beebee26

I am feeling ashamed and scared as I type this as I am only a few days into my acceptance that I cannot control my drinking. Of course, this happened after getting drunk by 1pm this past Saturday after a particularly stressful week. Somehow the swig of vodka before cleaning the kitchen made sense when I did it and made the task of cleaning a little more appealing, but the other swigs were made by a different mind. I really don't know how I let myself be that way with my kids around. Of course my husband was livid when he realized I was drunk. He had expressed his discontent with my drinking many times before and I had promised to keep it in check. My journal is filled with, "I can't believe I did it again"'s. I kept thinking I could control things if I only drank one an hour or alternated, etc. This event has helped me realize I am unlikely to be able to ever moderate. To be honest, I have only committed to a 90 day break at this point during which I am seeking counseling, other coping mechanisms for my stress and anxiety, etc. I am very aware, however, that my past failed attempts make it unlikely I will ever be able to be a moderate drinker. Ughhhh, the shame is very depressing. I would love to hear from others on how they are processing the beginning stages of breaking through the denial.
Waiting for hopeful to break through shameful!
BeeBee

least

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family.

It is possible to stop drinking and go on to lead a productive happy life. I'm living proof of that.

I think counseling is a great idea. I see a counselor and it's been most helpful to me.

Ghostlight1

I made many attempts at quiting, too. Complete with solemn oaths, pouring all the booze out and reading all I could about alcoholism. None of it stopped me from drinking.
You really do have to want to stay sober more than to continue drinking.
This is a great place for support, and welcome to you. This site has helped me immensly.

I could never drink in moderation. Never even really gave it a try. What was the point? I'm a drunk and I drank to get drunk.
Have you thought of trying AA or another program? I know AA worked for me and I was near hopeless.

Best to you and I hope you keep reading and posting.

keithurbanfan

Welcome beebee! I can't be a moderate drinker either. It's all or nothing for me.

I've had an extended length of sobriety over the past few years and you would be surprised at how the anxiety disappears when the alcohol leaves your body.

I'm currently back at it, today is day 4 for me. I had some slips during 2013, but for the most part was sober from Oct 2011 until Feb 2013. It was wonderful. The trigger that got me was my sister's 40th birthday last Feb. All it took was one binge and I was back to my old annoying habits. I don't like that me. So I'm here to fix it.

Hang in there, come here often, read, post and have plans in place for your trigger times. Take it one day at a time.

Have a good day!

brit789

I'm 3 days in and right there with you. Even tho at times I recognize I have a problem bc it's obvious and in my face, other times I somehow convince myself I was overreacting. And I know it's all just bc I don't want to admit I need to stop. I'm 26! I shouldn't have to worry about this crap! But for the last couple of months I get dull pain in my liver area after I drink and worse every consecutive day I drink. I can't deny that THAT is a problem. I'm going to try to make a meeting at least 4 times a week and try to meet some ppl that can help me get honest with myself and stay that way. It's really easy to not drink after a 3 day hangover....that is until day 6 or 7 when I feel better and am ready to party. Ugh. So ignorant! But you are not alone!

Impurrfect

beebee - Welcome to SR! I couldn't commit to not using (recovering crack addict) "forever" so I committed to give recovery my best for 6 months.

I'm coming up on 7 years in recovery and am pretty sure the great people and support here are a huge reason why.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

KateL

Welcome and I hope you can find some answers. If I can do it anyone can xxxxx

Nonsensical

I imagine that a person who took 90 days off to build a satisfying life without alcohol would have profoundly different results than a person who was simply holding out for the party on day 91.

You will also likely find that most of the anxiety that you need to find alternate ways to cope with will be gone in 90 days. Persistent alcohol use causes anxiety and depression. Then the addiction lies to you and tells you alcohol is the cure.

Best of luck on your journey!

ErikT

I can SOOO relate to you when you say that drinking made household tasks "doable". I'd look at a sink full of dishes and have zero motivation to do them. But....if I drank a little beforehand,....then it made it all seem ok. To me,...it sounds like you have already broken through the wall of denial. You see that there is a problem. 90 days is a good commitment but maybe you should just take it one day at a time. A lot of times we as alcoholics set large goals such as 30 or 90 days and then it becomes too much to complete. If we just say...."I might drink tomorrow....but I wont drink today" and just say that to ourselves every morning...it makes it a lot easier.

BillinSaratoga

beebee - Fully understand what you are dealing with. For years I would stop drinking for a period of time, 30 days/1 month was my favorite, and that 'proved' I didn't have a drinking problem. I would then declare victory and be back at drinking. I've decided this time, similar to what you stated you've decided, that I cant just be moderate and that realization gives me the incentive to say NO...I'm not going to drink again. You can't change what has already happened, but you can learn from them. sounds like you have some life experiences that you now are considering as you move forward. Don't be shamed by the past, be PROUD of yourself for today, and try and make tomorrow a little better than today. You should be proud that you have the awareness to post your post... welcome to SR and glad you are here.

Hevyn

Welcome Beebee! Please don't feel ashamed - you've reached out for help & that's something to be glad about. You can turn this whole thing around and have a better life.

You are very self aware & that's so helpful. You finally understand that you have no control - that moderating hasn't worked. I spent many years insisting if I used enough willpower I could still have fun with it once in awhile. There was never a time that I successfully moderated. One drink led to 10 - and oblivion. The fantasy of having a nice, civilized glass of wine or a beer was hard to kill - but I finally got it - I can't touch the stuff. You are now armed with that knowledge - and we know you can do this.

Anna

Welcome!

Shame is a very big part of addiction, along with guilt, and those negative emotions keep us in the vicious cycle of alcoholism. Try to let go of the shame and do what you need to do begin to recover.

GotGrace

Welcome, Beebee! You can do it. There is no magic button to push. You just commit that today you will not drink, and you do whatever it takes to not drink today. And then you do it again tomorrow. And soon it is not difficult but natural and even a relief. Drinking like you and I did is exhausting on every level. Sobriety gives freedom. You can do it. Keep reading and posting!

ForMeForThem

Welcome beebee. I'm a mother of 3 and I found myself in a situation similar to yours. I tried many times to control or moderate my drinking, but never could. The cycle was exhausting and things got progressively worse. I had to accept that I crossed that line and I would never be able to go back to "normal" drinking, I had to stop completely. I've had many stops and starts in the last year, mainly giving up in from stress/anxiety/being overwhelmed. I kept trying things I learned, changed my expectations of sobriety, practiced new coping mechanisms until finally I feel something clicked and I wanted to stop more than I wanted to drink - no matter what. I had to remove drinking as an option in my mind. I'm on day 101 sober and the further I get from those shameful times, the better I feel.

FreeOwl

I've been EXACTLY there!!!

I encourage you to shift your thinking even a little further.... you mention it's unlikely you'll ever be able to be a moderate drinker twice in your post.

That seems to me an indication that something in you is still hanging on.

In my experience, that is very dangerous.

I have lived exactly what you describe.... and continued to try and 'prove' to myself that I was able to control it. For me, I had to accept that it's not going to happen. I'm not going to be 'moderate'. It's not going to get better.... only worse. And I don't want more stories of worse.

Welcome, and I wish you luck and strength!!!

beebee26

I am overwhelmed by how many of you took the time to leave a message of support! It speaks to the incredible emotion surrounding this issue. It also gives me incredible sense of hope! All of you appear to be stronger because of your struggles with alcohol, the "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." idea.
Thinking and reflecting deeply over the last few days has helped me come to a better acceptance of my inability to be a moderate drinker. I have also been drinking tea, doing yoga, listening to music and truly enjoying how nice it feels to enjoy things with a clear mind. Thank you so, so very much for your support!

sparkles28

I can absolutely relate to how you're feeling right now. I'm on my 9th day today. My "rock bottom" wake-up call was after an extremely embarrassing and dangerous situation I put myself in... I was/am so sick of thinking "I can't believe I did this again" and having to apologize to my loved ones for the things I did while drunk. I know how it feels to be so ashamed of what you've done. I've found it helps to actively work on forgiving YOURSELF first, and I think things will fall together after that. You can and will start to feel better in time.

beebee26

Amazingly enough I had a sense today while doing yoga how good it feels to be sober. We had just done a series of flow movements and I was breathing hard and felt energized, relaxed and happy at the same time. For a second I realized that a couple drinks would destroy this feeling and make it impossible for me to do these amazing movements. As I thought about the feeling that having a good buzz/being drunk feels like, it disgusted me a bit. I was delighted to have this thought, of course. I really want to hold onto this idea. While I have been continually attracted to how alcohol numbs in the past, this experience and insight helped me see how much that numbing destroys the chance to feel (authentically feel that is) being alive and present.