formyboys

and I just wish he would drink....that is terrible and I feel like a lousy person.
He is still with his girlfriend who drinks a lot, and going on about his life like it is wonderful but cant maintain a relationship with his only son....goes back and forth between verbal abuse and asking me how I am and sending me bday presents...its insane.

I wish his life would hit bottom but he says he already has and he is a new and better man...but not working a program or making any kind of amends to his son.

I sent him a message like I do every year telling him congratulations but I felt like a hypocrite...because I wish he would just drink and get it over with. so I can say I told you so I suppose....I am a terrible person. and just as crazy as him.

Ofelie

You aren't a bad person, honey, you are just human. Its sickening when they escape accountability while the rest of us are left to just sort of dredge ourselves up from the abyss of their chaos.

FeelingGreat

Hi formyboys, I'm sorry you're still coping with the aftermath of the destruction he wrought. I hope I don't sound harsh when I say you are still too invested in what he is or isn't doing. Is he drinking, will he drink, is he abusive, acknowledge my birthday, what does he say about his life, his girlfriend…..
I'm not sure of your son's age, but you may need to leave their relationship to sort itself out. You hovering on the sidelines hasn't helped so far, and it may even make things worse.
Have you considered a support group like Al-anon, or individual therapy to help you move on and start concentrating on yourself? You hubby is gone, he made his choices and it sounds like he's doing ok. But it's not your business.
Think about setting new guidelines about contact. No contact unless it directly concerns your son. Don't give him the opportunity to be abusive one moment then reel you in again with a bday present.

CodeJob

Formyboys,

Working a program or not, your A might always have some A behaviors even if he is sober. Could be a lot of reasons why. Working your recovery will be the best way to free yourself...

CAPTAINZING2000

I do understand what you're feeling.
You're going to have to forgive him and move on with your life. You can't change the fact he's screwed up. Until you do, you're only going to be miserable and life is too fleeting to always be unhappy.

formyboys

Our son will be 17 in a week, old enough to maintain his own relationship with his dad and I have long ago given up trying to be involved in it. but it doesn't make it hurt any less that he has chosen other things over that.

I know I have no part in what he does anymore, but days like yesterday...remind me of how long I waited for that day, and how hard I worked to get to that day, but none of us, me or my boys got any benefit from it. Its hard to except a persons recovery when they still display the actions of a drunk and hurt people with no remorse. I will never understand that...except? yes, but understand ?..nope never.

It sounds selfish to say we didn't benefit from it...I tell myself well at least he is not driving around drunk and putting other people at risk. His recovery just does not look like I always thought it would look.....spoken like a true co dependent huh????

formyboys

feelinggreat..I did therapy for a very long time, during our separation and continued for the year and a half before I moved out of state. I also attended Alanon for that time until I moved. since Ive moved I have not benefits so cannot afford therapy right now and have not found an alanon meeting yet....I need to get on that as alas...there is obviously more work to do. *sigh*

MissFixit

I say this to help you, not hurt you, but you sound very emotionally attached and invested in him. I understand how you feel, but honestly you are wasting your mental energy on him when you could be doing new things or meeting new people, people better than him. Sometimes our egos get so battered that we dwell in that lost depression world for too long. The only way I have found to get out of that mindset it to have nothing to do with the ex and form new relationships and build new memories with different people. Otherwise, you just drift in and out of old memories and feelings.

graceandbeauty0

awe i'm sorry to read about your pain. Some days I feel a lot of resentment towards my exabf. I stuck by him for 6 years and now he's clean and sober and he broke up with a few weeks ago. It's really hard to not hate him but truly I am trying to forgive him. I am happy he is doing well and I always wanted recovery for him so i'm happy that he's sticking with him. I only pray he does well and I pray I do well.

Resentment and feeling bitter and hoping he relapse will only hinder you from having a better life. It's hard to let go of all the things that happened, but for your sons sack and your own, it's good to just let go and let God. Focus on you and hope you feel better.

hopeful4

You are not a horrible person! You and your son went through awful pain because of his drinking, so of course you are left with scars. And he may be working a program, but if he has not made amends he is not totally working it. One doesn't really know what he is doing in all actuality except for him.

It has to be extra hard because you have to have communication with him. I would keep that communication about your children only, it will hurt you less.

Give yourself a break, you are doing great!

dandylion

formyboys----I think that we may want for there to be a Justice for what we have suffered and what we gave and sacrificed. To be compensated (somehow) for the fact that we were the "good and innocent ones" and they were the ones that did us bad. We operate from the position of Right and Wrong--and "universal" laws that govern this position.

I can remember that HAMMER made a statement that stuck with me---but, I can't reproduce his exact words---that the addict tends to operate from their feelings and we operate from philosophical rules---or something like this. I believe he was right on this!

The addict suffers the consequences of their actions----and so do we---if we entangle our lives with an addict (no matter how it came about) we receive the consequences of that. There is no right or wrong---it just is. We can't escape the fact that we have to do what we have to do to take care of ourselves as best we can---to take care of our OWN survival.

Living life as well as we can is the only "right" that I am aware of. I think that is where the saying: "Living well is the best revenge"...I think it is the only revenge.

I know how hard this is for you...

dandylion

lillamy

Come sit with me on this here "Horrible People" bench, my friend!!!

I have a guess. I think if he was sober-and-working-a-program and being a normal civil ex, you may feel differently. But this:

-- yeah, that's the kind of thing that makes a person think not-so-nice thoughts. I once blurted out "I wish he would just die already" to a friend when AXH was being verbally abusive post-divorce.

I think when they act that way, it's very difficult to completely be DONE, kwim? If all he did was call you and say "hey I'm running late to pick up the kids and by the way, I was thinking of buying little Bobby a new baseball glove, just so we don't both do it" then it would be different. But when you get those e-mails that say "Go die, I will always love you" it gets REALLY hard to ignore them.

formyboys

lillamy....omg!! EXACTLY!!!!!

yesterday I got pretty much that exact same message...I end up thinking WTH does he want from me??!!

I try to figure it out and end up feeling like I am crazy....so I just wont try to figure it out, I have never been an alcoholic/drug addict so I would have no idea how he sees things anyway. it is pointless...unfortunately I picked him to be a father to my son...thus the proverbial cord for the rest of my life....

choublak

He is not a new and better man. If he were, he wouldn't be going out of his way to tell you that.

HealingWillCome

He sounds like a guy looking for ego strokes. How do you respond when he gives you gifts and asks about your well-being? Some guys like to keep a few lines in the fishing hole at all times, and then give them a tug every now and then to see which fish are still in the pond. Can he sense that he still has your emotions on a hook? He knows how deeply he hurt you by his infidelity, right? Keeping your emotions hooked would boost his ego in a big way.

I just don't think his life is as peachy as he would like you to think (or as peachy as you're allowing yourself to believe). Why would a healthy guy in recovery and in a healthy relationship feel the need to send his ex birthday presents and ask how she is? And then dish out verbal abuse in between? And neglect his son? I think the presents and inquiries are crap. I wouldn't accept the gifts, and I wouldn't respond to the inquiries with more than a simple, "Life is great, thanks for asking." And then let it go.

You're not missing out on anything. The other woman didn't win the big prize here. It hurts like hell to be cheated on, I know. My xah left me and our three kids for a girl half his age. For years, that tore me up. But my 'loss' turned out to be a huge blessing. Truly a blessing. I have carved out happiness for myself and my kids. My xah's life, on the other hand, is always in turmoil. I wish I could give you the details because they read like a movie script, but for the purpose of anonymity, I won't.

I agree with others here. It's time to focus on yourself. You are no longer with him, you live a significant distance from him, and yet you allow him to control your happiness. Justice will be served, eventually. You can count on it. But waiting for it to happen and wishing him misery won't make it happen any sooner. It only keeps you stuck in the muck. Let go, pray for healing and forgiveness...not because what he did was okay, but because you deserve peace. And do it for your son because he deserves to have a mother at peace. I am praying for you.

formyboys

as far as the gift he always sends to me for Christmas I say thank you but you didn't need to do that. When he text me happy bday, happy new year, how are you?...I don't respond. he actually was complaining about that. He said "I actually worry about you guys and how things are going for you so I text you..and never get a response"..well not **** Sherlock. If you worried about my feelings you wouldn't have don't what you did in the first place ....Ive always thought he was just looking to see if I was still there...which is why I don't repond. but he knows Im still there....

I know all that you guys say it true...I know I need to stop giving him so much space in my head. Its embarrassing to have gone through all those years of drinking and then an affair and he is well invested in a whole new life and Im still here, sad and broken and not able to even have a day without him entering my mind. I don't know how to stop that other then letting time run its course. I never in my life have been that girl that held on like this. its both pathetic and sad...but I am working on it. I don't want to be that old lady alone with her dogs who never moved on..lol!

MissFixit

Since you moved across the country (I think), have you met new people? Are you developing new friendships? Most men I have dated have been people I met through friends.

Have you met any new men?

FeelingGreat

Hi again. I was struck by your image of yourself. Is it realistic? I'm guessing you are sad maybe, but not broken. You are having intrusive thoughts and (another guess here) playing over old scenarios in your head, thinking of what you should have said. I've actually been through this so here are some subjective thoughts; I hope some of it might be of use to you:
- be careful of your language to yourself. Instead of 'sad and broken' think of yourself as having been through a very rough patch, maybe a bit battered, but also resilient. Because that's much more likely to be the truth.
- intrusive thoughts can be a real annoying problem. I had a couple of therapy sessions which involved re-living the worst moments while watching a pendulum, but it wasn't hypnosis. Try looking it up, it's not a quack therapy, this was a psychologist who did it with me, and it worked. They use it for PTSD.
- I tried not to over-romaticise my experiences. This guy was the love of my life, true, but I was not going to be that pathetic victim who 'never gets over it'. If you want a good antidote, read Jane Austen's 'Sense and Sensibility'.
- you are never alone with dogs around
- being a single woman is not necessarily 'alone'; try substituting the word 'independent'. There are whole social networks out there of mature single/divorced women who don't rely on the bottle to get by. Most of them are genuinely happy, but they work at it. Forget all your pre-conceptions about 'divorcees'.

choublak

My mom is alone with her dogs...and happy about it.

formyboys

Missfixit...good gawd no I have not met any new men...Im smart enough to know that I am not ready for that. I would not still be hung up on all of this if I was. I am meeting lots of new people. Ive made some friends at my job that I really love. I have my sons that keep me busy also..and yes my 2 dogs