formyboys

I usually check the forum when I am feeling at a loss, hoping that others experience will keep me in touch with my strong side, well the strong side that was "tore down" by an A...and that I am actively building back up piece by piece.

It seems that we are left to rebuild that side alone ...which I think is the only way it will hold. A lot of us are left with some pretty tuff "strong sides". I know Ive built a wall around myself that I don't think anyone will be able to penetrate again. Although I feel like Ive come through the worst part of it, I don't think I could survive another betrayal.

Our son turned 17 last week..hes a typical teenager who when trying to get his way will lie. I had a huge reaction to it last week, took it so personally and explained to him that all the lying was just not ok with me. I had to be able to trust him and how could I do that if he lied to me. I got pretty emotional and said "look, ive had years of lies from people I trusted and I just cant live like that anymore..I have to be able to trust someone and I want to be able to trust you". I felt bad for getting so personal with him...I try really hard not to have an agenda with him or let any of my issues that I have because of his Dad come out. When it does I beat my self up. I don't want him looking back when hes older and thinking man my mom was just a nut case after her and my dad split up.

Im always thinking I should be having a relationship so that he can see that I have moved on and am a healthy person but really I don't feel like I need one. He is always telling me that I am a pretty woman and I should be going out and meeting someone...but then when we are out and a man even accidentally looks my way he has a melt down and gets really rude. *sigh*..I guess there is damage all the way around.

his relationship with his father has settled into a once every couple of months (read..when he wants his Christmas, bday guilt money) contact usually by text every so often by phone, kind of thing. I have finally learned to stay out of it. Honestly I have faced that I was sometimes using our son as contact between us and have stopped doing that. We are never going to co parent, and really never have. I miss having that one person who gets when your kid does something so amazing and funny and they are the only other person on this earth who appreciates it..cus our kids are only that amazing to us..lol He (the XRAH) use to say all the time that he missed him and would ask me about him but it seems that he has settled into not really knowing anything that goes on in his life. S17 has his first serious girlfriend right now and his older brother and I tease him mercilessly as is our family motto (lol) When things like that are happening I think about him and what he is missing. About how much it really sucks raising kids on your own.

But I see that I am moving through the process...after being stuck for sooooo long. at least there is movement now. Do we just carry a piece of them with us forever when we love an alcoholic? 10 years from now am I going to be thinking of him when things happen? When our son gives us our first grandchild will I still be thinking look what he is missing?

Its sad....that even sober, they sometimes still withdraw themselves from life.

anyways...just a rambling thought process from a battered but healing woman who knows nothing other then the fact that Im getting there.
peace.

CodeJob

Formyboys,

I have always had a wall so I understand that. But is this why we are here - to live behind a wall, cut off from the opportunity to have a relationship again? You are healing. Indeed you have been deeply betrayed. At this moment you are not ready. But in your prayers to your HP for your recovery, include FULL recovery - the strength to risk it again for love.

You have said a lot of other powerful things here. This is a beautiful and thoughtful post. I have to work this morning, but thank you for giving me so much to think about with my own situation raising a boy...

formyboys

thanks Code...sometimes I think I can totally relate to an A, my thought process feels so screwed up.

boys are tough...even tougher when they don't have a male role model to learn from. Im really hesitant to add anyone to the mix. He is so insecure and its obvious that he feels I am the only stable thing in his life right now. He is desperately trying to find a girlfriend..its heartbreaking to watch, he come across as so desperate and will tolerate anything. I know I have to let him work that stuff out on his own but its hard to watch..

AnvilheadII

boys aren't tough....they have been trained to BE tough, told that's what men do...closing up so they don't show their feelings.

talk to him. play video games with him, whatever HE is in to.....be there FOR him to talk to, share with......talk to him as you wish he would you....common ground.

CodeJob

Formyboys, you are a bit ahead of me as mine is not quite 13. I don't think my H has a lot of positive experience to provide about the teen years. He was already drinking I bet and I don't think he had any girlfriends in the traditional sense. It seems most of the kids travel in packs and did not have a first 1:1 until senior year or college around here. That is odd to me but I hope that is what happens for him. It takes the pressure off high school.

FB, sexting, agh ! I am future tripping!

Do you watch "Parenthood"? I am intrigued by Drew's story line as college relationships are weird now too...

Anyway, get all the Rocky movies and have a boys fight night. Roller coasters? Shooting hoop. Bike rides. Walking dogs. I wish you luck and patience and laughter!

Praying

Thanks for sharing this, formyboys. I totally share your feelings.

I have two boys that I'm raising alone. Have been officially for a couple of years now. AXH Dad is remarried, lost in his new life and addiction. I'm continually surprised (and don't know why) at his lack of concern with their lives.

S14 has changed so much in the last year. Lanky, voice changing, features sharpening, and lots of adult conversations and thoughts. I can't believe AXH is fine missing it all...until I remind myself that he's not real. Not like the dads I see in my neighborhood.

My boys tell me continually that I'm being selfish by not getting married again right away. What?!? They actually attacked me with that one day and were very angry.

They want a dad and want me to get them one. That breaks my heart. They are also afraid I'll never be happy because "you can't be happy if you aren't married". Sweet...

...but they need to learn that other people can't create your happiness...and we all need to enjoy ourselves...and when you don't "need" to fill a void, the person will eventually come (though I may never want it)...and that there are a LOT of undesirable men I could bring into their lives...and that, even though it may not seem like it since I cry and am sad a lot...I'm SOOO much happier than I was with AXH. Most of the sadness and angst is just the processing of years of repressed feelings coupled with acceptance of the loss of a shared past and future dream, and with recognizing what I accepted all those years.

I'm so scared that they never saw a man treat me the way they should treat a woman. But I'm not going to go grab one just for that lesson. Church, friends, and other examples will have to suffice.

I play xbox, I fix the car, I teach them home improvement, I make them do laundry, I teach them to cry, I talk to them about hopes, dreams, and girls. And every day I mourn their father's glaring absence in their lives. I could be a superhero and that void will always be there. It is one of their burdens to handle in life. I imagine I'll probably sit at their weddings (if they even trust enough to do that) and still mourn their father. Having kids in general, but especially boys, really exacerbates that loss. I feel it. I think I always will.

I'm feeling like I need at least another decade to be alone before ever imagining letting someone really enter my life. Call me a slow healer...but right now I'm raising my kids in a relatively stable world, and I'm learning to stretch my arms and love myself in an abuse-free addiction-free environment after two decades. Why would I ever want to mess that up?

PippiLngstockng

I just have to think of my xah as not there any more. When I see him briefly, I don't recognize him. I don't think about him if there's no need and I don't think about what he is missing because that shadow of his former self - zombie.

Mine too, they want me to hustle them up a 'real father'. I find instead I have crushes on men in my life that I have no cause to act on because they are just guys to work out with. A father to my four angels? I can't imagine how one would just pop up and be the right fellow.

I am sorry for my babies that their dad has turned into a zombie. I just have to do what I CAN do, which is be a good Mom. As best as I possibly can be. And love them like crazy.

I have a DS almost 17 and he has lied to me a couple times. DD13 has lied a lot and it pushes my buttons because after xah I can't stand lies.

I have to keep doing what I can to express my feelings, look them in the eyes, discipline and love and pray and stick to my principles.

And pray and pray and pray.

Courage!!!

formyboys

Code I love that show..have watched from the beginning

Anvil by tough I meant difficult...at times. I have raised my boys to know it is ok to cry when you are upset. Actually XRAH was really sensitive and a crier. It was one of the things that originally drew me to him. Now I look back and think, well, he WAS drunk most of the time....every one is emotional when they are drunk :/

I have always been pretty close to all of my boys and we have been able to talk about anything. Of course at the moment Im closer to younger son as the 2 older were out of the house by the time fit really hit the shan....we went through a lot together. Not that I leaned on him or involved him in the drama but he def saw me in moments when I was having a hard time.

This is the first time in my life that I have been single like this. Its been 2.5 years.....all the woman in my family are single and live alone, my mother all my sisters. Its some kind of family thing I guess..lol I never thought it would be me but really the thought of getting to know someone else, going through all that new crap just sounds so unappealing to me. I thought with time it would go away but when I married XRAH I took my vows so serious. In my head that was it for me for life. I don't feel like bringing someone else into my kids lives would benefit anyone. They all 3 think I have horrible taste in men and don't trust my judgment in that area. that feels horrible.

I really hate alcohol. it is the devil.

another rambler..lol but im pretty sleep deprived right now so there is that.

JustAGirl1971

My divorce is barely filed and I'm only in the beginning stages, but I also find the prospect of dating unappealing. Honestly, I have no real experience with it since my last date was in high school... before I met STBXAH 25 years ago.

There are a lot of long-term single women in my family, too. It seems like most of the women in my immediate family are either unhappily married to As, or single long-term. Honestly, not joking on that one! It's a bit scary because I don't want to be single for the rest of my life! But, I try not to focus on that and instead keep working on me. I am hoping that if I become healthier, stronger, more self-assured and confident, that when I am ready to date again, I will attract healthier men. In the mean time, I will just focus on me and my children. I think this is an area where counseling can really help,

On this: I am guessing there will be a certain bittersweetness to it? I can't imagine not having any feelings for my X. We spent the vast majority of our lives together... I do love him and can't imagine not caring about him. I am just hoping that it will be along the same way that we look back on the better parts of our childhoods? Some longing, some sadness and regret, thankfulness for the good times, but no desire to repeat it

lillamy

I'm remarried. My husband is a better parent than I am. He was a single dad for 15 years.

I wish I could tell you that solves the problem. It solves some problems, but not all of them. And it creates new ones.

Because while my kids accept him and like him as a person, they don't accept him as a parent when it comes to having input on decisions made about them. I'm right now ready to throw in the towel and run away to the Galapagos Islands to live with whatever birds it is they have there. Because instead of being the proverbial "it" and being the only adult making decisions and dealing with problems, I find myself caught between a caring, loving, reasonable adult having opinions on one side, and a couple of ornery teenagers on the other side. Everyone expecting me to Do The Thing That Makes It Better.

The emotional support a good man provides has saved my sanity. I admit that. These kids would have made me their house slave (I would have let them) if he hadn't put his foot down. Said things like "Your mother needs you to leave her alone so she can rest" and "You can walk to the store, it's only 1/2 a mile" and "No, you can't have four friends here for a sleepover this weekend because it's too disruptive to the family." He sets boundaries -- and helps me set boundaries -- that I would be too exhausted to do on my own. I think it's a combination of having a hard time setting firm boundaries because I try to make up for their father, and them realizing that's the case and taking advantage of it. With two adults standing together, they may be just as irritated -- but they realize they're up against a wall that won't budge.

I would not have gone looking for a man after my divorce. This one sort of fell into my lap. And a good thing it was. But I don't think you need to go looking for a "new father" just to do it, kwim? The kids and I had a few years of healing before I remarried. We needed that. Kids can have male role models that aren't living with them. I've seen amazing things in Big Brother/Big Sister, and also in completely random relationships (like a friend of mine whose son befriended a retired shop teacher next door and asked him if he could help him build a container to keep his sports stuff in... they now go out to breakfast on Saturday mornings and just talk about Man Stuff...)

formyboys

im just going to add this to this thread instead of starting a new post, it seems to fit ..

I am at a loss....Im in tears while I write this, im so frustrated and tired. If any of you have followed my post you know my 17 yr old son has struggled with all of this. From the time his D and I separated because of his drinking, through finding out his D was involved with another woman, and being put really low on his Ds priority list because of that, to eventually just being left out of his Ds life.

Before we moved to be closer to my family he was acting out, punching holes in my walls, getting mixed up with drugs. We went through a chemical dependency program (which his D never attended) but he still struggled. Therapy has never seemed to help with him. He has kept a lot inside.

Since our move the anger seems to have gotten a lot better. There has only been one situation where he got upset enough to punch a wall but that is a significant improvement. But the lying..and the complete lack of respect for me...I just cant take it anymore. He seems to have absolutely no regard for my feelings. I get that hes a teenager and they are selfish. But for the love of god, can he just give me a break??!!

Every day its something. If I give him money for something he has to pay for at school he spends it. Money is tight. I work 2 jobs and kill myself to get him what he needs. He has no sense of "oh look how hard my mom works..." He lies to get what he wants, I have gotten to the point where I just cant believe anything he says. I hate that.

None of this goes without consequences..its not like I let him get away with it. But even my Uncle who has tried to help with him says there is just no learning curve with him...nothing I do or say seems to matter. He will feel remorse..and apologize but then just do it again. I hate not having the back up...doing this all alone. It sucks.

And my reaction is so personal. Im so tired of being that person who no one has any respect for. What is it about me? Im not a push over at all. My older son will tell you that I don't let my kids get away with crap..im not that mom who makes excuses for my kids to get them out of situations. You deal with the consequences...you figure out how to make it right. im just so tired. What was it about me that let my XRAH treat my with a total lack of respect for my feelings. To let me just walk in on him in our bed with another person, I feel like Im surrounded by people that just have no respect for me my whole life.

Ok...pity party over. I need to do some reading and think about what I do to contribute to this. I need to turn this around. Im not going out like this!!

BodkinVanHorn

Hugs to you, formyboys! You're gonna get through it. Keep breathing.

HealingWillCome

Is your son in any kind of counseling or therapy? Al-Anon? Alateen? While you are a hard-working, loving mom, he has essentially been abandoned by his dad. Underneath all that anger and disrespect there has got to be a tremendous amount of pain from a wound that probably needs a tremendous amount of healing.

My kids were left by their dad, too, for alcohol and another woman. Their anger for him often gets transferred to me. I'm the easy scapegoat...it's easier to hate me and take it out on me because I'm the solid rock in their lives. They know I'm not going anywhere. But it hurts to be the target.

Hugs to you. Stay strong. I would encourage you to seek some counseling for your son. It has helped my kids to sort things out. It has given them a voice with someone objective who will listen, not judge, have compassion, help them to sort out the truth of their dad's choices, and not blame themselves for something they had no control over. It has built their self-esteem and I truly believe it has saved the life of one of my children.

Thinking of you, formyboys. Hang in there.

JustAGirl1971

I second the counseling. I'd highly recommend someone who specializes in addictions. My kids see a counselor who specializes in addictions and he has really helped them with acceptance. Counseling is just non-negotiable in our house. My dd has agreed to try alateen but not my ds but it's a good option, too, as it's ran by the teens.

I'm sorry you're struggling, formyboys. If it's any consolation, I am in a similar spot with my ds. No alcohol or drugs but he has a lot of rage, high expectations of me (learned from me), and acts disrespectfully towards me. I just keep reminding myself that (1) he learned those things in our household, and (2) just like it takes time for me to change my behaviors, so too, will it him. As they say in alanon: we didn't get here overnight, we shouldn't expect to fix it overnight. I'm just focusing all that harder on my recovery, hoping it will be an example for him and help him choose recovery, too... all while trying not to have expectations that it will work that way :/

Hugs, formyboys.

Praying

I just thought I'd send some hugs your way. I'm sitting in the same boat right now...waiting for that sun to come out... and hoping I'm willing to grab the oars.

formyboys

thanks guys...ive calmed down but am still so disappointed and deciding how im going to handle the whole thing. I had a talk with him and told him he is 17 now..when you do something that is wrong you are old enough to figure out on your own how to make it right..you need to do this. Its not my place to be worrying and thinking about how you should make this right, its your job.

Im giving him until this weekend and if there is nothing done, im going to take his favorite playstation game and sell it without telling him, to pay back the money that he basically took. When he asks where his game is I will tell him I took it and sold it to repay the money.

He most definitely will not be happy.