Moving forward...slowly
My turn (again) to vent and or share my insight...
I have come along way from my codependent ways. They have and will be a struggle. I don't see them as a weakness. It just means that I have cared to much, at times, and was willing to sacrifice myself for others....even when it didn't make sense. I wasn't a martyr...a wife and mother whose loved ones have battled addiction.
Both of my young adult children (age 19 and 25) have struggled for years. I have came to the conclusion that letting go of my husband was easier (when I needed to) then my children. My husband is in active recovery and doing well. My daughter (19) is doing well for a few months now.
Neither child is allowed to live in my house again. It's not healthy for either of us. My daughter agrees.
My son is my struggle now. He's been unemployed for months couch surfing. He recently got a construction job (min wage). He has nothing to his name. His boss has rented out a room for workers at a hotel down the street from me. They are working at different job sights and some workers are from out of town. I delivered some tacos and a drink to my son tonight. He will get his first paycheck this Wed.
Driving up I notice he looks thin and admits he's "tired." He thanks me for the food and says he is waiting on a room (busy season) and said he will stay in bosses room.
Then he tells me that he's been bleeding (rectal) in the last day. I inquire and he says "alot." He is always having something wrong. With drug use, depression, withdrawals...I've learned to tune it out. I suggest a doctor. He says he will but with a new job, etc.
Now my head spins. "What if...." Is there no end to this? He is a grown man. He has insurance thanks to his father. All he'd have to do is say... can you take me to the doctor? I reminded him of this tonight. "You are a grown man. It sounds urgent and I will take you to the doctor."
My codependent ways....wants to make the appointment, call him and take him to the doctor. I want to take care of him. Gosh...that sounds like what a mother would want to do. "He's a man. He is making his decisions. He has to decide when a good time to go to the doctor is..." This is what I am telling myself.
My head hurts and so does my heart.