Insaneshame

Hi all! I'm new to this forum and definitely new to, hopefully, finding support of other's who know where I'm at. I've been married to the AH for 5 years, but we've been together for 8. He informed me when we got together that he was an A, but I didn't really know what that meant, and he RARELY drank in our early days, so I didn't give it another thought. When the recession hit, and he lost his line of work, is when I started seeing what being an A was all about. It's been 6 years of a downward spiral, with relationships between us and with the kids being severely damaged. I did some research on being married to an A and quickly realized that I didn't want to be in this for another 20 or 30 years, look back and wished I would have left. So, after Christmas, I asked him to move out. There were LOTS of prayers and planning before hand, because as I am the house financial advisor, I had to make sure he was set for at least a month before stepping out on faith and asking him to move. He's been gone for a month now and hasn't even attempted to stop drinking, at least as I'm aware of. He's been through in AA/NA before, and according to his friend's, he was AWESOME sober. I've tried talk to him about going again, but it's obvious he's not willing, or not ready. I finally "let go and let God". There is nothing I can do to help him, as much as I want to. I love the man and pray every night for God to show him a way, to open a door. I have faith that our marriage can be saved, but I've never been through this before, so I'm a little out of my element. He tries to make me feel sorry for him and blames me for this whole situation. I have put it back in his lap, as I refuse to carry all of the weight of this. I admitted my contribution to our roller coaster ride, but he can't seem to own his side. I ill not let him come back home until he is sober, but I don't know if this is a possible reality or how long I should wait for him to make this decision. So, the question is, now what?

JustAGirl1971

Maybe al-anon for you? As far as how long you wait, that's totally up to you. No rush to make the decision right now since you've only just moved him out.

Welcome to SR

BoxinRotz

This is his deal not yours. Just because you married an A doesn't mean you have to own all his baggage.

Bottom line is, he's not ready to stop. And until he is, you have to take care of you. He could go on for years. He could wake up tomorrow and say OMG. But the truth is, we don't know. What we do know is what we are going to do for US! You, Me, Us. Say this every time you look in the mirror... I am the only one I can control. That is your focus, along with any children you are responsible for.

You did not cause it. You can not control it. You can not cure it.

Welcome. I'm sorry you're here but hey... you found the best place to be!

Insaneshame

I've heard and had a friend recommend Al-Anon to me, and I've read several posts from people raving about it. I just haven't found the courage to literally face other people with this yet! I'm not sure if I'm ready to really hear the truth about him, as my heart is still with him! Part of me wants to stay and try to work it out for the millionth time and hold on to hope and faith but the other part of me wants to RUN, leave, divorce and move on with life for me and the kids before I get too much older!! I'm working on learning to take care of me. Trying to find new hobbies and positive, productive things! But this is WIERD!! I haven't thought about me, on a real level, for a very long time!! Here goes nothing....Thanks to you both for your advice!

*Oh, and I'm sorry you have to be here as well. This sure isn't what any of us wanted, I'm sure.

Pia

Hi Insaneshame- I went to an Alanon meeting and to be honest I can't recall a thing anyone there said right now. I was so preoccupied by the shear hurt I saw the people in. All I wanted to do was hug everyone and take there pain away. That was enough for me to put the gears in motion to work on me and leave. Please at least check on Al-Anon the people were so nice and not judgmental. I pray everyday for my husband to get help, he is no where near getting help. The 3 C's help me on every level from my religious beliefs to his problem with alcohol and drugs.

I'm also a Texas girl how are you liking this weather

compassionhere

I am still trying to focus on me and love and take care of just me, and I'm never married and don't have kids....and it's still so hard! I feel for you. It's a jagged up and down road to recovery. I have always had messed up, somewhat abusive or very selfish boyfriends. my last one really got me because he had been "sober" 7 years.....but I see now, reluctantly, he is a "dry drunk". It's all kinda the same....the blame, twisting, the anger, the selfishness, the lack of real communication or empathy, the unwillingness to be present or try. I think it got me because I was in AA myself and had so much hope that he was going to be on the same page! But I believe he wasn't really being honest and working on himself much at all. Long story short, I am still stuck because his behavior is so repetitive for me, known, yet baffling. The point is, I NEED TO FOCUS EXCLUSIVELY ON MYSELF. And I am valiantly trying. It is so hard. I have so much else going on....he left me the day i got laid off from work, and I have had many other losses that cause hurt. Wow, I'm not sure this even helps, but I wanted to say I am trying too, to face reality and heal and grow, and it isn't easy....but it needs to happen. Take care all.

honeypig

Welcome, Insaneshame--glad you found your way to SR. I'd like to second the recommendations to get to to an Alanon meeting. You say you're not sure you're ready to face other people with this yet, and I understand that feeling. However, there is a saying that I've found to be true--"we're only as sick as our secrets." You may find that putting things out in the sunshine and looking at them in the clear light of day w/some Alanon friends who have been in your shoes will do a LOT for your perspective. Keeping things inside can keep us from seeing the truth of the situation--what we have minimized is actually a big deal, what we feared so much is really only an out-of-proportion shadow.

I'd encourage you to read here as much as you can, and don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of good information there. A lot of folks here recommend reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, too. There are a lot of good Alanon books available on Amazon--some of my picks would be "How Alanon Works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics", "Pathways to Recovery" and "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses." Your local library may have some of the books I've mentioned also, or be able to order them for you on loan from another library.

Again, welcome to SR. I've found a lot of wisdom and help here; I hope you find the same.

spiderqueen

At one of my first Alanon meetings, there was a reading about how "we here all understand the insane dread" of loving an A. Your member name - Insaneshame - reminded me!

Until that night in that room, I didn't know others had suffered that awful feeling. Just realizing I was not alone, and there was support and compassion for that kind of suffering, was a huge relief and the beginning of my healing.

Welcome to SR.

Insaneshame

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words! I talked to him tonight, as he came over to be with our youngest, who has the flu, about going to meetings together. Maybe finding a meeting where they offer AA and Al-Anon in the same place. I got "I'm doing what I have to do, even if I'm uncomfortable". So I asked EXACTLY what was he doing? His answer was pray(yay on that) and just white knuckle it and then he started in on the poor, pity for me crap, so I called him on it. I said it seems that he is too busy focusing on the problem and not busy enough on finding a solution and his attitude was not attractive. I feel bad for saying things like that, but I can't help it anymore, as I can't take it anymore!! WHY do I keep doing this to myself?!?!?!? Ahhhhhh!!! Al-Anon, here I come!!