TexasAngel8

I've done this before. I left my hard core AH when it finally hurt worse to stay there than it did to move through all my fears. I was numb, but I kept plopping one foot in front of the other. I couldn't imagine surviving but I did. I was finally ok again.

I always liked drinking too. I just didn't go too far like he did, but I loved a good happy hour. That continued, and I met my current BF 6.5 years ago. We clicked, probably because I was up for a good time. Happy hour eventually came every day for me. It was making me fat, making me not sleep good, making me do things I wished I hadn't, and making me drive when I wished I hadn't, and a couple of times per month I was needing a drink on my lunch break to feel better. A discovery about how stupid I'd been one night sealed the deal, so I cut alcohol almost 7 months ago. It wasn't easy but it wasn't terrible. There had been no denial -- I knew I was overindulging. At this point, I want 1 or 2, but I get that really means 6-9, and I don't want 6-9. I'm telling this part because I know the question will come of why I have another A in my life. The answer is because we fit.

Finally to the relevant part. My BF is less like my XAH and more like me. My X was Jerry Springer. My BF is a daily happy hour guy. He doesn't have work or legal issues. He's successful. He's never aggressive. He's sweet hearted. He just drinks too much basically every night. Too much is based on volume -- he doesn't get stupid, he cracks everyone up with his humor, and he functions. But I know 8-10 a weeknight and 15-20 on a weekend day is an issue.

Where it becomes a problem for me is that he meets his drinking buddies every day after work. I used to be incorporated into that about half the time, and I held my own on beer, so it worked. Now, I don't want to even go. I like being social, but sitting at a table watching beer after beer for 4-6 hours isn't fun. It's getting pretty old sitting here alone in the evenings, and yet I also get that he's not responsible for my happiness and that I should go find a hobby or something.

He's not a bad guy at all. When I compare him to my X, it's not even the same category! I don't even know what my point is. I'm just crunching all of this in my head, and getting it out helps.

LoveMeNow

How did taking your dog out of the picture work out?

Hawkeye13

TA, you sound like you are rationalizing staying with this person no matter what in your past few posts.

That is your choice and we will all respect that, but please note, as has been said many times to you by others, that alcoholism is progressive,
and that he is already well on his way if his is drinking the volume you indicate here.

Another important issue is not spending time with you.
That will decrease even more, and you can take that to the bank because that
narrowing of attention and increasing focus on alcohol and drinking buddies will happen.
Then he may start doing it alone at home (if it gets out of hand or to placate you)
and drunks are not particularly good company for sober people either.

So crunch away, but please be honest about the future as it will likely unfold with an addict.
8-10 drinks on a weeknight and 15-20 on a weekend is serious addiction, make no mistake.


Getting married, having kids, placing your future in an addict's hands is a big gamble.
If he is bugged by the dog, imagine what he would be like drunk dealing with screaming or sick kids.
You may be raising the kids alone while he's with his buddies on his endless happy hour.

TexasAngel8

You're quick! I love it! I didn't think anyone would know me yet and remember that!

I'm going to go with mixed -- he didn't drink Sunday and we hung out. Grocery shopping, cooking, playing around. He knew I was upset with him for being gone all the time as of late. Yesterday met friends but was home by 7. Today met friends and home at 8:40, although he's not drunk drunk.

FeelingGreat

Hi Angel, my quick thoughts are that if he was a normal drinker then taking a few nights off from happy hour to spend at home would not be a problem. I'm sure you know this as well. It sounds to me like he 'needs' the drink, and although the social side of it is important the drink is what he's dependent on.
Is there a realistic chance of him abstaining?
It sounds like your lifestyles and what you want from a relationship might be incompatible.

TexasAngel8

I am probably rationalizing it, yes. All the comments do help keep me trying to think straight. I appreciate tidbits of insight as I keep looking at us.

He doesn't want kids, so that specific part is a non-issue. I've always been uncertain about kids myself, so that's not a deal breaker. I will say turning 35 was scary though...I'm afraid of making a wrong decision there too. He's 47. But of course that's not really relevant.

BrokenInPieces

This is what made it so hard for me to walk away. He really is a great guy. But he drinks too much. Almost a pint of scotch... every single night.

I tried looking for hope. I tried to understand. I tried to have compassion. I tried to ignore it. I tried to tell myself it wasn't that bad. Until one night, six weeks ago (I can't believe it's been 6 weeks already), that relentless nagging in my gut found its voice and said out loud what I'd been feeling in spite of all my trying... "I'll never be ok with this".

I love that man with all my heart. But I learned from everyone here that I can't fix him. I can only fix me. He has every right to drink, and I have every right to choose not to be in a relationship with someone with an active addiction.

You will make the right choice for you, too... in your own time. Just as we all do.

spiderqueen

When I broke up with my ABF, I told him I can't be with someone who drinks to excess. I told him I loved him, and then I let him go. Hardest thing I have ever done.

I also told him I couldn't compete with his mistress whiskey anymore. She could make him feel better than I could every time.

Texas, I suspect that you will lose out to your bf's addiction more and more, and it is a lonely, lonely road. Personally, I am so much less lonely now that I am alone!

Good luck figuring things out. We're always here to listen.

marie1960

IMHO, and again this is just my opinion, it seems you are making quite a few excuses for his choices/lifestyle and in the process neglecting your own progress and growth.

But like the others have said, these are things you will have to figure out for yourself.

And the fact that you are comparing his drinking to the ex's drinking, circles back around to making an excuse (for him) that you can be comfortable with.

This isn't your first rodeo, proceed with caution.

Active alcoholics are terrible spouses, so if you are looking to get married , I can only suggest you look elsewhere. This has the potential to end in disaster..

Stung

This part:

Girl, me too. I used to love drinking with my husband when we were younger, before we had kids and major commitments. It was not uncommon for us to get blasted with our friends every weekend. We had LOTS of fun drinking together and our friends were consuming like we did. It worked for us. Until it didn't.

It doesn't work for you anymore. That gives you two choices: stay with someone who no longer fits with you or leave and find someone who does.

Fathom

Hi Texas,
I think you have gotten some good feedback on here. I have to say that the excuses and rationalizations you have put forward to us feel so familiar to me, particularly this one about kids.

I don't have kids, and haven't had the desire to. I had a cat with my XAH (boyfriend-at-the-time). I recognized at that time that we weren't really even compatible cat owners, but I could sort of let it go with a cat. I remember clearly thinking that I would never have had kids with this guy even if I wanted them. Wow! That should have been a bigger red flag for me than it was! I thought it was irrelevant, but really it's a huge sign.

Pretending for a second that I wanted to raise a family, why would I have not chosen him as my partner? Because he didn't treat my opinions with equal weight as his and didn't respect me. He was always undermining me and putting me down. Why didn't those issues raise my awareness of disfunction in our relationship? Why did i think it was ok to marry him??? good question. Somehow, I decided I could deal with it. He was wonderful in many other ways, and much more functional than I was really, so how could I complain that he generally drank a lot more than any other person I had ever spent any significant amount of time with? Maybe this was within the realm of normal, and I should just accept that and deal with it. Was I selling myself short? Yes.

I don't know when in this relationship my self-esteem took a trip without me, but I think it was pretty early on. I accepted much more than I should have, and I lost more of myself every year that I was with him.

I hope you can consider really critically why you are willing to make these excuses for your relationship. From what you have described, it doesn't sound like an equal partnership.

Wishing you peace,
Fathom

Florence

If his drinking is a problem for you, you have some tough decisions to make.

AnvilheadII

where we do and what we do with our "free" time tends to indicate a LOT about our personal set of priorities....for him, it's off to the bar EVERY DAY with his buddies to DRINK for up to 6 hours at a time. in and around that he squeezes you in for short periods, still drinks it sounds like, but doesn't get as you say DRUNK DRUNK. gee, that must make you feel so special! NOT.

if the best you can say about him is that he's not a bad guy and not your ex....i'm not sure that's what we would call a slam dunk sales pitch.

why are you settling for so little? being second fiddle? after thought?