Supporting my partner through the loss of his mother
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 14
Supporting my partner through the loss of his mother
My partner's mother is currently in hospital with alcohol related liver failure and associated complications. Care is currently palliative and she isn't expected to be with us for much longer.
It feels like a very confusing time and I am hoping to ask for a little advice on how to approach this.
A little back story:
My partner's mother has been an alcoholic for over 15 years. She's 59 and my partner is 28. He has a sister who is 31 and their father is also 59 but they separated around 10 years ago for various reasons. They are all on good terms.
My partner was very young when the alcoholism became obvious and problematic. He feels that the mother he knew and loved died a long time ago and in her place is a woman he doesn't recognise or like very much. She's a nice lady, really, she wallows a lot and has done a few things to embarrass him as a result of her alcoholism but nothing major. I think he was once very close to her, as she was a really wonderful mother when her children were young and my partner is quite sensitive. After years of drinking a lot and a few suicide attempts, my partner distanced himself emotionally.
He says that he just had enough and feels that he reached an emotional limit with it that means he just accepted it then and grieved then. So, now he says he feels sad for her but no more than he would anyone else as she is essentially a stranger.
This all sounds fine, except the impact upon his life has been profound. He's an exceptionally bright person who has massively underachieved and doesn't believe he will ever "get anywhere" so never bothers to try. He can be quite distant, emotionally - though not enough to be hugely problematic. He tends to be his own worst enemy and most fierce critic. He also becomes quite distant and stressed when his mother is going through bad patches. Particularly now. He admits that he feels transported back to a time when he was a teenager and he felt trapped and lonely, but is also quite impatient if I seem too sympathetic or to be "projecting" any emotions on to him.
I am a bit stuck, really. He's coping perfectly well with everything, considering, and we talk plenty and he shares his stress. It just tends to be logistical stress rather than emotional stress and I am worried that her passing might bring up old feelings that he might have repressed, rather than dealt with.
I don't know whether to accept what he is saying at face value or to be ready for him to struggle. We have 2 young children and I am trying to be helpful and supportive, I just worry about the unknown and want to know if I'm getting this horribly wrong...
Can anyone who has been through similar offer any insight on how best to approach this? I don't want to add further stress to his life but I am all too aware that this has been a black shadow over his life that he would rather pretend doesn't exist.
Any thoughts?
Thank you!
It feels like a very confusing time and I am hoping to ask for a little advice on how to approach this.
A little back story:
My partner's mother has been an alcoholic for over 15 years. She's 59 and my partner is 28. He has a sister who is 31 and their father is also 59 but they separated around 10 years ago for various reasons. They are all on good terms.
My partner was very young when the alcoholism became obvious and problematic. He feels that the mother he knew and loved died a long time ago and in her place is a woman he doesn't recognise or like very much. She's a nice lady, really, she wallows a lot and has done a few things to embarrass him as a result of her alcoholism but nothing major. I think he was once very close to her, as she was a really wonderful mother when her children were young and my partner is quite sensitive. After years of drinking a lot and a few suicide attempts, my partner distanced himself emotionally.
He says that he just had enough and feels that he reached an emotional limit with it that means he just accepted it then and grieved then. So, now he says he feels sad for her but no more than he would anyone else as she is essentially a stranger.
This all sounds fine, except the impact upon his life has been profound. He's an exceptionally bright person who has massively underachieved and doesn't believe he will ever "get anywhere" so never bothers to try. He can be quite distant, emotionally - though not enough to be hugely problematic. He tends to be his own worst enemy and most fierce critic. He also becomes quite distant and stressed when his mother is going through bad patches. Particularly now. He admits that he feels transported back to a time when he was a teenager and he felt trapped and lonely, but is also quite impatient if I seem too sympathetic or to be "projecting" any emotions on to him.
I am a bit stuck, really. He's coping perfectly well with everything, considering, and we talk plenty and he shares his stress. It just tends to be logistical stress rather than emotional stress and I am worried that her passing might bring up old feelings that he might have repressed, rather than dealt with.
I don't know whether to accept what he is saying at face value or to be ready for him to struggle. We have 2 young children and I am trying to be helpful and supportive, I just worry about the unknown and want to know if I'm getting this horribly wrong...
Can anyone who has been through similar offer any insight on how best to approach this? I don't want to add further stress to his life but I am all too aware that this has been a black shadow over his life that he would rather pretend doesn't exist.
Any thoughts?
Thank you!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Welcome to SR, Ellen. Sorry to hear about your partner's mother.
Unfortunately, alcoholics many times alienate family members. What your partner is feeling isn't rare. He may cope with this well or he may go through a bad patch. In either case, we cannot see the future and I don't think you should worry about what may or may not happen. Just be there for him and try not to worry about the unknown.
Unfortunately, alcoholics many times alienate family members. What your partner is feeling isn't rare. He may cope with this well or he may go through a bad patch. In either case, we cannot see the future and I don't think you should worry about what may or may not happen. Just be there for him and try not to worry about the unknown.
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Hi & welcome!
There are a lot of ACOAs here, but there's also an ACOA part of this message board (Adult Children of Alcoholics) where you may get some good insights from people who are dealing with similar issues as your husband.
What comes to my mind immediately is that we talk a lot here about how you can't help alcoholics seek help, they won't do it until they're good and ready. I think that's true about everyone, actually. Addict or not. You don't seek help until you feel you need it.
That said -- if it were my husband, I may ask him if he thought therapy would be a good idea? My parents weren't addicts -- they were amazing parents -- and yet, part of what happened to me in childhood despite having great parents laid the groundwork for the personality traits I developed and that taught me to not prioritize myself. I've been in therapy and dug up the dirt on myself, and it's not about blaming anyone, it's more about understanding why I react the way I do to things.
What your husband says about being done grieving rings true to me. I had grieved the death of my marriage long before I left it. I've seen time and time again how spouses of alcoholics bury their alcoholic and are in a new relationship very quickly -- not because they can't stand to be alone but because they've already been alone for years.
I would also suggest to your husband to look into ACOA meetings. It's difficult to admit that you have problems related to someone else's drinking, but being around other people who "get it" is really healing.
There are a lot of ACOAs here, but there's also an ACOA part of this message board (Adult Children of Alcoholics) where you may get some good insights from people who are dealing with similar issues as your husband.
What comes to my mind immediately is that we talk a lot here about how you can't help alcoholics seek help, they won't do it until they're good and ready. I think that's true about everyone, actually. Addict or not. You don't seek help until you feel you need it.
That said -- if it were my husband, I may ask him if he thought therapy would be a good idea? My parents weren't addicts -- they were amazing parents -- and yet, part of what happened to me in childhood despite having great parents laid the groundwork for the personality traits I developed and that taught me to not prioritize myself. I've been in therapy and dug up the dirt on myself, and it's not about blaming anyone, it's more about understanding why I react the way I do to things.
What your husband says about being done grieving rings true to me. I had grieved the death of my marriage long before I left it. I've seen time and time again how spouses of alcoholics bury their alcoholic and are in a new relationship very quickly -- not because they can't stand to be alone but because they've already been alone for years.
I would also suggest to your husband to look into ACOA meetings. It's difficult to admit that you have problems related to someone else's drinking, but being around other people who "get it" is really healing.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
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Thank you very much, everyone. I really appreciate your insight. I was unfamiliar with the term ACOA and have found a lot of great information having researched it a little. I feel more prepared and a bit more useful to my partner now.
Thank you x
Thank you x
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Hi, Ellen. I'm an ACOA in the process of divorcing an alcoholic who is also an ACOA. I second counseling. It's a great option, if he's willing to go. Another really good option is al-anon or ACOA meetings as lillamy suggested. I started al-anon because of my marriage to an alcoholic... but I'm finding that so many of my issues and behaviors really are rooted in my childhood, growing up in an alcoholic home. I've been to both al-anon and ACOA meetings and they are tremendously helpful to me. Of course, all you can do is give him the information. Only he can choose whether he wants to reach out for help or not.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I can't see him being open to it, but that may change. I think my tactic is just to nurture him a bit and change the way I interact with him (i.e. disagreements/arguments) and then gently raise the issue at some point. I think he feels he has talked it to death recently so I'l leave the ball in his court for now, at least until his mother has passed and things have settled in the aftermath.
So glad I found this place. The more I read, the more awful I feel about some of the things I have said/ways I have reacted. I always knew he was affected, but I haven't every fully appreciated just how it was manifesting.
So glad I found this place. The more I read, the more awful I feel about some of the things I have said/ways I have reacted. I always knew he was affected, but I haven't every fully appreciated just how it was manifesting.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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I think it helps that I am from a toxic home and have healed myself/my inner child so fully appreciate what's involved in properly processing these things. I think it was just important for me to identify the exact characteristics he has taken on to appreciate that he has the same journey to come.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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You could consider AlAnon meetings for yourself. You would get wisdom from children of alcoholics in those meetings that might help you understand where your husband is. He would benefit form attending of course as well.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midland, MI
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My father was diagnosed with terminal cancer 8 years ago, and was given about 6 weeks to live. He was an alcoholic and a narcotic addict, and for most of my life I loved and hated him in equal measures. At the age of 14 I decided to "give up" on him and have that "loving detachment" with him that is so highly spoken of in Al Anon...with mixed results.
When I first heard the diagnosis I was upset, but didn't really react (I had told my husband the weekend before I wanted a divorce).
Anticipatory grief is a horrible thing - the person you're grieving isn't even gone yet, and you don't have any idea when that will be...and it's SO hard to live with. It's like staring at the face of a snarling bear...you know it's going to attack, and you know it's going to be bad...but you have no idea when. You try to prepare emotionally and mentally, and you just CAN'T! You try to steel yourself for when that bear finally attacks, and some days you wish it would just hurry up and get on with it. Imagine all of the stages of grief from losing someone, yet that person can still be seen, heard, felt, talked to. It's devastatingly difficult....
I suspect your partner can't even begin to sort out what he is feeling...all of those old feelings about my dad came back for me. All of the happiness, all of the pain. I sat down with him many times and was able to, over the course of the next 2 months before he passed, make peace with him.
There were days when I wanted to talk it to death. There were days I wanted to talk about ANYTHING but that.
If you want to talk about anything relating the situation, PLEASE feel free to PM me. I would be more than happy to share my experience...each time I am able to it helps me heal more, so you'd be doing me a favor, too. *chuckle*
When I first heard the diagnosis I was upset, but didn't really react (I had told my husband the weekend before I wanted a divorce).
Anticipatory grief is a horrible thing - the person you're grieving isn't even gone yet, and you don't have any idea when that will be...and it's SO hard to live with. It's like staring at the face of a snarling bear...you know it's going to attack, and you know it's going to be bad...but you have no idea when. You try to prepare emotionally and mentally, and you just CAN'T! You try to steel yourself for when that bear finally attacks, and some days you wish it would just hurry up and get on with it. Imagine all of the stages of grief from losing someone, yet that person can still be seen, heard, felt, talked to. It's devastatingly difficult....
I suspect your partner can't even begin to sort out what he is feeling...all of those old feelings about my dad came back for me. All of the happiness, all of the pain. I sat down with him many times and was able to, over the course of the next 2 months before he passed, make peace with him.
There were days when I wanted to talk it to death. There were days I wanted to talk about ANYTHING but that.
If you want to talk about anything relating the situation, PLEASE feel free to PM me. I would be more than happy to share my experience...each time I am able to it helps me heal more, so you'd be doing me a favor, too. *chuckle*
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