involved

Is wondering why Significant Others of A's are allowed to have the "you cant drink" boundry but the RA is "controlling" when they do? Like mentioned above, and I would agree, it is after all a matter of their life and death if they relapse. Also, yes it is their responsibility to work their program, but IMO, its kind of mean to eat a huge piece of chocolate cake in font of a diabetic every night, and then breath it in their face while you sleep for the rest if their lives (given that they are engaged)! I guess I second what Hammer said.. it seems HER CHOICE is Alcohol or her Man. And she did in her words describe the relationship/love as "profound"

tomsteve

have you asked him for an honest answer on what the motive is for the "stop drinking or else" ultimatum?

"...has also pulled the "you love wine more than me" line."
thatsa problem right there. but it aint yours.

Kindeyes

Touché! That's an interesting (and valid) point.

Shining~Again

5-6 years ago I would of given up the one true love of my life, soda, for my dearly loved partner.
That's MY weakness. The one I struggle with and no, well...yes, it seems funny but it's not. I LOVE my soda with food. Period.

Since then, now/today, I would definitely be freaked out over someone putting that demand on me. Especially if I only had a small amount (ok...daily. when I eat. like 4 oz.)

Something switched in my brain and it went from "ok, I can quit anything for this person I love dearly, passionately" to "how DARE you put a demand on this relationship that is about my soda?? What's next?? My butterfinger I like to eat every couple weeks??! You controlling barstoll! how DARE you!!!"

but that's just me and yes I agree there is more going on here. Fear? Fear of being around booze ... fear of relapse if he can smell it on you? anger that he can't have ONE with you?

Fear that you will ("this is a progressive disease") become a alcoholic 10 years/20 years down the road?
^^^ ya know the saying there's nothing worse than a ex-smoker? yeah....me too.
xoxx

Pelican

When I was ready for dating again, (after divorce from AH) I chose not to go out with a man whose idea of unwinding after work included alcohol (even a beer once in awhile - as they put it). I did not want a relationship with someone whose idea of relaxation includes alcohol.

My choice. My life.

NamaMama

Thanks to everyone here for all of your wonderful and honest insights. Sure is tough to be human sometimes, isn't it?

Hawkeye13

It is a good point.
As the A in my relationship, I'm living with this problem on a daily basis at the moment.

Here's my dilemma with this:
I think had I said "no alcohol" was a criteria when I first started
the relationship the person I dated would have known up front that was a dealbreaker for me.

This man told her that alcohol was an issue in his life and that he has been sober for 20 years, and she said she drank a glass of wine and planned on keeping that up.
He accepted it at that time and a strong connection was formed.

Now he is trying to "change" the terms of the agreement saying not only can she not have a glass of wine in her home, but not even when out with friends when she isn't around him.

This seems to be a significant change in the "deal" with no real negotiation on his part beyond "Do it or you love wine more than me".
I think that is manipulative and controlling, and it is not the same situation since she has done nothing to alter their first agreement.

As a former alcoholic who did not have the problem to the degree it grew into when I met my husband,
our "deal" was social non-problematic drinking and from that we formed our attachment and subsequent marriage.

I, however, changed the "deal" by becoming (over the years) a problem drinker who treated him differently when drinking (meaner, unreasonable often)
so he was justified in saying "deal is off, no more alcohol for you" because I wasn't doing what I agreed to in the beginning any more.

Why should I expect him to quit also when the majority of the problem was me?
Now, I'm beginning to feel that his drinking is getting problematic for him and increasingly me, but that is a totally different situation than the OP is describing.
She isn't drinking more or abusing alcohol, so why does he now have the right to tell her what to do in terms of her consumption?
He should have made the boundary in the beginning of the relationship.

Anyway, that's something I'm thinking a lot about at the moment.
Trying to walk the talk I just said has been very hard for me.
I would much much prefer a dry house now.
But, if my husband could truly just have a glass of wine or two and not get drunk,
I would be just fine with that amount.


Not because of temptation, but because I just don't like how my husband's
conversation and personality changes when he drinks.
Karma truly is a bit - -

involved

Hawkeye- i am sorry you are struggleing with this. People and situations grow and change over a lifetime together. The OP isnt answering many questions so it is hard to know much about that situation, but as you stated and are obviously well aware of...Alcoholim is progressive. One of the questions on the "am I an Alcoholic test" is has a family member or friend expressed concern about your alcohol consumption... The OP states that it is a happy relationship with a profound connection, yet she feels that a nightly glass if wine is more important. This would be a red flag for me if I was engaged to someone who chose alcohol over me! She states that she likes her nightly glass of wine" and is pretty adement about it "DAMN IT".. I am not saying she has a problem with alcohol because she hasnt commited to how big the glasses she sips are...but I know that if you ask most active A's, they only had 2. We dont know that the Fiance, like you, tried hard to walk his talk but could no longer keep up the brave face for love or fear or whatever reason he has, if he was struggling with this situation. But I feel like when she states that he said he "hated to ask her to give up the wine"...he has the right to renegotiate the "deal" and an ibligation to be honest about his feelings/concerns before he said "I do" and that she has the CHOICE to say I DONT. As I feel that you also have a right to decide wether your husbands alcohol use has become a problem for you! Because people and life grow and change over a lifetime! Just because your married and you on a journey with abuse and recovery doesnt mean you have to suck up discomfort or feel like its your "karma" and suffer what sounds like a situation that is causing you to look at your husband with less than adoring eyes! I wish you luck on your journey!

Chelsea1029

I agree with kindeyes and involved on this. When I first read the original post I thought of my own boundary with my AH and how he says I'm trying to control him. No, it's just my boundary. certainly something I have learned here is that it's ok for us to have these boundaries and they can choose to live with it or not. He set his boundary and maybe he thought he was ok with the glass of wine but at some point realized he wasn't - it was causing issue for him. He now sees it as she is choosing wine over him. That is how I see it with my husband - he has chosen drinking over his family. It's not about being controlling its about what I can live with. Now this being said, I am a person that drinks herbal tea to relax and, although I know it's very common, I have never understood the glass of wine every night to relax. That would be a problem for me too. Just my opinion, but it's concerning someone feels that strongly about having a glass every night that she's willing to give up the relationship. Obviously there has to be more to it than this but it does seem unhealthy to me.
NamaMama- I am sorry you are struggling with this. I know it is difficult to figure out what is the right thing to do for yourself. I do think if it was the right relationship for you, you would know and not have these questions about him being controlling.

readerbaby71

Sure, he has the right to tell her it's a dealbreaker, and so does she. What I don't understand is if it's unacceptable to him why he got back together with her. I'm sorry, but her drinking when he is not there is her business. If he doesn't like it he can find another partner who is alcohol free.

I also think it's unfair to say that she may have an alcohol problem and to compare what she's doing to eating cake in front of a diabetic. She said that she sips on a glass of wine in the tub or while with friends. She does not drink in front of him. That is enough detail for me. Do you expect her to say how many ounces she's drinking? Normal drinkers usually don't count ounces because they don't need to justify to themselves or anyone else how much they drink.

NamaMama

Hi involved...I am happy to answer any questions. Obviously, as with any situation, there are two sides and much gray in between the black and white. To be clear, I never said that the wine was more important. What I said was having the choice was important, and that whatever choice I make should be my own. When I say a glass of wine, I mean a glass of wine. You're correct in that my (former) fiance has an obligation to be honest...unfortunately, he did not honor this obligation from the beginning. I, however, was quite upfront with no ambiguity whatsoever.

Had I known more about alcoholism from the beginning of this relationship, I very likely would have cut it off because of exactly the reason I am on this forum right now. But you don't always choose who touches you and vice versa, and both the head and the heart are just stupid sometimes.

Anyway, as someone else in this thread noted...no one is right, no one is wrong. It is what it is, and what I'm doing here is just trying to understand it and figure out what to do about it. I hope that you can understand that, without judgement.

involved

Hi Nana-I am sorry you are having to struggle with this. We all have our choices to make and decisions regarding what we can live with....especially where the rest of our lives are concerned. And whats right for you may not me right for me! Thats life! I guess to give readerbaby my opinion...when you say you both want to be together but HE isnt willing to compromise...you are saying that he wont agree with you or meet you in the middle. As someone else pointed out, sometimes a compromise is not meeting half way, but giving up all the way or conceding. I agree that no one is right or wrong and you both have a choice....but I feel that it takes 2 to agree and that its not just HIM being "controling" but two people who cant agree. Why you dont want to make the choice to give up a glass of wine when asked is your choice..you chose to give up the relationship. You always have choices and have made them! What I feel like I hear you saying he wont concede to you so that you can be together, and what I feel like I hear you related to us is that is something he cant concede to for a lifetime. So by you getting back together with each other because (readerbaby, that decision is a two way street, he just didnt get back with her) you both are faced with the same choice...and nothing has changed....your back to banging against the same wall that no one is willing to budge. So what do you choose? Cause you cant control him. Do you quit and stay in an otherwise happy profound relationship or do you choose to walk. Like Hammer says ... Choose wisely! I am trying to be fair to both sides of the street because relationships take two...not judging. Good luck!

Hammer

If it were easy we would not so much tend to need the God part of the Program(s), I suppose.

But once you accept you need God in this, and ask for that . . . as near as I can tell the roadway and path gets REAL clear.

But like you have observed from the diversity of answers to simple question . . . the path will be your own (and hopefully God's) and you cannot make it through this class trying copy other's home work.

You know how to get the God part, right? It is dirt simple.

============

Dear God,

Please show NamaMama Your Will, Your Way and Your Path for her life. And Please Grant her the Wisdom, Courage, and Strength to follow it.

Amen.

=============

Do that with most of this stuff, and life gets a LOT easier.

choublak

In relationships, it's not a thing of "ALLOWING", both persons are adults and shouldn't be asking PERMISSION, it's more CONSIDERATION for your partner and if something you do will bother them, or would you like it done to you.