Guess who's coming home

Old 02-20-2014, 09:18 AM
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Guess who's coming home

So...I was at the therapists office when AH calls. I didn't answer. I waited until my session was over, went to the bathroom, got to my car..piddled..then called him back. I was not going to and did not ask him to come back home though I could tell he was fishing for me to do that. His quackery was that he feels no one wants him around so that's why he left. My response was that he's right..If he is drunk and home we don't want him around. Sober working his program husband and dad we do want around. I told him these feelings the family has we've had for years, he's just now sober enough for see clearly the damage to the family from alcohol and he is showing up late to the party. News flash, we don't like alcoholism, how are we suppose to feel about it??? And with his cowardly text, how are we even sure he didn't leave just so he could drink in private?? Whatever he says isn't believable at this moment and I told him that. So, he asked if he could come home. I told him I never threw him out and to do what is best for his recovery, that I would be fine one way or another. He was silent. Then he decided it was best for his recovery if he were home with his family. I told him that's fine, but there will not be the status quo. He HAS to work his program, get a sponsor, and stay clean. No drunks allowed at practice, driving, or at home -- no drunk.
I realize that him staying sober w/o a relapse is probably zero chance. If and when that happens, then we will separate. Maybe he isn't going to like this new me. I didn't cry. I didn't feel much during that conversation really. Not sure if thats good or bad. I could, however, hear his anguish. It was sad, or pitiful. Well, we'll give it a whirl.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:30 AM
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Then he decided it was best for his recovery if he were home with his family.

What else is he doing for his recovery, besides moving home?

More important- how are YOU doing? Take care, and stay strong on your boundaries! If he doesn't like it, he can go soak his head in your new dishwasher.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:31 AM
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Katchie--what do you feel is best for Your recovery?

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Old 02-20-2014, 09:38 AM
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I've started working the steps with my sponsor who I have called twice now. I went to my 3rd therapy session this morning. I told my AH exactly what I want and what I won't tolerate. I'm feeling pretty bold at the moment. I don't know if us because of anger or what, but my therapist thinks anger is or can be a good vehicle for needed change. She just might be right.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:42 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Katchie--what do you feel is best for Your recovery?

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What is best for my recovery is to keep working on myself and moving toward a more independent me. Also I believe it's good for me to give H this shot. I wasn't going to ask or beg him to come home. I was not going to be the first to pick up the phone and call him. That was his responsibility. In the past I probably would have begged and pleaded. All I can say is that today I feel strong.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:44 AM
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Katchie,

Do you want him home? Yesterday, he LEFT you and your kids via text two days after telling you that everything was alright, which was three days after suggesting you separate and he move out.

I am sure you want your family back in one solid piece under one roof, but he has not changed at all. He is not a well man and whatever he is up to is not working for your family. This is not a healthy man to have around you or your kids. He already knows you don't want him to drink and that she shouldn't drink. None of either of your words amount to much right now. Remember actions, not words. His actions show you where he is and who he is right now. The poor baby wants his cushy home life and to separate as he needs (things he doesn't want you to see or know about).

I am so sorry for your predicament and I know it is an emotional upheaval that you want to end. You are volunteering for more mind f*cking by welcoming him back right now.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I've started working the steps with my sponsor who I have called twice now. I went to my 3rd therapy session this morning. I told my AH exactly what I want and what I won't tolerate. I'm feeling pretty bold at the moment. I don't know if us because of anger or what, but my therapist thinks anger is or can be a good vehicle for needed change. She just might be right.
When he goes against your wishes, are you prepared to act?
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:45 AM
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Well done Katchie! A++
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:46 AM
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I've started working the steps with my sponsor who I have called twice now. I went to my 3rd therapy session this morning. I told my AH exactly what I want and what I won't tolerate. I'm feeling pretty bold at the moment. I don't know if us because of anger or what, but my therapist thinks anger is or can be a good vehicle for needed change. She just might be right.
You sound strong and like you have a lot of resolve.

Would you be comfortable with telling him that leaving and informing you via text is unacceptable, and that if he chooses to leave again, you will expect him to stay gone until he has X months of sobriety under his belt? I don't know if that's reasonable, or even good, but it's just a thought I had?
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:48 AM
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Hi Katchie,

I would suggest that when he shows up, you immediately set your boundaries and rules. Lay it out there so he knows that there will be ZERO tolerance for his drinking and stick to your word....

Both you and your children deserve and need a sober life. While I truly hope that he will see the error of his ways and get and stay sober, PLEASE do what is best for both you and your children.

I know what it is like to live with an alcoholic father. Every day, mine would walk in the house already drunk... with a fifth of whiskey in his hand. Yes, EVERY DAY there would be a new bottle!! He would verbally and mentally abuse my Mother and my Brother and I until he passed out for the night. The trauma he caused eventually contributed to the suicide of my brother. I live with lingering effects of his behavior to this day.

I can see that you are holding your children as your #1 priority, PLEASE continue to do so.
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Old 02-20-2014, 09:56 AM
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Katchie, just as the 12 steps work for us they also work for them. We can't control if they're actively following the steps any more than we can control the drinking, but we can set boundaries for ourselves. You're long past the "if only he'd quit drinking..." stage. I was stuck there for a long time, not realizing that wasn't the same as working at recovery. You're doing great.

As you keep working on your own recovery, you'll be able to handle whatever comes. Great thoughts above on laying out what you need ahead of time. Recovery is hard and learning to communicate is hard. Kudos for making gigantic strides for yourself.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:01 AM
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"Somebody wants HIS cake, and to eat it too," comes to mind here.

I agree 1000% with MissFixit, 48 hours ago he had an entirely different agenda.

Quite frankly, I smell a rat.

Proceed with utmost caution.

I really respect how you are attempting to do right by you and the kids. And I hate to sound negative or discouraging, but if you allow it, HE will throw that monkey wrench in the mix, and try to sabotage your own personal recovery.

I view his actions, as a means to regain control. The simple fact that you are not engaging every step of the way, currently has him scrambling, personally, I do not believe he has an effin CLUE/ or maybe it's the alcoholic mantra coming out , LIE, LIE, DENY, BLAME others, and shift the focus.........
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:08 AM
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I have realized today that I'm stronger than he is. I will talk to him about how unacceptable his text was and that won't happen again without his long vacation from us. I just feel different today and I'm not sure how to explain it.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:13 AM
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Originally Posted by Katchie View Post
I have realized today that I'm stronger than he is.
I love this, Katchie. ((((hugs))))
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:25 AM
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.

The text is a small example of crazy insanity you are currently living.

in he big picture of life, it's about so much more than the text.

his inability to CHOOSE to love, honor, respect, and protect his family is the problem.

And yes, you are strong, remember you are the sober mind in this marriage.

trying to communicate with an active alcoholic, has the same result, as using a strainer to hold a glass of water.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:31 AM
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Go Girl! You are on the right track now! Just be prepared for adversity to your new found conviction! The guilt and manipulation will more than likely show up to break you down. And it is cunning and baffeling... Remember its hard to loose an alcoholic and recovery is work on both sides of the street. If he wants his family, it has to be healthy...if nothing changes, them nothing changes.
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by marie1960 View Post
I view his actions, as a means to regain control. The simple fact that you are not engaging every step of the way, currently has him scrambling, personally, I do not believe he has an effin CLUE.
I tend to agree. He's King-Baby-ing all over the place trying to figure out which way is up because things have changed. The addiction is out of the closet, you are getting independent & asking questions & he is losing control. He probably doesn't even realize he feels that way, yet. He's just scrambling right now.

Here's the thing to remember Katchie - you don't know what he is capable of at this point because NEITHER DOES HE. He cannot guess what his next move will be, this is all new territory to him & none of his go-to methods of handling things are working any longer. I'll bet almost every recovering A will tell you that they would never have believed themselves capable of some of the things that they've done during desperate moments while drinking or dry-drunking (for lack of a better term).

That's why so many of us are trying to get you to think a step ahead of where you are and being proactive rather than reactive with things like the money, etc.

I'm really happy for you that you are woke up feeling so strong today! You are doing great!
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:36 AM
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What did he do during his sleep away camp out? order take out and watch TV?

spend the family funds? withdraw MORE $$ from the account to cover this? run up the credit cards?

I hope that you make getting back your parents $$ they left to you a strong priority....because as someone (marie1960)? said, I also smell a rat. he is up to something and I think that last night was just the tip of the iceberg.

(i'm sorry to say this and i hope I am incorrect)
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:37 AM
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Katchie, I've been following your story here since you joined. I don't have any words of true wisdom since I'm still living with my AH but I can tell you that I've learned that words mean nothing. I've heard it all and then heard him lie about ever saying those things ever before. Then, he'd accuse me of lying about what he said and we'd be back on the crazy train over and over again.

With that said, please watch the actions and take care of you and your own actions. Try not to get hooked into his words. One of my friends in Al Anon with 20 years of program behind her told me once that my AH likes to go fishing: fishing for sympathy, fishing for an easy fix to his problems, fishing for someone else to blame, fishing for the comfort zone that I provide so well for him. You get the picture. He did it all with his words but now I look at his actions and sure enough after a month or so of good behavior, he's back at the bad actions. It never takes him long to slip and since he's not working a real recovery program, the slip(emotional, spiritual, going back to drinking, whatever) becomes the norm.

So, whatever you do: take care of YOU!!!! HUGS!
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Old 02-20-2014, 10:43 AM
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I know I have no experience so you can disregard this post if you wish. But I have a big mouth so I'm going for it.....I'm scared for you. It doesn't sound right to me. Something smells fishy. I don't trust him. I think he will hurt you again. Ok I said it. Good luck Honey.
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