Advice for noobs on picking out a sponsor
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Advice for noobs on picking out a sponsor
AAnoob here, 30+ days of sobriety...
I got a sponsor in my first week. This guy came up to me in my first week asking me if I need a sponsor. He seems like a nice guy, so I said 'sure, why not...'
but once I got to know him more, he didn't seem like a good fit for me....
was not that open with his alcohol/life history and don't really have his life together after 5 years of sobriety. (and no offense here, I felt like he was too much of a BigBook bible thumper for me)
Yesterday, I found this article giving some advice on picking out a sponsor.
AA Sponsor - What Do They Do Exactly?
Seems like some sound advice in there.
If you got other advice for noobs looking a sponsor, post them up....
I got a sponsor in my first week. This guy came up to me in my first week asking me if I need a sponsor. He seems like a nice guy, so I said 'sure, why not...'
but once I got to know him more, he didn't seem like a good fit for me....
was not that open with his alcohol/life history and don't really have his life together after 5 years of sobriety. (and no offense here, I felt like he was too much of a BigBook bible thumper for me)
Yesterday, I found this article giving some advice on picking out a sponsor.
AA Sponsor - What Do They Do Exactly?
Seems like some sound advice in there.
If you got other advice for noobs looking a sponsor, post them up....
You have to choose your AA sponsor wisely though as they become a very influential figure in your life, and a crutch in time of your greatest need. Sponsors are at liberty to tell you that they cannot help if they have urgent business elsewhere.
However, they have a moral duty to put you in contact with another reliable person if you are facing a crisis and a possible alcoholism relapse and they cannot support you at that time.
An AA Sponsor is not a Doormat
A person has the right to decline a sponsorship and this would be wise if the sponsor thinks that you would not be compatible.
However often people who are complete opposites to you make the best sponsors as they have a different outlook and can share their insights with you in order for you to see things from a different perspective.
It makes sense for many reasons though to choose an AA sponsor with the same socio-economic background and educational level as you.
It is hard enough being an alcoholic who struggles to get through another day without a drink; you don’t want a sponsor who might ‘drive you to drink’ because you do not see eye to eye on some important issues.
Sponsorship is Not a Two-Way Street
A sponsor has to be your best buddy who will be there for you when the going gets tough. If the sponsor is having a bad time he/she should not unburden themselves onto you however, but should seek out their own personal sponsor, and this should be something that you accept.
Sponsorship is a one-way street.
Your sponsor will help you and not wish you to help him/her as then you may not wish to be sponsored by them any more if you see their weakness.
You need an AA sponsor to be a tower of strength so should not think that they will unburden themselves to you as you can freely do with them. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
In fact, AA is about faith and common sense, which is why, perhaps, that it has been able to provide support for so many alcoholics and their families around the world.
How to Ask an AA Member to Sponsor you
My advice to you is to attend a number of meetings and just watch the members sharing. Focus on those who seem to be living good lives and are content in themselves. If they have what you want, chances are that they will make a good sponsor.
There is no mad rush to find a sponsor, obviously if you keep putting it off that is not good. However, do be sure of the person that you choose, ultimately they are going to help you stay sober so choosing well is important.
If after a bit of time you feel that you made the wrong choice then by all means find someone else. It's your life and it's your sobriety. Don't compromise it because you don't want to hurt the feelings of your sponsor
It can seem like the hardest thing in the world to ask an AA member to take you on as a sponsor.
'What if they say no?' is a common barrier to asking somebody. So what if they say no, it's no reflection on you. There could be a thousand reasons as to why they refuse. Don't mull over it look for somebody else.
And remember always go for someone whose recovery inspires you.
However, they have a moral duty to put you in contact with another reliable person if you are facing a crisis and a possible alcoholism relapse and they cannot support you at that time.
An AA Sponsor is not a Doormat
A person has the right to decline a sponsorship and this would be wise if the sponsor thinks that you would not be compatible.
However often people who are complete opposites to you make the best sponsors as they have a different outlook and can share their insights with you in order for you to see things from a different perspective.
It makes sense for many reasons though to choose an AA sponsor with the same socio-economic background and educational level as you.
It is hard enough being an alcoholic who struggles to get through another day without a drink; you don’t want a sponsor who might ‘drive you to drink’ because you do not see eye to eye on some important issues.
Sponsorship is Not a Two-Way Street
A sponsor has to be your best buddy who will be there for you when the going gets tough. If the sponsor is having a bad time he/she should not unburden themselves onto you however, but should seek out their own personal sponsor, and this should be something that you accept.
Sponsorship is a one-way street.
Your sponsor will help you and not wish you to help him/her as then you may not wish to be sponsored by them any more if you see their weakness.
You need an AA sponsor to be a tower of strength so should not think that they will unburden themselves to you as you can freely do with them. It makes a lot of sense if you think about it.
In fact, AA is about faith and common sense, which is why, perhaps, that it has been able to provide support for so many alcoholics and their families around the world.
How to Ask an AA Member to Sponsor you
My advice to you is to attend a number of meetings and just watch the members sharing. Focus on those who seem to be living good lives and are content in themselves. If they have what you want, chances are that they will make a good sponsor.
There is no mad rush to find a sponsor, obviously if you keep putting it off that is not good. However, do be sure of the person that you choose, ultimately they are going to help you stay sober so choosing well is important.
If after a bit of time you feel that you made the wrong choice then by all means find someone else. It's your life and it's your sobriety. Don't compromise it because you don't want to hurt the feelings of your sponsor
It can seem like the hardest thing in the world to ask an AA member to take you on as a sponsor.
'What if they say no?' is a common barrier to asking somebody. So what if they say no, it's no reflection on you. There could be a thousand reasons as to why they refuse. Don't mull over it look for somebody else.
And remember always go for someone whose recovery inspires you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 82
I was told in treatment to listen to what the people said at meetings and to pick a "grizzled veteran" who had a lot of time in sobriety and who had the things in their life that I wanted in mine. Of course, I didn't follow that advice the first time around. I picked someone who still had tremendous issues of their own that they were dealing with even though that person hadn't had a drink for almost 20 years. He still hasn't drank, but he just wasn't a good fit. I picked him because he intimidated me and I thought that would be good for me. Wrong, lol. The sponsor I have today has almost thirty years of sobriety and has walked through some very tough personal times with grace and dignity. He still attends 4 or 5 meetings a week and I talk to him daily. My view is that there is a good sponsor out there for everyone, and if you find that you don't have a good match try someone else. My sponsor has four of us as sponsees, and we all meet weekly to go over our our weeks and one of us brings another reading or program on recovery for discussion. It works well for me. Its amazing how when I pick up the phone and tell him I'm having trouble how much it helps. The phone used to weigh a thousand pounds. Now I call when he says to and I'm honest with him about what I'm feeling and what is going on. He is invaluable to me if I use him. When I didn't use him or take any of the other actions I needed to, I would crash back inside my head pretty quick. I much prefer this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Also, I have been seeing a therapist for quite a while.
so it is hard for me to buy into the whole sponsor thing, because the sponsors are put in the role of a therapist without really any training.
I am starting to think that I don't really need a sponsor and just the meetings will suffice...
so it is hard for me to buy into the whole sponsor thing, because the sponsors are put in the role of a therapist without really any training.
I am starting to think that I don't really need a sponsor and just the meetings will suffice...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm not in AA but I think it's a misapprehension to equate 'sponsor' with 'therapist', AAnoob.
Have you posted about this in the 12 step forum at all?
D
Have you posted about this in the 12 step forum at all?
D
If ur not in AA, what r u in?
have you done the steps with a sponsor?
do you have experience with a therapist?
I think my statements hit the nail right on the head.
In fact, some of the people in my meetings have expressed distain for therapists/meds and believe that the 12 step is the miracle solution to all their life problems.
I am on step 1 with my current sponsor, but I gonna have to tell him that he is not what I am looking for.
And I didn't post this in the 12 step forum.
maybe it will have more interesting responses there...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Originally Posted by AAnoob
If ur not in AA, what r u in?
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Sponsors aren't supposed to be therapists. Your sponsor will walk you through the steps and then teach you to apply them to your everyday life. It is really cool actually.
I waited 30 days and hit as many meetings as i could so I could listen to different people speak. I looked for someone who had done the steps, seemed to have it together and honestly, wasn't religious, that was my preference. It had worked great and she had been my sponsor for over a year now.
Also,,I haven't had anyone show disdain for meds or therapy in my meetings. Many have discussed that they did the steps and sought outside help and the Big Book says that is fine as well. You will run into some hard core people that don't believe in it, but you would run into those types of folks anywhere.
Good luck finding a sponsor!
I waited 30 days and hit as many meetings as i could so I could listen to different people speak. I looked for someone who had done the steps, seemed to have it together and honestly, wasn't religious, that was my preference. It had worked great and she had been my sponsor for over a year now.
Also,,I haven't had anyone show disdain for meds or therapy in my meetings. Many have discussed that they did the steps and sought outside help and the Big Book says that is fine as well. You will run into some hard core people that don't believe in it, but you would run into those types of folks anywhere.
Good luck finding a sponsor!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
And remember always go for someone whose recovery inspires you.
Personally though I don't have a sponsor or attend AA, I'm not "in" anything either.
I'm in Sobriety 1 day at a time with SR as support!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
If ur not in AA, what r u in?
have you done the steps with a sponsor?
do you have experience with a therapist?
have you done the steps with a sponsor?
do you have experience with a therapist?
I'm a member of SR Noob.
That's the only qualification anyone needs to post here.
I'm also a moderator. That gives me licence to try and help direct people to places where I think they'll get the most help.
And I learn a little bit about everything from reading about 1000 + posts a day
Doesn't mean you have to agree with me...but I'm just trying to help, Noob.
I still say if you're looking from therapy from someones who's not a trained therapist, then you'll probably get what you pay for
D
Sober Today
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 779
Originally Posted by Tamerua
Sponsors aren't supposed to be therapists. Your sponsor will walk you through the steps and then teach you to apply them to your everyday life. It is really cool actually.
I have a sponsor who I love so far. I could never do it permanently without AA and a sponsor as I have to change who I am and my thinking or I will just go back to my same old ways. That is just me. Everyone is different.
Good luck to all!
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
When choosing a sponsor it is good to find someone that you click with. You also want someone who will be honest with you, not just tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes they can be the person you would least expect.
I think it is also very important to sit down with them and discuss what their expectations are and what yours are. That way both parties are on the same page and there are no surprises later on. There are things a sponsor can do for you and things they can't. Best to get that out on the table in the beginning.
I think it is also very important to sit down with them and discuss what their expectations are and what yours are. That way both parties are on the same page and there are no surprises later on. There are things a sponsor can do for you and things they can't. Best to get that out on the table in the beginning.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Minneapolis, MN, USA
Posts: 164
Sponsorship will have a huge impact on you experience in AA, good or bad. For me the most important things were respect and motivation- do I really respect what this person has accomplished, and what are their motivations for accepting this great responsibility. If you don't have good gut level feelings about either one, it might not be a good fit. Do not surrender your judgement, no matter what people say, about who you choose for this important decision in your early sobriety.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Dee74
If I'da known this was an interview I would have combed my hair
D
D
Speaking of messy hair what happened to Oscar???? You are totally throwing me off with your avatar pic!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
The link below from the actual AA site is informative on sponsorship questions you may have. Welcome to SR as well.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Alcoholics Anonymous : Pamphlets
Linked with the permission of Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.
Last edited by Dee74; 03-13-2014 at 02:57 PM. Reason: copyright AAWS requirements
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ON
Posts: 766
Twelve Steps of Sponsorship
1.I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
2.I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3.I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
4.I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up” simply because I cannot.
5.I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6.I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7.I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8.I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9.I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10.When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.
11.You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and “hang in there” with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12.If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
1.I will not help you to stay and wallow in limbo.
2.I will help you to grow, to become more productive, by your definition.
3.I will help you become more autonomous, more loving of yourself, more excited, less sensitive, more free to become the authority for your own living.
4.I cannot give you dreams or “fix you up” simply because I cannot.
5.I cannot give you growth, or grow for you. You must grow for yourself by facing reality, grim as it may be at times.
6.I cannot take away your loneliness or your pain.
7.I cannot sense your world for you, evaluate your goals for you, tell you what is best for your world; because you have your own world in which you must live.
8.I cannot convince you of the necessity to make the vital decision of choosing the frightening uncertainty of growing over the safe misery of remaining static.
9.I want to be with you and know you as a rich and growing friend; yet I cannot get close to you when you choose not to grow.
10.When I begin to care for you out of pity or when I begin to lose faith in you, then I am inhibiting both for you and for me.
11.You must know and understand my help is conditional. I will be with you and “hang in there” with you so long as I continue to get even the slightest hint that you are still trying to grow.
12.If you can accept this, then perhaps we can help each other to become what God meant us to be, mature adults, leaving childishness forever to the little children of the world.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 100
Thanks Dee and everyone else for the response.
I wasn't trying to grill you, just curious about where you are coming from.
:-)
Often times, opinions are much more meaningful if I know where that person is coming from. IMO, that is why forums are not an effective way in terms of offering 'real' support.
And I am definitely not expecting therapy from a sponsor. I have enough experience with therapy to know better.
I am just leery of sponsors trying to act like therapists.
The fact that AA 'sponsor' pamphlet makes mention of this, supports my point that sponsors out there can easily or unintentionally fall into that role. (and do a horrible job at it, misguiding or frustrating his sponsee.)
"The AA sponsor does not offer professional services
such as those provided by counselors"
"Experienced sponsors are careful not to set themselves up as
substitutes for doctors in dealing with any phase
of alcoholism."
As I mentioned before, my main problem is actually my depression. And a real headache is when sharing my problems with friends (or in this case my current sponsor), some of them, instead of listening, they love to give me advice or play the role of the "fixer". This is pretty much opposite of what depression suffers want.
Doesn't mean you have to agree with me...but I'm just trying to help, Noob.
I still say if you're looking from therapy from someones who's not a trained therapist, then you'll probably get what you pay for
D
I wasn't trying to grill you, just curious about where you are coming from.
:-)
Often times, opinions are much more meaningful if I know where that person is coming from. IMO, that is why forums are not an effective way in terms of offering 'real' support.
And I am definitely not expecting therapy from a sponsor. I have enough experience with therapy to know better.
I am just leery of sponsors trying to act like therapists.
The fact that AA 'sponsor' pamphlet makes mention of this, supports my point that sponsors out there can easily or unintentionally fall into that role. (and do a horrible job at it, misguiding or frustrating his sponsee.)
"The AA sponsor does not offer professional services
such as those provided by counselors"
"Experienced sponsors are careful not to set themselves up as
substitutes for doctors in dealing with any phase
of alcoholism."
As I mentioned before, my main problem is actually my depression. And a real headache is when sharing my problems with friends (or in this case my current sponsor), some of them, instead of listening, they love to give me advice or play the role of the "fixer". This is pretty much opposite of what depression suffers want.
Originally Posted by Dee74
Doesn't mean you have to agree with me...but I'm just trying to help, Noob.
I still say if you're looking from therapy from someones who's not a trained therapist, then you'll probably get what you pay for
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
AAnoob,
IMO, you couldn't be more wrong about getting support on a forum like this one. If you take the time to read the posts from the members, you do get to know them very well. People share a lot of personal stuff on SR. No offense intended, but I think you are being a little judgmental without really giving it a try. I draw from every resource I can to stay sober. I also go to AA meetings, and read a lot on Rational Recovery. Each one offers something different that I can use to stay sober. I wouldn't close the door on anything that might help me, including therapy. As far as AA is concerned, if you go to enough meetings, you will find all types of people, some friendly, some not. Some are BB thumpers, others more layed back. Eventually, you will find the people that you are comfortable with. I would suggest you try to keep an open mind to anything that might help you. Good luck and keep posting!!!!!
IMO, you couldn't be more wrong about getting support on a forum like this one. If you take the time to read the posts from the members, you do get to know them very well. People share a lot of personal stuff on SR. No offense intended, but I think you are being a little judgmental without really giving it a try. I draw from every resource I can to stay sober. I also go to AA meetings, and read a lot on Rational Recovery. Each one offers something different that I can use to stay sober. I wouldn't close the door on anything that might help me, including therapy. As far as AA is concerned, if you go to enough meetings, you will find all types of people, some friendly, some not. Some are BB thumpers, others more layed back. Eventually, you will find the people that you are comfortable with. I would suggest you try to keep an open mind to anything that might help you. Good luck and keep posting!!!!!
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