Cannot deal with it, am I selfish?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
And enjoy the chocolate 
. Men who are wrapped up in judging women for their appearance have insecurity issues is my experience...
You decide if and when you want to change you for you. Don't do it for anyone else...
A few extra pounds isn't an indicator of a persons worth or measure of attractiveness...
I happen to be a little underweight for my height but experienced the same abuse about my looks and size from xAH. He would mock me to gain weight and tell me to eat more and tell me I didn't look like a woman bc I'm not well endowed... So your partners BS about your size would be there no matter what size you are...
So glad you said no to returning... You're a strong woman and good for you for standing up for you.
. Men who are wrapped up in judging women for their appearance have insecurity issues is my experience...You decide if and when you want to change you for you. Don't do it for anyone else...
A few extra pounds isn't an indicator of a persons worth or measure of attractiveness...
I happen to be a little underweight for my height but experienced the same abuse about my looks and size from xAH. He would mock me to gain weight and tell me to eat more and tell me I didn't look like a woman bc I'm not well endowed... So your partners BS about your size would be there no matter what size you are...
So glad you said no to returning... You're a strong woman and good for you for standing up for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
It doesn't sound like he encourages you to feel very good about yourself. In my opinion I think going back at this point won't make you any stronger. You need to be stronger. It makes me so sad when I hear other people call names: lazy, ugly, fat, stupid (not saying you are called these names) I just feel like those of us who hear those kinds of names being thrown at us already have a low image of ourselves. Why else would we decide to stay?
Yes, I included me.
Stay strong! You are too strong, powerful and wonderful to go back to somebody who is trying to throw you under the bus for His problem!! You've already done one of the most difficult parts--- You left!! I so admire you for this. If anything is going to change, for real, it is going to take a lot longer than 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 months. I know. I promise I know!!!
Be well,
Yes, I included me.
Stay strong! You are too strong, powerful and wonderful to go back to somebody who is trying to throw you under the bus for His problem!! You've already done one of the most difficult parts--- You left!! I so admire you for this. If anything is going to change, for real, it is going to take a lot longer than 7 days, 7 weeks, or 7 months. I know. I promise I know!!!
Be well,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me 
mine tried to tell me that if I stopped drinking Diet Coke, he would stop drinking.
I didn't have a Diet Coke for over 3 months. He was back to drinking in 2 days.
Sue
I didn't have a Diet Coke for over 3 months. He was back to drinking in 2 days.
Sue
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Wow! Just when I thought I'd heard it all! Why do you feel you have to cut your financial losses just to get out of the relationship?
Do you think acquiring a property by creating a messy breakup was a plan of his all along? I hate to risk being brutal by asking that, but in my life I have seen my own family members engage in such reprehensible behavior...repeatedly.
Do you think acquiring a property by creating a messy breakup was a plan of his all along? I hate to risk being brutal by asking that, but in my life I have seen my own family members engage in such reprehensible behavior...repeatedly.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I agree Chantix is awful. If you have any trauma in your life, it will bring it to the forefront. Dangerous stuff.
REGARDLESS of that, you don't deserve his treatment, and his assessments of you and your behavior are through the lens of a self-destructive alcoholic. Don't place much weight on what he thinks of you and your habits.
REGARDLESS of that, you don't deserve his treatment, and his assessments of you and your behavior are through the lens of a self-destructive alcoholic. Don't place much weight on what he thinks of you and your habits.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Muskegon, Michigan
Posts: 131
As silly as this may sound because there are so many bigger issues at stake when you are in involved with an A, the day he told me I was too fat and unloveable, was the LAST day I ever spoke to him.
He used my most vulnerable insecurity against me. He knew it when he said it. That's why he said it.
You are RIGHT. If you don't lose weight, that is his green light to drink. But he will drink again even if you do lose weight and then it will be because your nose is too big, or your hair is too short. It will always be YOUR fault because BLAME is the GAME! It keeps their addiction in place for another day and they don't have to think about themselves.
He will drink again and he will verbally abuse you again.
Cut your loses. Go back on your word. It doesn't matter. Your happiness matters more. Knowing your beautiful just the way you are is what matters.
His self hatred spills over on to you. Just let him go.
So sorry you have had to experience such abuse.
Hugs
He used my most vulnerable insecurity against me. He knew it when he said it. That's why he said it.
You are RIGHT. If you don't lose weight, that is his green light to drink. But he will drink again even if you do lose weight and then it will be because your nose is too big, or your hair is too short. It will always be YOUR fault because BLAME is the GAME! It keeps their addiction in place for another day and they don't have to think about themselves.
He will drink again and he will verbally abuse you again.
Cut your loses. Go back on your word. It doesn't matter. Your happiness matters more. Knowing your beautiful just the way you are is what matters.
His self hatred spills over on to you. Just let him go.
So sorry you have had to experience such abuse.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: My mind wanders a lot, but I try to stay in the present.
Posts: 1,007
Giving advice about relationships is tricky business, and I'd hate to think of anyone running away from SR because they felt they were being pushed to leave someone when they weren't ready. Having said that, let me clear my throat and bluster forth with what worked for me:
I still love my qualifier very much, but he's a sick man and he was taking my family down with him. I tried every way possible to avoid that reality because the thought of letting go of my dream was heartbreaking. Finally, I came to the conclusion that surely the most gut wrenching heartbreak had to be better than the Zombie Apocalypse that my life had become.
So here's what I did: 1) I started going regularly to Alanon. 2) Learned to pray for my own recovery, and not always his, his, his. 3) Started meditating on the Serenity prayer, and categorizing my life into what I could change and what I couldn't change. 4) Looked to forgive whenever possible. 5) Left him to deal with his own Karma
Whatever you do, if you do it for you it will be the right choice.
I still love my qualifier very much, but he's a sick man and he was taking my family down with him. I tried every way possible to avoid that reality because the thought of letting go of my dream was heartbreaking. Finally, I came to the conclusion that surely the most gut wrenching heartbreak had to be better than the Zombie Apocalypse that my life had become.
So here's what I did: 1) I started going regularly to Alanon. 2) Learned to pray for my own recovery, and not always his, his, his. 3) Started meditating on the Serenity prayer, and categorizing my life into what I could change and what I couldn't change. 4) Looked to forgive whenever possible. 5) Left him to deal with his own Karma
Whatever you do, if you do it for you it will be the right choice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
I am so glad I found this site.
It has already helped me so much.
Today is the day that I will be going and getting the remainder of my possessions. Hired a van and taking my mother and brother with me so he can't try and manipulate or abuse me.
Not looking forward to the stress and the drama that he will no doubt try and cause, but I am sure I will feel amazing relief afterwards.
I know he drank last night after I told him I wasn't coming back unless he was sober for 3 months. I guess that shows the level of his commitment.
I am living with my mother for the time being, and she is happy to have me and very supportive.
For the record, I'm a teetotaler, never drink, never smoke, don't do any illicit drugs, and don't even like coffee (tea is good though!). I don't know what I was thinking getting into this relationship in the first place.
I will check back often as this forum is giving me a great deal of strength at a much needed time.
It has already helped me so much.
Today is the day that I will be going and getting the remainder of my possessions. Hired a van and taking my mother and brother with me so he can't try and manipulate or abuse me.
Not looking forward to the stress and the drama that he will no doubt try and cause, but I am sure I will feel amazing relief afterwards.
I know he drank last night after I told him I wasn't coming back unless he was sober for 3 months. I guess that shows the level of his commitment.
I am living with my mother for the time being, and she is happy to have me and very supportive.
For the record, I'm a teetotaler, never drink, never smoke, don't do any illicit drugs, and don't even like coffee (tea is good though!). I don't know what I was thinking getting into this relationship in the first place.
I will check back often as this forum is giving me a great deal of strength at a much needed time.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
this is sooo typical what an A does
manipulate
and intimidate that you have issues too...*good one chocolate*
dont buy into his crap...
never ever feel guilty on taking care of YOU!
manipulate
and intimidate that you have issues too...*good one chocolate*
dont buy into his crap...
never ever feel guilty on taking care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by LivingLife4Me
mine tried to tell me that if I stopped drinking Diet Coke, he would stop drinking.
I didn't have a Diet Coke for over 3 months. He was back to drinking in 2 days.
Sue
I didn't have a Diet Coke for over 3 months. He was back to drinking in 2 days.
Sue
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 31
So, I turned up yesterday at our place with my mother and brother and a moving van on the way.
It all went very smoothly really. No raging fights, no belligerence and he was actually helpful in moving stuff out.
His daughter was there (my stepchild) which made it hard for me, but she coped ok and just said that she would miss me. As expected, he'd told her that he was willing to give up alcohol, but I was not willing to give up chocolate and that was the reason I was leaving. I tried to explain that chocolate doesn't make me abusive or hurt myself, but she loves her father very much.
He proved to me that I was doing the right thing with two comments that will forever stay in my mind.
StepDaughter: "Will you guys ever get back together?"
Me: "I'm not sure, but never say never"
ExABF: "I'm never giving up alcohol"
He had previously said he would bring in "heavies" that aren't solicitors if I try and take what is rightfully my share of the property. And by "heavies" he means thugs, and criminals. I take this threat very seriously.
ExABF: "So you aren't going to take away the property from me"
Me (in tears): "Well I don't want to look over my shoulder in fear of my life"
ExABF: "Good"
Not "Thank you, but I would never actually send anyone to hurt you", but just "Good".
So those 2 conversations will be stuck in my mind forever, as proof positive that he had no intention of changing and clearly didn't love me as he said he did or he would not threaten to harm me.
So I'm out $100k or more, but I need to feel safe.
Thank you all for listening.
It all went very smoothly really. No raging fights, no belligerence and he was actually helpful in moving stuff out.
His daughter was there (my stepchild) which made it hard for me, but she coped ok and just said that she would miss me. As expected, he'd told her that he was willing to give up alcohol, but I was not willing to give up chocolate and that was the reason I was leaving. I tried to explain that chocolate doesn't make me abusive or hurt myself, but she loves her father very much.
He proved to me that I was doing the right thing with two comments that will forever stay in my mind.
StepDaughter: "Will you guys ever get back together?"
Me: "I'm not sure, but never say never"
ExABF: "I'm never giving up alcohol"
He had previously said he would bring in "heavies" that aren't solicitors if I try and take what is rightfully my share of the property. And by "heavies" he means thugs, and criminals. I take this threat very seriously.
ExABF: "So you aren't going to take away the property from me"
Me (in tears): "Well I don't want to look over my shoulder in fear of my life"
ExABF: "Good"
Not "Thank you, but I would never actually send anyone to hurt you", but just "Good".
So those 2 conversations will be stuck in my mind forever, as proof positive that he had no intention of changing and clearly didn't love me as he said he did or he would not threaten to harm me.
So I'm out $100k or more, but I need to feel safe.
Thank you all for listening.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
