Moving forward...slowly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Moving forward...slowly
My turn (again) to vent and or share my insight...
I have come along way from my codependent ways. They have and will be a struggle. I don't see them as a weakness. It just means that I have cared to much, at times, and was willing to sacrifice myself for others....even when it didn't make sense. I wasn't a martyr...a wife and mother whose loved ones have battled addiction.
Both of my young adult children (age 19 and 25) have struggled for years. I have came to the conclusion that letting go of my husband was easier (when I needed to) then my children. My husband is in active recovery and doing well. My daughter (19) is doing well for a few months now.
Neither child is allowed to live in my house again. It's not healthy for either of us. My daughter agrees.
My son is my struggle now. He's been unemployed for months couch surfing. He recently got a construction job (min wage). He has nothing to his name. His boss has rented out a room for workers at a hotel down the street from me. They are working at different job sights and some workers are from out of town. I delivered some tacos and a drink to my son tonight. He will get his first paycheck this Wed.
Driving up I notice he looks thin and admits he's "tired." He thanks me for the food and says he is waiting on a room (busy season) and said he will stay in bosses room.
Then he tells me that he's been bleeding (rectal) in the last day. I inquire and he says "alot." He is always having something wrong. With drug use, depression, withdrawals...I've learned to tune it out. I suggest a doctor. He says he will but with a new job, etc.
Now my head spins. "What if...." Is there no end to this? He is a grown man. He has insurance thanks to his father. All he'd have to do is say... can you take me to the doctor? I reminded him of this tonight. "You are a grown man. It sounds urgent and I will take you to the doctor."
My codependent ways....wants to make the appointment, call him and take him to the doctor. I want to take care of him. Gosh...that sounds like what a mother would want to do. "He's a man. He is making his decisions. He has to decide when a good time to go to the doctor is..." This is what I am telling myself.
My head hurts and so does my heart.
I have come along way from my codependent ways. They have and will be a struggle. I don't see them as a weakness. It just means that I have cared to much, at times, and was willing to sacrifice myself for others....even when it didn't make sense. I wasn't a martyr...a wife and mother whose loved ones have battled addiction.
Both of my young adult children (age 19 and 25) have struggled for years. I have came to the conclusion that letting go of my husband was easier (when I needed to) then my children. My husband is in active recovery and doing well. My daughter (19) is doing well for a few months now.
Neither child is allowed to live in my house again. It's not healthy for either of us. My daughter agrees.
My son is my struggle now. He's been unemployed for months couch surfing. He recently got a construction job (min wage). He has nothing to his name. His boss has rented out a room for workers at a hotel down the street from me. They are working at different job sights and some workers are from out of town. I delivered some tacos and a drink to my son tonight. He will get his first paycheck this Wed.
Driving up I notice he looks thin and admits he's "tired." He thanks me for the food and says he is waiting on a room (busy season) and said he will stay in bosses room.
Then he tells me that he's been bleeding (rectal) in the last day. I inquire and he says "alot." He is always having something wrong. With drug use, depression, withdrawals...I've learned to tune it out. I suggest a doctor. He says he will but with a new job, etc.
Now my head spins. "What if...." Is there no end to this? He is a grown man. He has insurance thanks to his father. All he'd have to do is say... can you take me to the doctor? I reminded him of this tonight. "You are a grown man. It sounds urgent and I will take you to the doctor."
My codependent ways....wants to make the appointment, call him and take him to the doctor. I want to take care of him. Gosh...that sounds like what a mother would want to do. "He's a man. He is making his decisions. He has to decide when a good time to go to the doctor is..." This is what I am telling myself.
My head hurts and so does my heart.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: West Midlands
Posts: 135
I am so sorry you are going through this.. but from an AH's wife can i THANK YOU for NOT enabling your son?!?
I wish MY mil would LISTEN and hear me when i tell HER, dont give him money, dont believe his sob story, i provide EVERYTHING he needs except drugs and money. And, without fail, she gives in and sends him money so he can go and buy his darn pills and weed and coke.
I cant even begin to understand what kind of trouble you are fighting in your head, because, even just with my husband its sooo hard to detach from his issues and stop rescuing him... but if he were my child, i dont know how i would do it.
I wish MY mil would LISTEN and hear me when i tell HER, dont give him money, dont believe his sob story, i provide EVERYTHING he needs except drugs and money. And, without fail, she gives in and sends him money so he can go and buy his darn pills and weed and coke.
I cant even begin to understand what kind of trouble you are fighting in your head, because, even just with my husband its sooo hard to detach from his issues and stop rescuing him... but if he were my child, i dont know how i would do it.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Something important that I learned and found very hard to stick to was "don't do for them what they can and should do for themselves".
Your son is an adult, he knows he has a medical problem and that medical care is available. It's up to him to get the help he needs.
I am not trying to diagnose or trivialize what is wrong with your son, but it could be a bleeding hemorrhoid that is easily treated. Even a drop of blood can appear huge in a toilet...women know this. I hope he sees his doctor, he may save himself bigger problems later.
Hugs
Your son is an adult, he knows he has a medical problem and that medical care is available. It's up to him to get the help he needs.
I am not trying to diagnose or trivialize what is wrong with your son, but it could be a bleeding hemorrhoid that is easily treated. Even a drop of blood can appear huge in a toilet...women know this. I hope he sees his doctor, he may save himself bigger problems later.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hey mom, thanks for the tacos. and by the way i'm experiencing rectal bleeding. how are you?
who does that??? not sure why he felt the need to tell you - especially given the setting. you suggested a doctor....he said, yeah well......his butt, his problem. as you said, it's always something. surely he has the ability to get himself to a doctor if he really thought it was THAT important......
who does that??? not sure why he felt the need to tell you - especially given the setting. you suggested a doctor....he said, yeah well......his butt, his problem. as you said, it's always something. surely he has the ability to get himself to a doctor if he really thought it was THAT important......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
TX So sorry you are having to deal with this and worry. He is your son no matter what and of course you are wanting to carry his butt to the doctor but as everyone has said, he has to want to do it himself. Yeah it stinks allowing our children to make their own choices and wish they made better ones. I hope things work out fine and as Ann says it is just a bleeding hemorrhoid. Praying for you and your son.
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