izzyrose05

You're all going to knock me upside the head. I deserve it. So here's what I did..

He's been all over facebook making vague but obvious judgements about me and what a horrible girlfriend I was. It's been about 7 weeks since we spoke and he shows no signs of slowing down on his anger and obsessive thought process. Nor do I for that matter. I know. Codie Alarm is going off. But I don't post crap about him on facebook or anywhere else except here.

I read somewhere that hurting people hurt. He's hurting.

I feel like he needs me to just tell him It's OK. Tell him I loved him and I don't hate him and I wish him well and just call it a day.

So, I did, I sent the email.

Luckily, I'm able to get into his email and delete my lapse in judgement, so I deleted the email. He never saw it.

Don't yell at me. He gave me the password long ago.

But here's the thing. I feel like a damn junkie myself. I have blocked him on facebook, only to unblock him again. I am feeling the strongest urge to send him this email. I want to put him at ease, so he will stop this assault against me. Damn it. He even bought a Glock handgun and put pictures of it online. He thinks I hate him. I don't. I love him. I just can't be with him.

Oh Dear God, I can't take this constant assault on my character and I know he is only doing it because he hurts so damn bad. And he's drunk a lot of the time now.

DAMN IT.

Just typing this makes me feel freaking pathetic. But I guess that helps me refrain from putting my foot in the quicksand again. I just need to know it's the right thing to do. Not to contact him. I feel like he's struggling and he doesn't know how to ask for help. It comes out the wrong way.**** **** ****

Stung

Been there, done that. You're not alone. Only my husband was actually face to face telling friends and family lies about me (thankfully he doesn't have a Facebook account.) But there is a saying around here that was helpful: what other people think about me is none of my business.

We cannot control what ANYONE says about us or thinks about us. Whatever he is saying about you, I promise you that it says a lot more about his character that he's airing his dirty laundry on FB more than whatever the content of his status updates say about you.

Have you seen people air their dirty laundry on FB before? I have. You know what I think about people that do that? That they're out of control. That their lives are so drama filled that they have to put it on FB and bring it to the masses. It's sad. Don't stoop to his level. Don't even acknowledge what he's doing because that is what he wants. He wants to create this drama with you so he can take his mind off of his problems, off of his drinking.

You know how to disable a lying, alcoholic, drama monger like him? Don't give him the satisfaction of letting his lies effect you. Just let it go and instead go do something nice for yourself! How about a pedicure with some friends and talk about things that have NOTHING to do with him. Or heck, go treat yourself to a pedicure and a trashy magazine or a good book.

P.S. People who vaguebook are super annoying. They always get blocked by me. "I'm having such a hard time right now because some people just don't know how to handle themselves." Which of course this person just wants you to ask them "what's wrong?" Super annoying and attention seeking. If you wanna talk trash on FB just come right out and do it or text your friends about your problems like the rest of the world does.

izzyrose05

Thank you Stung. Only one that jumped in and saved me. I sent the email a third time and erased it AGAIN after reading your response. You saved my ass. I needed that

Seren

Aw, izzy, I'm sorry...so, maybe not your finest moment, but we live, we learn, we do better!

If it makes you feel any better, I used to date an artist and had to break up with him because his PTSD made him like a black hole that I could never possibly fill, even though he wanted me to. He drew a cartoon lampooning me....and published it....yay me!

Sending prayers and good thoughts! Hang in there

atalose

Whack - whack upside your head......lol

Why do you want to invite further hurt, pain and disappointment into your life, again?

So a drunk is quacking crap about you, and on "Fakebook" no less. You can't control that and anyone who buys into his quack can't really be a friend.

What's your thoughts rolling around in your head about "needing" to tell him it's ok? What's ok? That he treated you badly? That he drinks to excess?

And why do you think telling him you loved him is a solution to any of this?

theuncertainty

Exactly. And it's a way to take center-stage and get kudos or sympathy or plain old attention. AXH's now-xGF aired the divorce, custody fight / arrangements and her feelings about it all and me on FB constantly. I was always the manipulative ex-wife causing a sh-t storm for her 'wonderful man' and her posts got all of her friends to pat her on the back and tell her how wonderful she was to put up with me. Blocking her and AXH so I couldn't see his stories and didn't get his news feed was a sanity saver. They could say whatever they wanted; believe whatever messed up story they wanted to say to try to make themselves look better and I didn't have to hear it. A mutual acquaintance tells me that she also posted the demise of their relationship and the reasons on FB. A year after it ended. Feels like it's all for another round in the spotlight.

Doesn't make it any less cr-p. Doesn't make it true. Anyone who truly matters in MY life would either ignore the lies, or would come and ask me for information.

(((hugs))) Like Stung said, what he posts says more about him than it does about you. And even if he's hurting, it doesn't excuse being hurtful towards you.

izzyrose05

I'm not sure why I think that Atalose. My own codependent brain is trying to convince me that he is desperate to know I don't hate him. Maybe his guilt and shame are eating at him. Perhaps if he could free himself of this guilt, he might be able to seek some help. He's trapped. I'm just wanting to open a door for him, however, slight and hope he walks through. Why should I care? I shouldn't. I absolutely shouldn't care. I am desperate for some kind of peaceful ending. I have to see him around periodically and I don't want the HATE.

It eats me alive on the inside.

Please don't get me wrong. I'm not arguing the point to email him, I'm just answering your question.

And uncertainty...I have blocked him. I always unblock him. I guess, he's still a sort of addiction for me.

I know his posts make him look worse than they do me. They just hurt! Coming from someone I loved. Just shouldn't be happening.

redatlanta

Honey even if you send that email and he reads it do you think he is going to stop?

Misery becomes people's friend. Fills the void. He will have to work through it himself and when he does he will stop.

You send that mail and you will just fuel his fire. Kudos to you for coming here and telling everyone. We have all been there…..I sure don't miss those crazy days.

LifeRecovery

izzyrose5-

For me the temptation of having his email password would set me into a tailspin like it sounds like you are in.

I think having it would be more than I could handle. Is there a way you can let him know you have it, and to change it.

I was struggling with something similar and finally after the last go round of crying because I had opened myself up to hurt I was able to just STOP. I had to get to that point.....

I don't think you are crazy, or if you are I was with you just a short time ago.

boomtruck

Thanks, everyone. I'm facing a similar situation and all these posts just brought me back to sanity.

HSSH

Oh, izzyrose05, I am right there with you today. Am praying for us both.

ResignedToWait

I say, write your email that you want to send him. Save it as a Draft.
Come back tomorrow and read it...edit it a little bit, change it...save it again.
Go back the next day and read it again. If you STILL feel the same way, that you want to send the email, then go for it.

AnvilheadII

He's been all over facebook making vague but obvious judgements about me and what a horrible girlfriend I was.

that he is desperate to know I don't hate him. Maybe his guilt and shame are eating at him.

um I don't think he's really worried about what YOU feel....or that YOU don't hate him. his actions seem pretty clear.......he has taken to social media to state his displeasure. oooo, tough guy.

get off facebook, save yourself. nothing on FB should ever be given any weight in our REAL lives....if you aren't ON FB then what is posted there will not affect you one bit.

atalose

I think you are correct when you say your codependent brain is trying to convince you of things.

You are making a lot of assumptions about him and his feelings, guilt, shame probably based on your own feelings and assuming he is similiar.

I have to agree that his actions do not take into account your feelings let alone show any guilt or shame eating him alive.

You are still emotionally vested in him, still thinking you some how can save him from himself and not fully excepting you can't.

I think that wanting to open a door for him is you still waiting on one side of that door hoping he walks through it to you and all will be well.

Until you fully accept this relationship is over your Codie brain will continue to make up stories in your head of saving him, being the one he changes for, him claiming his dire love for you and doing what it will take to win you back. That he is hurting because you left and can't function in life because of all his guilt and shame and some how it's up to you to make it alright for him.

Once you make up your mind and accept its over, the Facebook stuff won't bothe you, you'll stop going into his email and checking up on him. You'll begin to live YOUR life in the present instead of looking back to what could have been if only he'd have stopped drinking.

izzyrose05

Atalose, your comments just made me cry which means, you are absolutely right. You all are and I am grateful to have the support from all of you. Sometimes, I wish I could curl up and climb into this website and pull up the covers. Only place I feel I can truly let go of my emotions and I don't have to always stay so strong. So thanks.

atalose

Didn’t mean to make you cry, its hard hearing the truth when all we want to do is believe in our own fantasies and have that happily ever after.

Years ago I heard this:

You can’t mourn the death of the relationship if you are still dancing with the corps.

And dancing can mean – remaining emotionally attached, spying on, checking up on, asking 3rd parties about them, down grading to “friend status”, constantly checking their Facebook, etc. etc.

There is sooooo much more to their issues than just the drinking. The drinking usually is just the tip of the iceberg. And more often than not once they stop consuming the booze; all those other issues they were trying to drowned away still remain, still need to be faced and dealt with. So it’s not as simple as just NOT drinking or NOT taking drugs and going to some meetings, it’s a lifelong battle that most chose not to fight.

Think about what you need to do for you to close this chapter in your life and begin to take those steps because you are worth it.

CodeJob

Izzy, you are in Muskegon? You just need some spring and the snow to GO AWAY. All will be well.

As for FB, it isn't cool anymore. Only people our age are using it!

HSSH

Thank you so much for this post.

izzyrose05

Damn Straight Codejob. the snow is melting ever so slowly and the sun coming out just as slowly. I can't wait to get down to the beach and put my toes in the sand.

Trailsky

This is really great advice!

I know what you are going through is hard.

A couple years after my first divorce I was still sending emails about all the wrongs he did. Every time I sent one I thought for sure I would get an apology and closure would happen. Every time his response reignited my flame of anger towards him. My therapist told me if I was waiting for closure from him I will be waiting until the day I die. She helped me get a glimpse of my Codie ways although I wasn't able to understand at that time. He had his hooks in my years after we divorced! It was me keeping the dance with a corpse alive.

I still have a long way to go with the Codie in me but I was able to unhook the claws from husband #1 and once I did that, every time we see each other now (for my sons drop off/pick up) he is so pleasant. I have no idea what is going on in his life. No Facebook friends, no checking up, asking 3rd parties as described above. It was HARD to not be right and let go.

The change starts with you. He will never get it. You can't control him into understanding. Do you go to alanon?