christinastar10

So my XABF is currently in an inpatient program. He's expected to be there for about 8 weeks. During his last relapse I found out that he made up stories about me and blamed me for everything. Haha! Obviously I was upset and called him out on it and told him to leave me alone. So today I get this text from him:

"I dnt blame u for anything. That u have to figure out on your own. And if we would talk about recovery u would find that out. But u gotta do what makes u feel better and if that is being mad at me than do what u gotta do. Constantly reminding me of how bad of a person I am doesn't help me try to improve myself. It makes me feel worse about myself and about who I am. And if u making me feel bad makes u feel better than I guess for now I just gotta take it. Just know the way I acted or act isnt intentional. U are our son's mom and a great mom and im his dad and I would like some support instead of letting me know how ****** of a person I am. The past is the past and there is things that are guna have to be worked through but that comes with time and if your done with the support cause you already tried and your over it thats fine I understand."

With all of this said. I still don't believe anything he says to me.
I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing?? But I find it easier for myself to just not deal with him anymore.

ladyscribbler

I find it easier not to deal with my ex. We also have a child, so I understand limited contact vs no contact.
What I do is to think of everything he says as just noise (quacking, if you like). It may be a little easier for me because mine has never even tried, wanted or pretended to get sober.
The best thing to do is ignore anything he says that isn't "business" ie, related to visitation or support or whatever.
Your guy is really little if I remember. Around 2 or so, right? That also makes it harder. What I do is let my son, who is 5 try to call daddy every Sunday. "Daddy" rarely picks up the phone, and when he does is usually drunk, but sometimes my son gets to talk to him for a few minutes, and if not he leaves a little voicemail.
I luckily don't have to worry about custody. My ex is no longer capable of functioning at any level where he could try for even a visitation.
Sorry to jack your thread with my drama. What I'm saying here is- let go of the relationship you had with your axb. That's over. All the blame and drama and nonsense is done. Focus on your little guy. I know from your previous posts that you are a great mom who only wants the best for him. Stick to that and remember that your axb will probably continue to deteriorate. He sounds immature and it will probably not be long before he sees visitation as a chore rather than a privilege. Give him the bare minimum that is legally possible for your son and for your own peace of mind.
Hugs and take care Christina. I know this is a hard time for you.

FeelingGreat

Hi, your instincts are spot on about not wanting to deal with his irrelevance. I hope as he gets further into the program he gains a bit of insight.
The text is a model piece of passive-agression. You won't support him. He forgives you (for his alcoholism?), you're mad at him because it makes you feel better not because of his actions, you are mean not to support him.
While he's still thinking this way it would be futile to engage with him. I suppose it would be wrong to text back 'whatever'

Alwayslookingup

The good thing is, you don't have to make a decision today, or tomorrow if you don't want. Let more time and space come into play.

Raider

Christina, I'm glad he is an EX. You seem to be exactly where you should be. Congratulations!!!

ps. Next time you are out selecting a BF, I want you to find one that prefers to spell out their words!!! He's a father for cryin' out loud....

ladyscribbler

Lol Raider. I think English is slowly evolving into Textinese. Hopefully very slowly.

christinastar10

Thanks everyone. I responded to his text with just a "k". I didn't know what else to say. I find it easier for myself to just let things be. He really doesn't make plans to see our son so hopefully court is a breeze next month.

The only thing he tries to push is wanting to talk to him about his recovery. I've told him I don't care to know. I don't know if that is mean but then again I don't care. He will respond with he hopes I change my mind and he will like to talk to me about his recovery one day.

I'm not sure how I feel about his need to talk to me about his recovery. The way he constantly ask kinda makes me feel like I'm his drug at times..maybe it's just me, I don't know

christinastar10

Also I just want to make it clear, I want him to get the helps he needs and I pray that he will get better.

ladyscribbler

Detachment doesn't mean not caring, it just means not letting someone else's disease dictate how you feel, think and live. Sounds like a healthy approach that you have. I still find myself mired down in anger sometimes. I would do well to take a page from your book.
Although the last time I prayed for someone it was for my ex husband to be free of pain (he had cancer) and he died like a week later. And I was a little sad, but a lot glad, so sometimes I feel bad about that. My other son, who is 12, misses his dad so much. It just boggles my mind that my axb is purposely throwing away every relationship in his life so that he can keep drinking, but that's why it's a disease. A healthy mind wouldn't make those choices.

NWGRITS

Addicts are good at playing martyr. Passive-Aggressive is their second language. This early in the game his head isn't on straight. If he comes sincerely apologizing in a few months, then proceed with caution. For now, your preference to deal with yourself and your son without his shenanigans is the better way to go.

NWGRITS

Yes, yes. It's called detaching with love. If we didn't care, then it would be more "dropping them like dead weight" or, for some of us, terminal no-contact.

redatlanta

Sounds to me like he is going fishing. Set the hook, catch, catch, catch.

His recovery should be focused on HIM. Not on YOU. That's a red flag IMO. Everything he wrote is. He doesn't want to hear about the bad things he has done because it makes him feel bad and isn't helping him? Then maybe he shouldn't contact you. Some blame shifting going on here in a very subtle way. Let's just all forget what happened……...

Early recovery - I do hope he continues. Limited contact best or none at all.

hopeful4

That is how you know he is not recovering. If he was he would accept that his problem is his, not blame someone else.

He has not even hit the first step.

I am sorry. Take very good care of YOU and your little!

dandylion

Christinastar----I would give him a date to discuss his recovery with you---by all means!!
I would make that date April 23, 2024. A review of his recovery history--at that point--might prove to be verrrry interesting!!

dandylion

Mango blast

Lying, blaming and drinking is what alcoholics do. Fact. It's part of the disease. It takes a lot of work to overcome that -- if a person commits to recovery and is willing to put in the work, it is possible. The only way to tell if he's doing that, is by his actions over time.

------------

btw - each time I've been having problems with my recovering/relapsing/now recovering husband, I've found a huge part of MY problem is within me. The more I keep working my program, the more I'm able to support him without judgement or taking things personally.

Refiner

Christina his text is full of blame (on you) and passive-aggressive "poor me's". Trust your instincts, girl!

Refiner

Wow I posted that ^^^ before reading everyone's responses. Sounds like we're all on to him, LOL.

christinastar10

Thanks everyone. He called today but I decided not to pick up. I just feel like he has other important people he can talk to and to be honest I'm upset with him still. I just don't find his behavior with me acceptable for anyone, alcoholic or not. I just feel it's best for me to continue to keep my distance from him.

NWGRITS

As is said around here "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable." That's all there is to it, no explanation required. You're growing stronger by the day!

tjol81

I've just put a new thread up, but I wish I'd read this first! I'm expecting exactly the same sort of message from my XAF and Have been panicking about how I'll deal with it when it comes! I feel the same about my A's unacceptable behaviour and am still too upset with him to want to speak with him. I started reacting very negatively to his drinking and treatment of me and now he's cut me off whilst he has a 90 day recovery. Like you, I really care about him and really want him to get better and actually start living rather than existing, but there's so much pain, anger and fear, that I'm not sure if I can ever really let him be part of my life any more.

Thank you so much for posting though. I can see that you're not being cruel or nasty, and I really admire you for your resolve. The responses have helped me see that it's OK to walk away. It's not judgemental or hateful. I still care about him, we were the best of friends after all, but there's too much history to forget, even if I do manage to forgive! I hope that I'll be able to be as strong as you when it comes to it, and thank you for showing me that I'm not a bad person. You're an inspiration to me in these dark days.