SparkleKitty

Today my brother and sister are many states away from me, cleaning out the house we all grew up in, the one my codie dad designed and built for us, unique and reflective of his artistic soul. My RA Mother (I am assuming RA, I stopped trying to confirm a long time ago) has been in a physical rehab facility since just after Thanksgiving, when she fell on black ice down our steep driveway and broke her ankle in 3 places. She is just shy of her 76th birthday, and she can't ever go back to her house and live alone.

My sister, who lives the closest (though not especially close), who is the oldest, immediately leapt in after the accident and began making arrangements. She stressed to me over the holiday how important it was that we are all very clear when taking to Mom that moving from the house is non-negotiable. My brother, two years younger than my sister (and seven years older than me) seemed to initially be against selling the house, but now they are both there cleaning things out. I haven't heard from either of them, but since none of us are particularly close or in frequent contact, I'm not surprised. As the baby of the family, with no siblings close to my age, I had a very different childhood than either of them. They claim they had it worse with Mom's drinking; that may be true -- I never picked her up off the floor or saw her vomiting or anything like that -- but I do know that however bad or worse it was, they had each other. They had both left the house by the time I was eleven and I was alone with AMom and SuperCodieDad until I left for college seven years later.

Once I got into therapy at age 32 (10 years ago...wow), I began the process of detachment from my mom. I stopped freaking out every time there was an incident, I stopped helicoptering (long-distance as I moved so far away from home). When I began to understand just how much the way our parents raised us had damaged my ability to function, I found myself unable to move forward in a healthy way without breaking all of my behavioral patterns of the past (as Florence has said something to same effect before -- I had to tear myself apart and put myself back together again).

The person that emerged, the person writing this today, is someone who is for the most part, content with how little control she has over people, places and things, someone who strives to be present in every moment, someone who lets go before she can be dragged, and someone who strives to accept herself and others to the best of her ability. I have made a new family from friends here in my chosen hometown.

To get here, I know that my relationship with my FOO was affected deeply. I don't know for sure if my brother and sister resent me for not participating in the day to day machinations of my mother's life, but it often feels that way. I resist telling them they have the choice to not leap in and micromanage everything every time something happens -- that she, even at 76 years old, has clear mind and a huge support system if she chooses to access it, but that she doesn't because she knows they will take care of everything. They have their own journey to make, and I have mine. I would very much like them to be a part of it, but it has been difficult for us all to form bonds directly with each other that Mom is not an integral part of. I want a brother and sister, but it's like I don't know how to have that and maintain my sanity. Maybe I'll figure that out eventually.

I am sad today that our house is being dismantled and I am not there to say goodbye. I work full-time as the sole breadwinner of our household and am in rehearsals for a show opening next month...but I also feel a bit unwelcome, like I would be in the way of the people who REALLY care and who REALLY know what they're doing (and that insecurity is on me). I have reached out to my brother and gotten no response. I will call my mother today to see how she is doing. The call will be perfunctory, repetitive and brief -- she doesn't know how to have a relationship with me and I think it overwhelms her. She doesn't want to leave her house, or her city, even though the move will bring her closer to her sisters in a more manageable (and still independent) environment.

I wish I knew the point of this rambling, badly written post. I guess it's that I detached from my FOO to save myself, and I had to, I had no choice if I wanted to get healthy. I don't often doubt the choices I've made to protect and heal myself but I guess today I am doing just that. Detachment saved my sanity, and today I am recognizing that it did not come at no cost.

I also want to thank everyone on this board for your inspiring contributions, they have made a huge difference in my life. For those struggling, I think you are brave for coming here and reaching out for help, and I wish you all strength, peace and patience as you navigate your own journey. Thanks for listening, all.

Florence

Let go or be dragged, girl.

but I also feel a bit unwelcome, like I would be in the way of the people who REALLY care and who REALLY know what they're doing (and that insecurity is on me).

Is the insecurity on you? Maybe. When my dad got sick late last year, one of my sisters made sure to tell me that she was the only one that cared and understood what he was going through, and that my feelings, contributions, and services weren't necessary. It was a bad scene.

Guess who lives in town and keeps an eye on the folks? Me.

I'm only saying this because sometimes the feelings that are "on you" are firmly rooted in reality. Considering all the emotional work you've done, stick to your gut and maintain your boundaries. Listen to yourself and honor yourself. You will prevail.

BlueSkies1

"I am sad today that our house is being dismantled and I am not there to say goodbye. I work full-time as the sole breadwinner of our household and am in rehearsals for a show opening next month...but I also feel a bit unwelcome, like I would be in the way of the people who REALLY care and who REALLY know what they're doing"

Do they really care more and really know what they are doing? Or are they control freaks?

Honestly, maybe I should bite my tongue...but it sounds like divvying up the estate before mom has passed away. Why the rush to dismantle the house? I can understand if mom can't live there again, but shouldn't she be the one to visit one last time and decide herself what goes where? Will it upset her that her house was dismantled before she was able to come back and say good-bye to it herself? I would feel that way!
It appears that your siblings are dismantling your mom's house without her knowledge and consent, I sure hope I am reading this wrong.

We can be thousands of miles away and one phone call can bring us right back into it...because it never truly goes away, does it.
It sounds like your life far away is peaceful and happy though.

SparkleKitty

BlueSkies1 -- haha -- YES, they are control freaks, but no, they are not dismantling without her knowledge or consent. I just had an email from my brother that she is there with them and doing okay.

Never bite your tongue. There has been a lot of weird divvying-up conversations that I have stayed away from as much as possible (I let myself get sucked into saying I only wanted two things from the house -- my dad's poker chips and my mom's cookie cutters -- I said this and I thought it was understood that I certainly did not need EITHER of those things right away, but apparently my brother tried to take them from my mom's house anyway and then texted me that our mother had objected -- I was like, dude, *I* object!). Meanwhile he takes something every time he visits. Sigh.

And yes, all it ever takes is one freaking phone call to suck me back in. At least now I have some coping tools to move beyond it.

Thanks, both of you, for your responses. Made my morning to be reminded there are those who get it.

hopeful4

I am sorry Sparkle. You know, it is not a contest to see which sibling suffered the most. You suffered from her consequences yourself. I am sorry you did not have the support around you that you should have had. It is awfully sad. I am sure it is a sad day for you to hear all of this, and I really think quite disrespectful of them to leave you out of the loop. Don't underestimate your own feelings just because you did not have it quite as bad as they may have. Being older they quite likely also had a better ability to process those feelings than you did, and as you said, they had each other. You did not.

On the other side of the coin, sometimes when you are the closest and take care of things on a regular basis you just jump in and do it and don't think about how anyone else feels about it. When my husband's mom was really sick last year before she passed away, we lived the closest. There were certainly times we felt as though we were doing so much just because we happened to live the closest in proximity. In truth, that did happen. I don't think there was alot of resentment for it as she was very very ill, however there were times when she would call and tell us to come get her mail knowing full well we would be there the next day and it could wait. That built resentments towards her some during that time. There may have been times it seemed to her other daughter that we were frustrated with her, but really it was at the entire situation. She was sick, we were over committed with our own kids and trying to help her too, it was sadness she was so sick, fear she would not get better (she did not), all of these things just piled into all of these feelings. Wow, it is something to look back at this and analyze it some a year later. This was my mother in law.

My parents live relatively close to me. While they are great now, I realize at some point in life we will have to step in and help them out more as their needs change. I also realize it will be me doing so as my sister lives much further away than me. It is just how it is, and I am ok with that.

Sometimes it is for our own sanity that we have to take a step back. You have an immediate family that has to be your priority. What's the saying...you cannot help anyone else if you are not healthy in mind and body your own self. The whole oxygen mask on the plane thing.

Let Go and Let God....have a peaceful weekend my friend!

SparkleKitty

Hopeful, a click-of-a-button Thanks isn't going to suffice for the perspective you offered. I so often forget that just because someone invites me to the game, it's well within my rights not to play. Thanks again and best to you and yours.

hopeful4

Absolutely....sometimes we just need someone else to put our mind where we know it should be anyways!

SparkleKitty

You all actually do that for me everyday, just by sharing your ES&H!

hopeful4

It's the same for me. I need SR to keep my head where it needs to be!

Florence

Ditto.

BlueSkies1

I've had a quiet month, haven't talked to my hot mess of a family.
But the silence is deafening and I know I have to make a few phone calls.
I also know it's more of an obligatory thing for me than a desire to.

How about I call your family when needed and you call mine for me? haha.
Sweet fantasy.

On a more healthy approach.
What mindset do I put myself in to make these calls and have positive outcomes?
Each person has limitations. Each relationship. Acknowledge that and pursue the phone call with no unreasonable expectations. Approach each person from the healthier side of our relationship, and their strengths, not their weaknesses. Avoid focusing on the negative side of it all.

SparkleKitty

BlueSkies, hahahahaha! I'll gladly trade obligatory calls with you. I do enjoy meeting new people.

My brother's emails/texts always find a way to say "call Mom". Every time I squelch the impulse to reply with two things: 1) "You know you don't have to manage my relationship with Mom, right?" and 2) "The phone goes in both directions!"

The ball of our relationship has been bouncing around in Mom's court for a long time. I often speculate that she is just too afraid to try to improve our communication, but it's just speculation. She really just seems the most content alone in front of the TV, not being accountable in any way to anyone. It's her right. I am doing okay without her in my daily presence. When I call, I admit it's usually just to make myself feel like I did something "right". I try to just accept that even though it makes me feel oogy.

dandylion

Sparklekitty----just as a side point---I think of 76 as young!!

I have a similar situation with my sister---and it has been very painful as my mother just died exactly one year ago. I'm still trying to process it and it is really painful.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Dandylion -- this anniversary has got to be tough. Sending you strength. My father passed just over four years ago last week. I'm still working through the complicated emotions of it.

You're right -- 76 IS young! But it all depends on the person, I suppose. I feel like my mother really has a lot more years and life before her, but she tends to wallow in the negative of everything, the "can't's" and the "shouldn't's", and then there are a lot of people who step in to take care of things in an effort to keep her from getting upset about them. I think they are afraid she will drink again if faced with more than she can handle. Personally I think she can handle quite a lot and chooses not to.

dandylion

Thanks, Sparklekitty. You are right that there is a lot of variation between people! My Aunt just passed 6mo before my mother at age--97 (refused to leave home during heat wave with power outage). My mother was 92 (her sister) and died of a head injury as a result of falling. Both lived independently in their own homes (with some hired help)---But, Dam*---these had to be the most stubborn women on the face of the earth!!!!!!!

Sparkle--I understand your situation, completely. You know that we just have to play the hand that we are dealt. We do the best that we can---how can anyone ask more than that.

My heart goes out to you. These sucky family dynamics can weigh so heavily on our hearts. If you had not detached when it became apparent that you had to do it to save yourself--I suspect that it would be even worse than it is, right now. Please don't second guess yourself on this---I really believe that you did the right thing.

sincerely,
dandylion

SparkleKitty

Dandylion, thank you so much. Do you know I started crying on the bus ride home when John Denver's "Leaving on a Jet Plane" came up on my iPod? So silly the things that trigger us.

I am feeling better this evening, more confident in my choices, mainly thanks to all of you lovely people. My gratitude is overwhelming.

dandylion

Sparklekitty----I know exactly what you mean about crying about the song--it sounds to me that you are actually grieving---what do you think?

dandylion

SparkleKitty

I am. I came home, worked out, then took a long hot bubble bath and really just cried my eyes out. It was not the greatest home to grow up in, but I guess...it is the only one I've got, and I will never be back there again. I also felt a fresh kind grief for my father, who I started mourning many years before he died, when he suffered serious strokes and was never quite my Dad again (I think he never quite recognized me the last few times I saw him, though he seemed to know he was supposed to...that was a long goodbye indeed). It was really his house...designed, built and paid for. I associate it very closely with him.

I have a good deal of time set aside this weekend before life turns into a month-long whirlwind of working full time and then opening a show. I think I might spend some time writing through my thoughts and feelings tomorrow. I haven't felt the need to do that in a long time, but I am sure as heck not going to turn my nose up at it.