EmmyG

I just agreed to take the new apartment. As soon as I hung up the phone, I got hit with a flood of sadness. The first thought I had was that my husband will move on and date other people. Why am I sad about that? He has some good qualities, and I have some good memories. He can be romantic at times. And in the recent past we've had beautiful days out as a family. But the rest of it...the bad days, the drinking, the drugs, the fact that he has no patience with me, always tells me how careless and inept I am, is verbally/physically abusive toward me, we've never celebrated our wedding anniversary, the list could go on forever. Is this just about the codependent attachment I have to him? Or my ego? I know it will hurt to see him with someone else. And let's be honest, it would happen a lot faster for him. I am a mom, and that is my focus. I don't want a man in my life anytime soon - I need to focus on myself and on being a good mom. But it will still hurt me when I find out he's with someone else. Why? After all the hurt he's put me through?! How do I handle this part?

lillamy

I don't know. I can tell you how I handled it.

I stuffed it away.

All the positive good lovely stuff, all the good memories. I stuffed them away because they were too dangerous to remember. It's only in the past few months -- four years after leaving -- that I've been able to actually think of and mention the good times.

Codependents get pretty good at compartmentalizing. It's probably totally unhealthy, but for me, it was a way of going forward without being dragged down. Sort of like "oh, I have all these gianormous suitcases of stuff I'm gonna go through some day, but right now, I'm running to catch a train with three kids in tow so I'll just stick the bags in storage and come back for them another day."

Other than that, all I can say is it's just pain. It's not dangerous. Unless you let the pain derail you and affect your ability to think clearly.

LaTeeDa

Sadness happens. It's part of life. I posted today about my ex getting remarried. I posted about the anger I feel and how it's just not fair. But, underneath that anger is sadness. Sadness for what could have been. Sadness for the life I imagined that never manifested into reality.

How do you handle it? You feel it. You acknowledge it and you allow yourself to be a human who has emotions. The unpleasant ones as well as the pleasant ones. Being sad is uncomfortable, but not lethal. It's as okay to be sad as it is to be happy. And we all experience both.

Being in recovery doesn't mean we stop feeling the unpleasant emotions. It just means we allow them to exist without allowing them to run our lives. Be extra specially nice to yourself right now. You deserve it.

L

CodeJob

Hi Emmy!

I suppose he has that accent? Blame it all on that!

Accept those feelings and regrets are perfectly human. I am a little concerned that he is being a little too OK with things. I would not be surprised if he shows up with some hot chickie on his arm way too fast. Is someone in the wings already?

Just take it one day at a time. Signing a lease on an apartment is a huge step. Your qualifier sounds pretty unbalanced to me and who knows what magic trick of addiction will pop out of his black hat next. Be wary, but maybe in the future you two will establish an OK relationship to deal with co-parenting.

So glad you are keeping us posted. I pray for you and your boys. Hugs to your supportive family! I adore them for watching out for you.

Thinking

Emmy, you are sad for the fairy tale life you imagined and not for the one you actually had. I do that too, we probably all do. It's so easy to imagine that one day this frog actually will turn into the handsome prince. Keep remembering that you are escaping with your children to a life that will be stable and full of promise. You are leaving behind the dramas, the sadness, the unkindness. Be glad for yourself and sad for whichever poor woman he gets next.

Mellybug

I went through that, too...but then I remembered that there were a lot of times I thought he was with another woman while we were together, and at least this way I made the decision that *I* could be with another man if I so chose to! Which, naturally, I haven't chosen to. I choose to love MYSELF first, and then, perhaps, I will allow myself to date again.
I think for me it was that I wanted to feel "special"...I wanted to feel "important", and thinking about him moving on so quickly from me...made me feel less special and less important. Then I remembered that I didn't feel special or important while in the relationship.
So, I compartmentalize things a lot as well. I just shove it aside and focus on myself, which is really all I can do. Sometimes I bring it out and look at it, and just like the trinkets I have from my dad who passed away, and each time I bring things out and look at it, it no longer hurt so bad.
Give it time...love yourself.

AnvilheadII

you known now what he really has to OFFER...

the bad days, the drinking, the drugs, the fact that he has no patience with me, always tells me how careless and inept I am, is verbally/physically abusive toward me, we've never celebrated our wedding anniversary

not sure the next gal is really getting a prize emmy. unless and until he makes a HARD left in his life, cleans up and dedicates himself to staying sober every day for the rest of his life, no matter what, and works on correcting all the things in his head that say it's OK to treat the world and those you love like sh!t.....happiness will always elude him.

yet you have the whole world ahead of you.....your own dreams and goals not deadened by drugs or alcohol, your beautiful children to watch thrive and grow. be joyously glad YOU ARE YOU.

EmmyG

Thank you!!!!

On my way to pick up the boys after school, I pulled over and sobbed my heart out for about 15 minutes...never experienced anything like that before, I felt like I was hyperventilating. It's probably good though, because I need to let it out, I've been trying to be strong and I need to feel it. It almost feels like someone close to me has died, but it's the dreams I had for my family. BUT I can have new dreams.

Seren

Hug those precious boys, Emmy!

Here's one for you

HealingWillCome

Separation and divorce can be every bit as painful as losing a loved one to death.

I can remember thinking that losing my xah to death might have been easier than losing him to alcohol and another woman. When a spouse chooses love of an addiction over family, there is an extra level of pain and rejection that accompanies the grief. And then you are left to watch the ex-spouse in future relationships...it hurts, I know. I have cried the same way you cried in your car. I did mine in the middle of the night in the driveway of our house in the country, wailing and sobbing...I remember thinking that I probably sounded like a wild animal.

BUT, when the grief cycles to those places, open up SR, read your old posts and remind yourself why you are in a better place now. Time and space will heal, but it will take lots of it. But you will get through it. I promise.

Keep your boys as your focus. Love them and make them feel safe and secure, even when you have your moments of doubt. They will thank you for it one day. Keep going, Emmy! You are strong and doing good things for all of you!

LoveMeNow

Emmy ~ I just recently separated from my husband and am in the process of moving too. The first week was so hard but with every day, it got easier and easier, much easier. But really hurt myself and set myself back, each time I talked or texted him. Today, I finally blocked him. I know that it will be hard because of your boys but maybe if you just stick to the subject of the boys, you can minimize the insanity that comes with engaging with him.

Give it time, clarity comes and the pain eases.

EmmyG

You're right - I've been doing well and so strong, and then he started sobering up and acting like himself again and saying he hopes we can be friends and expressing concern for me, and it makes me much more upset. I told him tonight to please not contact me unless it's regarding the kids, and that we're not going to be "friends" anytime soon.

LoveMeNow

Emmy? Have you read any of Cynical One's blog....about splitting, no contact, starving the vampire, trauma bonding?? The blog has so much helpful information.

EmmyG

No! I'm going to read it now, thanks! I know there has to be something wrong here, because I have been so unhappy for so long, but I'm still so sad about leaving him, even though I know it's the best thing.

LoveMeNow

I understand. It's sad to give up the fantasy or the person with "potential." Our norm, our self esteem, our thinking becomes as warped as their's in so many ways.

In a few months, we will both posting.....what was I thinking and why did it take me so long? But this time, I am going to get very healthy before I meet anyone again. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy.

Healthy people don't live in insanity.

FeelingGreat

Hi EmmyG, the first sign of dating by the ex is painful, there's no getting around it, but it's never that painful again.
I am still ashamed of the way I reacted when it happened to me - snapped at the kids after they went out with him and the new girl - but once I got that out of the way and apologised somehow the sting was gone. I hope your nice long cry has the same function for you.
You're going so well, staying strong and purposeful, don't begrudge yourself the occasional feeling of grief and doubt. The day will come when they are in the background and life is so much happier because you had the courage to keep going.

Florence

I think this is one of the most important things you've said in this thread. You absolutely can have and deserve new dreams, ones in which you EXCEED your potential and see corners of your life and of this world you never would have imagined exploring before. Your life is bigger than him, much bigger.

"Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star." ~~W. Clement Stone

hopeful4

It is missing the person who once was. Emmy, he is not that person amymore.He had his hands wrapped around your neck and gaslights you to the point of insanity. He is an addicted abuser. You remember that. I am not trying to be mean, I am saying this because I want you to stay strong and remember why you are doing this. Everyone who leaves will go through a stage of sadness and grief for once was. You have a fresh start and life is going to bring you great things if you let it.

God Bless my friend!

lostsadalone

You are in mourning sweetheart, that takes time and it is an individual thing. You will mourn until you no longer need to mourn. Have you heard the saying for every door that is closed a window will open? I completely believe that and you have opened your window. You will deal with this, you have the strength to do it even if you don't see it ATM. We all know it and you will too.

Sending thoughts your way!

EmmyG

Thank you for the encouragement! I'm sad for my kids, and I also keep thinking about how I was 25 when we got married 7 years ago, and if I had chosen better, I could be living my dream life right now - instead, I'm living this. But I know I still have a lot of life left to live, and my sons to give a good life to - I can do my best to give them a happy one.