OkJustforToday

I started seeing a heroin addict about 6 months ago. She fell for me fast. I was slow to catch up, but when I did...gosh it blew my mind. I learned about her addiction and history of trauma–I took it in without judgement, but soon became enabling. I would loan her money because I couldn't stand seeing her get sick in the mornings, desperate for dope. She went to rehab after a few months, where I went to a family session and learned a lot about my own behaviors. I tried to be as supportive as possible. She went back to dope the day she came home–we went out drinking and did many things I know we shouldn't have in the following weeks.

I took care of her during withdrawal and did a lot of romantic gestures that I thought would cheer her up when she was trying to get clean on her own. We broke up off and on for a few months after her return, and had many ups and downs along the way.

Fast forward a few months–she just got put on suboxone and wants nothing to do with me. While I know that I was extremely enabling in the past, I cannot understand how she can be so (seemingly) emotionless. She cut me out of her life and will only talk to me at work (I'm her boss too... which doesn't help). The day after she broke up with me, she went around telling co-workers (only in my presence too, I've been told) that she had a hot date that day. She has also sent me emails when I've requested her to do work saying she cannot do it until tomorrow because she has a date, etc. etc. I cannot help but feel like she is hurting and trying to get back at me somehow, or trying to make me jealous. It's working.

I wrote her a 5 page letter and tried to give it to her the other day, but she slammed the door in my face and said she regret ever having a relationship with me. In the past, all she could talk about was how I never expressed my feelings. I tried to do that in my letter and explain all of the things that I have learned over the past few months, but I have been shut out. My brain tells me that this is for the best, but I cannot stop checking Facebook to see what she's up to. Whenever my phone rings, I hope it's her. I'm crazy about her. She really is the most beautiful and funny girl I've ever met–but sometimes I feel like there's no one inside there anymore. I want to let go, but I cannot stop obsessing. I know I haven't been perfect, but I have admitted my wrongs and want to move forward. Is it wishful thinking to believe that she may come back and apologize, or at least let me try to make amends once she's clean? I've heard that subs have emotional narrowing effects too, is that true? After all we've been through in the past few months, it's hard to believe that this is it.

As a side-note: she also owes me money...some I loaned her during the first few months of seeing each other, some she stole for drugs. I wonder if I'll ever see this money again, but I know I'm only hoping so because I know it would be an opportunity to talk again. She says I'm incredibly selfish for not respecting that she wants nothing to do with me, which I agree with–I am being selfish, but I have never been so cut off from someone before. All of my friends and co-workers says that she is unstable and I should give it space. It just really hurts, especially with all of the time and help I have offered her in the past. I would run to her at any second of the day if I knew I could help her somehow in the past. But I feel like I've never had an ounce of love or support in return and I would just like to talk about things with her.

I've been going to Al-Anon meetings, the gym, doing meditation, therapy and just about anything that can keep my mind off of her the last few weeks, but if I am not out doing something then I am laying around thinking of her, wondering if she'll call. For the most part, I wonder if her tough appearance is all a front and that she actually cares deep down... Gosh, I could really use some advice, this anxiety is driving me crazy. I want to take care of myself, I just cannot let go. I need closure. I want to work on my recovery and I am happy to give her distance while she's working on hers, but I feel like absolutely no contact after all that has happened is too much.

Vale

Please read the sticky's above they are an excellent resource.

We are all very sorry you are going through this and believe me......we know
how it feels!

You are among friends here.

CodeJob

Hello OK, Welcome!

You are doing a lot of good things for yourself in your final paragraph. So your anxiety seems to be with your continuing obsession with this woman?

There are some intriguing things here that perhaps you could talk about with your therapist. You are her boss so there is a power structure that may have helped hook you. You went to rehab program for a person you have not been involved with all that long. You were enabling and she owes you $. She is blatantly rude and baiting to you about her work, dating, etc. Despite this you press on with a 5 page letter... Look at this relationship and try to see what were you getting out of it when a "normal" person would have ended it. She may have been hooked on heroin, but you were hooked on the power/drama or something from the relationship.

For me, I now see threads of codependency in all of my past relationships. I just instinctively picked the triple crown to marry (ACOA, A, Codie). There was no "hook" for me from the few normal men I dated. I clearly was constructed to walk into a room and immediately know who was emotionally withdrawn and that was what I like to do - pull them out. By God I somehow thought that was my mission in life. I was not at university for my MRS degree, but I was there to take on these hopeless cases.

I hope you figure it out and find a better relationship in the future! Peace and resolve to you.

AnvilheadII

ok first, as her boss you know you had no business getting involved with a subordinate....that's simply unprofessional and sets a bad precedent for the rest of the staff. second, this has all transpired in the space of six months....and during that time she was either a) high b) in withdrawals c) in rehab or d) high. at no time were you dealing with someone with a clear head. as it was you carried on, thought there was really something TO all this, gave her money FOR DRUGS and she also STOLE money from you FOR DRUGS.

now she's changed her mind and is no longer interested. but still works for you, only refuses to work when asked. I believe in most sitatuations that's grounds for firing. she wants nothing to do with you, is not interested in paying you back a single dime. she used you. it happens. you thought there was more to it. there wasn't. best to cut your losses. no contact would be good FOR YOU. so you can regain your balance, let go of the fantasies and get grounded in reality again.

L0stH0pe

as tough as anvil sounds... (and believe me ive had that honesty on my first day here too and needed it ).. she's right.

I got confused about halfway through your post... well actually, i got confused after the third or so sentence. If you are her boss and she is refusing to work, you are showing her preferential treatment and that could cause you all sorts of issue in your professional life. It could break trust your other employees have in your leadership and mean that they will seek other employment. It's grounds for dismissal and there should be no excuse made just because she slept with you a few times. Her drug use, while working, would be another ground for dismissal, she is not a reliable employee and doesnt seem to demonstrate much interest in her job.
She is also telling you clearly that she has no interest in further pursuing a relationship with you, as hard as that is for you, you will eventually have to accept that. Sometimes we fall in love with the wrong people, sometimes the wrong people fall in love with us, either way i think any kind of relationship with you two would end up in tears.

I don't mean this in a nasty way, but i dont know how to word it differently, so please take it with a gentle tone.. you sound as though you are looking to be "the hero" and "rescuer".. it is a very romantic notion, but really has no place in a healthy relationship. Im learning this myself still as im new to the boards myself, but however much a woman may seem to you to "want to be rescued", she doesnt want to be smothered and feel forever indebted to you.

You are taking some great steps to help yourself and to change your life in a positive way, keep doing all that, read, educate yourself about addiction and codependency and maybe it is time to put this SIX months relationship into perspective? Unless you are a 17yrs old teenager, a 6 months relationship shouldnt be any more than a blip on the radar.

OkJustforToday

Hi everyone, I greatly appreciate your responses. Though some of it is hard to hear, I understand what's being said.

To clarify to Anvil, I began working at the company 6 months ago too, while she has been there for two years. I was a co-worker in the same position at first, we started seeing each other after working on a project together, but I jumped up the ladder extremely fast. That added a lot of tension to our relationship because she felt like I wasn't doing my job the way people have done in the past or protecting her, and she felt that she had seniority over many of the other managers who were promoted quickly. We have recently suspended her because many of the managers no longer want her on their projects for insubordinate behavior in the past. I think the hardest part about all of this is that her work is good, but she never admits when she has made a mistake or is willing to own up to them.

Again, thank you for your responses, I think now is the time to continue taking steps with my own recovery and self-care. I should try to let go, with as little contact as possible. It's hard, but I agree–six months is just a blip in the bigger picture.

Thanks again.