HopefulinFLA

My RAH has been sober for nearly 5 months. I know it's very early, but he's doing well and I give him a lot of credit for this. He's working hard, focusing on healthy activities and doing a lot of reading about recovery. I must say I'm very proud of him.

Recently he's decided that we should have a weekly date night which I think is his way of trying to work on us, it's very sweet.

This all sounds pretty good right? Except that I'm having such a hard time warming up to him again. I don't feel affectionate, or emotionally connected to him at all right now. I'm sure I'd distanced myself from him somewhat while he was drinking as a defense mechanism as I was such an anxious mess.

I love him, and want us to work, and have no thoughts of leaving him.

Has anyone else been through this? When does the closeness come back? He's doing all the right things and I just feel so blah.

ResignedToWait

I think a lot of it, even if it's unconscious and you're not aware of it, is you being on edge and knowing that it could all go back to the hell it used to be with only one drink. Your distancing is a self-preservation mechanism that you have erected to protect yourself from the pain that a relapse would cause you.

Unfortunately, all the good behavior in the world on his part won't do anything to help alleviate your fears.

Only you can work on that part, and on yourself!

hopeful4

I can totally understand. I had made a decison and told my AH I want a divorce. He basically said just give me a chance to show you. And he actually has been. He also wants a date night. I just think it's too late for me. I have lost that lovin feeling!

I just don't know how to connect to him anymore. He is doing all the right things, his attitude has changed, he is making huge strides for himself. He is spending good time with the kids. He has not drank that I know of at all. He says he realized that he was about to lose his entire life for nothing.

My older daughter was doodling in church yesterday. She had drawn all of us. For my husband, it said Singer (he sings in two bands, one at church, one at CR). For my little daughter it said Softball player, for her it said Cheerleader, for me it said Grouch. Ouch.

I have realized that I was so watching and critical of my husband's behavior (rightfully so), that now I have lost part of who I am. By nature I am a cup half full person, I usto be pretty happy go lucky. Now I still feel like things could go badly and it would hurt even more so because he has shown so much promise right now. I have good days and bad. I am trying to focus more on living in the moment and not get carried away by worry, but it is very hard. Yes, I have support in my life.

I have come to accept that it is just going to take some time and see where it all goes. I have no honest expectations of him, I am just taking it a day at a time. I know we need a date night and I am sure we will have one soon. We are just very different people and I have faced it may always be a big effort, sober or not.

I do have things I enjoy and I will continue to do things that fulfill my life. It is all I know to do.

Hugs. We will walk this together.

Florence

During the year or so that my STBXAH was purportedly sober (he wasn't, actually, different post) this was a problem I was facing. It was compounded by the fact that my STBXAH was, for whatever reason, almost completely disinterested in sex too. We did some date nights and had some pleasant times, but the overwhelming feelings of disconnect and/or loneliness were a lot to deal with. Everyone advised me to wait until he got one year of sobriety under his belt before we talked about couples counseling. My STBXAH never made it that long.

So now? I think your feelings of disconnect are probably the correct and healthy response to being in a relationship with someone who has hurt you so much. All things considered, coming back from that kind of betrayal and pain will take a lot of work. Until then? Clean up your side of the street. Put yourself in a position where you aren't constantly questioning your normal and healthy feelings.

A year sober is a big deal. This timeline also gave me the time to figure out a lot of things for myself.

hopeful4

Florence, I always appreciate your insightful posts so much. Thank you!

KateL

I would give it time for your feelings to come back. They do in many cases. Not in mine I'm afraid. But I used to drink as well so it is a bit different. I wish you luck xxxx xxxxx

Florence

Thank you! I don't know what I'm doing. I'm here for the same reasons you are.

I just think we are so hard on ourselves and always pushing, pushing, pushing. When I made the realization deep in my bones that I would be happier and more at peace in my life if I quite pushing for desired/expected outcomes and accepted reality as it is, I was much more able to make healthy decisions and be kind to me. Everything kind of fell into place, good and bad.

Mags1

I drank an d put a giant wedge between my husband and myself. I'm hoping and perhaps I tried too hard as my husband said stop trying, so I take each day trying to look after myself and as I don't trust my feelings I'm giving it a year before making any drastic decisions.

A lot of good advice from friends on SR helped me x

Mags1

Hi Florence

What you said is so true

I just think we are so hard on ourselves and always pushing, pushing, pushing. When I made the realization deep in my bones that I would be happier and more at peace in my life if I quite pushing for desired/expected outcomes and accepted reality as it is, I was much more able to make healthy decisions and be kind to me. Everything kind of fell into place, good and bad.

I'd like to be in that place xx

HopefulinFLA

Thank you all for your comments. You know, we may not have all the answers for each other, but I can't tell you how good it feels to know I'm not alone!

ResignedToWait - I think you're right, it is a defense mechanism. He's relapsed before, and it could happen again. Maybe it's best not to get too comfy with sobriety being a guaranteed thing.

hopeful4 - Do you know how often that damn song runs through my head?? "You've lost that loving feeling...." I can relate to what you said about the grouch. I feel too like I'm just no fun anymore, way too serious and cynical. I too have always had a glass half full and was desribed by my mom as having a bubbly personality. I really don't feel like this person right now. Oh they do take a toll on us don't they? As were in a similar spot right now, keep me posted on date nights and such.

Florence - I hadn't thought of my feelings as being healthy or normal, but you are right. Thanks for pointing this out. I will try to put less pressure on myself and let what will be be. By the way I second hopeful4's thoughts on always enjoying your posts, you are much wiser than you realize.

KateL - Yep, you're right too, I just need to give it time and be patient with myself. It took a while to get here and it isn't going to change over night.

I think too that I got used to going it alone and not depending on RAH for anything, physical, financial, or emotional. Now that he's "back" it's hard to switch gears again.

I always feel so much better when I post here. Thanks guys!

LvWrAM123

We, too, are climbing that mountain of rebuilding and that wedge between us. Hubby is 2.5 months sober now, post-relapse, and we have had 1 meeting with a marriage counselor. We are both working on our own stuff, and have been doing the date night thing.

We've had 3 so far. 1st one had nothing to talk about until we started talking about our "issues" and then there were tears and sadness at the restaurant-yuck. 2nd one we went to a movie and then coffee afterward-fine-nothing special, not a lot of closeness generated. 3rd was tonite-we were a little quit at first, but ended up a nice dinner-talked about some ideas and plans to remodel the bathroom, and maybe plans for a summer vacation. Felt good to be talking about the future.

We are going to continue making "dates" because we don't want to get too comfortable in this weird, not really communicating much, busy working on ourselves, roommate type arrangement. Expectations for the dates are low-just a chance, away from home and kids, to be with just each other. I don't think it will hurt, and little by little, I hope that spending one on one time together will be beneficial. Unfortunately, I have learned to keep my expectations low, but when we have a nice time, like e did tonite, it really feels nice again- a feeling I haven't had for while!

Have fun if you decide to do it!

HopefulinFLA

We've done 3 or 4 date nights together, and they've all been really nice. I just miss the closeness we used to have, that best friend / partner in crime closeness. It's a lonely kind of feeling.

I suppose though that we can't just flip a switch and go back in time, there's so much that's happened between then and now and we both have changed some. Maybe I just need to wait it out and hope that "we" evolve into something better and stronger. Sigh

Mags1

I think that's what I did with my husband, my drinking pushed him I the arms of porn etc. he won't seem to stop so I may try a date with him but not tell him it's one.

Friday nights is his cooking tea night now and we've had pizza the last 2 times. It's been funny the rapport we've had talking about his gourmet skills, stony faced, lol, I'd make a good poker player.

So where to go on our date? I've got some stuff what needs to go to the local skip, we have a brick coal shed needs knocking down.
Or a walk round tkmaxx we love that shop but not as much since they altered it, it's too tidy, lol.
He's not into going out for meals or anything much which involves getting his bum off the chair, bless him.

Any ideas for a date, but ss shh, he doesn't need to know, I'm very open to ideas. I want us to laugh again, together, not him laughing at me when he takes the Micky.

kdjom

I understand what you are feeling. I am going through this in my home too. rAH has been home since last Thursday from rehab. He is two and half months sober. Things are very different since he has returned. I suppose I got used to the routine of it just being my girls and I for 8 weeks and although I got lonely at times, I also enjoyed the time to myself.

I think he is surprised by everyone's reactions to his return. We are all anxious and somewhat on edge so are just trying to give him some space but he takes it as we are angry at him and not happy to have him home. I don't know how to change that. That is an old habit of his ... he always assumes to worst about everyone around him and they are all out to "get him". So last night we had a bit of an emotional discussion and I called him on it. He gets himself down about it all.

He had an issue with his parents yesterday. He has some issues with them and they were quite forceful in wanting to see him yesterday. They said it was ridiculous they couldn't see their son when they hadn't seen him since this all happened. Of course that is what he needs right now. Needless to say that threw him off. He does see his counsellor tomorrow so hopefully that helps him somewhat. He was upset no one from work contacted him much, but I am off too as I have struggled throughout this and coworkers just kind of leave you alone to get better. People don't want to bug you. I said that to him last night. I think he has to make some of the effort to contact people so they know he is open to contact. He was so closed off to contact before he went away so they back off.

Anyways ... a bit rambly but I do understand. I'm not sure I want this to work or not. I feel so very little for him right now. I love him and want him better, but I'm not sure I want to be with him.

(((hugs)))

HopefulinFLA

kdjom,

I think when we're in the thick of it, the active addiction, we are feeling such extreme emotion and then when things settle down, we're just kind of numb. It's as if the reserve of feelings has been used up. I guess it takes a while to build that up again.

Happy to here yours is home and sober. Hope things get better for you guys!

LvWrAM123

"I just miss the closeness we used to have, that best friend / partner in crime closeness. It's a lonely kind of feeling."

This is what I miss most of all...I/we too are hoping we eventually get to an "even better place" than we were before. I still have hope that we will, but it is going to take time. He's still got a lot to prove, I'm still guarded, we both are making our own changes, and I still believe that "better place" is possible if we both work towards it. In the meantime, it is lonely though. I've been finding myself hugging hubby lately and saying "I miss you" and it is a weird thing to be physically sharing space/house with someone, yet lacking that emotional (and in our case, because of that, still largely lacking sexual) intimacy as well. BUT, things are better than they were 5 weeks ago, so I am hoping if we keep working on ourselves and eachother, we will keep making progress.

We discussed that we know that it is not recommended to start a new relationship until a year after joining AA, but neither of us could think of just putting our marriage "on hold" for an entire year (and ours is a 20+ yr relationship, not a "new" one). A lot of damage was done to our relationship as a result of the addiction, and so we are making the choice to "work on it" simultaneous with hubby (and me) working on his (my) recovery, because we both are looking forward to feeling better and being more emotionally close with each other, and the last thing we wanted was to drift further apart. I'm accepting that this is going to be part of a process, but am happy that we are starting to have moments or glimpses of emotional closeness again.

At first, it was all hard for me to understand and accept-Hey! He was finally in recovery after all these years! That's what I've always wanted, Yippy Skippy! Right? But no...that's all just the first step in the rebuilding process, so I have retooled my expectations, and am happy that even if the pace is slow, at least for today, we are at least on the path that seems like it will get us to where we want to go. And I find it helpful to know that this is common, my feelings are "normal", and that others have walked this path with successful outcomes. It's all just another chance for me to reinforce and practice those lessons of patience, I can't control this process, it's not going to happen on my preferred timeline, etc. Which in the end, I suppose is good for me Good luck to you and yours!

ellaj

The loneliness is agonizing. RAH passed the 6 month sobriety mark. He is working the program and I feel like he is connecting with everyone but me. I understand the no new relationship for the first year. For a time it seemed like we were doing OK but now it is like two ships passing in the night. I'm hoping it gets better. I got so desperate to try to figure out what's going on in his thought process (because he shares NOTHING with me) that I read one of his AA books and got stuck on one point that really stuck in my craw. It talked about resentments and wanting/waiting for the people closest to the RA to admit their own defects and change in their own time. The way I read it made it seem that in some way the problem was with the people around the alcoholic and this really bothered me. So I'm in a place of frustration with no one to talk to. I need to find an al-anon meeting to get some feelings out. After almost 2 decades of living with an alcoholic I feel more alone now than when he was drinking. The irony! So I can relate to everyone feeling disconnected you're not alone! I'm just not sure of how to fix it or if there will even be a marriage left to fix. Wishing you all the best, and crossing my fingers it will improve for all of us.

redatlanta

It takes a long time to trust someone again. A very long time.

When and if you do, you may get that feeling back.

Yancy

Yep, I get it. Years of addiction by my wife and two grown children created a distance between us. That distance doesn't close upon them getting sober. It is still there. For me it takes lots of work and patience. When they all got into recovery I didn't even notice my problems. I was so busy being happy with their sobriety that I neglected my own feelings. Years of abuse and chaos wears a person down. I know that now. Lots of resentments build up, and the occasional flashback occurs. Kind of a PTSD thing. In my case, I've asked my wife to be patient and supportive. After all, I stood by her for five years waiting for her to hit bottom, and I was there for her. It's my turn to get better. The addicts in my life stole my joy and left me damaged. I get that. I get to work on myself now. They'll just have to wait and be supportive. I deserve that. So do you...

mry

I believe it is the RA's job to re-establish trust and respect and that takes time. My therapist says that when people feel safe and comfortable with you, they want to be with you. When they feel unsafe and discomfort, they pull away from you. We have all pulled away from our alcoholics, whether emotionally and/or physically. It's their job to provide a space where we can feel safe and comfortable with them during recovery. It's also their job to understand that this takes time and not to pressure us to move faster than we feel just because we want things to get better. I don't believe we need to put any more pressure on ourselves to be something or feel something. I know that I have already put way too much pressure on myself.

If the date night feels good, go for it. If it feels like pressure, take your time to relax and just feel blah. Your blah feelings are not inappropriate. I find that i"m slow to understand/feel just what my blah feelings are - fear, anger, disgust, sadness, shame, contempt etc. I've pushed plenty of painful feelings away because they were too much to feel and now it's hard for me to sometimes even know what I feel. How can I process them if I don't even recognize them?

my rAH is almost 5 months sober. He doesn't live me and our kids. He is sincere in his decision to stay sober but his recovery is so slow. He is not progressing as I hoped he would although he is certainly better than he was a year ago. While this is frustrating, it provides a big window for me to unpack all those numb feelings and deal with them.