Catherine628

Someone just forwarded the story below to me. Someone who is obviously not aware of my situation. I think the message in it is total crap. But this is why it can be so hard to leave the addict in our lives to fend for themselves. We are sent all kinds of subtle and not so subtle messages like this. Its one thing to be kind and courteous to people, its another thing to assume you know what they need. I say "Old man you know where the ketchup is. If you can't help yourself I guess you weren't that hungry."

Pass The Ketchup

A few years ago, I met Dave LaRue. Dave is a successful businessman and thought-provoking speaker. The story below is my adaptation of an article he wrote about passing the ketchup. After reading this story, I hope you can learn from and implement the habit of passing the ketchup into your life. Enjoy!

Most of us are lucky to have many friends in our lives, but it’s been said that you are extra lucky if you have one true friend. I’ve known Morgan for over three decades. We’ve been together through thick and thin, including good fortune and hardship. We get together as often as we can, and spend a lot of time talking about our lives and plans for the future. It was during one of these conversations that Morgan shared this story with me.

On this particular Saturday, Morgan and his grandfather were lunching together; both ordered cheeseburgers and fries. When the meal arrived, Morgan grabbed the ketchup and quickly put some on his fries. Once his fries were doused in ketchup, he quickly ate them. Next he started in on his cheeseburger. Then Morgan noticed his grandfather wasn’t eating. In fact, he was staring back at Morgan with an odd look on his face. Morgan asked what was wrong; his grandfather said, “You didn’t pass me the ketchup.” Morgan was confused and said, “But grandfather, you never asked me to pass the ketchup.” His grandfather replied,
“We’ve eaten together many times and you know I love ketchup when I have a cheeseburger and fries. Isn’t that true?” Morgan responded, “Yes, it’s true.” His grandfather said, “If you want to be successful in life, you will need to learn to pass the ketchup before people ask for it.” Morgan nodded but did not fully understand the power of his grandfather’s words.

As the years went by, the message became more and more clear. Over the course of his life, Morgan made it a point, in both in his personal and professional life, to anticipate the needs of others and to take action in advance. This habit, learned over lunch with his grandfather, has been the foundation of Morgan’s success. I’ve discovered that this principle defines who and what you become in life. The motivational speaker Zig Ziglar is well known for saying, “You can have anything you want in life if you’ll just help enough other people get what they want.” It’s true. Focus on serving. Ask yourself how you can best serve others and start doing it. Start passing the ketchup! I promise that it will transform your life.
~ Lee Saude

lillamy

I laughed at the story because as a raging codependent, I would probably have made sure grandpa had not only ketchup and napkins and liked his iced tea, but also waited until he started eating before noticing my own food because I'd want to make sure he liked it and if he didn't, I'd order him something else.

And yes, this exactly:

ResignedToWait

It just sounds like an elaborate version of the Golden Rule gone awry.

AnvilheadII

i can see both sides of Pass the Ketchup. one side is being considerate, the other being ragingly codependent!

at home, for example, if i'm hauling out the cheddar cheese for a slice or two, it is considerate of me to ask my fellow cheesehead, hank, if he would like some. or more often, just slice a little extra and hand it to him. LOL right now he's diggin' on this little stash of hershey's kisses i got him and while i'm making a conscious effort to steer clear of sweets, etc, he without fail slip one into my hand when he gets some.

if we have guests over, its good manners to offer them something to drink or a snack (unless it's J who just helps himself!).

common courtesy. it's quite another thing for the OTHER person to sit there and WAIT for me to know their needs or wants IN ADVANCE and make sure to fulfill those needs before they can begin to eat!!! certainly at a more formal sit down dinner (like at a real table with chairs, etc) i was taught it is good manners to wait until everyone is seated and has food on their plates (and of course napkins IN the lap) before diving in.

i'm not sure attempting to read another's mind and provide them with what i think they need or want is a place i want to go? however i can certainly go with, well i like ketchup and just smothered my own fries with it, i can at least offer or slide it towards them!

Sungrl

I think it's kinda silly, if you want something ask for it!

fedup3

I agree with Amy, a raging codependent! God have pity on us.

theuncertainty

Well, I'd say there's a HUGE difference between being courteous and being expected to be a mind-reader. I have several friends for whom that I routinely just delete and ignore stories they forward (they either forgot I don't subscribe to their beliefs or they want to start a debate, either way...), but I think I'd have a very hard time biting my tongue and telling my friend what a cr-p story that was. Trying to anticipate everyone else's needs is a good way to overlook your own.

Knowing Grandpa likes ketchup and passing it when you're done with it because you remember is one thing. Having Grandpa just sit like a bump on a log without piping up because you forgot your manners and then lecturing you about *knowing* he would want it instead of lecturing about polite etiquette is quite another.

Anyway, it's probably a rare bird who eats all of their fries before they even take a bite of their burger. Or maybe my friends and family are just different that way.

hopeful4

I think the damn Ketchup was sitting right there and he was being difficult. Yes, you should be courteous of others. If he said "pass the Ketchup," and he did not, that is one thing. He just sat there like an oaf. I don't expect anyone to cater to my needs in life, which is what he was expecting. Sounds like setting yourself up to be a codependent nightmare always trying to figure out who needs what to be happy.

I went to lunch the other day with my friends. I ALWAYS drink a diet coke. I was late and they had not ordered it for me. I could not care less, it's a stupid soda. I can order myself, I don't expect someone else to take care of me and do it for me. They did save me a seat and let the waitress know I was coming, that was courteous. See the difference here?

Stung

I dunno. I interpreted "passing the ketchup" as a paying it forward attitude. But in a recovery mindset, grandpa needs to stay on his side of the street. Having good manners means you don't lecture other people on their manners, gramps.

Ofelie

Ugh, my ex always ate the sides before the main dish. It was weird. While codependency came to mind, I also thought dang, what a manipulative, guilt tripping old man. Someone is supposed to read his mind, and then feel guilty you didn't? sounds like my mom. Sheesh. Its a little different if the ketchup was in the kitchen and you were eating on the couch, and one guy went in to fetch some for himself...then people say HEY do you want any, I can bring it in there, or I can get some for you while I'm in here? But if its on the table in front of the both of you, within arm's reach? Sounds like his grandpa is a total pain in the ass to me.

Catherine628

I had to laugh at lillamy's reply. That's how I used to be at one point.

The part about "You can have anything you want in life if you'll just help enough other people get what they want." I'm pretty sure I operated under that philosophy for a while. It's evident in my codependent career choices. Now I think "empower them to help themselves."

Anyone ever read Ayn Rand? I read Atlas Shrugged many years ago and I remember it being somewhat of a painful read. The part of her philosophy that says your moral purpose is to put your own happiness first has always stuck with me. I'm sure I am oversimplifying it but the whole airplane/air mask thing comes to mind. It comes down to if your own needs aren't met how can you meet anyone else's needs? Interesting in the scope of recovery.

honeypig

Well, I have nothing at all useful to contribute to the discussion, but I did want to reveal myself as someone who does, in fact, eat all their fries before taking a bite of their burger.

In fact, I also eat my sides before eating my main thing, which someone else mentioned.

I've done this since I was a kid, so who the hell knows why?

Anyway, back to your discussion. Didn't want to make a major interruption, just wanted to mention that there is a weirdo in your midst and it's me!

theuncertainty

LOL, Honeypig. Maybe it's a carryover from the familiar parent mantra: "Finish all your vegetables!" (I guess I should mention that I dip my fries in my chocolate shake if I have one.)

honeypig

Now, I would say that is weird, but I guess the pot better keep its mouth shut regarding the color of the kettle, hadn't it...?

lillamy

Absolutely. I'm with you 100%. I forget who said it -- might have been someone here -- but sometimes, we "help" because it's easier than the alternative. Case in point: preschoolers who can't tie their shoes. We can teach them, but it takes forever to get out the door. We can buy them velcro shoes. Or we can do it for them. Either one of the first two alternatives is better than the third one in the long run.

Oh, and I have tried reading Ayn Rand but I find her style so difficult to digest. But you know, I think there is definitely something to self-interest being productive. If business owners didn't want to make money, us folks who are simple employees wouldn't have jobs...

Ofelie

Don't worry honeypig, I said UGH because I was hit with this vision of him eating, memories of having dinner with him after we cooked it together, etc. UGH, I didn't want to remember that little quirk about him or anything..I'm trying to get him out of my head. We would be eating dinner, say hamburgers, and I would look over, having finished my burger, and he wouldn't have even started his, because he would eat his fries, salad, dessert, whatever first.
And I dip my fries in chocolate shakes too. Yum...uh....I gotta go cuz I guess now I'm TAKING THE KIDS TO FIVE GUYS......

Catherine628

Fries and a Frosty. A favorite meal of mine from back in the days when I had a lightening speed metabolism.

Katchie

Ugh..that about sums it up

hopeful4

I have all sorts of weird eating quirks, self admitted weirdo!!!

Hammer

Bet "Morgan" did not feed "ketchup" to professional bums or A's (btw, is there a difference? tah-sha -- rim shot ).

In THIS realm, only a bartender or liquor store can feed an A "ketchup" and profit from doing so. For the rest of *us* . . . Not So Much.