Inqy

So, I'm in the very early stages of a divorce...we've both retained lawyers, but neither of us has been actually served with divorce paperwork yet....I'm in a civil union

I am sitting here and reading this forum, trying to make some sort of sense over what the **** has happened to the last 8 years of my life...I know that the signs were there early that she was a drunk...why did I ignore them? Not to worry, I'm in therapy trying to figure out all my codependence...and I will buy the damn book!

I'm also a therapist...I'm just not an addictions specialist...ironically, I have no patience for that in my professional life...I feel like saying, for Christ sakes!, put the bottle and the spike down and pick up a friggin joint!! smh...not very helpful in the professional sense..nods

anyway...I know I have co-dependency issues and the wife has complained in the past that I smoke too much weed (I've been smoking it since 18, self medicating really...I see nothing wrong with it and prefer it to taking Xanax), isolate myself too much on the computer, and don't show her enough affection/love! OHHHH...lest I forget...the major complaint that she shared with my therapist the one session I was able to convince her to go..."......she doesn't scrape the dishes properly and all this gunk gets in the sink...don't know how many times I have to tell her...WE DONT HAVE A GARBAGE DISPOSAL"......shrugs....ironically, or maybe sadistically...I bought her a garbage disposal as one of her Christmas gifts....they are still sitting unopened in front of the fireplace....my Christmas gift from dear drunken wife? a nice new bed for the guest room where I decided I should sleep!

I'm rambling...I'm sorry...my only hope is that some of you may be amused by this or may relate....thing is, I'm starting to doubt myself....I found some drunken texts to an x from 15 years ago on her phone where the wife was professing her undying love and the X was more or less like...yeah, good luck with that!.....That started the major wake up call for me....I've put up with verbal abuse...near nightly black outs...she will pass out on the couch or hell, even at the hard wooden kitchen chairs!..its disgusting!....she will call me names and then want to cuddle the next morning as if that entire nightmare episode never occurred!....she has been emptying out small sutter home wine bottles, filling them vodka, and traveling with it!...she must drink during the day at work, I can't imagine how she cant...they would see the tremors...I know she's been drinking if I dont' see her shake...and I'm tired of feeling the need (my own co-dependent ********) to check on her at night to make sure she's still breathing in her comatose state!

So, I left...I took the cat after she emptied out both bank accounts nad pretty much financially crippled me..unnessarily, mind you...I was not flagrantly spending the joint money (that she primarily made and contributed as therapists are poor people and she makes double what I make), but this woman cares about two things only....her money and her booze...I was scared to death that I'd come home one day and my precious baby (the cat..thank the lord we don't have children) would be gone..absconded off to the inlaws house....

she is always accusing me of not being affectionate enough or not being able to show her love...yet how can you when one's chosen lover is Abby, the absolute vodka bottle?!? Damnit, I'm trained, I know I'm not the crazy one here! I've allowed this woman too much power and control over the years to the point that her crap effects my self-esteem....I think to myself, come on now, you are a therapist with a lot of friends and family who will happily help you....her support system consists of 50-60 year old drunks that she constantly hangs with at the bar!....

I think amongst this rambling and purging of emotion and oversharing of information, the lil epiphany I have come to is I married a broken, selfish, damaged woman who does not know how to love herself, never mind know how to be a wife and lover...I'm expecting something of her that she simply isn't capable of providing and I'm accepting her projections of her own fears and insecurities as my own deficiencies.....I need to stop that...

thanks for listening....no, I haven't been to Al-anon, at least not as an adult...I went with a friend a few times for moral support as a teenager...I'm not interested in attending meetings at this time....I will buy the books....I basically just want to know from the rest of you that this is common abusing alcoholic behavior and I shouldn't be owning her crap!..have a good weekend!

soberhawk

I think it is common that people feeling miserable drinking or not blame their partner for their misery, even if it is completely unjustified.

Do not trust drunks I would not.

Stung

I think projecting is very common among the alcoholic set. My husband even does it when he's sober (dry drunk) sometimes.

Maybe try detaching or ending the conversation next time that happens. It's much easier said than done but it'll help you preserve your sanity.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend!!

Charmed3

Hello Ingy

So sorry for what brings you here but one thing I know, is once you are here, you will find that so many of us share similar stories, thoughts and feelings.

You must already know that this is common alcoholic behavior and she needs to own her own crap while you take care of you. I know this is easier said than done, but things do get better in time.

BTW - I also found text on my A's phone to an ex saying how we were finally ending it and he gave me so many chances. The response from the ex was sorry to hear about your problems, good luck with the rest of your life. LMAO - I absolutely know now that the stories he told me about the ex were his view and the ex likely dumped him not vice versa.

Keep reading and posting. On days you feel your worst, this site, the people, the contributions from others will help you more than you can imagine.

lillamy

Can I be completely honest? The people I know who have smoked pot regularly for years are indeed often distant and unaffectionate. Is it possible that you have as much of an addiction problem as your wife, and her complaints about you being distant and unaffectionate may be as valid as your complaints about her?

Addiction is addiction. Booze, pot, Xanax, Valium, food, exercise. Different drugs, same issue. AXH claims one of the reasons he became an alcoholic is that I told him while we dated that I would not marry a pot smoker and he had to self-medicate and he didn't believe in psychiatrists or therapy...

You're right that you have no reason to own HER crap and take responsibility for HER. You do, however, have a responsibility to own your own crap. Whether that's addict crap or codie crap might not matter all that much at the end of the day, kwim? It sounds clear that your marriage is over -- and the cleaning out of the garbage that made it all dysfunctional (my counselor tells me) is never pleasant and if you want to do it well, you need to look at all the potential problems.

And the fact that you're a counselor doesn't help you reframe your own issues and see them clearly. I've known two addiction counselors in the past ten years who had to leave their practices to deal with their own dysfunction.

CodeJob

Ingy, Welcome to SR. I'm glad you got the cat. I'm glad to hear you are in therapy and that you are getting ready to read up on codependency.

Lillamy's post is very forthright. I hope you find the support to grow and move forward here and among your family & friends.

NWGRITS

Lillamy makes a very good point. And FWIW, my therapist may be more effed up than I am. He works wonders for me, but I never hesitate to say that he couldn't get his own sh*t together if I handed him a shovel.