Pamel

I've just been doing some thinking here about how we addicts manage to make everyone's life miserable, including our own. Time for some serious, not amends, per se, but understanding (for want of a better word).

My long-suffering bf brought up a lot of things last night that he believes need attention in our relationship, and frankly I am not much in a mood to do. Say what? Not in "much of a mood"? I don't think those were words that came to mind with him when he was handling mess after mess that I created.

Maybe it's time to be less selfish and address some of his "needs" in the way he has expressed them. (Affection leads the list.) It sounds simple and obvious enough; but considering the hell from which I have emerged it is all too often easy to forget the hells he endured.

Taking some action while still thinking on this…. he deserves the best of me now.

KateL

Well now he has you back I am sure he sees he's got a goodun xxxx

Recovering2

Thank you for sharing this Pamel. I had this discussion with my RABF a few weeks ago. I endured several years of pain and anguish when his addiction was active. He has now been sober and working a true recovery program for 15 months. I am grateful every day. But I have felt that the one thing that wasn't on his recovery "plan" was me. AA, counseling, service work, self care....where am I in that plan? I told myself I would give him the first year, but now I need to see some effort put into "us". Thankfully, he got it and admitted he had been unaware until I brought it up. We now have a date night on the calendar each week. Simple enough...and I'm happy.

Congrats on your sobriety. Plan a "date night"....I promise you it will do a lot for your BF and your relationship.

Hammer

Pamel, you are REALLY making *our* typical A look pretty crappy by comparison, right now.

HopefulinFLA

Great post Pamel!

And it was hell too. I can't tell you many nights I just sat and bawled without restraint. I don't think my RAH has any real concept of what I went through right along side him. Your BF is a lucky guy to have someone like you.

I really appreciate you posting in this forum. It's always helpful to hear the A's perspective. Thank you!

Pamel

Thanks all; I appreciate the replies. When I post a thread it is usually because I have discovered a rat's nest (I wonder what the difference is from, say a bird's nest? ...a squirrel's nest? I'm digressing.).

So rat's nest in my life where I stash things without knowing it. This newly discovered nest was disguised by things like:

"What about me? What about MY needs?"
"Hey, you (the bf) aren't perfect EITHER!"
"I'm STILL not happy in this relationship."

Cleaning this particular house means getting out of my own head and remembering that I am NOT the center of the universe. And a corollary: People DO care about me (self-hatred is a big part of addiction).

Thanks for helping me.

DoubleBarrel

If someone is recovering using the 12 steps, they should be making amends to you. I know I put a lot of focus on my relationships.

Early on, we practice first things first. Without staying sober and taking care of ourselves first, the rest cannot follow.

If things are moving in the right direction, you have reason to be hopeful things will get there.

I certainly understand where you are coming from. After dealing with everything, it has been expressed to me how exasperating it is to NOW have to deal with recovery. ugh.

FireSprite

No matter which side of the equation we are standing on, it is so hard sometimes to appreciate the other person's perspective, isn't it?

They may be uncomfortable, but I really think these are great thoughts to be having in recovery & even better when you examine them the way you are instead of justifying or ignoring it. Keep it up Pamel, you are doing great in your appraoch to recovery!

(PS - I think the rat's nest vs. bird's nest is a reference to how rats build their nests more wantonly, without form or function, based around the odds & ends that they are randomly attracted to... whereas birds build a home for comfort & function.)