IamFreeNow14

Oh my god
I`m crying for an hour now...it does not stop.
I`m so sad about everything what happened...
My daughter told me my ex started to play music again
It`s a good thing, but why didn`t he do this before???(he moved out, certainly he would say:" because of you being such a horrible wife...")
I gave him notes for our instruments (I studied music before....like him)
but he refused to play it with me
Why does he do now???
To show me it was all my fault to drink and litter the own life???

The memories fly before my inner eyes...I `m soo sad about everything was happend...

But the most I`m sad about the question:
Why does he feel no debt for have spat on me?
For blaming me, for ignoring me??
Why does he feel no debt about all the cruel words he said to me?
I `m crying for so long and so many days...
He????

Nothing.
He seems to be the happiest man.
No question about me, my son, my daughter

It hurts so much to be banned out of his life
though I should have done this long time ago.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ofelie

Many of us have been through the same, I am so sorry you are hurting right now. My ex used to tell me "I gave up music for you, so I could be with you!" and I always replied, "But I love when you play your guitar!" I never once told him he couldn't, and actually begged him to play a bunch of times but he was always too busy sitting on the deck drinking. I have no idea why he would say he had to give it up, certainly no one in our house stopped him, he just didn't bother playing. So, its not you, its him, ok? I know how it feels to wonder how they can just walk away as if nothing has happened, as if they have not done something terrible to us, feeling no remorse, nothing. Its not normal, its not human, in my opinion. Whether they are sociopaths, or some other form of damaged person, I dunno. To hurt someone, to demean them so badly, and then just waltz off like they did nothing, it really really really sticks in your bones and hurts. I will never understand. I want accountability, I want retribution, I dunno what I want but I know I would feel a whole lot better if he would just stand up and say "Holy fizzoli I was HORRIBLE to you. I am so SORRY." and blah blah blah, but you know what, for me, at least, I am about 98.2% sure its NEVER going to happen and I just have to live with it. It hurts. It hurts worse than anything, and the memory triggers are the worst, and unlike you I was not married to mine, so I can imagine you are hurting even more. I am sorry, honey, but know this...his false honeymoon bachelor days that he is having now, living it up, whatever he is doing, they won't last, and they probably aren't what you are assuming them to be... He can't continue on in this fashion before reality hits him in the backside in some form or other. You are right, it tears you up being banned from his life, not knowing what is going on, etc, and no longer being a part of it. But....really....didn't it hurt worse to be part of it, and to suffer through his abuse? If you are honest with yourself, if you REALLY dig deep and think about it? That is what I figured out. It hurts terribly bad to lose our future, though in reality it was a bleak one because our imagined one would have never happened, and it hurts to be alone, and it hurts to think of my guy doing this or that, as if he is the victim and I was the bad crazy one, etc. all happy and whatever. It tears me apart to lose him, but as they keep saying on here, I lost him a long time ago...or never had him, because alcohol did. You are better off without him, I know that sounds hollow and like a cliche, but no one, NO ONE should spit on you. EVER. Period. You deserve way way way better.
Why not take some time to focus on you for a bit? Take a deep breath, and maybe a nice long shower or bath. Have a nice cup of tea, and just be gentle with yourself. Take time to grieve, give into it for a bit and grieve for the death of the relationship. But then, do something nice for yourself. Get your hair done, buy a new book, do something sunshiney, something simple, that is pure thoughtless happiness. It sounds cheesy, but it helps. It really does. After you let yourself cry or mourn for a bit, pick yourself up, and find something that will put a smile on your face. Do something for you, just you. Focus on you for a bit, because it sounds like you have been spending all your time thinking about him. What is something that makes you smile, that would make you happy?
It hurts right now, and its going to hurt, quite a bit. But I promise, it is going to ease, slowly. Some days will be hard, and some will be easy because you might be numb. I have a lot of those. But, one day you will notice that you didn't cry all day long. Or maybe you didn't cry at all for the whole day. Soon after it will be you won't cry for several days at a time. It will ease, it will pass. It will likely hurt for a long long time, but the white hot needle sharpness of it will ease and become easier to bear. Hugs to you. Please take a little time to just focus on you, for just a bit, if you can. Give yourself something small and sweet, to remind you of how amazing and special you are.

Seren

Hello free,

When I was still married to my ex-husband, I would suggest things or ask him about hobbies he used to take an interest in, and he never did anything. After he moved out, he began doing all those things. I can't explain it, but I know it had nothing to do with me. Perhaps my ex felt so guilty about cheating on me, that he returned to the things he used to love to do as an escape--who knows?!

Please know one thing, it is not a reflection on you. It doesn't mean you are a bad person or horrible to live with, it just....is.

I'm so sorry that you are in such pain right now, but I promise you it will get better. The pain will ease, and you will find joy again. The tears can be very helpful at getting out all of that pain, don't be afraid of them.

Sending hugs!

wholelottarosie

Im feeling like that tonight. We've been split up 7 weeks. Im working on me but tonight I find myself thinking that he hasn't put up any kind of fight for me. Ill be fine in a bit-getting these tears out. Have icecream in freezer.

Pia

I'm sorry you are hurting. Is there something's you can do to take the time spent on the whys to the doing for yourself?

No matter why this ?or why that ? it isn't going to change what has been done and what is going to happen in the future . I have learned asking or inquiring what my X is doing is wasting energy that could be used on doing what I want to, even if it is just sitting on a chair is the quiet.

How about going for a walk to clear your mind even if its cold outside. I don't know what the weather is like in your area but even if its uncomfortable it's better than spending wasted time thinking of someone that isn't giving you what you want.

I also learned even if he is getting back at me for whatever reason in his head the fact is he isn't wanting to change.

Go get that

Praying

(((((((((IAmFree))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are hurting. I'm sending hugs and prayers your way. A handful of things my ex is doing now that he hated, berated, or avoided before...

Reads books (never! Railed on me when I did)
Hunts (what?! Always slammed people who did this)
Goes camping (I love this, and he refused to do it for the 20 yrs we were together)
Learning to play music (another of my passions he thought was stupid)

Sharing this because for a while these things really bothered me, for the same reasons you claim. What was so wrong with me?!? (Nothing.) Why, when I gave so much, did you refuse these if underneath you really like them? (It had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his control.)

When he started playing the guitar, it was just part of who he decided he wanted to be at the moment. Who cares if it sticks.

My ex is not recovering so it's not some long lost passion reigniting...I think these things are just him recreating himself for a while. But I don't think it has anything to do with me...and it never did. It probably doesn't even have anything to do with him.

Still hurts, I know.
More hugs.

IamFreeNow14

Thank you very much for being here....
Today I cried for 2 hours.
I don't want to get divorced.
I don't understand why he doesn't miss me
Why isn't he afraid or sad about our relationship and family?
Why?
I still take SSRI but I'm sad like never in my life before.
I have suicidal thoughts
I wouldn't do anything but I don' t want to feel this horrible pain anymore.
And my husband?
He is happy without me.
He doesn't care about me....
Why do I love a man who has treaten me so badly???
There is something wrong with me and my feelings about my own value......
It's not normal to love someone who behaved like my x did or?
I know I must go to the lawyer and go for divorce.
The state now where I don't know how it goes on....drives me crazy.
The words of my x "i want to give you a last chance"
Or" maybe we will come together again.maybe in a half of a year"
"I want a new better woman"
He is playing games with my heart and I can't live that way one more day.
I will go to a lawyer and tell her all this and that it's not appropriate any longer to wait, hope he will get like former days, wait, hope.....i can't live that way longer....

Mags1

Hi iamfree,so sorry for the pain you are in. Going to see a lawyer see what your options are might be a good idea.

Hugs xx