Finding love after leaving an A
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 18
Finding love after leaving an A
To balance out my other post from today, would like to reframe with a more positive focus.
Anyone out there leave/get left by their A and find a well-balanced, happy, warm, comforting love after? Could you share?
What was the key to finding this wonderful person?
When did it happen for you?
Anyone out there leave/get left by their A and find a well-balanced, happy, warm, comforting love after? Could you share?
What was the key to finding this wonderful person?
When did it happen for you?
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I left my XABF of 10 months and soon met the man I am married to today.
All of this came after three years of being alone, getting to know, respect, and love myself, to become a whole person instead of a broken soul wandering through the world looking for someone to complete me and fix me, attaching myself to any display of affection or interest so I would not have to look in the mirror and feel unloved. I was in therapy and spent a great deal of time by myself. If I wasn't by myself, I was with friends who reflected the best in me, who genuinely liked me, who had limited drama of their own, and who thought I was smart or funny or whatever quality I wanted to embrace. I wrote a novel, I joined a theatre company and directed, acted in, and wrote plays.
When I met the A I would become involved with, I thought my eyes were open, but really I was just trying to build a scale model of my relationship with my mother, the original A in my life. I was trying to prove that there was something I could have done to change her (and I was wrong). Because of my experience, and my sense of self-esteem, I was able to limit the devastation of living with and caring for an active alcoholic, but all I was really doing was making myself unavailable for the real thing (and despite the fact that I ended up meeting my very well-adjusted, handsome, and hilarious husband shortly thereafter, the Real Thing could have happily been me for the rest of my life...I was prepared to accept being alone over being with an addict or any other person still trying to fix himself through his relationship).
Today I make the conscious decision every day to accept my husband, my best friend, and my life partner for exactly who he is right now. Lucky for me, he makes that easy. But I am not naive that people change, and that for better or for worse, more will always be revealed. If I were, for any reason, to lose this relationship, I would of course be devastated, but I know now that I can never lose the love I built within myself, for myself. It is not dependent on my marriage, my job, my acting career, or my past. That is the real victory in everything I have been through.
All of this came after three years of being alone, getting to know, respect, and love myself, to become a whole person instead of a broken soul wandering through the world looking for someone to complete me and fix me, attaching myself to any display of affection or interest so I would not have to look in the mirror and feel unloved. I was in therapy and spent a great deal of time by myself. If I wasn't by myself, I was with friends who reflected the best in me, who genuinely liked me, who had limited drama of their own, and who thought I was smart or funny or whatever quality I wanted to embrace. I wrote a novel, I joined a theatre company and directed, acted in, and wrote plays.
When I met the A I would become involved with, I thought my eyes were open, but really I was just trying to build a scale model of my relationship with my mother, the original A in my life. I was trying to prove that there was something I could have done to change her (and I was wrong). Because of my experience, and my sense of self-esteem, I was able to limit the devastation of living with and caring for an active alcoholic, but all I was really doing was making myself unavailable for the real thing (and despite the fact that I ended up meeting my very well-adjusted, handsome, and hilarious husband shortly thereafter, the Real Thing could have happily been me for the rest of my life...I was prepared to accept being alone over being with an addict or any other person still trying to fix himself through his relationship).
Today I make the conscious decision every day to accept my husband, my best friend, and my life partner for exactly who he is right now. Lucky for me, he makes that easy. But I am not naive that people change, and that for better or for worse, more will always be revealed. If I were, for any reason, to lose this relationship, I would of course be devastated, but I know now that I can never lose the love I built within myself, for myself. It is not dependent on my marriage, my job, my acting career, or my past. That is the real victory in everything I have been through.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
Yep, and I think the key was time. Really giving myself enough time to heal, and recognizing that I was in no way ready for a relationship for several years. (And by several, it was about 4 years of just ME.) I was a pretty broken person for a long time, and although I certainly didn't broadcast it, I needed a good chunk of time.
It's hard when you just want to get on with it, but there's not a lot I could have done to speed up the process.
It's hard when you just want to get on with it, but there's not a lot I could have done to speed up the process.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
I am in a healthy relationship now. We live together which goes against how I was raised, but I am getting older so it is not such a big deal now I suppose. Not sure that I want to be married. I have expectations of marriage that I don't want. To me, marriage is for having babies and financial interdependence, neither is on my radar at the present time.
I don't know what the key is to finding someone as I was not open or wanting to have a relationship when we met and he is NOT my type. We were friends first and he kept pursuing me. I agreed to go out with him because I considered him only a friend and felt safe with him. I was the "at home" version of myself with him, never trying very hard to impress. I guess he was intrigued. He says he liked talking to me and over time, romance developed.
His sister set us up on a blind date. When he called to ask me out first, I said that it was a friend only blind date and he agreed. He was actually my first blind date, I think. Usually I met former flames through friends or work situations (not co-workers).
I don't know what the key is to finding someone as I was not open or wanting to have a relationship when we met and he is NOT my type. We were friends first and he kept pursuing me. I agreed to go out with him because I considered him only a friend and felt safe with him. I was the "at home" version of myself with him, never trying very hard to impress. I guess he was intrigued. He says he liked talking to me and over time, romance developed.
His sister set us up on a blind date. When he called to ask me out first, I said that it was a friend only blind date and he agreed. He was actually my first blind date, I think. Usually I met former flames through friends or work situations (not co-workers).
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I just want to say thanks for addressing the time component.
I am just over three years divorced, and am just now considering dabbling in the idea of relationships again (all other parties involved in the breakup are remarried). I still think I probably need another year or so before I am ready to be serious about a relationship. I feel like I am in the precontemplation phase.
It is a just a relief to hear that my internal gut is not crazy....I know this time has been well spent. The reassurance that others have done this also and found it to be time well spent on a very important person in his/her life is just a relief to see in black and white.
I am just over three years divorced, and am just now considering dabbling in the idea of relationships again (all other parties involved in the breakup are remarried). I still think I probably need another year or so before I am ready to be serious about a relationship. I feel like I am in the precontemplation phase.
It is a just a relief to hear that my internal gut is not crazy....I know this time has been well spent. The reassurance that others have done this also and found it to be time well spent on a very important person in his/her life is just a relief to see in black and white.
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