Not doing to well mentally
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Rural Colorado
Posts: 376
Not doing to well mentally
In some ways I don't mind being an alcoholic. I see the alcoholics in meetings full of life and happy (in general). I don't feel that way. I can look at another alcoholic with empathy and relate very well to what they are experiencing. However, when I think about myself I feel shame, disgust, self-loathing, like I am a bad person, a weak person, and a failure. I woke up really feeling horrible about myself this morning.
And, I feel like I may not ever have long term sobriety because I am bad, weak, disgusting, awful and hideous.
Are these normal thoughts? Do I need to be institutionalized or see a psychologist? I went through YEARS of therapy growing up and as a young adult because I had eating disorders and I cut myself (this started in the late 70's and early 80's before there was much info about cutting). Am I still screwed up? Am I a hopeless case?
And, I feel like I may not ever have long term sobriety because I am bad, weak, disgusting, awful and hideous.
Are these normal thoughts? Do I need to be institutionalized or see a psychologist? I went through YEARS of therapy growing up and as a young adult because I had eating disorders and I cut myself (this started in the late 70's and early 80's before there was much info about cutting). Am I still screwed up? Am I a hopeless case?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
If you don't mind being an alcoholic, it's going to be really hard to have long-term recovery because it takes a lot of motivation and commitment.
I hope you can change your negative thoughts about yourself into something positive. It might be a good idea to talk to your dr or therapist, too.
I hope you can change your negative thoughts about yourself into something positive. It might be a good idea to talk to your dr or therapist, too.
A Little Wingy
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 923
And, I feel like I may not ever have long term sobriety because I am bad, weak, disgusting, awful and hideous. Am I still screwed up? Am I a hopeless case?
You can change all that, your negative thoughts will keep you trapped. I hope you learn to work on positive. Also hope you get some help where you are, you deserve to be like your user name 2bhappier
It's all about choices, changing your thinking. Time to start filling up your toolbox with positive things.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Some of us in AA here were going to set up a group called Self-Loathing, Inc. Except that we couldn't get together -- at least one of us was always second-guessing the idea, thinking she wasn't good enough to be a member, or just plain isolating. 
I think your problem is not uncommon.
For some of us, whether because of mental habits from a lifetime of drinking or some other separate cause, sobriety and a recovery program are not enough to allow us to lead mentally healthy lives. I waited until I was sure that the moods I experience were not improving with sobriety -- now I'm seeking additional help.
I think your problem is not uncommon.
For some of us, whether because of mental habits from a lifetime of drinking or some other separate cause, sobriety and a recovery program are not enough to allow us to lead mentally healthy lives. I waited until I was sure that the moods I experience were not improving with sobriety -- now I'm seeking additional help.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
I agree with jus. I did some terrible things when I was using. After staying sober for a while with some help from recovery groups like SR, I started doing the next right thing more often. Self-esteem started to come back because I started doing esteemable things.
My dark past only defines me if I let it. The bad things I did have become an asset, because sometimes I get to tell my story to a new guy & help him not feel so alone, like he's the only one who's ever thought or acted like that.
You're not alone, welcome...keep coming back here!
My dark past only defines me if I let it. The bad things I did have become an asset, because sometimes I get to tell my story to a new guy & help him not feel so alone, like he's the only one who's ever thought or acted like that.
You're not alone, welcome...keep coming back here!
Trudging the Road
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: western New York, USA
Posts: 117
Stop listening to the negative voices telling you that you are garbage. And like coraltint said, self-esteem can improve once you start doing "esteemable" things.
Get outside yourself. Volunteer. Do things without expecting anything in return. There is a huge psychological benefit that can be gotten from just "giving" of yourself, and not expecting payment or some other tangible value.
Most organizations that need and take volunteers GREATLY appreciate them. It's a start towards quieting the self-loathing.
Get outside yourself. Volunteer. Do things without expecting anything in return. There is a huge psychological benefit that can be gotten from just "giving" of yourself, and not expecting payment or some other tangible value.
Most organizations that need and take volunteers GREATLY appreciate them. It's a start towards quieting the self-loathing.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by 2bhappier 
And, I feel like I may not ever have long term sobriety because I am bad, weak, disgusting, awful and hideous.
Originally Posted by 2bhappier
Am I a hopeless case?
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Hugs...
Those things are common among humans in general. And yes, they can get better. Likely you and me and a lot of other people will go through days and spells when we feel that way...as well as days and spells that we don't.
sounds like you and I have some shared history, eating disorders, cutting etc. I go through rough spells, but life is mostly good, and most days I'm fine and some days much better than fine. But in the middle of a "yuck" spell, well, it's like fog. You can't see where it ends, easy to get lost floundering around in it.
I have found that doing the next right thing, or needful thing helps me move forward even when I feel very lost, unproductive and lousy. At least I don't lose any ground.
Those things are common among humans in general. And yes, they can get better. Likely you and me and a lot of other people will go through days and spells when we feel that way...as well as days and spells that we don't.
sounds like you and I have some shared history, eating disorders, cutting etc. I go through rough spells, but life is mostly good, and most days I'm fine and some days much better than fine. But in the middle of a "yuck" spell, well, it's like fog. You can't see where it ends, easy to get lost floundering around in it.
I have found that doing the next right thing, or needful thing helps me move forward even when I feel very lost, unproductive and lousy. At least I don't lose any ground.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Rural Colorado
Posts: 376
Thanks all. SoberCatholic, one thing I have always done is volunteer and I agree it is a great way to get outside of myself. I do a lot with animal rescue groups. Also, I my daughter is special needs and I volunteer with the foundation that raises money for research for her particular conditions. So, I need to focus on that more. Sometimes I am on auto-pilot with volunteering because it has been a big part of my life for a long time. That's part of the reason why I live in such a remote area. I take in animals that have been injured and need rehabilitation, etc.
Threshold, do you ever feel like the eating disorders and cutting were enough so why the heck do you have to deal with drinking too? Sometimes I get done about it. I think it is the selfish thinking thing for me. It kind of makes sense really to have eating disorder, cutting, and alcoholism. I can see the similarities. It is like one long string of self hate and punishment. Interestingly, I hadn't cut for a LONG time but last week, when I just had a few days of not drinking, I did it again.
Nonsensical, you are right (about a lot of things!) about my expectations being too high.
Sometimes I can look outside myself and see a good person who cares a lot about others who also has a lot on her plate. And I can feel like I need to be more nurturing to myself and give myself more love because it HAS been a long hard battle. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that way because I've never been to war, I wasn't beaten by my parents, I grew up with food on the table and a roof over my head. I am pretty incredibly fortunate really.
Threshold, do you ever feel like the eating disorders and cutting were enough so why the heck do you have to deal with drinking too? Sometimes I get done about it. I think it is the selfish thinking thing for me. It kind of makes sense really to have eating disorder, cutting, and alcoholism. I can see the similarities. It is like one long string of self hate and punishment. Interestingly, I hadn't cut for a LONG time but last week, when I just had a few days of not drinking, I did it again.
Nonsensical, you are right (about a lot of things!) about my expectations being too high.
Sometimes I can look outside myself and see a good person who cares a lot about others who also has a lot on her plate. And I can feel like I need to be more nurturing to myself and give myself more love because it HAS been a long hard battle. Then I get mad at myself for thinking that way because I've never been to war, I wasn't beaten by my parents, I grew up with food on the table and a roof over my head. I am pretty incredibly fortunate really.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 227
I can relate to not feeling like I deserve, or have a right to feel so bad at times. I can't point to some traumatic event, and say "This is why I am like I am". But I realized it doesn't matter. This is how I am and I need to deal with it.
It is hard to be nurturing to myself and give myself a break sometimes, but why should we treat others better than we treat ourselves?
It is hard to be nurturing to myself and give myself a break sometimes, but why should we treat others better than we treat ourselves?
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