nmd

Not a total failure, but a bit of a slip backwards. I went into this past weekend with every intent on maintaining to abstinence from drinking, not moderation. I'm not a completely out of control drinker, but I haven't been in control for a while either. I drank every day for many years, even if only 2-3 beers a day. A typical weekend I might drink 10-12 a day, if my hazy memory allows me to count, putting me around 30-40 a week (again, from what I can remember). I've wanted to cut back for years but haven't been successful every time. I've journaled my drinks and maybe got a day or two of not drinking before deciding it was ok to drink. I get that urge/compulsion after work for a drink or two and it's hard not to obsess over it. Sometimes, I'll have mixed drinks and then it's all bets off because they go down easy and my rum and coke has more rum than coke... Everything is under control, until some unpredictable time when I go over the edge and drink too much and then I'm completely out of control. Driving drunk, stupid arguments, blackouts, lost weekends to hangovers, wasted days at work, etc.

So, this Saturday I went grocery shopping. I had my list all made and I wasn't going to drink this weekend. For whatever reason, once I got there (and it probably didn't help that I was hungry), I talked myself into buying a 12 pack of pale ale. I could buy it for my girlfriend, and I wouldn't have any. Well, maybe I'd have one and that would be ok. It would be perfect with what was planned for dinner, why not. There won't be much beer in the house, it's just a twelve pack and my GF will finish it.

Well, in the end I had two. I haven't had a drink since. Again, I could look at that as a success. I didn't loose control, but the trush is I did because I didn't want to drink. Did I think about it last night? Abosolutely. I thought maybe I could just have one with dinner? Keep it under 7 a week. It's really not the occational beer that scares me, it's been my slow change from a weekend drinker, to a couple times a week drinker, to someone who drinks almost every day, then every day and even when alone, to someone who can't not drink without obsessing about it. (and all of the above negative consequences). I've kept a personal journal off and on for the past 4 years and it scares me to look back and count the number of times I said I need to quit drinking, or I need to cut back on drinking, or I did something terribly stupid because of drinking. The worst part is it is so easy to forget. You feel better, nothing bad has happened, maybe I'm in control now?

As of yet, I haven't made it through a weekend without drinking. (this time around. I quit for about a month 3-4 years about). My GF is aware that I want to quit drinking and I told her the reasons, but she has in the past not been very supportive, thinking I would ask her to quit. I don't want or need her to, but it certainly cuts down on my circle of support. She really hasn't said anything one way or the other about it, which I guess is better than trying to get me to drink, which she has not.

The last time I quit, I pretty rapidly fell back into my old habits after I thought I could go back and had things under control. I've never been a smoker, but I've seen the same thing with smokers who quit pretty consistently. First with a slip on the weekend when having a few drinks with a friend, then they start rewarding themselves at the end of a day, a week or two later they're right back to where they were before quitting...

It sucks. I feel great right now. I've had my ups and downs, but I can remember things I've said which is amazing, and I can keep control of my emotions, which is hard to do when drunk. I just don't want to slip back to where I was or get worse which was probably inevitable if I hadn't decided to quit. I don't want to think about drinking, I don't want it to have a hold over me.

doggonecarl

Then quit and stay quit. That's the best way to ensure that the obsession is lifted. If you drink, even an amount that you don't think is significant, it trips your whole recovery back to where your addiction has the advantage.

darkfaith

That sounds pretty close to my story....5 years ago. And now I'm sober for 10days after turning into a "weekend" drinker every night. You've realised that you had lost control just by having that first drink when you had the intention of not drinking. Sometimes (in most cases I'm finding) that it isn't the 2 or 10th drink that does the damage, it's that first one. I'm struggling with my AV especially today as it's a Friday. And by no means an expert, except in trying to quit. I've tried so many times I've lost count.

Make that choice to not drink today. Good luck. Stay close to SR this place is truly a haven to get away from the thoughts.

comtnman740

Stay strong! Friday's are always tough for me because my AV rationalizes as i have no work the next day so go ahead and tie one on. Sunday always comes and i'm drinking and the week becomes a cycle. Stay Strong!

nmd

Same to you darkfaith, good luck in tuning out your AV. Just starting to realize I'm not in control of drinking at all, and life is so much better without it.

Anna

I'm glad you see that.

And, stopping drinking completely will stop your AV from annoying you.

KateL

Just kick the AV up the Arse. Excuse my French xxxx

Mountainmanbob

if I truly wish to stay sober
probably in early sobriety this would not be a good idea

it's all about what I do or I don't do

this would have been a don't do

MM

Dee74

sometimes it takes a couple of run ups to clear the hurdle

I agree with the other comments here tho - any alcohol simply reawakens my addiction, and noone wants that...

Have you made any plans for this weekend to avoid falling into the same situation nmd?

...and what happened to the rest of that 12 pack?
D

360shoes

Hi nmd,
Welcome!
Sounds like me. I didn't drink everyday and there were even some days I didn't drink a lot but I sure thought about it a lot. When I was going to, how much, how little, didn't want to but did, wanted to but couldn't. Download an app, see how long I could last, nope not long, oh wait, made it a few days, yeah, enjoy! Oh cr*p, did it again.

Heck, that was actually the easy part. I got to where it didn't matter what or how much I was drinking, I just knew it sucked waking up everyday going through it all again.

Exhausting I tell you. I was tired of pretty much all of it.

The longer I go and the farther I stay away from it, the happier I am. I'm done with it wasting anymore of my time.

If you want to give it up for good, it can be done. Takes some work but it's possible.

You will get a lot of support here!

matt4x4

Thats just it, it can start off slow, and progresses. That is the subtle nature of this problem. I been playing that game for years. its been well over 20 years now that I have been cured of a hopeless state of mind and body. Its a wonderful feeling, but life happens and it can bring me down. I have to the tools to deal with life today, on life terms. I pray and meditate, not medicate.

parnellatwood

Your story is similar to mine. Nothing crazy bad to happen yet, just progressively worse little-to-medium-sized bad things here and there, that feeling of not being the one in control here, the exhausting pointless struggle with it ... If I heard you right.

I'm so glad to see other people in this position. Sometimes I think there's only normal drinkers and people who downed bottles of vodka per day before quitting.

(Granted, I think I'm ever so slightly more advanced than you. I haven't gone a day with fewer than six beers in months, other than the last five days, and I've been known to binge. But about a year ago, i was exactly where you are.)

Keep posting

nmd

I agree with one of the posts that me buying beer was a bad idea. I walked myself right into that one and incrementally talked myself into drinking. I think there's a couple bottles left in the fridge, but that hasn't been a huge issue. (If I had checked yesterday and could tell you how much was left it would tell me that it was an issue). I'm kind of stuck with living with alcohol in the house and having drinkers in my life. There's wine, hard liquor and light beer in the house.

I have a couple get togethers with friends this weekend and I'm not drinking. I'm driving so I can use that as an excuse, but I'll probably be in the situation of being offered a drink and declining. I'm not sure which would be worse for me at this stage, social isolation or putting myself in situations where people are drinking. If anything I tend to have more compulsion to drink when I'm at home puttering around and don't need to drive anywhere, so I would say social isolation is worse. The third option of socializing with a group of people who aren't drinking ends up being isolating in it's own way as well because it limits who I will see.

But an actual plan? I don't know. I need to break my old patterns of buying beer on impulse, drinking when I'm tired/hungry/stressed (the HALT idea describes my drinking to a t... just add social anxiety to the list of triggers). I'm not sure exactly *how* besides muddling through it.

doggonecarl

Maybe add "Not attending social events where there is going to be alcohol and drinking in my first few days of sobriety," to the list.

nmd

Carl, I want to be defensive, but you are right. I just don't want to be alone or away from the people I care about and love, and that means being around drinking.

Quitting has been both extremely easy and hard at the same time. It's a new normal, but it's not entirely unfamiliar as I didn't start drinking until around 23 (I'm 39).

I'm going to not drink tonight, and I'm not going to drink tomorrow, or the next day. I plan on reporting back and keeping honest. I may struggle but I will get through it.

AnvilheadII

this isn't the last week people you know will EVER host a party again and thus you will miss out. give yourself a break and keep yourself in SOBER situations until you've got your sober legs under you, good and steady. the more time you get you will either decide hanging around a bunch of people who drink isn't really that much "fun".

some people can be around booze and it's no big deal. others it's just better NOT. and for some what seemed ok ended up being not ok....as it opened that door just enough for the Beast to slither back in. i did that...i was sober, really sober, but still going out dancing at the club. did that for YEARS. and then when i decided drinking would be ok again, where do you think i was? AT THE BAR. how convenient. mind you that was at over 7 years sober.

Dee74

I remember I would always say I want to quit but I'll get bored at home so I'll just go to [insert event] and not drink.

I always drank.

I had a very clever alcoholic brain - it could rationalise that going to a party where drinking will be occurring was better for me than staying home.

Whats worse is I knew what I was doing, but I went anyway.

If you really want to quit, pottering around at home should be fine. Like Anvil said, there'll always be another party, when you're stronger in your resolve.

In the end tho, the choice is yours

D

Mountainmanbob

good point made and that's why with 6 years I'm still very cautious always keeping in mind an escape plan just in case
MM

heath480

I used to go into drinking situations in early recovery,despite being told not to by people who had been sober years.

One day I knew if I didn't stop I would drink again,so I stayed away.

Today I rarely mix with drinkers,they bore me to tears,but I always have an escape route and stay vigilant.

Don't test your sobriety,it isn't worth it and you will probably fail.

nmd

Still here and still trying. If had cut back on my drinking while attempting to quit in March, I have since then I've rebounded to heavy drinking for the past several weeks. I think I had half a liter of whiskey on Saturday night, and have been drinking every day for a couple weeks at least. Nothing going on this weekend which I guess is good, though for me my triggers have all been all self sabotage and not social events. Me buying booze for the house is definately off the table because it always leads to me drinking it.

I've been going back and re-reading everything, the reasons I want to quit and reading everyone's comments here. The hardest part right now is just getting over this blah feeling. Hoping to make this my first weekend without drinking and I'm just going to start there.