Parenting with alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
Parenting with alcoholic
Hi. I know I've posted on here before about this. I'm sorry. I feel crazy right now.
I (we) had a Parent Teacher meeting today, during which a teacher said she checks to make sure ex isn't driving because he's not ok when he picks our kid up. He does drive. He just parks away from the school.
Thankfully he didn't show up to this meeting or I wouldn't have found that out. He knew about the meeting. He called 3 hours later to double check that we did have a meeting today.
I am angry that he just disappeared last week, leaving me in the lurch with our child/my job. For two days. Then this week, she had a couple days off school, again, no show on his part. I've missed work, I don't get sick days.
This is really crappy for our child. I hate it. She's been hyper emotional, I feel awful.
After all his dramatic stupid drunken aggro behaviour yesterday, his no show today, he calls her tonight to be all sweet, I love you, I missed you. I want to effing punch him through the effing phone. What is this doing to her? It's blatant manipulation (in my eyes).
I feel sick to my stomach.
Thanks for reading and if you have any advice, please.
Lemme have it.
I have custody papers to fill out right now. I want to ask for supervised visitation for him? Is that too much/not enough?
I (we) had a Parent Teacher meeting today, during which a teacher said she checks to make sure ex isn't driving because he's not ok when he picks our kid up. He does drive. He just parks away from the school.
Thankfully he didn't show up to this meeting or I wouldn't have found that out. He knew about the meeting. He called 3 hours later to double check that we did have a meeting today.
I am angry that he just disappeared last week, leaving me in the lurch with our child/my job. For two days. Then this week, she had a couple days off school, again, no show on his part. I've missed work, I don't get sick days.
This is really crappy for our child. I hate it. She's been hyper emotional, I feel awful.
After all his dramatic stupid drunken aggro behaviour yesterday, his no show today, he calls her tonight to be all sweet, I love you, I missed you. I want to effing punch him through the effing phone. What is this doing to her? It's blatant manipulation (in my eyes).
I feel sick to my stomach.
Thanks for reading and if you have any advice, please.
Lemme have it.
I have custody papers to fill out right now. I want to ask for supervised visitation for him? Is that too much/not enough?
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
I don't think it's too much if he's drinking and driving with her in the car. I will not longer let AH drive with kids and its frustrating I have to do it all myself but its not a choice to keep them safe.
Also, you have a teacher that noticed...that should help you with custody, visitation. Make sure you document everything.
Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard and so unfair to kids but I guess we have to accept we have no control to change it.
Also, you have a teacher that noticed...that should help you with custody, visitation. Make sure you document everything.
Sorry you are going through this. I know it's hard and so unfair to kids but I guess we have to accept we have no control to change it.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I don't have any advice on custody. My XAH has agreed to give me sole physical and legal custody. Since one of our kids is no contact with his father, this makes sense and works for us. My kids are older than yours (all teens/young adults) so my experience is vastly different. Given what you've written, supervised visitation does sound like a good idea.
As for the rest, this is what is working for me: I have no expectations except that he treat my daughter well when she's with him and not drink and drive with her in the car. That's it, period. I do not expect he will take her to appointments, attend her recitals, call her on the phone, take her to school, or even do the things he's promised to do. If he tells me he will do these things, I take it with a grain of salt, assume he'll 'forget' or change his mind at the last minute. I don't ask him or remind him. I just assume he won't be there, regardless of what he promised. I don't promise dd that he will be there, I don't ask her if she's talked to him, etc. I just don't make any comments about it period. If he shows up, great. If not, no one's disappointed. It happened just last week. DD did not know he was planning to attend so she wasn't disappointed. I wasn't disappointed because I assumed he wouldn't be there even though he said he would. Does it suck to not be able to depend on him to coparent? Yes, absolutely! But, it is what it is. Doing things this way frees me from the anger and resentment. Also the not drinking and driving and the treating dd well are actually more boundaries for me than expectations. If he breaches either of those, it won't be a matter of him doing anything, it will be me taking measures to protect dd.
Last thing, on the drinking and driving, again it's easier for me since dd is 14 and will have her permit in less than a year. Since she's old enough, we've just spoken at length about the importance of not riding in a car with anyone who's drinking. She carries a cell phone and money at all times and knows she can call me any time of day/night to pick her up. Thankfully, my XAH is mostly just the drink at home type (and he lives within walking distance to shopping, restaurants, etc so they just walk everywhere right now.)
As for the rest, this is what is working for me: I have no expectations except that he treat my daughter well when she's with him and not drink and drive with her in the car. That's it, period. I do not expect he will take her to appointments, attend her recitals, call her on the phone, take her to school, or even do the things he's promised to do. If he tells me he will do these things, I take it with a grain of salt, assume he'll 'forget' or change his mind at the last minute. I don't ask him or remind him. I just assume he won't be there, regardless of what he promised. I don't promise dd that he will be there, I don't ask her if she's talked to him, etc. I just don't make any comments about it period. If he shows up, great. If not, no one's disappointed. It happened just last week. DD did not know he was planning to attend so she wasn't disappointed. I wasn't disappointed because I assumed he wouldn't be there even though he said he would. Does it suck to not be able to depend on him to coparent? Yes, absolutely! But, it is what it is. Doing things this way frees me from the anger and resentment. Also the not drinking and driving and the treating dd well are actually more boundaries for me than expectations. If he breaches either of those, it won't be a matter of him doing anything, it will be me taking measures to protect dd.
Last thing, on the drinking and driving, again it's easier for me since dd is 14 and will have her permit in less than a year. Since she's old enough, we've just spoken at length about the importance of not riding in a car with anyone who's drinking. She carries a cell phone and money at all times and knows she can call me any time of day/night to pick her up. Thankfully, my XAH is mostly just the drink at home type (and he lives within walking distance to shopping, restaurants, etc so they just walk everywhere right now.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
Thank you. I got a lawyer's number from a friend, going to consult or get a recommendation to get some advice about establishing custody with set clear visitation.
I think I've been clinging onto a dream that he would try to be a good dad, which is just dumb. He's an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him pull the bailing on her/calling later when he's sober with the "i love you's".
It broke my heart when he did it to me.
Where's daddy? Is daddy going to come pick me up today? Why didn't daddy come see me today? Can I call him to say goodnight? And he doesn't answer half the time. So we read an extra book those nights and snuggle a little longer before I put her to bed.
I think I've been clinging onto a dream that he would try to be a good dad, which is just dumb. He's an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him pull the bailing on her/calling later when he's sober with the "i love you's".
It broke my heart when he did it to me.
Where's daddy? Is daddy going to come pick me up today? Why didn't daddy come see me today? Can I call him to say goodnight? And he doesn't answer half the time. So we read an extra book those nights and snuggle a little longer before I put her to bed.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
Doing things this way frees me from the anger and resentment. Also the not drinking and driving and the treating dd well are actually more boundaries for me than expectations. If he breaches either of those, it won't be a matter of him doing anything, it will be me taking measures to protect dd.
Thank you for your input. This is helpful!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Originally Posted by BodkinVanHorn 
Thank you. I got a lawyer's number from a friend, going to consult or get a recommendation to get some advice about establishing custody with set clear visitation.
I think I've been clinging onto a dream that he would try to be a good dad, which is just dumb. He's an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him pull the bailing on her/calling later when he's sober with the "i love you's".
It broke my heart when he did it to me.
Where's daddy? Is daddy going to come pick me up today? Why didn't daddy come see me today? Can I call him to say goodnight? And he doesn't answer half the time. So we read an extra book those nights and snuggle a little longer before I put her to bed.
I think I've been clinging onto a dream that he would try to be a good dad, which is just dumb. He's an alcoholic. It breaks my heart to see him pull the bailing on her/calling later when he's sober with the "i love you's".
It broke my heart when he did it to me.
Where's daddy? Is daddy going to come pick me up today? Why didn't daddy come see me today? Can I call him to say goodnight? And he doesn't answer half the time. So we read an extra book those nights and snuggle a little longer before I put her to bed.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
How old is your daughter, Bodkin? Also, on the resentment/anger thing, I should have said that I do still struggle with anger & resentment. I have days that are better or worse than others. I just don't have any new anger or resentments surrounding his coparenting since I have no expectations. I'm still working on the old resentments.
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Hi Bodkin, when mine were little and their Dad did something to disappoint them, I would tell them that he loves them but sometimes he's weak (it was around him being controlled by his new wife), and that's just part of his character, but there are lots of good things about him as well.
I know it's not that applicable to you, but it may go a bit smoother for your daughter if you can portray him as loving but unreliable. It's different from putting him down, more just establishing it as part of his character so she won't get her expectations too high. Maybe when she's older you can explain about addiction and how it affects people.
It must have been a shock hearing what the teacher said, and having this load put onto you. I feel pretty angry on your behalf because he's taking advantage of the fact that you are always going to be there for her.
I know it's not that applicable to you, but it may go a bit smoother for your daughter if you can portray him as loving but unreliable. It's different from putting him down, more just establishing it as part of his character so she won't get her expectations too high. Maybe when she's older you can explain about addiction and how it affects people.
It must have been a shock hearing what the teacher said, and having this load put onto you. I feel pretty angry on your behalf because he's taking advantage of the fact that you are always going to be there for her.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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Ask the teacher to send that statement to you in an email. You will need it later.
Supervised visitation is completely within reason. It's not acceptable for parents to drink and drive with their kids in the car. It's not acceptable for parents to watch be in charge of minor children when they are loaded.
Start setting up your life so you don't need him when your usual failsafes don't work. He's not okay to babysit, he's not okay to drive. Stop acting like he is.
When I did these things for my kids, their world got steadier.
Supervised visitation is completely within reason. It's not acceptable for parents to drink and drive with their kids in the car. It's not acceptable for parents to watch be in charge of minor children when they are loaded.
Start setting up your life so you don't need him when your usual failsafes don't work. He's not okay to babysit, he's not okay to drive. Stop acting like he is.
When I did these things for my kids, their world got steadier.
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