cleaninLI

Hello,
I first came to the F&F side of the forum to learn and understand how my addiction effected my family members. I wanted to know how they felt and what I could do to make it up to them. I think that losing trust might be one of the most damaging effects. I think it has also negitively impacted my children's sense of security and peace of mind. Most children have a carefree attitude and faith in their parents ability to keep them safe....not only physically safe but emotionally safe as well.

I would appreciate if some family members could come forward and let me know what has hurt you the most. What you would like your own addict to do that would help you heal? (besides remain clean) What are some ways to help the children heal and grow from this experience?

Thank you for your thoughts!

hopeful4

For me it has been the lies and being made to feel crazy. I don't actually think my AH thought in his head he was trying to make me feel crazy, but the lies and manipulation had just that effect. I don't know that I can ever forgive him for that.

As far as my children, I have a 14 year old who remembers when things were really really bad. My AH has made alot of empty promises to her to stop drinking, then started again. Lies. She has alot of resentment about this. I think the thing he should say to her is that he was unable to carry out what he promised and is sorry for it. That he is working on it but will only promise to do the best he can. That he is there for her and when and if she wants to talk about things he is open to her.

Unfortunately that later conversation has not happened. It would repair so much of the damage he has caused, but I cannot make him say anything. They have to be his words, not mine.

I also think making ammends quickly is important. I am someone who can readily admit when I am wrong. I say I am sorry and I say it quickly. I want my kids to be that sort of person too, to be able to recognize it and make ammends so they don't carry that junk around with them.

Quality time goes a long ways. During the bad weather this winter my husband has stayed home with the kids...sober. He actually was there with them, made cookies, did stuff with them. That did so much good for their relationship. They saw he is not just out for him but actually interested in what they like and want to do too.

I have discussed my AH's personality and recovery with my kids. I tell them that actions say alot and that right now I am just watching his actions over a period of time so we can see if he is actually going to stay sober. I have gently let them know if he is not I plan on filing for divorce. I have let them know that is quite likely but that we will deal with it together one day at a time, and that no matter what we both love them and will always be there for them.

I don't speak ill of those who drink. I remind them all the time it is an illness and while we hate addiction we never hate the addict. I hope my AH appreciates that because there have been times I have hated him and would never admit that. It's hard to take the high road sometimes.

I am sorry for rambling. I think it is great that you want this in your own life. How wonderful for you and your family!

greeteachday

Hi there. First and most importantly, congratulations! I'm so happy for you that you have taken on the addiction beast and are creating a better life for you and your family. I truly admire your strength!

My kids were the reason I came to SR, so my perspective may not be the same as in your situation. I think the things that I found helped me most in rebuilding trust and good relationships were honest communications and actions. There is no magic way to "fix" the situation, but to me, when I could see that my daughter was "doing" and not just "saying" the things that would restore my trust, little by little I let down the walls I had built. It also just helped me a lot to work on me - and the more self aware I was, the better it was for all of us in the family.

I don't know how old your children are - would it help for them to speak with an experienced counselor? Sometimes that independent person helps and they don't have to worry about hurting feelings. I hope you can focus on the positive sides of your recovery and not the guilt and need to make it up - that's a huge burden to carry! All the best!!

BlueChair

I am getting ready for my counseling session so I will have to come back to answer this, but in preparing for my session I have been thinking about this exact topic and asking myself where are my points of pain and confusion, what do I need to talk about in my session, what are things I need to work on alone, AND what are things we are currently working on together in our family session so I can update her, AND what injuries still need attention and where do they fall in this process.

You have impeccable timing, and its a reminder again the RA is also looking for total family healing. Families are in recovery together

cleaninLI

Thank you both for your honest explanation. I know there were times when I told my kids I would do something with them and failed to follow through for whatever reason. It usually had something to do with being too sick from withdrawal or having to meet my connect at a certain time. I never really promised them, during my active addiction phase that I would quit, because they were too small to understand my addiction and it was never discussed. (my youngest was between the ages of 4-8 my son was 7-11) Lets put it this way, being in my world of active addiction, I didn't think they knew or could understand. Now that I'm clean, I can see that was very foolish to think they were too young to know or understand or to not have been adversely affected. What concerns me is that they probably felt they needed to "keep the secret" and pretend nothing was wrong....to pretend they were not effected. When I first went into recovery it was painfully clear that my children had taken up certain roles within the family. My son became the peacemaker and the comedian. He was the one who showed the least amount of adverse effect. My oldest daughter 18-22, became the mother figure. She cooked, took care of her brother and sister when I was too sick or out working or looking for my doc. My youngest daughter was the scapegoat/lost child. She would either scream and cry and have many many temper tantrums or she would sit quietly in her room on the iPad for hours.

Anyway, since I've been in recovery I've taken my role as mom back. At first my daughter reluctantly, gave up her role. I understood that and still give her the respect that's due her by allowing her to keep the rules and displine that she came up with for her siblings....they still go to her and ask permission to do things or go places. But now they ask me too. I usually, say if your sister thinks it's ok. That's just an example....there are many more like that. They also show their sister their school work, grades and so forth.....but now they are showing me too. Because I do not feel its right to demote my daughter when she was there for me and for them. I did take over most of the cooking and cleaning and undesirable jobs. I want my daughter to be a young woman and not feel tied down....I felt by doing that it would ease her back into her daughter/sister role.

I've also figured out what brings about my youngest daughter's temper tantrums. Most are caused by not feeling that she is understood. I've encouraged her to talk about what makes her angry instead of just bursting out. It's working...but takes time. I've started spending more time one on one with each of them. Playing games, coloring, going out to lunch or just talking and listening....giving them my attention. I guess showing them that I'm here and not leaving. Very similar with your husband baking cookies with them.

Hopeful, I think what you are telling me is that actions are more important right? In fact, I think it's best if I do not make promises or even tell them I'm going to do something. It would be better if I just do it, right?

I do worry about my son. He has not left his role. He is still the funny guy and still the peacemaker. He is the one who always, and I mean always, compromises. Perhaps it's his personality? I don't think so, because he was the one who was closest to me just before my addiction. He was a little on the naughty side and very demanding of my attention. It's like he grew-up and changed. Well, wait a minute, maybe he did, it was 4 years after all. Makes me so sad to think I lost 4 years of my precious children's lives.

Greeteachday, thank you for the congrats, yes I'm struggling with guilt. But, I know not to wallow in it, because that will not help anyone....not me or my kids.

I do see what you are saying about building trust. Do what you say you are going to do. Follow through on things. Yes I'm going to be very careful about that. I want my family to feel secure in my recovery....to let down some of those defenses and relax more. Counseling probably would help. I'll have to look into that.

Thank you very much for your insight!

greeteachday

What a beautiful, honest post, thank you.

My mom battled alcoholism for a period while I was growing up and even once she sought recovery, no one really talked about that time. I believe it had a profound impact on me. In hindsight, I think it impacted my self confidence - I always felt maybe I did something that caused both the drinking and the silence about the problem.

I still work hard to not be the secret keeper in my adult life. I still struggle with addressing uncomfortable situations, but I know it is important to break that cycle. I understand why the family dynamics tend to create that feeling of the "secret" during active addiction. I wish my parents were more open in talking about it at least afterwards once my mom was working recovery.

cleaninLI

"My mom battled alcoholism for a period while I was growing up and even once she sought recovery, no one really talked about that time. I believe it had a profound impact on me. In hindsight, I think it impacted my self confidence - I always felt maybe I did something that caused both the drinking and the silence about the problem. "

Greeteachday Wow, Thank you for opening my eyes! That might be what's going on with my son! He was my most active child. He was the one who didn't want to do his homework. He's the one I was getting complaints from the teachers in school because he talked too much in class and wasn't putting enough effort into his work. He was more or less the problem child at that time. Well, not anymore....now he's on the honor-roll. He's like a model child.

Not to say that isn't a good thing. I'm very happy that he's grown and matured. But I wonder if he doesn't feel guilty about the past....thinks Mommy started pill popping because of him?

I should sit down and have a serious talk about that? He is in no way responsible for my addiction...not at all...not even close! Gosh, I would hate for him to be burdened with that kind if guilt! But it kind of makes sense that he might think that.

You know what? I think counseling is in order. Because, my sitting down and telling him one time that it wasn't his fault might not reach him...it might not get past his own thoughts, right?

Thank you again!

Morning Glory

My father was the alcoholic in my family. I was the scapegoat.
I think the damaging relationship for me was my mother and all the dynamics that go along with the family dysfunction when addiction is involved.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 10 years ago after my father died. That has been the greatest blessing for me and I think it has been for her also. She is 92 years old now.

We talk now and cuddle and hold hands. She calls me her angel and the relationship is the best ever. She is also able to receive love now that she always pushed away in the past. This has brought great healing in my life.

I guess I'm trying to say that it is never too late to bring healing to your children.

BlueChair

The first big hurt came for me after my husband came home after being missing from his first binge. He told me he had used drugs with a friend and got caught up in it and couldnt stop. He promised it wouldnt happen again and I believed him, and then it happened again.

I don't want him to make promises to me on things that are bigger than him. It's like saying I will never get into a car accident or have a heart attack. He can try but he can't promise. I need him to be honest with me about the reality of the situation and this requires him to be honest with himself first

I need him to be truthful, no more lies to protect me, his addiction, or to make himself appear fine when he is having a hard time. I have forgiven the lies when he was actively using because I learned how addiction makes everyone lie and it wasn’t anything to do with me, but now he is sober and he knows the difference between truth and lies.

I need him to trust me to be able to deal with the situation. I see him as capable and I want him to see me that way too.

I need for him to keep the promises he makes on things that he can control. Sometimes I think it's best if he takes action and never mentions it, but other times I think it's good for me to hear him make a promise and then see him follow through because it is more tangible and helps build trust.

I need him to talk to me. I don't want to know everything he is thinking or feeling. I dont want him to know everything Im thinking or feeling, we all need our privacy, but I want checkins where we talk about how we feel, where we are at, what we need from one another. Right now we talk in our family sessions and at home. For someone who has trouble opening up it makes me feel good to see him putting effort into being open.

I need transparency on certain things like money because he went on a huge run for months and I was unaware. He always took care of finances, and he spent money out of accounts I never look at. Part of that was my fault for not being interested in those things, but I had full trust in him. Now I don't in that area and I need for it to happen gradually again. But at the same time that was something never caused us a problem before the relapse because he was good at it. I want to acknowledge that and not try to take it away from him totally. We agreed to hire a money manager to oversee things for now and my husband can still make the decisions but if he starts making bad choices someone is paying attention and can say no and get me involved. He also keeps almost no money on him, and has no debit card access. Mostly that was his choice because he said if he had cravings under the right circumstances with cash available he was more likely to give in. He said he isn't ready for it yet. So he has asked me to control our piggy bank at home and if he needs money for his wallet he will ask me for it and wants only a certain amount. So no misunderstandings its not me trying to control him, we talked about it on our family session and he said he wants it that way for now and I said ok, no problems have come from it yet but we only started it after we got home.

I know it's easier for us because we don't have kids but when you made the comment about how kids are supposed to feel safe and protected I understand. I also lost my feeling of safety and security when this happened. It is slowly coming back and I've also learned from this I'm stronger than I gave myself credit for. It sounds like your kids and husband all pulled together and there was still a sense of security even during the darkest times. Maybe the whole family would benefit from some family counseling like we are doing. Then if needed the kids could do individual sessions. It might help clean the air now things have settled down and your recovery is strong. Congratulations on your recovery !!

cleaninLI

Thank you morningglory I believe you are right about that.

I guess I went a little into my children's side of things. I am married so I do know that my addiction has affected my husband as well.

Since my recovery, we've tried to find times when just the two of us can talk. Unfortunately not enough. I will have to give that more time. I guess being a mother, I was more concerned with how my addiction effected my kids and noticed those things I mentioned above. So my attention was much more focussed on restoring a sense of normalcy to my home for the sake of my kids.

But I would like to know how some of the spouses feel.

Hopeful, you brought up a very important point. I lied quite a bit to my husband. Whenever my husband asked if I was still taking pills, which btw was pretty often, I would lie and say no. Act like I couldn't have even considered it. Told him many, many times that I had stopped. I often lied about where I went. I would down play being gone for 3 hours by making up stupid excuses about traffic and long lines....excuses for this excuses for that.
I can just imagine my husband feeling crazy. In fact, he did tell me that I drive him crazy and that he was so tired of all the lies.
I remember in the beginning, he looked the other way about my pill popping. He rarely brought it up. I guess he didn't want to think about it. Maybe that's considered in denial or minimizing the problem. I have to admit at the time, I liked it that way. I could continue using without consequences.
Unfortunately, my addiction continued and became worse as time went on. I needed more and more money to fund my addiction. That's when the money issues came into play. Before this time we had always had joint accounts. I started withdrawing more and more money and not paying the bills. (I was the one who paid the bills and managed the families money.) well, I was fired from that job and my husband opened up accounts in his name only. Needless to say our marriage became very rocky.

I would say that two years ago, the year before my recovery, was probably the worst year in our entire marriage. It was as if we were roommates. Living in the same house with absolutely no communication, unless it was to fight about my addiction. In fact, neither of us were home very often. He has always worked long hours and had long commutes. So he usually reached home around 8:30-9:00. By the time he reached home he was exhausted and hungry. He would eat, watch TV, paint or draw then go to sleep. I took on a second job to pay for my pain pills so I would reach home around 10:30 or 11:00. We were sleeping separately too.

Well, now since my recovery our relationship has improved considerably. It's like night and day! He still works long hours, but we spend more time together as a family. Before we would all go off and do our seperate thing, now we play cards together, watch TV shows together, eat together.....but when I ask him important questions like I did on this thread. He changes the subject or makes some kind of joke. I think he doesn't want to think about those dark addiction days. So should I just forget about it?

hopeful4

I think you are doing the right things. Yes...it is actions. When trust is broken it takes a very very long time to get it back. All you can do is show you are clean, you are trustworthy. In time it will come back.

You are understanding correctly about the feeling crazy part. At times my husband would have me questioning myself even when I knew what my gut was telling me was correct. I don't expect perfection from anyone nor am I perfect. What I expect is the truth at all times. I want everyone around me to know I mean what I say and I say what I mean and it's always true. I want my kids to know I am there for them 100% of the time.

It's a slow process. I understand why your husband does not want to go back to that time. As a spouse it is lonley and scary. It's nice when you can look forward to some happiness and not have to relive it day to day. I don't think you should ever just forget it. I do think you should maybe just tell them you know they have been hurt and you are going to do everything you can do in your actions to show them you are a changed person. Don't let them down after you say that.

Hugs. You are obviously a caring and wonderful person to be as concerned as you are and be so concerned with the other side of the coin.

God Bless!

FireSprite

Wow, I can exactly ditto so many parts of what was already said in this thread. It seems silly to repeat but yes; the outright & ridiculous lies, the "crazy" making (I seriously DID start to wonder if I had flipped a bit, gaslighting is a subtle but cruel way to mess with someone's mind)..... it's like being caught in a war between your heart (gut instincts) and your head.

Yes, it's actions not words for me too. The words quite literally mean nothing when the actions don't back them up & that includes (speaking for my RAH specifically here) being realistic about the things you promise in the first place.

I appreciate open communication - I want to feel free to share things I am struggling with or had a breakthrough with & it's helpful to me if he shares the same. Sometimes it's just enough to say, "Hey, I'm just feeling off & I realize it's affecting me today" or whatever. I hate having to always be the one to open up the dialogue because it always feels intrusive when it is one-sided like that. I think it's pretty common for some men to feel more inclined to stay quiet about their feelings though. Has your husband ever attended Al-Anon or done individual therapy?

For DD, it's pretty much the same type of needs. I don't remember how it came up one night, I think she had been displaying some obvious hesitation with trust issues involving RAH in early recovery & I was trying to get a feel for where her head was at. She told me that yes, of course she loves daddy, but she loves me differently because I had always been there for her every single time she had ever needed any thing, no matter what, and he simply hadn't.... she felt more comfortable coming to me for any of the Big Stuff. (poor kid was only about 7ish at the time, she struggled to find words for the emotions) But I know what she was saying - it's trust, he had cancelled too many plans, had too many no-shows, had broken so many promises that she was just afraid to expose her heart any more than she already had.

It is coming around for them now finally though. He had a relapse last fall that was magnificently horrid after 2 years of sobriety and is showing us different efforts since tackling sobriety again. He still struggles, man does he struggle, but like you he is spending more real quality time with her & I can see her slowly tearing down that wall that she had put up between them. Stick with it, I know it's much more challenging with more kids to give them each individual, special time but it's worth it.

I also think you are smart for gradually moving your oldest DD out of the mother role. That was MY role in our family with AF & mom..... I was the fill-in caretaker, responsible kid. It was terribly demeaning to me when my father got sober & they suddenly started treating me like a "dumb kid" after I had spent years taking care of my younger sister and every other family responsibility that ended up in my lap. I had huge resentments over that.

It took me until my recovery now with RAH to also realize how that experience absolutely screwed up my sense of love & responsibility with my younger sister & how hard it was for me to not feel like every one of her problems was mine to solve....or that failing to take them on & come up with solutions somehow meant that I didn't love her. The definitions for love & responsibility got all screwed up for me on a foundational level that is hard to explain.

Time is important- it took years for us to get this way & we aren't going to turn everything completely around in just a few months... especially when there is his recovery, my recovery, family recovery, their "dad-DD" recovery, our couple recovery, (geez!) full time work, etc., etc. Life doesn't stop happening around us no matter how much I would like it to! Time also shows us a new pattern when he keeps walking his talk & that translates back to trust.

Best of luck in your recovery!!!

cleaninLI

Bc I can see how deeply hurt you were when your husband went on that run....then broke his promise and did it again. Thank you very much for that detailed explanation of how you felt. It really does help me to understand my husband's insecurity. Did you ever go through a period of depression? I feel my husband has been and still is, to some degree, depressed.

Throughout the first part of our marriage, before addiction came into play, he was very secure in our relationship.

He rarely called me during the day. Now, he calls at least 2 times from work. He usually gives me some excuse for calling like a paper he needs some information from or a telephone number he jotted down next to his desk, something he wants to tell me about one of the kids. I assume it is his way of checking up on me. It can be annoying at times, but I'm going along with it because I think I owe it to him to be as transparent as possible. I think he needs to hear my voice, know that I'm at home in order to feel confident that I'm not out looking for my doc or getting high somewhere. I do think that faith is building, because they are becoming less frequent.

As far as the family finances go, I do not have access to his account. In the beginning of my recovery, I'd say the first few months. I don't think I kept more than $10 on me at any given time. In fact, I never went out grocery shopping without my husband or my daughter with me. I must say I kind of felt under house arrest for the first few months.

I did notice faith building up around the 5th month or so. That was when they felt confident enough in my recovery to let down their guard and relax a little. In fact, that made me feel proud of my recovery and I really felt my life was returning to normal. That was the time they trusted me to go out alone without an escort. That was also the time my husband gave me access to a prepaid debit card that he opened just for me. He would put a certain amount in that card for our household expenses. That card is still with me.....after about a month later, he gave me the pin number to withdraw cash if I needed.

You know something weird though? My husband's trust came back before my daughter's. I wonder why that is? I would have thought it would be the other way around.

So I guess it's a step by step process.

I do think there is a difference between men and women. If it were my husband that had been the addict and I the spouse, I would have wanted more checkup talks like you mentioned. My husband doesn't seem to want to talk much about it.

Hmm, I just thought of something. Maybe he considers talk to be empty words? I did fling a lot of empty, meaningless words and promises at him. I said a lot of what I thought he wanted to hear. But my actions did not back-up my words.

Thanks bc!

allforcnm

With my husband I think what helped me the most after he came home from rehab… was watching him slowly take back his role in the family. Through actions he showed what things mattered to him; he was focused on: His own health (he did what he needed to do to stay healthy; in his case it was continued therapy), Our marriage (we did marriage counseling, went on dates, focused on communication; but we also had been separated for a year, had a new baby, and had infidelity issues to work through so it was a lot to tackle), Our son (he was eager to learn all things baby, and wanted to spend time with our son – he was only about 8 months old when he got out of rehab), His career ( he went back to work, went in when he didn’t feel like it, cooperated with everything they asked in terms of drug testing because he was so happy to work again), Regaining trust (he kept his promises, took care of his responsibilities & for a while I did look over his shoulder even for little things like did he really take out the garbage, lock the door, pay the phone bill like he said he would; but I didn’t want smelly diapers for a week, or an open door while I slept, or the phone to be cut off… but as I saw he was doing these things, then I slowly stopped looking over his shoulder and trusted he would take care of his responsibilities).

I think there is a difference between men and women and what they need in terms of communication sometimes. Just from my experience, women need more talk to feel safe and secure emotionally, while men may focus more on the physical cues to reassure them a marriage is strong. But no matter how much you talk, I think at some point there comes a realization what happened is in the past & cant be undone. You have to choose if you want to stay stuck in the past & hold resentments, or move forward and focus on the present and the future. It sounds like that is what your husband is doing. Does it seem like he holds onto things and will then throw them up to you if there is a disagreement or anything like this, if so then there may be more feelings underneath he does need to talk about to find closure. Otherwise if things are steadily improving, if you ask and he doesn’t want to look back, then I would just keep looking forward .

Our son was too little to be affected by his dads addiction, but it something we both worry about should a relapse happen. I think there are a lot of good comments about children posted here, and I think you’re an excellent mom to be really analyzing how the role changes in the family may have impacted them. (I like how your respecting your older daughter by letting her slowly release her mothering role over the younger kids). Keep something in mind with this whole situation; there are lots of things in life that can cause similar changes in the family structure and kids get through it and remain healthy. Think about a general divorce, the death of a parent, chronic illness of one parent by any type of disease that is disabling for a period of time, parents away in the military for a year or more at a time, single family households where a parent has to work many hours just to provide, etc. Life happens and we are all human so don’t let yourself be swallowed up with regrets. Now its really just a matter of looking at each person in the family and making sure they get the emotional support they need to move past any issues. In working on your recovery, your showing your kids how to persevere, how to face challenges in life, look deep within, and come out the other side.

cleaninLI

Thanks for responding firesprite!

Sorry for the long post.....didn't realize I wrote so much, until I posted it! Yikes!

To answer your question, no my husband has not attended alanon. He has had therapy sessions at my IOP though. He is also pretty knowledgable about addiction. He has a PHD in chemistry. Was a pharmacy specialist in the Army. Is currently employed by a pharma co. working in research and development of pharmaceuticals.
I think his knowledge and background have a lot to do with his ability to forgive me. That article that was recently posted about 'How the brain changes' was pretty much what my husband told me happens in addiction. We had this discussion when I first got clean and began my recovery. So, he said he understood why I lied and protected my addiction so much. But he did say, now that I am are not being influenced anymore, he needs to learn to trust me again and that it will take time for that to happen. I guess most of our conversations happened within the first 2 weeks after my recovery. Now, he just doesn't want to discuss it. I think hopeful is right that my husband is tired of my addiction and the chaos it created. He probably just wants peace now and to move forward.

About 9 months ago my children and hubby were playing and chatting in the kitchen. One of them asked my husband (my youngest) "who do you love more?" Meaning family member. He proceeds to say my children. Of course she wants to know which child....is it her? He says " I love each one of you "more"! She had to think on that a little and then said "But Daddy, I love YOU more!" Then she whispers in his ear...so I couldn't hear....I did hear it though. She continued with "more than Mama." It did break my heart, but I didn't say anything. Then he asked her why? She whispered back because " you love us more!" He tried to say "but Mama loves you like I love you! " She replied again whispering of course, "No, she loves her pills more!" I swear, out of the mouth of babes right? That really made me think...and I must say whenever a craving hits I go back to that day.

Firesprite, I'm glad you agree that I'm doing the right thing by easing my oldest out of her role. My daughter had to grow-up very fast and take on a huge responsibility. She did a very good job. She kept the family together and moving forward day to day while I was stuck in my addiction. That isn't something I will ever forget. She would get up early and get her brother and sister dressed for school, put them on the bus. Making sure they had their supplies and lunch money. She had snack and dinner waiting for them when they returned. She oversaw their homework and made pretty strict rules about when they needed to complete it and when they could play. She was there for them physically and emotionally. She was the one who they went to when they were sad or upset.

As I mentioned above, my husband and I for the most part were out of the house, working long hours. In fact, when we were at home, I was not emotionally available and I think my husband wasn't either. He was too involved in my addiction, trying to fix me or too depressed with the situation to be fully available to meet their needs. Forget about where I was....I can hardly remember what happened during that time....I was so fixated on pills or how many I had left or how to get more...or sick in bed withdrawing because my supply ran out and couldn't get more until payday. Everything else in life fell by the wayside. My daughter was their rock! How could I ever forget about that and what she did for us? I regret very much that these things happened but they did. My natural inclination would be to forget. Toss my oldest daughter aside and be "Mom" again.....pretend it never happened. But I don't think that's giving justice to my daughter.....that would be the easy way out.

It looks like that's what happened to you. I think it was your parent's guilt that kept them from recognizing that you needed to ease out of your roll. When they woke-up from the disfunction caused by your father's alcoholism they suddenly felt guilty and wanted to make everything right again....they did not consider your feelings when they did that. Makes me sad to think that as a young child you too had to step-up and take care of everyone in the family. Then when everything was ok again to just throw you out of your role and pretend you didn't have one....pretend you didn't sacrifice your childhood for the sake of your sister....and your Mom and Dad too. So sad! I hope you realize you are a hero to step-up and be there for everyone....whether your Mom and Dad recognized that fact or not. It happened and you are the hero.

I agree with you that having a role in a dysfunctional family changes you. I've noticed that my oldest daughter will never be able to go back to being only a sister to her siblings. I don't think they consider her only a sister either. Their bond is very strong. I think in their eyes she will always be like a mother to them. But you know what? That's ok for me, I would never want to break that bond. What I would like to see, and I'm noticing subtle changes, is my daughter relaxing and enjoying her college years more. Because that's what she is....a college student. She should be able go out with her friends more and have some fun without feeling like she's abandoning her brother and sister. She is making progress. A couple weekends ago she went with some friends snowboarding. She had an awesome time. We had to push her to go though.....she kept saying her brother and sister will miss her or feel bad they aren't going....etc.. Lots of excuses. Her brother and sister told her to go and have fun....so that helped. Of course she came back with hats that she bought for each one of them and while she was there she video chatted with them and showed them the pretty snow covered mountains.

You mentioned that you have some problem separating love with responsibility in regards to your sister. Do you mind elaborating a little on that? I just want to know what helped you....maybe it can give me some insight into my daughter's mind. I can see that she's very enmeshed with her brother and sister. Especially her brother. She received some birthday money from her grandpa. What does she do? Spent the entire amount and some she had saved on a lap-top for them. It's good she loves them, but I wouldn't want problems for her down the road. What I don't want is for her to sacrifice her own growth. I see that happening a lot. Her life revolves around theirs. Like I said we have to push her quite a bit to have her own interests and her own friends.

You are right, it will take time. I didn't destroy my family in a few days, I was in active addiction for 4 years. That's the equivalent of almost half my youngest daughter's life! It is a whole lot easier to break something then it is to fix it! That's for sure!

Ok, thanks again to everyone who responded your comments are really helping me and allforcmn I haven't forgotten you and your post.

hopeful4

I am going to address the part about your husband trusting more quickly than a child. I think a child is not emoationally connnected in the same way a spouse is. A child takes it all in over the course of time. These are serious conversations and most of them are had with the spouse. So while the children experience broken promises and trust, the spouse really experiences most of that along with the weight of being responsible for what would be best for the children. I think the spouse WANTS to trust much more so than a child. I hate to say that but it's true in my opinion. They are just tied in such a different way.

I will admit that I too usto call my husband several times per day. Now I really don't. Yesterday I asked him if he was at work b/c his car was not there. Come to find out it was parked in the back lot, but he knows I have the right to ask. He often calls me just to say hi and I know it is him doing that for me and I appreciate that.

I have explained to him that this is something I need to do for my own sanity and something he will have to tolerate when those feelings come up and put up with if he wants me around. Trust that has been destroyed takes a long time to get back.

I truly do think you are doing a great job. How hurtful it had to have been to hear your child say that. I am sorry. What a motivator to stay clean.

Your honesty and your openness and willingness to listen to what it takes to fix your family shows me you will do just that. You are a strong and curageous person!

Hugs!

FireSprite

Yes, definitely, but I am pressed for time right now so I will come back later tonight when I can (hopefully) organize my thoughts a little better for you.

I think you are doing AMAZINGLY at tackling your recovery - I know a lot of this stuff can't be easy to hear, and I'm really happy that my post didn't offend you!

cleaninLI

Allforcnm thank you for that post! Wow, where to begin? I guess for starters I really appreciate your encouragement and positive attitude! You are right.....there are many unforeseen circumstance that could arise that could easily change the family dynamics and affect the children. In fact, we have had a few close calls with my husband's life. He's a diabetic (type 2) diagnosed in 1990. Unfortunately, it has taken a toll on his health, so much so that he now has chronic heart disease. He has suffered a total of 3 heart attacks, a double bypass as well as surgery to put a stent in. Any one of those attacks could have taken his life. They have caused him considerable downtime.....time when he was not working/earning. So, you are right, life is unpredictable.

I guess the difference in my mind is that addiction, although a disease, is something that I have control over. I, being the addict in my family, must believe that. It's imperative to my recovery to never forget that I am an addict for life and to always be on my guard for cravings, stinking thinking and any other thought processes or situations that could lead me back there. It can be exhausting and would be much easier to just put this all in the past and forget about it. But I'm afraid to....or maybe I'm not there yet?

I'm impressed with your husband's recovery and hope one day to be where he is right now. I guess what impresses me even more is how understanding and supportive you have been throughout his recovery. He is a very lucky man!

I'm glad you mentioned that men look for physical cues for reassurance in a relationship. I was wondering what's up with hubby since my recovery?

Oh, one more point that you touched upon was whether my husband harbors any hidden resentments? I think he does because he does throw stuff out there when we have a disagreement about something. Even if that disagreement has nothing to do with my addiction. Then later when he's calm he tells me how happy he is to have a wife like me or compliments me about something like he's sorry he said those things. I wonder how we can work through some of those resentments, honestly, I doubt he will agree to marriage counseling.
I do like the idea of going on "dates". That's something we rarely do anymore.

Hopeful it does make sense now that you explained it why my husband has let down his guard, gained more trust. Thank you. Hugs back to you!

cleaninLI

Firesprite take your time. I appreciate your input.

Thank you for the complement, no your posts don't offend me. It can't be easy for you either.

Thank you all for your compliments and your candor as well! You have no idea how much you are helping me. My family, if they knew, would thank you too!

BlueChair

Its hard to explain how I felt/feel exactly, in the beginning I think I suffered a shock, and it was hard because his parents had been through his using before but not me. They were upset especially his mom and she lost it on me a few times and it felt like she was blaming me or always thought I should do this or that, but she was so upset I didnt know if she was right about things. I had and still do have a lot of confusion over things and I feel like Im questioning a lot in life, relationships, my beliefs. I feel depressed at times but I dont think Ive sunk into a true depression mostly because of my family and friends, and the counseling Ive been doing. I think the brightness of life has went down a few shades for me, and Ive been thinking a lot about how hard life is, not our lives even but life in general and people. I can start crying now over any type of sad story, like Im thinking as I write this and starting to have sad feelings. Maybe Im a little depressed, if your world has lost shades of brightness and your seeing more dark ???

Has your husband been able to talk about what he has gone through with anyone? I was just reminded by someone recovering from an addiction how spouses need to talk and vent. If your husband has kept this a secret, then maybe he has never vented or even cried, been told its ok for him to feel certain things, been validated in some way?

This site has helped me also because sometimes with my friends its hard to express some things, then later I have to look at them and I dont want pity. But here I never see you guys only your avatars so in a way it makes it easier. I can work on things myself by reading and sharing, asking questions.

off topic, you and I dont have avatars cleaninli