baby steps towards freedom
living sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: close to my dogs
Posts: 40
baby steps towards freedom
Hi, I'm Julia. I've been reading here for almost a year and am finally ready to post. First of all I'd like to thank you for your honest sharing, your compassion and your humaneness - I think this is a very special, caring, and precious place.
Anyhow, to me drinking affects my life in many ways: Even though I've never been drinking during the day, I've been using alcohol to medicate stress and anxiety, to numb any unpleasant emotion, to curb the excitement of too pleasant emotions (joy! happiness! peace! - Ugh, can't deal with it!), to be more relaxed/ sociable/ communicative than I normally would be, to... the list is endless. Basically, alcohol has been my leveller to reach a certain baseline of equilibrium in any given situation, my cuddly blanket, my comfort zone.
I've been watching my alcohol consumption and its impact on my life for quite some time. I couldn't help but notice the high price I was paying for my nightly reprieve - hangovers of different intensity, some more manageable than others, a growing sense of frustration and defeat, a lingering depression, the feeling of being stuck and, sometimes, even despair. I knew I had to stop drinking, I just didn't know how: Since drinking had slowly but surely become my default setting, how would I deal with life, the universe and everything if I didn't drink anymore? Who would I be? How would I cope?
I don't know the answers yet. I only know that I don't WANT TO drink anymore. The thrill is long gone and turning back to the bottle would leave me with the devastating feeling that I compromised on my integrity and lastly on my soul, again.
So I'm taking baby steps towards sobriety, one day at a time. I set myself a goal of one year - I really would like to change my default modus operandi for the first time in my adult life to sober, period. And I doubt that once achieved I will see anything attractive in drinking again. My bottle is empty, so is the buzz. I'm angry. And a little scared. But nurturing a growing seedling of determination. Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad to be here and look forward to participating.
Julia
PS: I'm not a native speaker- my apologies for inevitable mistakes.
PPS: I'm on a modest day 6 of being sober and it feels so right...
Anyhow, to me drinking affects my life in many ways: Even though I've never been drinking during the day, I've been using alcohol to medicate stress and anxiety, to numb any unpleasant emotion, to curb the excitement of too pleasant emotions (joy! happiness! peace! - Ugh, can't deal with it!), to be more relaxed/ sociable/ communicative than I normally would be, to... the list is endless. Basically, alcohol has been my leveller to reach a certain baseline of equilibrium in any given situation, my cuddly blanket, my comfort zone.
I've been watching my alcohol consumption and its impact on my life for quite some time. I couldn't help but notice the high price I was paying for my nightly reprieve - hangovers of different intensity, some more manageable than others, a growing sense of frustration and defeat, a lingering depression, the feeling of being stuck and, sometimes, even despair. I knew I had to stop drinking, I just didn't know how: Since drinking had slowly but surely become my default setting, how would I deal with life, the universe and everything if I didn't drink anymore? Who would I be? How would I cope?
I don't know the answers yet. I only know that I don't WANT TO drink anymore. The thrill is long gone and turning back to the bottle would leave me with the devastating feeling that I compromised on my integrity and lastly on my soul, again.
So I'm taking baby steps towards sobriety, one day at a time. I set myself a goal of one year - I really would like to change my default modus operandi for the first time in my adult life to sober, period. And I doubt that once achieved I will see anything attractive in drinking again. My bottle is empty, so is the buzz. I'm angry. And a little scared. But nurturing a growing seedling of determination. Wish me luck.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad to be here and look forward to participating.
Julia
PS: I'm not a native speaker- my apologies for inevitable mistakes.
PPS: I'm on a modest day 6 of being sober and it feels so right...
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR.
Who will you be? That person you were before drinking isn't as elusive as you think. It just takes some sober time for her to emerge.
Good luck.
Originally Posted by strayJ 
Since drinking had slowly but surely become my default setting, how would I deal with life, the universe and everything if I didn't drink anymore? Who would I be? How would I cope?
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello, and welcome and congratulations on six days.
Alcohol became my default setting, too. It was who I was. Invincible, cocky and the life of the party. The party lasted 27 years. Then things changed, alcohol became my master.
The fun of drinking was long gone-I had crossed that thin line into alcoholism.
My life beame a nightmare of consuming and recovering. It really wasn't worth living, because that's not what it was. I was a drunk. I had all the symptoms you mentioned.
It took an awakening, I guess not unlike yours, to slowly, baby step my way to sobriety.
It's been over three years now, and I'm here to tell you, you can do it, too. I know you can.
Life for sober is great. There isn't enough hours in the day to enjoy it. I wish the same for you.
Alcohol became my default setting, too. It was who I was. Invincible, cocky and the life of the party. The party lasted 27 years. Then things changed, alcohol became my master.
The fun of drinking was long gone-I had crossed that thin line into alcoholism.
My life beame a nightmare of consuming and recovering. It really wasn't worth living, because that's not what it was. I was a drunk. I had all the symptoms you mentioned.
It took an awakening, I guess not unlike yours, to slowly, baby step my way to sobriety.
It's been over three years now, and I'm here to tell you, you can do it, too. I know you can.
Life for sober is great. There isn't enough hours in the day to enjoy it. I wish the same for you.
Congrats on six days sober! That's a good start. I hope we can help you stay sober for good. living sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: close to my dogs
Posts: 40
Hi least, thanks for the warm welcome and the encouragement!
Well, they are three beautiful, gentle ex-strays of rather vague origin (one is definitely a Golden Retriever-Mix, one a Spitz-Mix and the third? Looks a bit like a Ridgeback but only God knows ;-) now turned into princes/princesses whom I picked off the streets as puppies when I was living in India. Just got them back home; very happy that they got here safe and sound!
Might post a photo one day - they mean the world to me as you will certainly understand... By the way, love your title: bona fido dog-lover ;-)
Well, they are three beautiful, gentle ex-strays of rather vague origin (one is definitely a Golden Retriever-Mix, one a Spitz-Mix and the third? Looks a bit like a Ridgeback but only God knows ;-) now turned into princes/princesses whom I picked off the streets as puppies when I was living in India. Just got them back home; very happy that they got here safe and sound!
Might post a photo one day - they mean the world to me as you will certainly understand... By the way, love your title: bona fido dog-lover ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
"Anyhow, to me drinking affects my life in many ways: Even though I've never been drinking during the day, I've been using alcohol to medicate stress and anxiety, to numb any unpleasant emotion, to curb the excitement of too pleasant emotions (joy! happiness! peace! - Ugh, can't deal with it!), to be more relaxed/ sociable/ communicative than I normally would be, to... the list is endless. Basically, alcohol has been my leveller to reach a certain baseline of equilibrium in any given situation, my cuddly blanket, my comfort zone."
I could have written this. Thank you for this post. I'm also learning to live my life without alcohol.
I could have written this. Thank you for this post. I'm also learning to live my life without alcohol.
, to SR. 
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Very pleased to meet you StrayJ! SR saved me after I drank for almost 30 yrs. The friendship & encouragement is amazing. We're all in this together, and glad you are a part of us.
6 days is wonderful - be proud.
6 days is wonderful - be proud.
living sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: close to my dogs
Posts: 40
Hello dear all,
sorry for the late reply - I had to sleep a little in between ;-)
Thank you for your warm, warm welcome - I'm really touched and very happy to get into communication with you. Your aliases are so familiar to me from reading and spending so much time here it feels so right to finally come out of hiding and become part of the family.
I woke up to a sober day 7 even though I had to make a BIG emotional decision yesterday with a huge impact on my life in the future that would have required many drinks to deal with it under 'normal' circumstances, should read my habitual self.
What stopped, or safed me was that it finally sunk in that I don't want to drink anymore - it's my decision, and not a doctor's, my partner's, family's or somebody else's. I feel that's very empowering.
And of course I'm hearing, but not being enchanted anymore by that voice that tells me: "Oh, come on, you can have a drink or two to relax, you deserve it...yada, yada". NO, just (insert derogatory term here)!
I had a nice cup of lemongrass tea instead. I want to make that stick. Being mindful helps.
Julia
sorry for the late reply - I had to sleep a little in between ;-)
Thank you for your warm, warm welcome - I'm really touched and very happy to get into communication with you. Your aliases are so familiar to me from reading and spending so much time here it feels so right to finally come out of hiding and become part of the family.
I woke up to a sober day 7 even though I had to make a BIG emotional decision yesterday with a huge impact on my life in the future that would have required many drinks to deal with it under 'normal' circumstances, should read my habitual self.
What stopped, or safed me was that it finally sunk in that I don't want to drink anymore - it's my decision, and not a doctor's, my partner's, family's or somebody else's. I feel that's very empowering.
And of course I'm hearing, but not being enchanted anymore by that voice that tells me: "Oh, come on, you can have a drink or two to relax, you deserve it...yada, yada". NO, just (insert derogatory term here)!
I had a nice cup of lemongrass tea instead. I want to make that stick. Being mindful helps.
Julia
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
Welcome J...
your post and comments describe me to a "T".
I have to take the "Baby Steps" as well. Any kind of change for me is a monumental undertaking. Even the slightest changes. I dont know why. It's just the way I'am wired.
I can maintain abstenence for a few days...then slip for a day or two. Maintain a few more days...or maybe a week...or two...sometimes a month.
My slips are getting to be fewer and fewer and my periods of sobriety, longer and longer. I'am learning to view the world through my sober eyes and it's looking better and more doable day by day.
They say sobriety and recovery is a very personal thing. I truly believe that.
As they say...if you think what your doing will work, you're right. If you think it wont work, you're still right.
Good luck and keep us posted on your progress !
Dave
I have to take the "Baby Steps" as well. Any kind of change for me is a monumental undertaking. Even the slightest changes. I dont know why. It's just the way I'am wired.
I can maintain abstenence for a few days...then slip for a day or two. Maintain a few more days...or maybe a week...or two...sometimes a month.
My slips are getting to be fewer and fewer and my periods of sobriety, longer and longer. I'am learning to view the world through my sober eyes and it's looking better and more doable day by day.
They say sobriety and recovery is a very personal thing. I truly believe that.
As they say...if you think what your doing will work, you're right. If you think it wont work, you're still right.
Good luck and keep us posted on your progress !
Dave
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Center of Mass
Posts: 622
I only know that I don't WANT TO drink anymore.
I think this is a very important realization. For a long time I knew alcohol and drugs were leading me to ruin but realizing I wanted to quit was like a thunderclap!
PPS: I'm on a modest day 6 of being sober and it feels so right...
Not modest at all. Six days is a huge accomplishment!
Welcome to SR. This site has been an important facet of my recovery. Keep coming back and Thank You for posting!
I think this is a very important realization. For a long time I knew alcohol and drugs were leading me to ruin but realizing I wanted to quit was like a thunderclap!
PPS: I'm on a modest day 6 of being sober and it feels so right...
Not modest at all. Six days is a huge accomplishment!
Welcome to SR. This site has been an important facet of my recovery. Keep coming back and Thank You for posting!
living sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: close to my dogs
Posts: 40
It touches me how kind you guys are... thank you. <3
Hey, and DuhDave, I'm glad that you're experiencing progress in your baby steps towards sobriety, I was experimenting with that too until I came to a point where I thought, watching the glass in my hand: 'No, I don't even want to have that f***ing ONE drink to start with anymore, it bores me to death getting into the same routine of drinking every single night of my life!' Anger grew. Positive anger, unsettling anger, anger that asked for a change and that I couldn't silence by drinking anymore, because it would be there in the morning again, only mixed with a sense of defeat that I had given in, yet again. It felt as if, by drinking, I was killing every vital and justified instinct that I had and as if I was settling for less than what I am and what I am capable of. It felt like a slow, sure death... When I realized that it was over, my life-long infatuation with alcohol. I had fallen, finally, out of love.
Yes, it makes sense that recovery is a highly individual process, but you seem to be well on your way: I'am learning to view the world through my sober eyes and it's looking better and more doable day by day. I mean, hey, what a revelation, it's doable! We can LIVE without that (insert derogatory term of choice again)!
I think this insight is a big one, the way we're wired. Keep on observing and working on it; I think you've taken some huge steps already and your awareness and maybe even your longing for a change will not allow you to slip back into old and unconscious or denying patterns.
And Bruce, yes, this was and is a very important realization for me. Something within me just said NO!, firm and loud and unmistakeable. But well, I can be very dense... ;-)
Hey, and DuhDave, I'm glad that you're experiencing progress in your baby steps towards sobriety, I was experimenting with that too until I came to a point where I thought, watching the glass in my hand: 'No, I don't even want to have that f***ing ONE drink to start with anymore, it bores me to death getting into the same routine of drinking every single night of my life!' Anger grew. Positive anger, unsettling anger, anger that asked for a change and that I couldn't silence by drinking anymore, because it would be there in the morning again, only mixed with a sense of defeat that I had given in, yet again. It felt as if, by drinking, I was killing every vital and justified instinct that I had and as if I was settling for less than what I am and what I am capable of. It felt like a slow, sure death... When I realized that it was over, my life-long infatuation with alcohol. I had fallen, finally, out of love.
Yes, it makes sense that recovery is a highly individual process, but you seem to be well on your way: I'am learning to view the world through my sober eyes and it's looking better and more doable day by day. I mean, hey, what a revelation, it's doable! We can LIVE without that (insert derogatory term of choice again)!
I think this insight is a big one, the way we're wired. Keep on observing and working on it; I think you've taken some huge steps already and your awareness and maybe even your longing for a change will not allow you to slip back into old and unconscious or denying patterns.
And Bruce, yes, this was and is a very important realization for me. Something within me just said NO!, firm and loud and unmistakeable. But well, I can be very dense... ;-)
Last edited by strayJ; 03-06-2014 at 04:25 PM. Reason: spelling mistake ;-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Florida., USA
Posts: 3,252
"alcohol has been my leveller to reach a certain baseline of equilibrium in any given situation"
I thought of your post today excited from a successful shopping trip - I finally found shoes that don't hurt my feet and in addition, I purchased a new cell phone. It was a great shopping trip and when I got home, I wanted to drink to celebrate my purchases. How crazy is that? I, too, would want to drink from any emotion whether happy or sad.
I thought of your post today excited from a successful shopping trip - I finally found shoes that don't hurt my feet and in addition, I purchased a new cell phone. It was a great shopping trip and when I got home, I wanted to drink to celebrate my purchases. How crazy is that? I, too, would want to drink from any emotion whether happy or sad.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
