HopefulinFLA

And the cycle begins again.....

I came home from work last night to find that AH had been drinking again. I asked him if he's given up on sobriety, and to please be honest.(I know I should just keep my mouth shut, but it's so hard.) He informed me that "I'm just trying to be me". (eye roll) He thinks that because he's got his business and his life back in order that he can keep his drinking under control. He says he's tired of worrying about what I think and he's going to do what makes him happy. (apparently even if it makes me miserable)He said he's tired of the negative labels I put on him as being a damaged man who can't drink normal person. Funny, but I think he earned those labels all by himself! Had nothing to do with me.

All of this was said in an angry tone and as if the whole reason he quit drinking was to appease me, guess I'm the bad guy here. Keep in mind, 6 months ago he was miserable and desperate to stop drinking and asked me for help. I paid for a doctor visit, lab work, and his first rx of Antabuse as a birthday gift because it's what he wanted.

I could just scream! The blame shifting, denial, and manipulation is always shocking to me. I'm so hurt.

I'm trying really hard to detach from this, haven't mentioned a word about it at all today. He knows I'm upset, that he went a little overboard as he's been just too nice to me all day.(but drunk again tonight) I don't even want that. I just want him to get his freakin act together.

I just hate alcohol. It ruins people, it ruins relationships, it just ruins everything.

Thanks for reading my rant. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate every last one of you! xoxo

FeelingGreat

So sorry to hear he's relapsed Hopeful. OF COURSE you're to blame, otherwise he'd have to look hard at himself. Six months was long enough for him to forget the mess he was it. Look after yourself.

Mango blast

Rant away!

I'm sorry you're back to dealing with this again. It sounds like he gave up sobriety a while ago. Other than using Antabuse, did he work any kind of sobriety program? Basically, he's doing what alcoholics do. Drink alcohol. If there's no active recovery program, it's easy to revert to what you do best --- drinking. It makes the brain feel "normal" again. Redirecting the blame to you gives him another excuse to drink.

It seems like you've been doing a lot to accommodate what he wants. What about you? Have you found some steps to putting yourself first?

Since you can't control him or his life, any ideas on what you want for yourself?

Stung

I'm so sorry. I wish I had words of encouragement but my RAH hasn't even made it that far in sobriety yet and he could relapse tomorrow or heck, even tonight if that's what he wanted.

So on to better things...what are you going to do now? How is your roommate search going?

Sending you a big hug!

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Hopeful. I sincerely understand your pain and sadness.

I hate addiction. I just hate it!!!

prayer

It's so frustrating when the blame is placed squarely at your feet. I think we must have the same spouse because I've heard those exact words before, too I've learned this is an excuse to keep drinking and flat out denial. I know my husband wants to drink like a "normal person" but it's just not possible. I've even gone as far as falling into the same warped way of thinking as him. I'd like to go to a party with my husband and have a glass of wine with him like a "normal" couple but it's not in the cards. I have to say, that I understand now why alcoholism is a disease. I hope you both can find peace. It takes time and effort though. Take care.

Carlotta

HopefulinFLA

When I'm ready, I am going to post on Facebook like you suggested Stung. I also belong to community website, nextdoor.com, which connects people in local neighborhoods, which might be a great place to advertise for a room mate.

I'm still trying to expand my freelance business so I don't need a room mate though.

HopefulinFLA

Carlotta, where were you with that cartoon when I needed it? LOL! Yep, that's what it was alright, QUACK.

CodeJob

My heart is heavy for you.

Trailsky

So sorry to hear this Relapse is devastating and the blame shifting and deflection are horrible. Your AH sounds just like mine when he relapsed.

I want to be me, I love me!
I did all this for you and now you are throwing it in my face!
I only had 2 drinks!

Blah blah blah

They don't understand our world, our dreams, our hopes are crashing down when they drink the first time after a period of sobriety. I burst into an uncontrollable crying mess when I saw him drunk in his third relapse. He could not understand. He told me I'm overreacting.

Relapse is gut wrenching. I feel for you.

FireSprite

I'm so sorry Hopeful, I wish there were perfect words for these situations but there just aren't. Stay strong, it sounds like you are doing a great job recognizing all his quacking no matter how much it hurts. ((((BIG HUGS)))

lizatola

I'm sorry Hopeful. Since my AH is a binge drinker I get hopeful that maybe one month of not drinking will lead him to true sobriety eventually, but it never does. Every time I figure out that he's been drinking, my heart drops and I realize that I have to go back to working on acceptance. Sigh...I do hope you have a great support network and have folks you can turn to in real life who can give you a hug!

firebolt

I'm so sorry hopeful. You're right, it just ruins everything. (((HUG)))

honeypig

Ah, SH*T, Hopeful....so very, very sorry this happened. Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t....

HopefulinFLA

In the beginning he was doing pretty well. He had a great attitude about getting sober, and made some healthy lifestyle changes. He read books on Smart and Rational Recovery. He said he wasn't interested in AA, but talked about going to see a therapist although that never happened. He got a great start, but I think he just stalled out.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm trying to rekindle old friendships. It seems I've isolated myself quite a bit during the last few years. Just bought myself a new DSLR digital camera and am slowly getting back into my photography hobby. I do attend Alanon maybe once a month but I'd like to get into it more regularly. I always feel good when I leave a meeting; just being with other people who understand is such a comfort to me.

I had tried to prepare myself that a relapse might happen, but it still stinks. I guess I have to decide if I'm willing to wait it out and see what happens.

HopefulinFLA

You're so right Trailsky. It does feel like the end of the world when it first happens. When he first relapsed back in February, I instantly felt nauseous and started to shake.

He used to tell me "But you shouldn't feel that way, it's just a couple of drinks." Excuse me? Do Not Tell Me How to Feel!

They really don't understand our world or the damage that they do.

izzyrose05

I'm sitting here missing my XAB who just bought the giant house we were suppose to buy together months back. He bought it for himself and his son who is in a wheelchair and can't even get to the upstairs. Think he bought the house just to **** me off. I don't know. That's what it feels like.

But anyway, your post, just reminded me of why I'm not with him anymore and that no amound of fantasizing about the "happy family in the big house" will change what he is, because he doesn't want to change and it's all my fault of course.

You have a quote Hopeful, at the end of your signature. By the Dalai Lama. My hero by the way.

"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace"

Great Quote. Take your own advice. And though this is of little consolation to you right now. Thank you for shoving reality back in my face.

Goodluck to you on this bumpy road you travel. I hope you find peace and a new path.

Florence

"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

HopefulinFLA

Ah yes, I should take my own advice it's just that some things are easier said than done, at least for today.

Glad my little rant could be of some help to you Izzyrose.