Trailsky

I am new here but have lurked for a few weeks. My AH went to rehab 1/9/14 after a heartbreaking relapse over Xmas. When he was gone It felt like a weight had been lifted. I had peace in the house. I stopped using pot which was a way to deal with the last four years of this roller coaster ride. I promised myself that if he relapsed he would need to move out until he was sober and working a solid recovery plan. He got home 2/11/14.

Last week 2/26/14 he appeared drunk when I came home. Before I said a word he told me he had been using pain pills to not drink and he was high on pain pills but still not drinking. He told me he used 30 since being home (15 days) and he took the last one that night and now it's done. He also threw in a lovely manipulation "I didn't know you were quitting pot while I was gone and I was planning on smoking to avoid drinking. If you would let me bring pot in the house I wouldn't drink". Like its my fault! LOL

The more time I spend in this, the more I see through his ways instantly. I knew that he would be drinking in a few days and we would be separated. On Saturday he drank.

This is crushing. I already know the answer. I am not going back to the craziness of him using. I am not going to risk using again. Now the million dollar question....

How do I tell him I want to separate when we can not afford to pay another rent/utilities? Not sure why I didn't think of this before.

Our families live out of state and ALL his family members are alcoholics. I thought about buying him a plane ticket to his sisters house but isn't that setting him up? Should I send him to live with an alcoholic? She would be fine with him living with her.

All of his friends are alcoholics. I don't know what to do. I love him and putting him on the streets is not an option.

What am I supposed to do?

We spent all our savings on the last rehab.

I am not ready for divorce. I still have hope he will commit to recovery.

Thanks for listening.

Hammer

With him rehabbing, pill-popping, smoking and toking (busy guy, btw)

Just who is it that is working and paying the bills?

You?

SparkleKitty

Trailsky, I feel for the terrible situation you are in right now. You did a good thing coming here and posting.

For right now, while he is active in addiction, you have to take care of yourself. If you are trying to take care of him, then you will have nothing left for yourself. Because he isn't taking care of anyone, and you are just as important as him and his addiction. Have you ever been to Al-Anon or met with a therapist?

Please try to remember that he is an adult and it is his choices that have landed him in the position he is in. He has shown you what is important to him and that he intends to keep drinking and to blame you for it. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

If separation is what is in your best interest right now, it is 100% not up to you to figure out what he does with that. Sending you strength and the courage to open your mind to healthier choices for yourself. Good luck.

Trailsky

We both work but his income is much lower than mine. The bills are probably split 70/30 between our incomes.

I have been in therapy for 6 months and attending NA and al-anon for 6 weeks.

CodeJob

Trailsky,

Congrats on stopping your own weed.

When you set this boundary that he could no longer drink and be in the home, did you tell him that? I told my H that when he went cold turkey last year. I said do what you have to do, but no more crazy actively drinking A in the house. So when he relapsed I warned him 6 dozen times or so (because by then I was crazy too) in maybe a week period. Then I changed the locks. It was probably illegal from what I gather and we had some text wars about it. 'Take my name off the mortgage, yada yada.' I guess you need to give a legal notice or something - but I was correct in that he knew he broke the rule I had laid down and he was OUTTA THERE. And seriously ticked off.

The thing is I had looked up rentals in my neighborhood to keep DS in the same neighborhood and school and everything was MORE than our mortgage plus we have animals. So I figured it was cheaper for crazy relapsed A to leave and get a dive apt somewhere so he could drink in peace and on the cheap. He wound up going to rehab. Of course his health insurance lapsed while he was there and mine would not pick it all up...So I know all about bleeding saving accounts and monthly budget operating in the red.

So I am just wondering if you need to put this boundary in place with your relapsed H?

Do you work? Can anyone in your family help just you if A departs home? Welcome to SR. Things do have a way of working out even though it is economically scary indeed.

lillamy

Well... then you may be stuck continuing to pay his bills and live with his craziness.
Sounds harsh but... as long as he is comfortable, he's got precious little to motivate him to clean up his act, doesn't he?

I know it's difficult when you've lived with an addict to see it this way, but you are only responsible for YOU. He is responsible for figuring out how to arrange his life. It's not your job. If you have decided you don't want this life anymore, give him a date by which you expect him to move out, and let him figure it out. He's an adult.

Hammer

So if I track that correctly -- You already cover 70% of the bills?

Or maybe more if his 30% income is already being pre-spent on Drugs and Alcohol?

Does he help particularly well with kids?

You follow where I am heading with this?

If he were zero-ed out, or maybe even sending SOME child support would you be at less than now?

Hawkeye13

You could choose to give him the gift of being responsible for himself and his recovery.

Both of you will benefit in the long run.

Good luck in this difficult time.

Springs

I am so sorry you're going through this. Before my RAH got sober I left, then after I went back to our apt. but told him he need to get a three month sublet. You can do it! He'll figure something out. Give him the dignity of his choices. I honestly believe it is better for all.

FeelingGreat

Hi Trailsky, welcome to SR and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Did you tell your husband that if he relapsed he would be out? If so he knew what was at stake, and chose to drink. If not, it might be time to set that boundary, that you will not have active drinking in your house. His choice.

You're determined not to go through the craziness again; what do you have to do to make sure you don't go through it again? If you're really determined, then do what it takes.

All your savings and security are gone; it's time to start protecting yourself. You could give him another go, but how many times and how much debt are you willing to accumulate? How much does he spend on pills and drink.

I doesn't matter where he goes, he will still be in charge of his own destiny. He started drinking again while living with an non-drinker. Chances are if you separate he'll take the opportunity to drink lots wherever he goes.

He's more likely to commit to recovery if he doesn't have you as a safety net.

Sorry - I know it's stark, but he's made his choices and if he feels the consequences he may, just may get serious.

Stung

Maybe you could just tell him how you feel and see what happens next. You don't have to have all of the answers. You know how you feel and that's great, and if you can communicate your feelings to him and make change happen to make yourself happier, then that's all you can do.

You don't have to have a plan for him. You are not responsible for him finding happiness or sobriety. But you are responsible for your own happiness. The sad truth is that he isn't thinking of you or your happiness when he chooses to drink. All he thinks about is avoiding life and consuming copious amounts of alcohol makes that happen and is going to continue to make that happen until he miraculously comes to the point where he wants to make it stop, and he may never come to that point.

Trailsky

Thank you for all the responses. We talked on Monday and I told him my boundaries and he needs to leave if he drinks. He got upset but I did not show an emotional response. I detached.

I know it's not my responsibility to take care of him and find him a place to stay. He knows this new boundary now so I will let him figure it out if he decides to drink.

I just feel numb. Hoping for change and grieving the possible loss of our marriage that is becoming more of a reality.

hopeful4

Say what you mean and mean what you say. If this is your boundary make sure you have a way to stick to it. It's not your job to figure out what to do with him if he relapses, it's your job to figure out what to do with YOU.

I am sorry. Keep coming back, we will walk this with you!

JustAGirl1971

Trailsky, just a word of caution. Just because you told him he would have to leave does not mean he will. Unfortunately, we cannot control someone else's behavior. I think it would be wise to have a back up plan for what happens if he drinks at home and refuses to leave? Maybe you leave?

When I was new to SR/alanon/recovery and struggling to establish boundaries, I made my boundary "no alcohol in the house." Well, that was good as far as I was concerned. No problem, I can just not bring it home Problem was, I couldn't control my STBXAH's actions. He didn't bring it home for awhile. But when he did? I was powerless to stop him. It turns out my 'boundary' was really an 'ultimatum' or 'expectation.' I was expecting him to follow my rules as opposed to making rules for myself.

A boundary is more for you, a fence to keep you safe. Ie, I will/will not tolerate X behavior. Therefore, then, the action must come from you. So, when your boundary is crossed, rather than expect the other person to do something about it, you do something about it. So an example would be: I will not have discussions/disagreements with a drunk. When a drunk tries to discuss something/or argue about something with me, I just walk away.

You can tell him he can't drink at home but have a plan in place for what you will do if/when he does drink at home.