jazzfish

I was reading through some of the other posts here and decided to write out my Step 1. I had always said it was an easy step and I could easily agree to both parts. However, when I started to write about how alcohol made my life unmanageable, the writing just started to flow out easily. I think I could have continued writing for a long time. As I don't know what else to post, for whatever it's worth, this is what I wrote:

When I drink, drinking more is an undeniable urge to which I usually yield.
I become emotionally distant and intellectually stupefied.
I try to let my ego run my life, but without the preparation to back it up.
I have been made a laughing stock.
I have failed to build a career.
When I drink, I spend money I do not have which puts my family at risk.
When I drink, I do further damage to my health, mental and physical.
When I drink, I do not pursue my goals and usually push my goals and desires out of my mind.
When I drink, I take stupid risks with my life and with the lives of others.
When I drink, I live according to impulse and not principle and value.
When I drink, I stand for nothing.
When I drink, I become nothing. I become just another living entity trapped by an addiction.
When I drink, I fantasize about a better life, but do not take any real steps.
When I drink, I do not live in reality.
When I drink, I do not respond to normal stimuli in a healthy manner.
When I drink, I sacrifice my future for short-term oblivion.
When I drink, I set a ****** example for my kids.
When I drink, I can be an *******.
When I drink, I am nothing.
When I drink, I am letting others control my life.
When I drink, I am choosing unhealthy, illogical actions.
When I drink, I think it is my identity.
When I drink, I think it is what I have to offer others.
When I drink, I think I am too worthless to be of value to others without it.

I could have gone on, but I decided that was enough. Pretty sad state of affairs, I think.

keithj

That's a great list, jazzfish, and demonstrates a lot o bad consequences and decisions as the result of drinking. Very easy to add up the pros and cons and see, on a logical plane, if drinking is for me or not.

But alcoholism doesn't work on a logical plane, and neither do the 12 Steps. Try this on and see how it fits. "When I quit drinking, I cannot manage my decision to stay quit."

jazzfish

That is a perfect fit.

anotherquitter

(I'll play)
...
When I used to drink - I wondered what was the point of going on with life.
...

Climber122

Jazz - very honest post - that takes courage to admit these things to yourself. Be sure now to write down some positive things also, things I know you have been able to do IN SPITE of your addiction. The list doesn't have to be as long and can include what seem like small things to you, but try writing one nonetheless if you choose to. There's always a balance...

It seems you have admitted you are powerless and that life is unmanageable for you - if that's the case then Step 1 is done! Try and not flog yourself too much now, and remember that Step one starts with "WE admitted..." Hopefully you are working with a sponsor, but in addition to that person you are also among many, many people who have felt this way during step 1, so take heart that many have also moved on through working a program of recovery to happy and productive lives. It just takes time - hang in there

jdooner

Do you think your life was manageable before you drank?

jazzfish

Hard to say. I was about 12 or 13 at the time.

It is definitely much more manageable when I put a few sober days together.

jazzfish

Yep. I've wondered whether, just maybe, God's purpose for me is to be a hopeless drunk to serve as an example to others.

anotherquitter

Better to be a sober alcoholic and still serve as an example to others!

"Attraction rather than promotion"

jdooner

Listen, however you get both parts of step one is all that matters. I think for most of us the unmanageability is with and without the alcohol. I actually found that when sober, without my trusty crutch that my life was more unmanageable then when using.

As for the powerless, seems like you have accepted that.

deeker

Nope God's has a much bigger purpose for your life! Your pain will be used to good use, but you have to take suggestions jazz! You can do this if u really want it and chase it like you chase the drink. God Bless! in my prayers always

jazzfish

I think I have had this step for a while, but thoroughly writing down the specifics of each part put physical scale to it. It was both insightful and humbling to see it like that. There was much more, but I only posted one paragraph.

jdooner

Jazz, Badger1 does a great job in his blog on the steps. I find steps are like chutes and ladders, the board game. I am always moving forward and revisiting. Journaling them I find really helpful because I am always adding and changing as I learn more.

Good luck and conrgrats. I think I did step one a dozen times. I am always happy to share too. Good luck. I struggled with the powerlessness and for me it had nothing to do with what I did when drinking. It had everything to do wih my mind, which I struggled to see how it was broken for quite some time but have accepted I have changed things neurologically rendering me powerless without reaching outside myself for help.

Tommyh

i cannot manage the thoughts preceding the first drink

SoulSister

"Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion."

Attraction and promotion at the level of one alcoholic helping another for the sole purpose of recovery.

Do not fear promotion.

Think Bill W.



AA quotes first edition

CAPTAINZING2000

The best thing in my recovery hS been to focus on what I can become not dwell on what I had been. Tere are so many opportunities available to us as long as we remain fixed on solution