Should I stop drinking for my sober alcoholic BF?
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Should I stop drinking for my sober alcoholic BF?
My story: Began dating a man two years ago, who has been sober for nearly 20 years after two stints in rehab. He is completely committed to sobriety. When we met, we became friends. He knew I enjoyed my nightly glass of wine. Then it became more serious. I told him then I wasn't willing to give up the wine, and he said this was okay. We later became engaged. Things were really good.
Several months later, he said he couldn't be around me drinking anymore (although he is fine being around other people who drink, though he'd rather not). I asked if there was a compromise anywhere. Such as, if I'm out with friends and he's not there, is that okay...or if I want to go take an hour to soak in a tub with a glass of wine, is that okay. He said this was not acceptable for him, though he hated asking me to completely stop drinking wine. Well, dammit, I like wine...and not even having the choice to have an occasional glass of wine when he's not around seemed unreasonable to me, especially given this was more an ultimatum rather than a choice I was making for myself. It all blew up, and I broke it off.
It was extremely painful, because I know we love each other and have a profound connection in so many ways. But, I cut off contact and told him it was better that we went our separate ways. He was unable to live with that decision and was confused, hurt, etc., all of which I understand and empathize with. After about four months of him trying to reach back out to me, I gave in and said we could talk. He said he needed closure and I guess I could understand that, although I thought I had given him plenty of closure. So we saw each other and it was very emotional. Bottom line: We've resumed contact, but have agreed that the relationship will be much less intense. No engagement, we're just going to live our independent lives and get together when it's convenient.
The challenge with this now is that we do want to be together, but once again, there is no compromise on his part. So, I guess, I just don't know what to think, do, etc. Is this my problem? Or is this his problem? Is compromise just not an option, ever? Are we setting ourselves up for more pain? If I make the decision to never have another glass of wine, ever, so that we can be together just going to make me resent him at some point?
A couple of notes: I have been to several al-Anon meetings...am still on fence as to what the benefit of this is to my relationship with this man, as the meetings always make me feel like I'm the one who has to roll over and atone for my own sins (ugh). And, as far as him, he does not regularly go to AA meetings...says they are counterproductive for him as it makes him want to go out and drink. He has, however, tried attending several different chapters in the area.
So...I'm really looking for some perspective here. I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the problem. He's suggested as much, and has also pulled the "you love wine more than me" line. I don't think it's that so much as I love the freedom of choice more than I do him. I just don't know...
Any responses are very much appreciated.
Several months later, he said he couldn't be around me drinking anymore (although he is fine being around other people who drink, though he'd rather not). I asked if there was a compromise anywhere. Such as, if I'm out with friends and he's not there, is that okay...or if I want to go take an hour to soak in a tub with a glass of wine, is that okay. He said this was not acceptable for him, though he hated asking me to completely stop drinking wine. Well, dammit, I like wine...and not even having the choice to have an occasional glass of wine when he's not around seemed unreasonable to me, especially given this was more an ultimatum rather than a choice I was making for myself. It all blew up, and I broke it off.
It was extremely painful, because I know we love each other and have a profound connection in so many ways. But, I cut off contact and told him it was better that we went our separate ways. He was unable to live with that decision and was confused, hurt, etc., all of which I understand and empathize with. After about four months of him trying to reach back out to me, I gave in and said we could talk. He said he needed closure and I guess I could understand that, although I thought I had given him plenty of closure. So we saw each other and it was very emotional. Bottom line: We've resumed contact, but have agreed that the relationship will be much less intense. No engagement, we're just going to live our independent lives and get together when it's convenient.
The challenge with this now is that we do want to be together, but once again, there is no compromise on his part. So, I guess, I just don't know what to think, do, etc. Is this my problem? Or is this his problem? Is compromise just not an option, ever? Are we setting ourselves up for more pain? If I make the decision to never have another glass of wine, ever, so that we can be together just going to make me resent him at some point?
A couple of notes: I have been to several al-Anon meetings...am still on fence as to what the benefit of this is to my relationship with this man, as the meetings always make me feel like I'm the one who has to roll over and atone for my own sins (ugh). And, as far as him, he does not regularly go to AA meetings...says they are counterproductive for him as it makes him want to go out and drink. He has, however, tried attending several different chapters in the area.
So...I'm really looking for some perspective here. I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the problem. He's suggested as much, and has also pulled the "you love wine more than me" line. I don't think it's that so much as I love the freedom of choice more than I do him. I just don't know...
Any responses are very much appreciated.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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You're an adult and free to make your own choices. I can understand him not wanting you to drink while with him. I do not drink around my BF who's in recovery. We do not keep alcohol in the house. I'm fine with that. However, if I go out with friends and want to have a glass of wine, I do.
Switching from being engaged to a casual relationship is nearly impossible. I don't know that we can "dial down" our emotions like that.
It sounds to me like he is trying to control and guilt you into doing what he wants you to do. That's a dealbreaker for me.
Sorry you're going through this. I know it's painful. Much love and hugs to you.
Switching from being engaged to a casual relationship is nearly impossible. I don't know that we can "dial down" our emotions like that.
It sounds to me like he is trying to control and guilt you into doing what he wants you to do. That's a dealbreaker for me.
Sorry you're going through this. I know it's painful. Much love and hugs to you.
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We have to accept people for exactly who and how they are today, other wise we have no business being in a relationship with them.
This man cannot accept you for who and how you are today, he wants you to change and you shouldn't have to.
This man cannot accept you for who and how you are today, he wants you to change and you shouldn't have to.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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If you only drink one glass of wine and no more, that doesn't sound like a problem.
If you are drinking more than one glass nightly, like half a bottle etc. you may have a problem yourself.
That said, I don't think the tactics he is using to make you stop are fair or ethical.
If you want to drink away from him and can do so responsibly, that's your buisness.
It feels almost like he thinks you have a problem with alcohol yourself.
Any chance of that?
I stopped drinking but my husband still does in our home.
I really don't like it but I feel that I don't have the right to dictate to him after my own actions. It is his home too.
So I guess I see both sides of this
Is he controlling in other ways too or just this one thing?
If you are drinking more than one glass nightly, like half a bottle etc. you may have a problem yourself.
That said, I don't think the tactics he is using to make you stop are fair or ethical.
If you want to drink away from him and can do so responsibly, that's your buisness.
It feels almost like he thinks you have a problem with alcohol yourself.
Any chance of that?
I stopped drinking but my husband still does in our home.
I really don't like it but I feel that I don't have the right to dictate to him after my own actions. It is his home too.
So I guess I see both sides of this
Is he controlling in other ways too or just this one thing?
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I so much appreciate the quick responses to my questions! As to questions from you Hawkeye13, I generally just sip on a glass and that's it. There have been some other "control" issues, which he wouldn't see as controlling. The alcohol is the big one, and his reactions have been nasty at times. It's weird...he's generally a very gentle and mild-mannered person.
I suppose what keeps really haunting me is that the various scans I've done on conversations about people in similar situations all suggest that if you truly love someone and care about him, you're willing to do what it takes to make it work. But, that just doesn't seem to gel with my basic character, which prefers compromise rather than all out sacrifice. That said, I understand how awful alcoholism is and maybe this is the exception. So...that if I'm not willing to make the sacrifice, does that mean that I don't love? Aaarrgghh...so confusing.
I suppose what keeps really haunting me is that the various scans I've done on conversations about people in similar situations all suggest that if you truly love someone and care about him, you're willing to do what it takes to make it work. But, that just doesn't seem to gel with my basic character, which prefers compromise rather than all out sacrifice. That said, I understand how awful alcoholism is and maybe this is the exception. So...that if I'm not willing to make the sacrifice, does that mean that I don't love? Aaarrgghh...so confusing.
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Originally Posted by NamaMama 
So...that if I'm not willing to make the sacrifice, does that mean that I don't love? Aaarrgghh...so confusing.
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Originally Posted by involved
I am wondering why you choose to give up someone you love and want to marry over "a glass of wine"
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I agree with readerbaby. If it really is that small of an amount, it does seem
more about control.
My husband drinks too much, and that's the problem I have with the alcohol in the house.
If he only truly drank a single glass of wine with dinner, or to unwind, I would have
zero problem with that.
This may be the tip of an iceberg you should investigate more carefully before signing
on for the long haul. What do you think?
more about control.
My husband drinks too much, and that's the problem I have with the alcohol in the house.
If he only truly drank a single glass of wine with dinner, or to unwind, I would have
zero problem with that.
This may be the tip of an iceberg you should investigate more carefully before signing
on for the long haul. What do you think?
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I think this is part of the process of that investigation, for sure. I'm not going to jump back into something where there's clearly a huge red flag.
You are all awesome, btw...just these brief exchanges have already been enormously helpful.
You are all awesome, btw...just these brief exchanges have already been enormously helpful.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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If it is unacceptable to him and you made it clear that you won't give it up why did he persist in getting back together? To eventually "make" you do what he wants? I think you were smart to break it off in the first place.
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Yes, readerbaby...I've got questions about whether I'm the addiction that replaces his alcoholism, which would sort of be part of the answer to why he can't give me up, right? It makes me sad.
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Originally Posted by involved
I am wondering why you choose to give up someone you love and want to marry over "a glass of wine"
I wish I could tell my exbf, "If you find yourself missing me/us... when you pour that glass of scotch tonight, remember that's the only reason I'm not there".
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I guess my point is that most of us on this site are here because someone elses DOC came before their relationships....and for her to give up an otherwise happy relationship over "A glass of wine" seems like there is more to this story...
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The fact that he's been nasty and unwilling to compromise about it seems like a red flag to me and probably a bigger issue to the OP than the glass of wine.
Also the fact that he was initially just fine with her having a glass of wine a night and then flipped to not wanting her to have any, ever, even when out with friends and not with him seems very strange. I can understand not wanting alcohol in the house or wanting somebody drinking in front of him, but not being ok with her having a drink ever does seem very controlling.
Just my opinion, but if he can't handle his partner having a drink when he's not even around after 20 years of sobriety, there is something wrong with his recovery.
Also the fact that he was initially just fine with her having a glass of wine a night and then flipped to not wanting her to have any, ever, even when out with friends and not with him seems very strange. I can understand not wanting alcohol in the house or wanting somebody drinking in front of him, but not being ok with her having a drink ever does seem very controlling.
Just my opinion, but if he can't handle his partner having a drink when he's not even around after 20 years of sobriety, there is something wrong with his recovery.
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Sounds like you have a choice.
Alcohol or This Man.
Your choice -- may you choose wisely.
Just for a reference point . . . I now get my (caffeine) coffee at Alanon, Open AA, or gas stations or client coffee bars when traveling. None at home.
Mrs. Hammer cannot drink caffeine as part of her food program. No one even asked me to give it up, but I figured what minor gain I may miss, could be a big loss for her and our family -- if she were to relapse from her food program.
So I am happy do so. But no one asked or demanded of me. Just happy to do what I can to help.
Dunno if you have ever been through a relapse with an A -- and what can come after. We have. I know the downside risk.
But it is my life, the kids' lives, and my choice. So I try to choose wisely.
Alcohol or This Man.
Your choice -- may you choose wisely.
Just for a reference point . . . I now get my (caffeine) coffee at Alanon, Open AA, or gas stations or client coffee bars when traveling. None at home.
Mrs. Hammer cannot drink caffeine as part of her food program. No one even asked me to give it up, but I figured what minor gain I may miss, could be a big loss for her and our family -- if she were to relapse from her food program.
So I am happy do so. But no one asked or demanded of me. Just happy to do what I can to help.
Dunno if you have ever been through a relapse with an A -- and what can come after. We have. I know the downside risk.
But it is my life, the kids' lives, and my choice. So I try to choose wisely.
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Maybe it is not as complicated as it seems and rather quite simple.....doesn't seem like he is maybe the 'one' or your soulmate. If it were meant to be it seems like it would be easier to figure this out?
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I agree that this issue goes deeper than just a glass of wine......for both parties.
Let's take it entirely into a different realm for clarity. If he was allergic to peanuts, to the point that kissing a person who recently ate something with peanuts in it it could kill him, it would be very reasonable for him to ask them to give up peanut butter, yes? And more than likely, the other person may consider watching their diet carefully.
Bear with me on this.....and just in case someone thinks this couldn't happen, I've put a link to show that it could indeed happen....and has.
Teen with peanut allergy dies after kiss - Health - Allergies and asthma | NBC News
Addiction/alcoholism is one tricky disease. If he smells it on your breath, tastes it in a kiss, or has it in the house, it has the potential to trigger him into a relapse.....the potential.....it doesn't mean that it will. It doesn't mean that it shouldn't. It doesn't mean that this would be the case for all recovering alcoholics. But if he recognizes that as a possibility, he may not be willing to risk it. He may be trying to save his own life......and I mean that quite literally.
Can you imagine how hard it is to give up someone you love because you can't be in a close relationship with someone who drinks....even in moderation? That would be difficult. Alcoholism kills. Addiction kills. There may not be a reasonable compromise here. He could be compromising his life....and you would be compromising something you enjoy in moderation.......it may not be fair to either one of you!
And BTW.....I'm not suggesting that you are wrong here or he is right or vice versa......I'm simply suggesting that this just may not be an appropriate match for two people......no one is the good guy....no one is the bad guy......no one is right.......no one is wrong. Just a matter of incompatibility.
Personally, I would either give up the wine (and not resent him for it) or get out of the relationship....but that's just me. And as for him, if I had any inkling that being in a relationship with someone who drinks in moderation is a problem for me....I'd tell them that right up front so that it doesn't become an issue down the road after an attachment has been established.
Compromise doesn't always mean that I'll meet you halfway on a single issue. Sometimes compromise means I'll come ALL THE WAY on this issue and you'll come ALL THE WAY on that issue. A good relationship is full of compromises.
gentle hugs
ke
Let's take it entirely into a different realm for clarity. If he was allergic to peanuts, to the point that kissing a person who recently ate something with peanuts in it it could kill him, it would be very reasonable for him to ask them to give up peanut butter, yes? And more than likely, the other person may consider watching their diet carefully.
Bear with me on this.....and just in case someone thinks this couldn't happen, I've put a link to show that it could indeed happen....and has.
Teen with peanut allergy dies after kiss - Health - Allergies and asthma | NBC News
Addiction/alcoholism is one tricky disease. If he smells it on your breath, tastes it in a kiss, or has it in the house, it has the potential to trigger him into a relapse.....the potential.....it doesn't mean that it will. It doesn't mean that it shouldn't. It doesn't mean that this would be the case for all recovering alcoholics. But if he recognizes that as a possibility, he may not be willing to risk it. He may be trying to save his own life......and I mean that quite literally.
Can you imagine how hard it is to give up someone you love because you can't be in a close relationship with someone who drinks....even in moderation? That would be difficult. Alcoholism kills. Addiction kills. There may not be a reasonable compromise here. He could be compromising his life....and you would be compromising something you enjoy in moderation.......it may not be fair to either one of you!
And BTW.....I'm not suggesting that you are wrong here or he is right or vice versa......I'm simply suggesting that this just may not be an appropriate match for two people......no one is the good guy....no one is the bad guy......no one is right.......no one is wrong. Just a matter of incompatibility.
Personally, I would either give up the wine (and not resent him for it) or get out of the relationship....but that's just me. And as for him, if I had any inkling that being in a relationship with someone who drinks in moderation is a problem for me....I'd tell them that right up front so that it doesn't become an issue down the road after an attachment has been established.
Compromise doesn't always mean that I'll meet you halfway on a single issue. Sometimes compromise means I'll come ALL THE WAY on this issue and you'll come ALL THE WAY on that issue. A good relationship is full of compromises.
gentle hugs
ke
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Originally Posted by NamaMama
If I make the decision to never have another glass of wine, ever, so that we can be together just going to make me resent him at some point?.
When I first quit drinking I could not be around alcohol at all. But now that I am over a year it is much easier. I don't deliberately put myself in situations where there is lots of alcohol, however, I can go out for dinner with people and if they have some wine with their dinner I am okay with that.
I live with my daughter and her husband and even though they aren't big drinkers, her husband does buy beer once in awhile. I am fine with that. However, my daughter won't drink in front of me anymore. She thinks it's unfair!
Now if I was living with someone I honestly don't know how I would feel if there was booze kept in the house. When I say kept I mean there all the time. Not sure if I could do it. I just don't know. I know I could deal with someone drinking once in awhile, but all the time, that would be a deal breaker for me.
However, I don't have the right to insist that someone not drink as it really is my issue not theirs. We do have to be careful that we are not stomping all over someone elses boundaries while keeping our sobriety in check.
Hmmmm......See this is really why I don't want to be in any relationship right now. Too much work and too much compromising! Makes my brain hurt. HAHAHAHA
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