Controlling Behaviors
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Controlling Behaviors
Can we talk about how to STOP controlling behavior? This is a major issue for me. I know how it developed - years of living with codependent alcoholics and a controlling/codependent mother. The more my world spins out of control, the more I attempt to exert my control on others. Got that. What I don't know is how to break it. I've started with awareness. Sometimes, I am aware enough to recognize it when I'm doing it but more often, I recognize it after the fact. On a rare occasion, I recognize it before I act. I am assuming the more I focus on it, the quicker I will recognize it?
Some of the things that I've done/am doing to try to stop this behavior:
Some of the things that I've done/am doing to try to stop this behavior:
- Made a list of things I can control and things I can not control (probably need to review this daily/add to it?!)
- Pray frequently for my HP/God's will and plan for my life
- Journal each day, specifically listing all areas where I found myself exhibiting controlling behavior
- Started working step 1 in al-anon
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Haha, I hear you. I am controlling and impatient too. I think you're definitely on the right track with awareness. The more you develop it the easier it gets. I am obviously nowhere NEAR stopping my controlling behaviors completely but I am getting better. Posting here before voicing my opinions or "suggestions" (lol) helps a lot. It takes effort to stop and think about what we're doing because it is so ingrained. I literally have to tell myself to keep my mouth shut and let it go.
Keep at it, lady! You're doing great.
Keep at it, lady! You're doing great.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
This might seem sillly...but I found that instead of immediately reacting to something, choosing silence helps. For me, I always had to respond to the crazy stuff and then it just went round and round. Since I stepped out of the chaos, and am trying to work on me, I am working on silence. That means I don't have to jump in and try to solve someone else's problems for them. I don't need to offer up a solution to anything and everything that is happening around me. Sometimes it helps to just sit back and observe. Sit and think about what I might do, or not do, but not say a thing or get involved. I think people in our society talk too damn much. Maybe we should spend more time listening, I bet it would be astounding the sorts of things we would hear if we only just listened.
Not sure if I am making sense or if this is even relevant. Its just what popped in my head when I read your post.
Not sure if I am making sense or if this is even relevant. Its just what popped in my head when I read your post.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Ofelie 
I think people in our society talk too damn much. Maybe we should spend more time listening, I bet it would be astounding the sorts of things we would hear if we only just listened.
In addition to what others have said, one big thing that helped me was to step back & ask myself...
Do I even WANT control of this? Does it matter TO ME?
I was pleasantly surprised to learn that no, most often, I did not crave the control... I was just used to having it, and felt an obligation to do it. It has helped me to recognize between what I really want to take accountability for & what I could stop obsessing over.
For example - it was always left to me to handle the holiday schedule for the whole family, but I never cared what we did when. It was more that no one else WANTED to be in charge so I got used to filling that role. So I took that one off my list & even though I had verbalized to everyone that they needed to step up, it took them a while to realize exactly what I meant. They would continue calling me, "What's going on? What are we DOING?"
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Originally Posted by fedup3
Ofelie, I agree with the silence it gives me a chance to either calm down, process what is being said and answering appropriate or not answering at all.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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a great exercise in control is to go stand on the beach, cross your arms I dream of Jeanie style, and command the tides to turn. or stare up at the sun in the sky and demand that it set, now. drink 50 ounces of water and then inform your bladder that YOU are in control and there will be no trips to the restroom.
i see what you are aiming at here...but i also see somebody trying to control their control issues! how about pick one thing, and work on getting good at that? when we learn a new language we really can only learn a few words at a time, thru repetition. nor do they hand us Dante's Inferno in it's original Italian language and ask us to transcribe it on our first day of class.
Easy does it, sister!
i see what you are aiming at here...but i also see somebody trying to control their control issues! how about pick one thing, and work on getting good at that? when we learn a new language we really can only learn a few words at a time, thru repetition. nor do they hand us Dante's Inferno in it's original Italian language and ask us to transcribe it on our first day of class.
Easy does it, sister!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm a bossy kind of controlling "stop doing that, do this, come here, wear this, etc."
What I'm trying to do is be more of an observer and less of an operator, which is challenging. But keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself is tantamount for that. Unless someone specifically asks me what I think, I try to shut my trap, especially as it pertains to my husband. In regards to my 2 year old I try to just let her learn through her own experiences (falling down, getting stuck, wearing mismatched clothes, etc.) because she's actually fighting me tooth and nail for independence over EVERYTHING. I've taken the mindset that unless its hurting her, it's probably fine. Kind of applies to the rest of the world too.
What I'm trying to do is be more of an observer and less of an operator, which is challenging. But keeping my thoughts and opinions to myself is tantamount for that. Unless someone specifically asks me what I think, I try to shut my trap, especially as it pertains to my husband. In regards to my 2 year old I try to just let her learn through her own experiences (falling down, getting stuck, wearing mismatched clothes, etc.) because she's actually fighting me tooth and nail for independence over EVERYTHING. I've taken the mindset that unless its hurting her, it's probably fine. Kind of applies to the rest of the world too.
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i also see somebody trying to control their control issues!
Yep, that's what I do. I accept what I can't control and then I control the hell out of the things I can. I've started with not reloading the dishwasher correctly after my husband does it his way. I have to take deep breaths but it's a start.
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Some suggestions:
1. Stay on your side of the street...stay inside your own hoola-hoop....LOL
2. Stop and ask yourself if this is something a typical "mother" would say or do for her brood---and don't do it.
3. Stop being passive-aggressive. Deal directly with your feelings and deal directly by asking for what you want/need. Say what you mean; mean what you say; and, don't say it mean!!
4. Recognize that others are indeed separate and distinct individuals. Afford them the right to run their own lives--you do not have the right to insert your thoughts, needs and desires ahead of yours. They have no right to do it with you either.
5. To the extent that you are trying to control others--it parallels the extend to which you have relinquished control over your own life.
6. You don't have to show up for every fight that you are invited to---you have a choice about this...
7. Remember that the world spins on it's own axis every day completely without your help.
8. Don't do anything for someone else that they should and can do for themselves. Remember that everyone that you "rescue" or enable when they should have done it for themselves---they will resent you down the l ine and you will go from becoming rescuer to victim. (codependency no more)
These are just some thoughts that might help you to become mindful about your own behaviors when you are doing self-examination....
Good luck.....
dandylion
1. Stay on your side of the street...stay inside your own hoola-hoop....LOL
2. Stop and ask yourself if this is something a typical "mother" would say or do for her brood---and don't do it.
3. Stop being passive-aggressive. Deal directly with your feelings and deal directly by asking for what you want/need. Say what you mean; mean what you say; and, don't say it mean!!
4. Recognize that others are indeed separate and distinct individuals. Afford them the right to run their own lives--you do not have the right to insert your thoughts, needs and desires ahead of yours. They have no right to do it with you either.
5. To the extent that you are trying to control others--it parallels the extend to which you have relinquished control over your own life.
6. You don't have to show up for every fight that you are invited to---you have a choice about this...
7. Remember that the world spins on it's own axis every day completely without your help.
8. Don't do anything for someone else that they should and can do for themselves. Remember that everyone that you "rescue" or enable when they should have done it for themselves---they will resent you down the l ine and you will go from becoming rescuer to victim. (codependency no more)
These are just some thoughts that might help you to become mindful about your own behaviors when you are doing self-examination....
Good luck.....
dandylion
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
I'm working on this, too. So many of us controlling codies!!
I focus on awareness of what is and is not my responsibility, on how I am feeling and why, and I ask myself a lot of questions - why do I feel responsible for this? What will happen if I take action? If I don't? Etc., etc.
I take a lot more time now to sit and think - understand my feelings and get my thoughts in order. That really helps.
And I practice on every situation I can. For example, a good friend's husband just lost his job (she's a SAHM, 3 kids), and he asked if he could use me for a reference and for some tips on interview questions. I only gave him the information he requested. My RAH asked if I/we should offer more to them...I told him no, they are responsible for themselves and I would only be providing the help requested - I'm done offering more of myself to everyone...that's part of how I got here.
I focus on awareness of what is and is not my responsibility, on how I am feeling and why, and I ask myself a lot of questions - why do I feel responsible for this? What will happen if I take action? If I don't? Etc., etc.
I take a lot more time now to sit and think - understand my feelings and get my thoughts in order. That really helps.
And I practice on every situation I can. For example, a good friend's husband just lost his job (she's a SAHM, 3 kids), and he asked if he could use me for a reference and for some tips on interview questions. I only gave him the information he requested. My RAH asked if I/we should offer more to them...I told him no, they are responsible for themselves and I would only be providing the help requested - I'm done offering more of myself to everyone...that's part of how I got here.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
After reading this thread I've realized that my earlier post was all about control. Trying to control the future and whether my BF will drink again. I CANNOT CONTROL THAT!!!!! We just talked and he's feeling better today. He started rattling off about his recovery and what's working for him and what isn't. I was just silent. Didn't ask any questions or offer any opinions. If I were the one who had approached the subject I'm sure it would have been irritating. I don't have to "make" him share. He wants to share with me, but not when he's in a ****** mood. I wouldn't either.
Lesson learned for today. Thanks, peeps!
Lesson learned for today. Thanks, peeps!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I guess for me...it was just to stop allowing it....or stopping myself from allowing it.
I've been away from my XA for almost 4 years now. We have 2 children so unfortunately I still have to deal with him in regards to the kids.
I almost had to laugh this morning tho.......I receive a text from him Saying "why are you friends with J on facebook? Dump her off of there IMMEDIATELY!"
I'm thinking...listen XA........it's not my fault she has a restraining order on you, and that has nothing to do with me. What part of your delusional world makes you think you can tell me what to do in any way, shape or form?! My only response was "we seem to do better when we keep our conversations strictly related to the kids" I was pretty proud of that. Now he's threatening to take me to court for being her friend on Facebook. He doesn't want J seeing anything related to his kids.
Aren't they precious?
I've been away from my XA for almost 4 years now. We have 2 children so unfortunately I still have to deal with him in regards to the kids.
I almost had to laugh this morning tho.......I receive a text from him Saying "why are you friends with J on facebook? Dump her off of there IMMEDIATELY!"
I'm thinking...listen XA........it's not my fault she has a restraining order on you, and that has nothing to do with me. What part of your delusional world makes you think you can tell me what to do in any way, shape or form?! My only response was "we seem to do better when we keep our conversations strictly related to the kids" I was pretty proud of that. Now he's threatening to take me to court for being her friend on Facebook. He doesn't want J seeing anything related to his kids.
Aren't they precious?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: TX
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...3-control.html
Just spent all evening reading this new section. Highly recommend ALL of it!
Just spent all evening reading this new section. Highly recommend ALL of it!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
Wow! So much great information & tips in this thread! Thank you, everyone And, yes, Anvil, most definitely I am trying to control my control issues! The good thing is I am constantly questioning my motives, so I'm hopeful I'll get it right at some point! I think it all comes down to impatience. I want to be healthy & happy so I can move on with my life RIGHT NOW.
On the being quiet & listening thing, that's one of the many things I love about Alanon. I have to wait my turn to speak and listen to the members. It's already helping me irl. I'm not interrupting people as much (one habit I absolutely hate about myself!) and I'm a better listener.
Thank you, everyone!!
And, yes, Anvil, most definitely I am trying to control my control issues! The good thing is I am constantly questioning my motives, so I'm hopeful I'll get it right at some point! I think it all comes down to impatience. I want to be healthy & happy so I can move on with my life RIGHT NOW. On the being quiet & listening thing, that's one of the many things I love about Alanon. I have to wait my turn to speak and listen to the members. It's already helping me irl. I'm not interrupting people as much (one habit I absolutely hate about myself!) and I'm a better listener.
Thank you, everyone!!
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