hopeful4

So...just busted my AH. I could tell from our bank account he has went and got one of those big nasty beers. I called him, he lied of course. However...like always, he fessed up. For any that don't know, he takes three prescribed Xanax a day, so drinking for him is not allowable. And...he is on probation.

Here is where my challenge came in. I always speak w/him before I allow him to pick up my kids. I can tell he has been drinking so I called him and said DO NOT pick up my daughter and of course it was "Why Not, etc." I basically said shut up, I already know so don't bother. I said if you do pick her up I will call the police and your probation officer.

So...yes, here I want to detatch and all of that but had I not called him out on this he would have picked up my little daughter. And...if he gets partial custody, which he will I am assured, I will have no way to know in advance like I just did.

So...help. Guide me.

AnvilheadII

back when my daughter was little and there was always too'ing and fro'ing, shuttling hither and yon, it was IMPERATIVE to me that anyone else who was slated to pick her up and deposit her somewhere was absolutely RELIABLE. which is why my own mother was not on my list!!! since you cannot Trust his state and since HE is not able to maintain a sober state when it's his turn to pick up the children.....

TAKE HIM OFF THE LIST.

if you are truly thinking into the future, and issues like custody, and he's ON probation AND drinking....and you have concerns about him driving with the kids......tell his PO. not to be a bitch, but to protect your kids now and in the future.

slightly OT - but i can't imagine taking 3 xanax a day and doing anything but drool on myself!!! AND drinking? sheesh.

firebolt

I'm so sorry hopeful. (((HUG!)))

MissFixit

You are getting more ammo against him re:drinking. If you have this info documented and people like his p.o. know about these lapses, don't you think there is a way to remove his driving your kids privileges if you guys do split? Even if he gets partial custody or visitation rights, if he is a proven habitual offender, doesn't that change things?

Praying

I'm so sorry Hopeful. Detaching with kids involved is so confusing. In hindsight I wish I had been able to fiercely protect them and go way beyond what seemed reasonable at the time. Because today...that just seems reasonable.

I agree with Anvil and others- if you can, take him off the list, document, do all those things that feel wrong and like overkill. Other than taking your precious energy, it can't hurt?

Sending you hugs today. I'm sorry.

hopeful4

I never ever let him drive them unless I know for sure. Today was an odd day. Needless to say, when I got to aftercare to get her shortly, he is coming off the list and that is that.

He went home and told our older daughter that he had a beer and he is sorry and it was wrong. Ha...it's manipulation b/c he knows I won't lie for him and we had plans tonight he has obviously screwed up.

I am only communicating w/him via text right now so I have it in documentation. Dandylion....he does have extreme anxiety and takes a dose three times a day. He has been on it a long time so he has built up a tolerance. I too would be a blithering mess if I ever took that much.

Thank you for the support. I am almost off work and I dread going home. How sad is that.

involved

I have a friend who had documented concerns when his alcoholic x-wife came to get the kids for her visitation...the court gave him the right to have one of those machines and make her blow to check BAC befor releasing the kids to go with her...fyi

firebolt

Ugg - story of my life on that - I hope you can find time to do something nice for yourself tonight, and to get some peace.

lillamy

That.

There are a few things I regret. One is not calling the cops when AXH violated his restraining order -- repeatedly. It is very, very difficult to report someone you care about to the police, but when it's about your kids... sometimes, it has to be done.

FireSprite

((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry Hopeful. I definitely agree with documenting everything you possibly can, even if it's a matter of just keeping a calendar of the frequency of the alcohol consumption. (Like today: had to pick up DD, AH drinking & unable to..... I'm not suggesting counting his drinks or anything that more than what will be needed or useful in protecting the kids.)

HopefulinFLA

I'm so sorry Hopeful. You did the right thing.

As a parent, I think detachment becomes a luxury you can afford only when the kids are safe. Ugh, so difficult.

53500

Yes! My friend's AGF who has multiple DUI arrests has that interlock device installed in her car for a year. You have to blow into it to get the car to start and at frequent intervals while driving. It works very well and I'm sure it has saved lives in her neck of the woods. She was found once (that I'm aware of) passed out in her RUNNING car at a red light.

If there is a way to force this device into his car that is awesome. He'll hate it but so what.