Cannot deal with it, am I selfish?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Cannot deal with it, am I selfish?
I will try and make this brief.
I have been with my partner for 6.5 years.
In the beginning things were great, he had no real problem with drinking moderately (2 beers with a meal at a restaurant) and we bought a property together.
Fast forward several years and he relapsed back into cigarette smoking which I was not happy about and encouraged him to take a drug (champix) to try and stop the smoking. Unknown to me, this drug tends to bring other addictions to the forefront, for him, alcohol.
He gets excessively drunk every second day, we cannot have any liquor in the house or he will drink it, he often drives drunk to the liquor store on the corner (1 mile drive) to get more alcohol.
Several incidents have occurred that I thought would wake him up and get help. 1. Being forced to resign from a very high paying job because he got extremely drunk at an office Christmas party and acted inappropriately. 2. Got so drunk he fell over like a tree onto concrete and had concussion and a $2800 ambulance bill.
For the second one, he stopped for 2 months but soon returned.
He is very abusive towards me while drunk. Calling me fat, a loser, blaming all our financial problems on me (I don't have a good job), telling me he only drinks as I'm too fat and unattractive and boring etc. I know this is abuse.
So I left him. I waited until he was at work and moved everything I could carry out.
He has promised to stop drinking. He wants to try and stop on his own, and if he finds it too hard, then he will seek outside help. He has said that I can leave him without question if he picks up the drink again. However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
This angers me a lot, and I don't think I should have to do this. Sure my weight is an issue, a health issue and an attractiveness issue, but it's not the same as alcoholism. I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
I said I would move back with him if he is sober for 7 days. But I am really regretting making that statement. I feel like I just want to cut my losses. I KNOW he will relapse, and honestly, I feel happier away from him and some of the things he has said whilst drunk are just not forgivable.
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run? I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
Any advice or insights are appreciated.
Wow, I didn't really keep that brief at all.
Also, his father and paternal grandfather are both alcoholics.
I have been with my partner for 6.5 years.
In the beginning things were great, he had no real problem with drinking moderately (2 beers with a meal at a restaurant) and we bought a property together.
Fast forward several years and he relapsed back into cigarette smoking which I was not happy about and encouraged him to take a drug (champix) to try and stop the smoking. Unknown to me, this drug tends to bring other addictions to the forefront, for him, alcohol.
He gets excessively drunk every second day, we cannot have any liquor in the house or he will drink it, he often drives drunk to the liquor store on the corner (1 mile drive) to get more alcohol.
Several incidents have occurred that I thought would wake him up and get help. 1. Being forced to resign from a very high paying job because he got extremely drunk at an office Christmas party and acted inappropriately. 2. Got so drunk he fell over like a tree onto concrete and had concussion and a $2800 ambulance bill.
For the second one, he stopped for 2 months but soon returned.
He is very abusive towards me while drunk. Calling me fat, a loser, blaming all our financial problems on me (I don't have a good job), telling me he only drinks as I'm too fat and unattractive and boring etc. I know this is abuse.
So I left him. I waited until he was at work and moved everything I could carry out.
He has promised to stop drinking. He wants to try and stop on his own, and if he finds it too hard, then he will seek outside help. He has said that I can leave him without question if he picks up the drink again. However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
This angers me a lot, and I don't think I should have to do this. Sure my weight is an issue, a health issue and an attractiveness issue, but it's not the same as alcoholism. I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
I said I would move back with him if he is sober for 7 days. But I am really regretting making that statement. I feel like I just want to cut my losses. I KNOW he will relapse, and honestly, I feel happier away from him and some of the things he has said whilst drunk are just not forgivable.
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run? I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
Any advice or insights are appreciated.
Wow, I didn't really keep that brief at all.
Also, his father and paternal grandfather are both alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
So, let me see if I understand this -
He drinks because you are too heavy? In order for him to quit his addiction, you must be more attractive?
You can't have chocolate? How does chocolate compare to alcohol?
It sounds to me like he's putting a CONDITION on him getting help for his addition, and, let's just say that you do drop a few pounds - what if it isn't ENOUGH? I can understand a couple saying, "Let's get healthier together!", but what my gut keeps saying to me is that he's setting you up so that when he drinks again he can say, "You didn't drop enough weight. You didn't try hard enough. Therefore, you didn't keep up your end of the bargain and I'm allowed to drink again as a result of our 'agreement'!"
I'm a fitness specialist. I've had people drop a bunch of weight rapidly...and others who work their hardest and haven't been able to budge that scale at faster than a snail's pace. Yes, they keep going, but it's not an overnight thing!
If you feel like you'd be happier gone...your soul seems to be telling you something. Every time I thought about leaving my XABF I was filled with excitement at the prospect of my single life in my own place. When I thought of staying, the anxiety came back. This was a LOUD message that my HP was telling me what my path for MY OWN HEALTH AND HAPPINESS should be. I followed it, and I haven't been more "myself" in over a decade. I have down moments, just like anyone else, but they don't last nearly as long, and they are fewer and farther in between. I LOVE life again...and with my XABF I honestly just wanted my cancer to come back and take me. That's not living...
He said some things to you that you say you can't get over. I know how that feels...and there's no way I'm ever going to allow myself to be treated less than I deserve again. Stay strong, hon. YANA
He drinks because you are too heavy? In order for him to quit his addiction, you must be more attractive?
You can't have chocolate? How does chocolate compare to alcohol?
It sounds to me like he's putting a CONDITION on him getting help for his addition, and, let's just say that you do drop a few pounds - what if it isn't ENOUGH? I can understand a couple saying, "Let's get healthier together!", but what my gut keeps saying to me is that he's setting you up so that when he drinks again he can say, "You didn't drop enough weight. You didn't try hard enough. Therefore, you didn't keep up your end of the bargain and I'm allowed to drink again as a result of our 'agreement'!"
I'm a fitness specialist. I've had people drop a bunch of weight rapidly...and others who work their hardest and haven't been able to budge that scale at faster than a snail's pace. Yes, they keep going, but it's not an overnight thing!
If you feel like you'd be happier gone...your soul seems to be telling you something. Every time I thought about leaving my XABF I was filled with excitement at the prospect of my single life in my own place. When I thought of staying, the anxiety came back. This was a LOUD message that my HP was telling me what my path for MY OWN HEALTH AND HAPPINESS should be. I followed it, and I haven't been more "myself" in over a decade. I have down moments, just like anyone else, but they don't last nearly as long, and they are fewer and farther in between. I LOVE life again...and with my XABF I honestly just wanted my cancer to come back and take me. That's not living...
He said some things to you that you say you can't get over. I know how that feels...and there's no way I'm ever going to allow myself to be treated less than I deserve again. Stay strong, hon. YANA
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Um....wow, I have so much I could say. But first, when you eat chocolate, does it make you pass out and crack your head open on the concrete? Or lose jobs? Does eating chocolate or being overweight cause you to get angry and abusive? What a load of crap. Whether or not you are overweight and or have a food addiction or whatever he is trying to say about you is NOT causing him to be an abusive alcoholic, which is never ever acceptable. Its commonplace for these types to make us feel like total crap and destroy our self worth, because they don't have any to begin with, right? I don't need to know if you are overweight or not, or if you eat ten pounds of chocolate in one sitting to know that the deal he is offering you is ridiculous and pointless. If it wasn't fat, it would be ugly, stupid, crazy, bitchy, whatever. I am sure we all have heard it all before, I know I have. They pile up the insults til we start to believe them, don't they? Don't put yourself through that. Just...don't. You are beautiful and you deserve so much better than this shite he is filling your head with. And what he says when drunk, those things that are unforgivable and unforgettable, they will get worse, probably, too...and he won't remember them... but you will. They stick in your craw, as my grandma used to say...they will stick in your head and heart and tear you up. They will eat away at your self worth til you are second guessing your every move and thought, doubting and hating yourself more and more.
Having been in a relationship with one of those myself...though I wasn't offered a deal like that til lately through a viciously stupid email, I can tell you things do NOT get better, they will get worse. So, I vote for run. Bail. I do not in fact think you are being selfish and I am actually applauding you for packing what you could carry and bailing. (I cracked up when I read it, picturing you hauling things out to a moving truck with a determined look on your face, no its no laughing matter, but GOOD FOR YOU). Things will escalate with him, and in the process you will find if you stay with him that you lose more and more of yourself. Your health problems, if there are any will increase. Good for you for being angry. You should be angry. Anger is healthy sometimes.
Another thing, you don't need to explain to anyone or apologize to anyone if YOU WANT TO CUT AND RUN. Only you can decide what your limit is, and it sounds like you reached it.
If you are regretting agreeing to move back...which is changing your mind about moving out...just change your mind again and tell him no deal. So...he can SHOW you he is serious by GETTING sober and staying sober for as long as he wants, and you can stay moved out and let him try while you are a safe distance away working on you. You need time to get your head clear of his crapola, and you cannot do that with him in your face. You can stay moved out, he can work on him, and you can take some time, lots or little, or whatever you like, to decide if you want to bother to continue with him, whether he gets sober or doesn't, but do it from afar, a safe distance where you have more CHOICES. My best guess is he won't bother, or he will relapse if he does bother. And from what I hear from others, dry drunk, sober is not much better from someone who is abusive.
I keep wondering...if mine would be better sober. Then I remember how bad it was and I realize I would never chance it again. The thought of being put through all that again, being called those names, etc, the very real fear of relapse would prevent me from ever giving all of my heart to him ever again. I was past the point of no return. I AM past the point of no return...and I went no contact. Maybe you should go no contact. Let him prove he is sober...
It sounds like you hit your point of no return already, though. Did you?
Having been in a relationship with one of those myself...though I wasn't offered a deal like that til lately through a viciously stupid email, I can tell you things do NOT get better, they will get worse. So, I vote for run. Bail. I do not in fact think you are being selfish and I am actually applauding you for packing what you could carry and bailing. (I cracked up when I read it, picturing you hauling things out to a moving truck with a determined look on your face, no its no laughing matter, but GOOD FOR YOU). Things will escalate with him, and in the process you will find if you stay with him that you lose more and more of yourself. Your health problems, if there are any will increase. Good for you for being angry. You should be angry. Anger is healthy sometimes.
Another thing, you don't need to explain to anyone or apologize to anyone if YOU WANT TO CUT AND RUN. Only you can decide what your limit is, and it sounds like you reached it.
If you are regretting agreeing to move back...which is changing your mind about moving out...just change your mind again and tell him no deal. So...he can SHOW you he is serious by GETTING sober and staying sober for as long as he wants, and you can stay moved out and let him try while you are a safe distance away working on you. You need time to get your head clear of his crapola, and you cannot do that with him in your face. You can stay moved out, he can work on him, and you can take some time, lots or little, or whatever you like, to decide if you want to bother to continue with him, whether he gets sober or doesn't, but do it from afar, a safe distance where you have more CHOICES. My best guess is he won't bother, or he will relapse if he does bother. And from what I hear from others, dry drunk, sober is not much better from someone who is abusive.
I keep wondering...if mine would be better sober. Then I remember how bad it was and I realize I would never chance it again. The thought of being put through all that again, being called those names, etc, the very real fear of relapse would prevent me from ever giving all of my heart to him ever again. I was past the point of no return. I AM past the point of no return...and I went no contact. Maybe you should go no contact. Let him prove he is sober...
It sounds like you hit your point of no return already, though. Did you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run?
I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
I'm so grateful to read some thoughts from every angle (Al-Anon, AA, ACOA), because it helps me relate and think about the things I need to do to "live and let live" with my own addictions and trying not to feel responsible for other people's behavior.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
Posts: 159
Speaking to the above post...the best excuse to date (read: quack):
I got a bad haircut. I had to wait 20 minutes to get in, and then she took forever! When she was done you could hardly tell I had even got it cut...which made me late to pick you up from your class, and it all stressed me out.
That led to a 4 day bender.
I got a bad haircut. I had to wait 20 minutes to get in, and then she took forever! When she was done you could hardly tell I had even got it cut...which made me late to pick you up from your class, and it all stressed me out.
That led to a 4 day bender.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
It's OK to change your mind. Trust your instinct here.
I agree that he is trying to put "conditions" so he has an out.
He also sounds like an abusive jerk. Take some space and watch to see what he does
if you are unsure. No need to rush back in--I think he's just trying to get you back under control.
Your moving unexpectedly must have been quite a shock to his ego. . .
I agree that he is trying to put "conditions" so he has an out.
He also sounds like an abusive jerk. Take some space and watch to see what he does
if you are unsure. No need to rush back in--I think he's just trying to get you back under control.
Your moving unexpectedly must have been quite a shock to his ego. . .
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Just try to remember: the nasty vitriol he spits your way has nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own insecurities.
Try not to engage or debate. There's really no point. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. There's a beautiful, chocolate filled world waiting for you.
Try not to engage or debate. There's really no point. Just put one foot in front of the other and keep walking. There's a beautiful, chocolate filled world waiting for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
Thank you all for your insight.
I sent him a text message telling him the deal was off and that he would need to be sober for at least 3 months for me to consider moving back in.
He called me and basically abused me over the phone. Saying things like "You can't even give up chocolate for me, don't you love me" and "You are pathetic" and "You don't contribute financially to this relationship". It was an awful phone conversation and left me in a lot of tears.
He is very very angry now, and saying I am a gold digger, selfish, lazy, a moocher, never loved him, etc etc. I mentioned solicitors for division of the property, and he said he would involve "heavies" too and they would not be solicitors. Basically a threat of violence. He believes everything we jointly own is totally his and I don't deserve any of it.
Frankly, at this point, I'm willing to cut my losses of $100k just to get away.
His reaction has justified my leaving and there is no way I would go back, not after how he just treated me. He admitted on the phone that if I ate some chocolate, he would drink alcohol....
So I have my answer. Just wish it wasn't so emotionally draining and feel like it's all my fault.
I sent him a text message telling him the deal was off and that he would need to be sober for at least 3 months for me to consider moving back in.
He called me and basically abused me over the phone. Saying things like "You can't even give up chocolate for me, don't you love me" and "You are pathetic" and "You don't contribute financially to this relationship". It was an awful phone conversation and left me in a lot of tears.
He is very very angry now, and saying I am a gold digger, selfish, lazy, a moocher, never loved him, etc etc. I mentioned solicitors for division of the property, and he said he would involve "heavies" too and they would not be solicitors. Basically a threat of violence. He believes everything we jointly own is totally his and I don't deserve any of it.
Frankly, at this point, I'm willing to cut my losses of $100k just to get away.
His reaction has justified my leaving and there is no way I would go back, not after how he just treated me. He admitted on the phone that if I ate some chocolate, he would drink alcohol....
So I have my answer. Just wish it wasn't so emotionally draining and feel like it's all my fault.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Didn't take long to show his true colors, did he?
It sounds like you are well rid of him.
Maybe don't answer the phone and if he texts, keep copies for your lawyer
especially of any threats.
Your next step is to go buy a nice gourmet chocolate bar on the way to your solicitor and enjoy it. . .
It sounds like you are well rid of him.
Maybe don't answer the phone and if he texts, keep copies for your lawyer
especially of any threats.
Your next step is to go buy a nice gourmet chocolate bar on the way to your solicitor and enjoy it. . .
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 68
Oh dear..i think id rather have the chocolate myself...it provides comfort, is tasty and doesn't cause you drain fest problems. And Im sure it has hormonal goodness too. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Im currently taking champix and the only side effects I have is being tired and not wanting to smoke.
Good luck, keep posting and reading and find some support
Time to concentrate on you
Good luck, keep posting and reading and find some support
Time to concentrate on you
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
"To Thine Own Self Be True"
If you feel happier not being with him then I guess you answered your own question.
And if he drinks and tries to harm himself because of it,not your problem.
If you feel happier not being with him then I guess you answered your own question.
And if he drinks and tries to harm himself because of it,not your problem.
Originally Posted by MissBeth 
I will try and make this brief.
I have been with my partner for 6.5 years.
In the beginning things were great, he had no real problem with drinking moderately (2 beers with a meal at a restaurant) and we bought a property together.
Fast forward several years and he relapsed back into cigarette smoking which I was not happy about and encouraged him to take a drug (champix) to try and stop the smoking. Unknown to me, this drug tends to bring other addictions to the forefront, for him, alcohol.
He gets excessively drunk every second day, we cannot have any liquor in the house or he will drink it, he often drives drunk to the liquor store on the corner (1 mile drive) to get more alcohol.
Several incidents have occurred that I thought would wake him up and get help. 1. Being forced to resign from a very high paying job because he got extremely drunk at an office Christmas party and acted inappropriately. 2. Got so drunk he fell over like a tree onto concrete and had concussion and a $2800 ambulance bill.
For the second one, he stopped for 2 months but soon returned.
He is very abusive towards me while drunk. Calling me fat, a loser, blaming all our financial problems on me (I don't have a good job), telling me he only drinks as I'm too fat and unattractive and boring etc. I know this is abuse.
So I left him. I waited until he was at work and moved everything I could carry out.
He has promised to stop drinking. He wants to try and stop on his own, and if he finds it too hard, then he will seek outside help. He has said that I can leave him without question if he picks up the drink again. However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
This angers me a lot, and I don't think I should have to do this. Sure my weight is an issue, a health issue and an attractiveness issue, but it's not the same as alcoholism. I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
I said I would move back with him if he is sober for 7 days. But I am really regretting making that statement. I feel like I just want to cut my losses. I KNOW he will relapse, and honestly, I feel happier away from him and some of the things he has said whilst drunk are just not forgivable.
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run? I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
Any advice or insights are appreciated.
Wow, I didn't really keep that brief at all.
Also, his father and paternal grandfather are both alcoholics.
I have been with my partner for 6.5 years.
In the beginning things were great, he had no real problem with drinking moderately (2 beers with a meal at a restaurant) and we bought a property together.
Fast forward several years and he relapsed back into cigarette smoking which I was not happy about and encouraged him to take a drug (champix) to try and stop the smoking. Unknown to me, this drug tends to bring other addictions to the forefront, for him, alcohol.
He gets excessively drunk every second day, we cannot have any liquor in the house or he will drink it, he often drives drunk to the liquor store on the corner (1 mile drive) to get more alcohol.
Several incidents have occurred that I thought would wake him up and get help. 1. Being forced to resign from a very high paying job because he got extremely drunk at an office Christmas party and acted inappropriately. 2. Got so drunk he fell over like a tree onto concrete and had concussion and a $2800 ambulance bill.
For the second one, he stopped for 2 months but soon returned.
He is very abusive towards me while drunk. Calling me fat, a loser, blaming all our financial problems on me (I don't have a good job), telling me he only drinks as I'm too fat and unattractive and boring etc. I know this is abuse.
So I left him. I waited until he was at work and moved everything I could carry out.
He has promised to stop drinking. He wants to try and stop on his own, and if he finds it too hard, then he will seek outside help. He has said that I can leave him without question if he picks up the drink again. However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
This angers me a lot, and I don't think I should have to do this. Sure my weight is an issue, a health issue and an attractiveness issue, but it's not the same as alcoholism. I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
I said I would move back with him if he is sober for 7 days. But I am really regretting making that statement. I feel like I just want to cut my losses. I KNOW he will relapse, and honestly, I feel happier away from him and some of the things he has said whilst drunk are just not forgivable.
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run? I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
Any advice or insights are appreciated.
Wow, I didn't really keep that brief at all.
Also, his father and paternal grandfather are both alcoholics.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
He wants you to feel it's your fault. That way he doesn't have to take responsibility for his actions.
And he's abusing you.
And he's abusing you.
Originally Posted by MissBeth
Thank you all for your insight.
I sent him a text message telling him the deal was off and that he would need to be sober for at least 3 months for me to consider moving back in.
He called me and basically abused me over the phone. Saying things like "You can't even give up chocolate for me, don't you love me" and "You are pathetic" and "You don't contribute financially to this relationship". It was an awful phone conversation and left me in a lot of tears.
He is very very angry now, and saying I am a gold digger, selfish, lazy, a moocher, never loved him, etc etc. I mentioned solicitors for division of the property, and he said he would involve "heavies" too and they would not be solicitors. Basically a threat of violence. He believes everything we jointly own is totally his and I don't deserve any of it.
Frankly, at this point, I'm willing to cut my losses of $100k just to get away.
His reaction has justified my leaving and there is no way I would go back, not after how he just treated me. He admitted on the phone that if I ate some chocolate, he would drink alcohol....
So I have my answer. Just wish it wasn't so emotionally draining and feel like it's all my fault.
I sent him a text message telling him the deal was off and that he would need to be sober for at least 3 months for me to consider moving back in.
He called me and basically abused me over the phone. Saying things like "You can't even give up chocolate for me, don't you love me" and "You are pathetic" and "You don't contribute financially to this relationship". It was an awful phone conversation and left me in a lot of tears.
He is very very angry now, and saying I am a gold digger, selfish, lazy, a moocher, never loved him, etc etc. I mentioned solicitors for division of the property, and he said he would involve "heavies" too and they would not be solicitors. Basically a threat of violence. He believes everything we jointly own is totally his and I don't deserve any of it.
Frankly, at this point, I'm willing to cut my losses of $100k just to get away.
His reaction has justified my leaving and there is no way I would go back, not after how he just treated me. He admitted on the phone that if I ate some chocolate, he would drink alcohol....
So I have my answer. Just wish it wasn't so emotionally draining and feel like it's all my fault.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
MissBeth,
Please stay with us here for awhile on SR. I learn more and more each day.
Most important, please re-read your own posts if you ever consider moving back with him. One of my difficulties is minimizing, forgetting, blocking out the bad stuff. Forgetting it happened as badly as it did. My brain convincing me that all of this is normal.
You may experience the same thing that I do.
Sending you hugs and encouragement.
Please stay with us here for awhile on SR. I learn more and more each day.
Most important, please re-read your own posts if you ever consider moving back with him. One of my difficulties is minimizing, forgetting, blocking out the bad stuff. Forgetting it happened as badly as it did. My brain convincing me that all of this is normal.
You may experience the same thing that I do.
Sending you hugs and encouragement.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello MissBeth,
Welcome to our little corner of the internet! This is a great place for on-going support
I'll never tell you to 'stay' or 'go', but what I will tell you is that you deserve much better treatment than you have received at the hands of this man. Love is not ridicule, anger, derision, and condescension--and that is what he does just based on your own posts.
I hope someday soon you will believe that you are worthy of love, respect, and have your own inherent dignity. You are worthy of making yourself a priority.
Welcome to our little corner of the internet! This is a great place for on-going support
I'll never tell you to 'stay' or 'go', but what I will tell you is that you deserve much better treatment than you have received at the hands of this man. Love is not ridicule, anger, derision, and condescension--and that is what he does just based on your own posts.
I hope someday soon you will believe that you are worthy of love, respect, and have your own inherent dignity. You are worthy of making yourself a priority.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Wherever we go, there we are.
Posts: 108
MissBeth, I do hope you thoughtfully consider the opinions of those posting here - one of the things I've learned is that accountability and responsibility are just two of the casualties of addiction. This will not be his fault and he will abuse you verbally, emotionally and psychologically to convince you it is yours. Good for you for taking yourself out of harms way and away from any further damage.
Do please join us on SR going forward, as others have requested. It's a great place to learn, vent, grow and find one's recovery.
Do please join us on SR going forward, as others have requested. It's a great place to learn, vent, grow and find one's recovery.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
[QUOTE=MissBeth;4554271]I will try and make this brief.
Ummm I think this is him lying, manipulating and making $hit up to justify his smoking and drinking. Never ever heard that about chanting before. But I've heard every BS excuse from my xAH to not give up addictions and that sure smacks like one.
Have you reported to the police when he leaves and drives drunk? He's putting others lives in danger.
Guessing the job loss was a long time coming and the Xmas party was the final straw. I wouldn't trust he's giving you anything resembling the whole story about that...
Yes this is abuse and does not have to do with his drinking. He is abusive bc he's abusive. Alcohol does not make a non abuser abusive.
Good for you!!!! I stayed and subjected my kids to the same kind of BS abuse for years. So glad you stood up for you and left. No one deserves how he's treating you.
What an arrogant a$$hole! I wouldn't warrant that with a reply. If he stops drinking he still has a LOT of mental work to do on himself and if this is how he's trying to win you back (by insulting you and making conditions about his getting sober) can you imagine how bad it will be once he gets you back????
This angers me a lot too. And whatever size you are that's fine. He's controlling (or trying to) you and comparing you having chocolate to his ADDICTION and abuse just highlights what an abusive man he is.
You can tell him you changed your mind and don't intend to move back. Or just say nothing and stay away. He needs a lot more than 7 days sober before you should consider being around him. He's cutting you down and insulting you and you doubt yourself and feel bad bc of the BS he spews...
He doesn't deserve you.
Selfish isn't a bad thing. Putting yourself first in these circumstances is the HEALTHY, WISE, SELF AWARE, SANE and SAFE thing to do.
You're brave and strong to have left and if he chooses to get well and shows w actions over time that he is a changed man (months worth of time) then reconsider... But you got away from him widely and it sounds like it would be detrimental for you to return.
Fast forward several years and he relapsed back into cigarette smoking which I was not happy about and encouraged him to take a drug (champix) to try and stop the smoking. Unknown to me, this drug tends to bring other addictions to the forefront, for him, alcohol.
He gets excessively drunk every second day, we cannot have any liquor in the house or he will drink it, he often drives drunk to the liquor store on the corner (1 mile drive) to get more alcohol.
Several incidents have occurred that I thought would wake him up and get help. 1. Being forced to resign from a very high paying job because he got extremely drunk at an office Christmas party and acted inappropriately. 2. Got so drunk he fell over like a tree onto concrete and had concussion and a $2800 ambulance bill.
He is very abusive towards me while drunk. Calling me fat, a loser, blaming all our financial problems on me (I don't have a good job), telling me he only drinks as I'm too fat and unattractive and boring etc. I know this is abuse.
So I left him. I waited until he was at work and moved everything I could carry out.
He has promised to stop drinking. He wants to try and stop on his own, and if he finds it too hard, then he will seek outside help. He has said that I can leave him without question if he picks up the drink again. However, there is a trade off. I must quit chocolate and get thin while he is getting sober.
This angers me a lot, and I don't think I should have to do this. Sure my weight is an issue, a health issue and an attractiveness issue, but it's not the same as alcoholism. I wonder if I just say that I have had some chocolate (I haven't), if that will signal to him that he can drink?
I said I would move back with him if he is sober for 7 days. But I am really regretting making that statement. I feel like I just want to cut my losses. I KNOW he will relapse, and honestly, I feel happier away from him and some of the things he has said whilst drunk are just not forgivable.
He doesn't deserve you.
So am I being selfish for just wanting to cut and run? I know that if I do, he will instantly return to his alcoholic ways and possibly try and kill himself. Not to mention he will have to sell our property to pay me my half of it's worth.
You're brave and strong to have left and if he chooses to get well and shows w actions over time that he is a changed man (months worth of time) then reconsider... But you got away from him widely and it sounds like it would be detrimental for you to return.
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