When they're gone/How to be a better parent to the kids
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When they're gone/How to be a better parent to the kids
My STBXAH recently moved out. This is the first time I've lived alone (well as alone as you can be with 3 young adult/teens in the house, lol.) I literally moved from my dorm room into a home with AH. He is the only man I've ever loved, and my only ever serious relationship. The decision to divorce was an extremely difficult one. I think it was the first right decision that I've made in a very long time.
My home is so much more peaceful! The whole tone is different. It's like all the negativity left with him? Yes, the kids still bicker some. Yes, I still have the occasional bout of extreme sadness or anxiety. But, it honestly feels like a totally different home. It looks like a different home, too, with all his clutter gone
To be honest, I almost feel guilty feeling this content with AH alone in a tiny apartment with his bottle of smirnoff and his collection of sci-fi movies. But then, I remember that that's mostly what he did here, too. Just a different locale. I hope he's finding peace and some semblance of happiness in his new home. And, I hope he one day chooses sobriety for himself & for our children. It's not perfect. I still have to worry about DD spending the night with him. But, I'm glad he's gone.
DS15 is home! We still have lots of anger to work through but we are all under one rough (And, yes, much of that anger is directed at me. Mostly because I'm here to direct it at, but also because of my own mistakes and failures with ds.) He is still not talking to his father. It looks like reconciliation will be a long road. At this point, AH is really not making much effort towards that end, so no doubt that will make the road even longer. DS is still in counseling.
For the ACOAs or other children of dysfunctional homes, or divorced parents, what did you need/want from your functional parent? Or, what would you have liked to see them do that they didn't? Any tips or ideas to help the kids heal?
My home is so much more peaceful! The whole tone is different. It's like all the negativity left with him? Yes, the kids still bicker some. Yes, I still have the occasional bout of extreme sadness or anxiety. But, it honestly feels like a totally different home. It looks like a different home, too, with all his clutter gone
To be honest, I almost feel guilty feeling this content with AH alone in a tiny apartment with his bottle of smirnoff and his collection of sci-fi movies. But then, I remember that that's mostly what he did here, too. Just a different locale. I hope he's finding peace and some semblance of happiness in his new home. And, I hope he one day chooses sobriety for himself & for our children. It's not perfect. I still have to worry about DD spending the night with him. But, I'm glad he's gone. DS15 is home! We still have lots of anger to work through but we are all under one rough
(And, yes, much of that anger is directed at me. Mostly because I'm here to direct it at, but also because of my own mistakes and failures with ds.) He is still not talking to his father. It looks like reconciliation will be a long road. At this point, AH is really not making much effort towards that end, so no doubt that will make the road even longer. DS is still in counseling. For the ACOAs or other children of dysfunctional homes, or divorced parents, what did you need/want from your functional parent? Or, what would you have liked to see them do that they didn't? Any tips or ideas to help the kids heal?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
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Like you, I left college all-but-engaged and only ever really lived with AXH. Now we are 4 years divorced and I have the 3 children most of the time. They range in age from 12 to 6.
What I have found to be most beneficial to the children is stability, consistency and predictability. They may not enjoy every aspect of only living with me, but they know what to expect.
It's a peaceful home and we work together to keep it running smoothly. They are thriving on their routine.
I believe that the chaos and dysfunction of an Alcoholic home are destructive to children and while I occasionally grieve that my kids don't have a two-parent home, I am happy that they have me and safety and emotional security.
It only gets better.
What I have found to be most beneficial to the children is stability, consistency and predictability. They may not enjoy every aspect of only living with me, but they know what to expect.
It's a peaceful home and we work together to keep it running smoothly. They are thriving on their routine.
I believe that the chaos and dysfunction of an Alcoholic home are destructive to children and while I occasionally grieve that my kids don't have a two-parent home, I am happy that they have me and safety and emotional security.
It only gets better.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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You are already way ahead of my father, my friend. The silence, denial and dishonesty around my mother's drinking was the most detrimental thing. No one ever told me my mother's unhappiness wasn't my fault; as a child I had no choice but to assign it to myself.
I think you're doing great. Keep the lines of communication open and honest (in age-appropriate ways, of course). Make sure they know they have at least one parent they can count on to be honest with them and have their best interest at heart.
I think you're doing great. Keep the lines of communication open and honest (in age-appropriate ways, of course). Make sure they know they have at least one parent they can count on to be honest with them and have their best interest at heart.
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Location: USA
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I will always think kids are so much more perceptive than us. I am so glad your DS is home! In time I think they will see your stability, you being there for them, your actions always matching your words. You don't have to say the right thing, just mean what you say and say what you mean.
And...have some fun with them!!! I think it is very important to have fun with your kids on a regular basis for all of you!
And...have some fun with them!!! I think it is very important to have fun with your kids on a regular basis for all of you!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Unfortunately, I never had a functional parent. My mother, father, step-fathers and everyone in between were all either alcoholics or addicts. Now, with that being said, I think you have the first step well under way because you're neither of those things!
I can't say for sure because as I've said, I wouldn't know from experience, but I do truly believe that having you, their mother, sober and there for them, is just about the best thing that could possibly happen and the greatest gift you could give them. I would have given everything I had for just one normal parent that cared.
Best of luck to you and your children, I'm so happy that you're all finding some peace. I'm sure that's an extremely helpful ingredient for your children as well. And your happiness - happy parents, happy children.
I can't say for sure because as I've said, I wouldn't know from experience, but I do truly believe that having you, their mother, sober and there for them, is just about the best thing that could possibly happen and the greatest gift you could give them. I would have given everything I had for just one normal parent that cared.
Best of luck to you and your children, I'm so happy that you're all finding some peace. I'm sure that's an extremely helpful ingredient for your children as well. And your happiness - happy parents, happy children.
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 
My STBXAH recently moved out. This is the first time I've lived alone (well as alone as you can be with 3 young adult/teens in the house, lol.) I literally moved from my dorm room into a home with AH. He is the only man I've ever loved, and my only ever serious relationship. The decision to divorce was an extremely difficult one. I think it was the first right decision that I've made in a very long time.
My home is so much more peaceful! The whole tone is different. It's like all the negativity left with him? Yes, the kids still bicker some. Yes, I still have the occasional bout of extreme sadness or anxiety. But, it honestly feels like a totally different home. It looks like a different home, too, with all his clutter gone To be honest, I almost feel guilty feeling this content with AH alone in a tiny apartment with his bottle of smirnoff and his collection of sci-fi movies. But then, I remember that that's mostly what he did here, too. Just a different locale. I hope he's finding peace and some semblance of happiness in his new home. And, I hope he one day chooses sobriety for himself & for our children. It's not perfect. I still have to worry about DD spending the night with him. But, I'm glad he's gone.
DS15 is home! We still have lots of anger to work through but we are all under one rough (And, yes, much of that anger is directed at me. Mostly because I'm here to direct it at, but also because of my own mistakes and failures with ds.) He is still not talking to his father. It looks like reconciliation will be a long road. At this point, AH is really not making much effort towards that end, so no doubt that will make the road even longer. DS is still in counseling.
For the ACOAs or other children of dysfunctional homes, or divorced parents, what did you need/want from your functional parent? Or, what would you have liked to see them do that they didn't? Any tips or ideas to help the kids heal?
My home is so much more peaceful! The whole tone is different. It's like all the negativity left with him? Yes, the kids still bicker some. Yes, I still have the occasional bout of extreme sadness or anxiety. But, it honestly feels like a totally different home. It looks like a different home, too, with all his clutter gone
To be honest, I almost feel guilty feeling this content with AH alone in a tiny apartment with his bottle of smirnoff and his collection of sci-fi movies. But then, I remember that that's mostly what he did here, too. Just a different locale. I hope he's finding peace and some semblance of happiness in his new home. And, I hope he one day chooses sobriety for himself & for our children. It's not perfect. I still have to worry about DD spending the night with him. But, I'm glad he's gone. DS15 is home! We still have lots of anger to work through but we are all under one rough
(And, yes, much of that anger is directed at me. Mostly because I'm here to direct it at, but also because of my own mistakes and failures with ds.) He is still not talking to his father. It looks like reconciliation will be a long road. At this point, AH is really not making much effort towards that end, so no doubt that will make the road even longer. DS is still in counseling. For the ACOAs or other children of dysfunctional homes, or divorced parents, what did you need/want from your functional parent? Or, what would you have liked to see them do that they didn't? Any tips or ideas to help the kids heal?
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I have no advice, but I wanted to say that I'm really happy that your home is a happier place, both for your kids and you too. I think the initial separating part is the hardest and its pretty smooth sailing from there.
I think the initial separating part is the hardest and its pretty smooth sailing from there.
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stability, consistency and predictability.
I made the mistake of trying to compensate for the verbal abuse and rage at their father's house with not setting enough firm boundaries for them at my house. I wanted them to know I was always available to them, and was, and it wasn't completely healthy. Basically, I did things for them they should have done for themselves. And codependently enough, in retrospect, I'm not sure if I did it for them or for me.
I've used my kids' therapists -- not to quiz them about what the kids are saying but about how I can best help the kids where they're at. It's been great to meet with their Ts every other month or so and just check in on how my parenting strategies are working with what the Ts are seeing in the kids.
But mainly, like Stella and Kitty and others said -- build a healthy loving home. That goes a long way.
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Hi justagirl, after my (non-A) husband and I separated I made a rule of only speaking about him respectfully. If you can't do that with sincerity, try and be neutral and non-committal. It helps the kids not to feel a conflict in themselves about someone they probably love deep down.
I felt guilty about some things, but I tried not to let this influence my relationships with my 2 teens. They are experts at detecting guilt and taking advantage of it, the little darlings
So I set my boundaries with them, tried to shut up when they were talking (essential with the boys), and acted like a parent when they stepped over the line.
My son mucked up a agricultural boarding school and I was forced to be very firm with him. He told me later it was a relief to have someone insist he behave properly.
And very important to have a healthy sense of humour. Things don't seem so scary if we can laugh at them.
I felt guilty about some things, but I tried not to let this influence my relationships with my 2 teens. They are experts at detecting guilt and taking advantage of it, the little darlings
So I set my boundaries with them, tried to shut up when they were talking (essential with the boys), and acted like a parent when they stepped over the line.
My son mucked up a agricultural boarding school and I was forced to be very firm with him. He told me later it was a relief to have someone insist he behave properly.
And very important to have a healthy sense of humour. Things don't seem so scary if we can laugh at them.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 54
Open and honest communication. As I have been supporting my teens alone it requires me to basically work 7 days/week. I keep up on garden, roof cleaning, car maintenance. Many talks on how to help each other. Kids take care of mowing grass, housework, and a lot of the cooking. I just keep telling them that I am not perfect, but each day I continue to try to be the best me I can be. The peace our home feels now is so much worth the extra effort we all have to put out. We work as a team; however, I still have to set the boundaries as a parent and keep them on the straight and narrow--so to speak. Talk about alcoholism, recovery, anything they want. Be as honest as you can be. They will respect you for what you are doing, but don't look for the thanks until they probably leave home. Parenting is sometimes without praise, but you need to know in your heart that you are doing your best. AND in all of this, take time for you. Do some things you like to do, get good friends, and have some fun.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
May sound ********, but my kids still like the On The Beam, Off The Beam List. Some background here
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html
There are probably some already Poster Style ones on the Interwebs
I found this one >>>
http://www.recoverybridge.org/OnTheBeam.pdf
I sort of like that. Might do that for a wall-hanger like that for us with the three kids in the pictures.
============
So at any rate, this is how I would probably play it . . . Ask one or all of the kids for some help. Tell them that you think your family may have some Off The Beam side of things (With NOTHING to do or about the A), and that it seems maybe everyone would be happier if things were more On The Beam. But that you are not sure how to do that, but if they had any good ideas or ways to help it would be great. Whatever fits for you all. Dunno.
At any rate, when everyone all pulls in the same direction (towards Good or Bad) things move (towards Good or Bad). Check the Good Ordered Direction (yunno, G.O.D.) stuff for which direction, and ask for help on the pulling.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-off-beam.html
There are probably some already Poster Style ones on the Interwebs
I found this one >>>
http://www.recoverybridge.org/OnTheBeam.pdf
I sort of like that. Might do that for a wall-hanger like that for us with the three kids in the pictures.
============
So at any rate, this is how I would probably play it . . . Ask one or all of the kids for some help. Tell them that you think your family may have some Off The Beam side of things (With NOTHING to do or about the A), and that it seems maybe everyone would be happier if things were more On The Beam. But that you are not sure how to do that, but if they had any good ideas or ways to help it would be great. Whatever fits for you all. Dunno.
At any rate, when everyone all pulls in the same direction (towards Good or Bad) things move (towards Good or Bad). Check the Good Ordered Direction (yunno, G.O.D.) stuff for which direction, and ask for help on the pulling.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by lillamy
I made the mistake of trying to compensate for the verbal abuse and rage at their father's house with not setting enough firm boundaries for them at my house. I wanted them to know I was always available to them, and was, and it wasn't completely healthy. Basically, I did things for them they should have done for themselves. And codependently enough, in retrospect, I'm not sure if I did it for them or for me.
The boundaries thing is really hard for me when it comes to kids. I get it mixed up with expectations because the difference can be subtle. My high expectations have caused issues with the kids in the past so any advice anyone has on the difference between expectations and boundaries with teens would be greatly appreciated!
I am trying to pick the most important things that we need to work on and let everything else go. Communication, respect, honesty, and kindness are top of my list. Clean bedrooms is bottom of my list at the moment even though it's a major trigger for my anxiety. I just have to keep their doors closed and ignore the chaos.
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Thank you, everyone for all of the great feedback!
Feelinggreat, I agree on not bad talking their father. We are currently on amicable terms which makes it easier to keep everything said positive or neutral. But, I know this could change at any moment and will require vigilance on my part to not slip into negativity. I'm also really watching that I don't ask them 'fishing' types of questions about AH. I do not want my kids to feel like 'go-betweens.' If it's something I need to know, I need to ask him myself. If I can't ask him, then it's probably not my business anyway. The shutting up and listening is a big thing with my boys, too. Alanon has actually helped me in that respect.
The consensus seems to be honesty, stability, consistency, predictability, open communication, a sense of safety, and boundaries Those all sound like good things. From my past experience, I know my greatest struggles will be with setting and sticking to boundaries... and not falling into the trap of unfair expectations. We're having weekly-ish family meetings over dinner to help us stay on target.
Hammer, the on the beam/off the beam doesn't sound ********. I'm just on step one and haven't heard anything in alanon about on/off beam but it makes sense. It's probably a good gauge of whether we're meeting the goals and rules of the house that we're trying to establish through our family meetings.
Thank you all for the advice and good wishes
Feelinggreat, I agree on not bad talking their father. We are currently on amicable terms which makes it easier to keep everything said positive or neutral. But, I know this could change at any moment and will require vigilance on my part to not slip into negativity. I'm also really watching that I don't ask them 'fishing' types of questions about AH. I do not want my kids to feel like 'go-betweens.' If it's something I need to know, I need to ask him myself. If I can't ask him, then it's probably not my business anyway. The shutting up and listening is a big thing with my boys, too. Alanon has actually helped me in that respect.
The consensus seems to be honesty, stability, consistency, predictability, open communication, a sense of safety, and boundaries
Those all sound like good things. From my past experience, I know my greatest struggles will be with setting and sticking to boundaries... and not falling into the trap of unfair expectations. We're having weekly-ish family meetings over dinner to help us stay on target. Hammer, the on the beam/off the beam doesn't sound ********. I'm just on step one and haven't heard anything in alanon about on/off beam but it makes sense. It's probably a good gauge of whether we're meeting the goals and rules of the house that we're trying to establish through our family meetings.
Thank you all for the advice and good wishes
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I just want to thank you. Your posts are always so in tune to your recovery and full of wisdom. You have come a really really long ways and you really do inspire me. Thank you for sharing as you move forward in your life. I wish you and your family all the luck in the world!
God Bless!
God Bless!
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Thank you, everyone for all of the great feedback!
Feelinggreat, I agree on not bad talking their father. We are currently on amicable terms which makes it easier to keep everything said positive or neutral. But, I know this could change at any moment and will require vigilance on my part to not slip into negativity. I'm also really watching that I don't ask them 'fishing' types of questions about AH. I do not want my kids to feel like 'go-betweens.' If it's something I need to know, I need to ask him myself. If I can't ask him, then it's probably not my business anyway. The shutting up and listening is a big thing with my boys, too. Alanon has actually helped me in that respect.
The consensus seems to be honesty, stability, consistency, predictability, open communication, a sense of safety, and boundaries Those all sound like good things. From my past experience, I know my greatest struggles will be with setting and sticking to boundaries... and not falling into the trap of unfair expectations. We're having weekly-ish family meetings over dinner to help us stay on target.
Hammer, the on the beam/off the beam doesn't sound ********. I'm just on step one and haven't heard anything in alanon about on/off beam but it makes sense. It's probably a good gauge of whether we're meeting the goals and rules of the house that we're trying to establish through our family meetings.
Thank you all for the advice and good wishes
Feelinggreat, I agree on not bad talking their father. We are currently on amicable terms which makes it easier to keep everything said positive or neutral. But, I know this could change at any moment and will require vigilance on my part to not slip into negativity. I'm also really watching that I don't ask them 'fishing' types of questions about AH. I do not want my kids to feel like 'go-betweens.' If it's something I need to know, I need to ask him myself. If I can't ask him, then it's probably not my business anyway. The shutting up and listening is a big thing with my boys, too. Alanon has actually helped me in that respect.
The consensus seems to be honesty, stability, consistency, predictability, open communication, a sense of safety, and boundaries
Those all sound like good things. From my past experience, I know my greatest struggles will be with setting and sticking to boundaries... and not falling into the trap of unfair expectations. We're having weekly-ish family meetings over dinner to help us stay on target. Hammer, the on the beam/off the beam doesn't sound ********. I'm just on step one and haven't heard anything in alanon about on/off beam but it makes sense. It's probably a good gauge of whether we're meeting the goals and rules of the house that we're trying to establish through our family meetings.
Thank you all for the advice and good wishes
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Thanks, hopeful. Honestly, most of the time I feel like I'm winging it or half-assing it? Recovery is just so much work!! As much as I love coming home now (and I really do love it), I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit that being in charge of these kids by myself is terrifying! They're all good kids but ds is so angry... it comes out in defiance. Being 100% responsible for him is scary. I think he will be in biweekly counseling for a good long while. I would still like for him to attend The Landing but I'm not pushing it yet. Just trying to make up for the lost time while he was living with my parents.
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
The consensus seems to be honesty, stability, consistency, predictability, open communication, a sense of safety, and boundaries )
)My story is pretty similar to yours, and I'm raising the three kids left at home, ages 13, 16, and 19. Besides honesty and open communication, they all seem to need predictability the most, and I've worked to establish simple, sustainable routines since their dad left (because when he was here, looking back our life was kind of unpredictable!). Silly and easy stuff like, on Thursday evenings we have dinner with the grandparents.
My kids have gone to Waldorf school, and I will never forget the advice from a teacher when they were very little about how to handle them if they were angry or acting out or out of control. She said to just quietly start tidying up the area around them, put things away, clean up, put things in order, and they'd calm down. It always worked. I think of this period in my life as an extension of that. The best thing I can do for them is to have routine, and when they are jangled quietly draw order around them. I have also found that they really seem to do better if the house is clean, tidy, and pretty. I have fresh flowers out and I try to give them the smell of something baking once a week, LOL.
Good luck. I know how sad it all is, but the saddest is staying with Mr. Smirnoff and his bottle!
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Remember, you are not in charge by yourself, God has your back! Open yourself up to a wide face to face support group. It takes a village.....for the kids and the parents. Be honest with others and that will be more and more people caring about your children and watching after them just like you are.
Time does really heal alot of wounds. Be honest and open, let your actions match your words and your children will be just fine! The Landing would be great for him, but just like an adult, he would have to try it and want to do it. If not, he will just resent it. Have you let them know you are hoping he goes? My daughter "helps" with ours. They don't really need her help, but knew that would be a way to get her to go and listen and eventually, yes, participate.
You have done and are doing all the right things, for the rest, Let Go and Let God!
Time does really heal alot of wounds. Be honest and open, let your actions match your words and your children will be just fine! The Landing would be great for him, but just like an adult, he would have to try it and want to do it. If not, he will just resent it. Have you let them know you are hoping he goes? My daughter "helps" with ours. They don't really need her help, but knew that would be a way to get her to go and listen and eventually, yes, participate.
You have done and are doing all the right things, for the rest, Let Go and Let God!
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Thanks, hopeful. Honestly, most of the time I feel like I'm winging it or half-assing it? Recovery is just so much work!! As much as I love coming home now (and I really do love it), I'd be dishonest if I didn't admit that being in charge of these kids by myself is terrifying! They're all good kids but ds is so angry... it comes out in defiance. Being 100% responsible for him is scary. I think he will be in biweekly counseling for a good long while. I would still like for him to attend The Landing but I'm not pushing it yet. Just trying to make up for the lost time while he was living with my parents.
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I wholeheartedly agree with everything that has been said. It's a tough, tough balance I think - you want to keep open & honest communication but also give them space to be left alone with their thoughts & not push too hard. And teenaged boys are just SO EASY to mind-read, right? (insert sarcasm here) Let them know that even when you are worrying over them you aren't judging them for their thoughts but that sharing with you when they feel like it also helps you know when to give them their own space & time. Remind them that you are on the Same Team.
Lead by example - show & share with them the ways that YOU are improving your life and what changes you are making.
I absolutely understand this, boundaries are difficult in the best of circumstances so it gets really blurry for me when you add in the Mama Bear instinct. Sometimes I have to take a big step back & assess if "it" is something that will help "feed" DD or "teach her how to fish" and if it falls squarely into one or the other category, it's a no-brainer. If I examine my actions & find that I'm accepting her bad behavior out of guilt then I try to stop before proceeding because that generally means I'm probably not handling this situation with the right intent. *Sometimes* I can use her treatment of others as a measurement too - if she's crossing boundaries with me in a way she would never do with a coach or teacher, I point it out & ask her why she thinks it's ok & I try to get her to see the hypocrisy for herself so that she can judge her own future behavior without someone else pointing it out for her.
At the same time I am very clear about verbalizing some boundaries, mostly those relating to me getting my personal time for exercise, recovery related activities, etc. She knows the difference between my "mom" & "family" time vs. my "FireSprite" time and even refers to it that way. As moms we tend to accept crossed boundaries with our kids more easily than we would from others - it's just nature.
Lead by example - show & share with them the ways that YOU are improving your life and what changes you are making.
Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
The boundaries thing is really hard for me when it comes to kids. I get it mixed up with expectations because the difference can be subtle.
At the same time I am very clear about verbalizing some boundaries, mostly those relating to me getting my personal time for exercise, recovery related activities, etc. She knows the difference between my "mom" & "family" time vs. my "FireSprite" time and even refers to it that way. As moms we tend to accept crossed boundaries with our kids more easily than we would from others - it's just nature.
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Thank you, Soaring. That is really good advice. It makes sense, too. I have an anxiety disorder. When things are cluttered or disorganized, my anxiety spikes. Cleaning calms me and reduces my anxiety.
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971
Thanks, hopeful. Honestly, most of the time I feel like I'm winging it or half-assing it? Recovery is just so much work!!
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Remember, you are not in charge by yourself, God has your back!
I'm also really bad about asking others for help. I know it's a sign of strength to admit when we need help and yet it feels like a weakness
I need to remember that God/HP puts people in our paths... and us in other's paths in order to accomplish his plan for our lives. Not asking for help or refusing help because I don't want to appear vulnerable could be getting in the way of God & his plan. Will have to remind myself this daily! Maybe hourly
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