hollypeno

Why can't they see it? I was forced out of my role as wife because l was fighting for his life and our marriage. I thought both were worth saving, alcoholism be damned...

Well, l lost. And his enabling family has the gall to be angry at me? They think l caused this. They think l'm to blame.

Why can't they see it? Why can't they see that his disease is controlling them too?

I don't deserve their anger. I don't deserve to be hurt anymore.

Mellybug

No, you don't deserve it - but that doesn't change the fact that there it is.

It is more common than you think to have the families blame you. A's are skilled liars and manipulators, and they will say/do whatever is necessary to continue to do what it is that they do.

I'm sorry that you're one of the many people that this happens to. You didn't cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. As long as an A wants to drink, they will drink, and they won't let ANYONE or ANYTHING stand in the way of their drinking.

Remember, his family didn't live with it day in and day out like you did. YOU know the truth of the situation. It sucks, and it's hard and it hurts...but if that's how they see things there isn't a darn thing you can say or do to change their minds. So, hold your head up.

At this point I'll say that Al Anon helped me a TON with my OWN recovery. If you haven't looked into it, perhaps now would be a good time to?

Hugs to you...

hollypeno

Thanks, Mellybug. You said what l needed to hear, so to speak. I'm a regular Al-Anon, and l understand why they're reacting as they are. Most of the time, l don't let it bother me, but today was one of the times when it did. These people were my family too, or so l thought. It hurts to be on the receiving end of irrational anger from sober people...

Again, thank you!!

Mellybug

I don't understand why family can't accept the A's as the ones with the problem. I mean, to us it's so painfully OBVIOUS! I have to remind myself that when it comes to blood, "outsiders" will always lose. A mother would usually prefer to blame someone else than think their "baby" would do anything so horrible. My XABF's mother would tell me over and over how she doesn't condone how awful her son was to me, but then give him her methadone or other pills when he was visiting...or coddle him. She will ALWAYS be her "Baby Boy" and she will always bend over backwards to do anything to help him. You will just never be able to compete with that.

Seren

Hello hollypeno, Welcome!

You are so right, you don't deserve their anger or the pain of being blamed by people you have cared about...alcoholism affects everyone in the family, sadly.

Please take good care of yourself and know that this is not your fault.

dandylion

hollypeno.......at first you thought you could control him......and, now, they think you could control him......

Truth is the alcohol controls him......and, only he can get the alcohol under control (by abstainence).

Mellybug is right...it is the often told story... Sigh!

dandylion

TalenCrowhaven

I think sometimes there are issues with extended families also being upset with the spouse of an A vacating their role as the caretaker. It can change the whole family dynamic and upsets the applecart.

The fed-up spouse who moves on because they are working their own program and getting well, leaves the extended family to become the caretaker, counselor, bank, etc. I personally know of extended family members in my own situation, who have refused to educate themselves on addiction or attend Al Anon. So, the drama goes on.

Godismyrock

Hey Holly

Check out this thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ds-stay-w.html

CodeJob

We need snarky Al Anon Christmas cards. Maybe a tree tipped over and mauled with broken stemware dangling like icicles? Or maybe Santa sneaking into a meeting? Then a cutesy little rhyme about the power of the three C's spreading the truth of alcoholism this Christmas and into the New Year.