gleefan

I am reposting from my feb group because I am in need of extra feedback and support.

I drank last night.



This weekend, my family stayed at a hotel with other families for our son's hockey tournament. I think I've mentioned that for a lot of parents these tournaments are about drinking. I wasn't super concerned about triggers. I thought I had a pretty decent bag of tricks from having stayed overnight last weekend with some of these families, and having been to parties where people were drinking. The first night I didn't drink.

The second night, I didn't set out to drink. In fact my husband offered to check us out of the hotel and drive us home because, as he pointed out, everyone would be drinking. I chose to stay. When he stopped at the store to buy alcohol, I didn't get anything.

Then we all started hanging out after the games. Everyone was drinking, or talking about drinking, or planning their drinking. I watched as one of the moms went from pulled together to a hot mess in the matter of three drinks. She thought she was charming and fun and flirtatious, but in reality she was overbearing and had offended the waiter (the manager told us). That's how I get when I'm drunk, and watching her was both enlightening -and triggering.

I noticed this weekend that sober me is kind of reserved, and doesn't necessarily feel the need to hang out with people. Watching the other mom made me lame and boring and left out of all the fun. Halfway through dinner I ordered a drink. Then I ordered another to have while we all hung out afterwards. It was fun! I felt more connected with what everyone was doing! Then I ordered a bottle of wine. After the third glass the night got fuzzy. I pieced together that I smoked cigarettes outside, and assembled a group of people to do shots. After that I blacked out. I think it's ironic that feeling connected socially is a trigger for me to drink, yet alcohol -- at least in the amounts I consume -- shuts down my brain so I can't connect.

I woke up this morning with vomit in my hair, an enraged husband, and scared kids, ages 7 and 9. I have a terrible headache. I can't quench my thirst. My anxiety level is high. I wanted to log on and share my story as soon as I got up but I haven't been able to think clearly enough to do it til now, 3:00 in the afternoon. I don't want to waste any more of my brief, precious time on earth with hangovers!

I'm trying to figure out how I feel, not how I "want to" feel, but what I feel in my gut.

--I'm disappointed in myself for letting down my family, again, with the aftermath of my drinking.

--I'm sad that my husband drinks 3-4 days a week and can't/won't quit.

--I feel a need to be connected to others, and in addition to working full time I do volunteer work to fill that need.

--AA makes sense for a social person. I had to go to a local AA meeting for my DUI class, and most of the people were old and the young ones were needy, over sharing hot messes. Plus it's hard to fit into my family's schedule.

--I need to know that I'm not a hopeless mess.

Goldcoastgirl

I just want to reach thru this site and give you a big hug and tell you it is ok. I know how scared you are now. I slipped on the weekend too, not quite as drunk but still enough to beat myself up. Whatever we are doing is not working well enough for us. I too am in that place where I think I am "missing out" by not drinking and somehow need to banish that thought forever. I think I need to do something like AA but would prefer a non- religious based group but there is nothing else around me. Tell your husband how scared you are, let him see the raw pain, that this is not a choice for you but a serious problem that you need help and understanding with while you seek professional help. Please let me know how you are. Tomorrow will come and the pain will lessen. Much love xxx

Dee74

I'm sorry you drank gleefan.

Many nights I was an over needy hot mess when I was drinking - or loud and obnoxious.

Many many nights ended with me sleeping where I fell, vomit in my hair. Many mornings I woke up with fragmented memories of me and inappropriate behaviour.

I've done it all - but none of those things are me.
They were me on alcohol.

I decided to get the real me back - that meant not drinking, but it also meant finding more support, and changing my lifestyle.

I became very good at forecasting what kind of events I'd likely be in trouble at, and at reaching out for help before I got into trouble.

None of what I did is beyond you gleefan

I think the fundamental step is we have to accept our problem - and accept we need to do something about it.

You can do that - you need never feel this way again

D

Dee74

GCG - sorry you slipped too.
That's really good insight

Is that SMART meeting I mentioned before worth the drive if only just to check it out?

D

least

You're not hopeless. None of us are. You've got to do something different for your sobriety to keep it going. I used to think I was hopeless but I've got over four years sober now, so if I can do it, you can too.

swindon32

Don't beat yourself up Hun, just do your best to stay sober and you'll naturally feel happier x

gleefan

Gcg - thank you for understanding. It means a lot.

Dee - thanks for the perspective. I went to one AA meeting 3 years ago because I was mandated to by court. I didn't want to stop drinking at the time.

darkfaith

I'm no expert with only just over a week sober under my belt but just wanted to send positive vibes and support through.

As hard as it is remember the feeling of waking up with that hangover and why you don't want to be there again. Talk to your husband, communication is key so I've recently found out.

Try some new activities and new social handouts to find like minded people that you can connect to without having to drink. I know my biggest fear is that I will be alone and have no close friends because they all drink and every single activity we seem to do revolves around drinking. So I need to look for some new places and people to hang out with.

Good luck and you had 22 days sober that's fantastic work. You can do this.

Goldcoastgirl

Certainly something to think about Dee. I will give them a call and have a chat first. It's crazy because the Gold Coast is an area that really needs more groups like that, this place is a mecca for drinking. I will let you know how I go and thank you for your support, it is invaluable and much treasured x

Randummy

22 days is a short amount of time to go before throwing yourself into an intense situation like that. I went three days and went to a big family wedding and not drinking was so hard, but waking up the next morning and not feeling like a sack of **** really felt good!
I've had to start again though and I guess want I'm trying to say is that starting again is alright, just pick up where you left off and even though you feel crappy right now, you sound pretty self-aware and I think that's great.
With regards to AA, I don't attend AA meetings but I would say that there are a lot other resources available (such as this website) and there's often a drug and community program in most towns which you might be able to get access through via self-referral. I attend a community centre and I really recommend it. It's a lot of group therapy, talking, recovery ideas etc.

Dee74

Yeah Australia seems to lag behind a little GCG

WFS is not in Australia but they have a strong online presence (might be worth a read for you too gleefan?)
Women for Sobriety, Inc.

and I've heard good things about LifeRing but there are no meetings in Qld. There is a book in the local GC library system tho

Empowering Your Sober Self
The LifeRing Approach to Addiction Recovery
by Martin Nicolaus

D

SeaScape

I hope you feel better. It's hard getting the support in place to stop drinking - can you get some more support? You want to so with the right tools you can

FreeOwl

well... that's a lousy way to learn an important lesson, but it happened so don't get down on yourself over it.

It's more evidence that sobriety is the right choice for you.

I feel for you - hockey is a drinking vortex. I've seen those hockey-parent bar weekends.... you're probably better off either not going or else just heading up to the room to watch movies and drink fancy sparkling water after hitting the gym

I make that last recommendation because that's exactly what I did last night in Vegas while all of my colleagues were out drinking and whooping it up half the night. I felt really good this morning... went out for a run, was up super early getting stuff done... didn't have any vomit in my hair or anywhere else. But boy, do I know what that feels like because sister, I have BEEN there.

Dust yourself off and work a program of sobriety. It's going to be hard with a husband who sounds like he's solidly into the drinking scene and a circle of heavy-drinking friends but you can still do it. Focus on YOU and do the things you need to maintain your sober path.

gleefan

Thanks free owl. Hockey parents and heavy drinking seem to go hand in hand. But you're right that they don't have to, at least not for me. I never even thought of hanging out in my hotel room and enjoying a sober night listening to music, reading, watching movies, but that sounds really nice for a busy mom.

Thanks for the support group recommendations. I'll look into what's in my community. A women's group could be a great match for me.

Anna

I think this sentence speaks volumes. That was me, always out there doing things and trying to connect with people. What I realized in recovery is that I was avoiding being by myself. I didn't like myself, didn't want to spend time with myself. Maybe you need to connect with yourself, the real you, and then your yearning for connecting with other people will be more manageable.

You are not a lost cause, but I think it's really important to stay away from alcohol and people who are drinking for a long time. It was many months before I felt comfortable being around alcohol. And, yes, I am more reserved in recovery, and I am okay with that. It's a small price to pay for the peace of recovery.

Hevyn

Hi gleefan. I remember so many aftermaths like that! I finally got tired of pretending I could manage a drink or two. It was always 10 drinks - and regrettable behavior. It's hard to say what finally convinces us - but it sounds like you're ready to stop taking chances with it. I like your attitude - and the fact that you wanted to discuss what happened. You can do this, there's no doubt.

Notmyrealname

Sorry to hear your weekend went sideways. Amazing how a couple of drinks can upset the whole applecart and send an otherwise pleasant outing to spiraling into a flaming wrecked catastrophe, but that's how it works for a lot of us.

It is likely you will someday again be presented with an opportunity to drink. This anecdote would be a good one to recall to put things in perspective at that time.

I know part of what helped me quit was, instead of thinking about how I'd feel after those first 1-2 drinks, I started thinking about how I'd feel waking up after 11-12 drinks, at 3am with pounding headache, cottonmouth, heart going ninety miles an hour, and no recollection of the later part of the previous evening. Because it might not be tonight, it might not be tomorrow night, but every time I started back drinking it seemed like a mean bender was just around the corner.

Sorry about your bad night

gleefan

I definitely suffer from fear of missing out. I'm not completely certain why, but your suggestion to reconnect with myself, to figure out what my interests and passions are, is a good one. I need to cultivate interests outside of alcohol. Wine has been my sole hobby for a long time.

Dee74

I did too gleefan- but ironically I missed out on most things because I was either blacked out or totally unconscious in a corner somewhere.

D

gleefan

Thanks Hevyn. It's comforting to know that people understand the complicated intersection between the desire to quit and compulsion to drink.