Insaneshame

My AH came over last night to be with our child, who has the flu, so I could run to the pharmacy and grab some dinner. When I got back, we decided to talk a little. I asked him if he's come up with any plans on fixing things. He answered that he's praying (yay for that) and white knuckling it. WHAT?!?!? He made no mention of AA (which apparently worked well for him in the 90's) or any other type of step work. (I know I can't control or change his drinking or behavior). And at this point in the conversation is when he started in with the self pity crap. He doesn't belong where he's at, he belongs at home with us. He misses our bed and how this separation is not helping him at all, in fact it's making him worse (manipulating is NOT gonna work on me ANYMORE) and blah, blah, blah. So, I tried SO HARD to be compassionate and choose my words wisely, when I told him that I understood and appreciate his feelings, but it sounded like he was so busy focusing on the problem, he couldn't even begin to fathom a solution, and I used his own words against him. Apparently he didn't like that (oh well) and left. I told him (in a louder than not voice) as he was walking out the door, to go home and wallow in his problems some more, because it's really helping him. There have been a few other conversations (at least 3 that I can think of) where I was pretty harsh in my words. I don't mean to be mean, it just comes out. I've read the "Wives" chapter in the AA Big Book, as he left one here at the house, and I know that I'm not supposed to put it in his face like that. BUT, I also REFUSE to baby his a** and coddle him anymore. There is such a thing as tough love, and he didn't marry a meek, quiet woman (I've been VERY verbal about his drinking problem for at least 3 years now). Am I being too harsh?!? Too brutal? Too honest? Because if I am, then it's probably best that I don't talk to him at all, because I can't guarantee that my mouth will stay shut!!!

lillamy

You have every right to set boundaries. You are separated, he is out of the house. Have you formalized this arrangement with a lawyer? Have you changed the locks? Have you formalized your interactions (say, rather than chat whenever, only talk with him in counseling or only meet for an hour a week)?

I think I might try to set boundaries that you can control.
And then try making choices for yourself that don't include going to him for help. When a kid has the flu, you could use the drive through pharmacy and pick up McDonalds. Or call a friend and ask them to do the meds/food run for you. I think it's easy to lean on the AH but it doesn't help you get the distance you need.

nanaof2

Mine ranted and raved at me for 4 straight days in December (even over my birthday, yay for me). At one point, he said he was going to kill himself (no weapons - think he said he was going to drink himself to death). I didn't want that on my watch so I calmly called the police and told them he said he wanted to end his life. They cuffed him and took him to the local hospital. I was SO RELIEVED that the end of the ranting and raving had occurred that I went straight to bed and slept soundly. Woke up to go to the bathroom around 2am and noticed I had a voice mail message. Listened to it and it was the hospital. I returned the call and the nurse said he was ready for me to pick him up. I said NOPE - it wasn't happening. Told her he could call one of his loser friends. She said he tried one friend who didn't answer (duh, it was 2am). I said well he'll need to keep trying because I wasn't coming to get him. Apparently he started walking (we're about 5 miles from the hospital) and then he called me. It was about 3:30am at this point. I told him that the house was locked up tight and if he even set foot on the doorstep, I would call the police. He believed me, I guess, and walked to his friend's house. I told him never to call me again. He apparently believed that too and got himself into a good treatment facility on the west coast (we're on the east coast). Just got home last week and although he's going to meetings and seems to be doing well, I've told him that was his ONLY chance. I will never live like that again, have never lived like that in the past, and don't intend to again. If he relapses (which I understand there's a high probability), it ain't my fault and I guess I don't care. I am grounded spiritually, my family are very supportive, and it ultimately is his problem. I will encourage him but will not deal with hiding out in the kitchen and the bedroom from him again. God Bless You and your decisions.

Insaneshame

Lillamy, I so do not want to lean on him and I wouldn't have, as my dad lives with me and helps, but my dad works nights and my young un was sleeping. I had to get to the pharmacy (did drive-thru!!) and get dinner for my teenagers. I guess I could have let my 16 y/o handle it, since he is responsible, but I just didn't want lil man to wake up, not feeling good, and Mommy is gone. But you're right, I don't need to lean on him. I need to figure this stuff out!!!

Nanaof2, good for you that you set some boundaries!!! I'm still working on figuring out what mine are!!! I know that, I too, will no longer live like we have anymore. He already knows to not EVEN bring a beer, or smell like one, when he comes over or around the kids. I think my next boundary will be that he can't be all self-pity, poor me attitude when he's around. He can either be happy and act happy when he's with us, or don't come over at all. No one wants to see him like that, it's depressing. Stay strong!!!

FeelingGreat

Hi, while I understand completely, you did buy into his recovery and you ended up being harsh. You got involved by discussing it, and judging what he was saying.
You have a right to your opinion, but you may have to choose between completely detaching, and leaving him to make his own decisions and take whatever attitude he wants, or fully buying into his recovery and expressing your opinion freely (not that it will help you or him).
You mention this is the third or fourth conversation along those lines; have they helped you or him? It's possible to see him now and then, in similar circumstances, but just stay away from the 'recovery' conversation by setting that boundary that you don't discuss it. It's his recovery not yours.

Insaneshame

You're right, I did fall right into it! Probably because I'm still learning to not be a control freak!! And I'm just so used to doing it when it comes to him. Actually though, the conversations did make me feel better. I've been manipulated for many years, as I'm sure we all have been, and I guess I just want to let him know, REALLY KNOW, that it's not happening anymore. There's nothing really left to discuss after that. I mean, the kids and all, but he can't even enjoy the little bit of time he does get with us, so what's the point of him coming over? So we can see how mopey he is? So, I call him on his BS. This is all so new to me, this boundary thing and addressing the issues of being married to an A. I'm really not the type of person who sugar coats things, but I found that I have with him, as he's super sensitive and gets his feelings hurt so easily. Maybe it's really just best that I not engage with him at all, unless it's regarding the kids. He doesn't seem interested in recovery, and that's his choice, but that choice does affect our marriage and our family. Guess I'm still in the waiting phase of will he or won't he attempt to get better. Until I figure it out, I was advised to do nothing and be still!!! Thanks for your advice!!!!