FuzzyJudgement

My DH has fallen way off the wagon and is drinking heavily. He is not working. He is saying very mean things to me. Today I am at work. I had to go back to the house to get our daughter's lunch and caught him with a flask of vodka on the couch (at 9 am). I told him I did not know how he expected me to put up with this and left. He has been texting me all day (and has continued drinking) and I only texted once to say "I am not going to talk to you in any format while you have been drinking". He is saying some not nice things including, as always, blaming me because I sent him to rehab and now everyone knows he's an alcoholic and he has no friends because of this. Every time he behaves badly it is because of me - so he says (we got in an argument last night because he was drinking and picking a fight with me while the kids were in hearing range and he punched a wall and broke his hand most likely - won't go to doctor).

I am doing the right thing by not engaging yes? I am worried that I am making him angrier by not engaging at all and I do have to go home at some point. Luckily he does not engage with the kids when they come home.

Becky

AnvilheadII

please be careful. if he gets violent again, and punching the wall is a violent act, then do not hesitate to call 911. walls are first, wives easily follow. you are right to not engage....it serves NO purpose.

do you have a safe place you can go if need be? keep your keys/purse close by, and your phone. i don't mean to scare you, but i do want to PREPARE you.

Recovering2

Don't engage. There is nothing good that can come out of trying to interact with the active addiction anyhow...you will lose. So protect yourself. Don't listen to the manipulation, quacking etc. If you have to leave the house to get away from him, then do so. If he gets violent, call 911. He will eventually get the message. I used to come home, he would start in on me, and I would turn around and walk out. When I first started practicing detachment, my RABF initially got worse. My counselor told me to expect that, he was realizing he wasn't getting the normal reaction out of me. But don't let that stop you. He can have his reaction, you can detach from it. Are you involved in AlAnon or any other support group? That was huge in helping me get through this part.

FuzzyJudgement

I am not involved in AlAnon (yet - have gone and sat in the parking lot but have not gotten the nerve up yet to enter). I have started seeing a counselor who has experience in this area. I can quickly leave if I need to and have someplace to go. My brother lives 3 blocks away. And the kids would come with me of course (they are teenagers).

Recovering2

My first attempt to attend AlAnon, I sat in the parking lot before returning home. Lots of us have done that. Walking in the first time takes courage, but as soon as you do, you will realize you are in the company of friends. Truly. It is a safe place. People there all understand how hard it is to decide to come to a meeting, we all had that first time. But I think you will find a lot of support and strength. It became my lifeline when I was in the midst of the active addiction. What do you have to lose by trying it? Meetings are free, and only an hour of your time is needed.
Hang in there, try to find a meeting and take care of you.

Seren

Hello FuzzyJudgement,

I hope that this morning finds you and your children safe and well...that all was quiet when you arrived home!

I think Al-Anon and Al-ateen are terrific suggestions for you and your children. Many here have found the face-to-face support to be invaluable.

Refiner

What consequences have you given him? He can't go to rehab if it's because of you wanting him to and you expect it to work. Why do you allow him to stay in the house and continue to drink and treat you badly especially when not holding a job to provide for the family?

FuzzyJudgement

I have no place to send him if I make him leave the house and I am not prepared to force him to live on the streets. I know I should make him leave. That is easy to say but not easy to do.

I ignored him last night which made him upset but he left me alone after I told him that I wasn't going to talk to him until he was sober. This morning was not much better but the kids and I left to work and school.

Refiner

"I have no place to send him". And why do "you" have to "send him"? That's not your problem. You should tell, not ask, him to LEAVE if he can't abide by the house rules. That is giving a consequence. Right now you're enabling him by keeping a roof over his head and paying the bills all the while he does what he wants while treating you badly and destroying your poor kids. Give him a consequence (other than a cold shoulder) and mean business. Maybe you don't mind being walked over but you need to protect your kids since they are powerless in this situation.

CarryOn

Hi Fuzzy,

I did go back to read your previous thread, and it sounds like not much has changed in four months. Yes, you did the right thing by not engaging with him...you are establishing a boundary for yourself.

I'm not sure if you have been back & reading or not, so I'm going to throw out some stuff for you. First priority is the safety & wellbeing of you and your children; as the other posters indicated, this behavior tends to be progressive and you should take whatever means necessary to protect yourself. Have you been learning about alcoholism & codependency? There is lots of good information here. And please get in to that AlAnon meeting...you will find lots of help there. Your teens can attend Alateen.

Refiner is right...you have no responsibility to him. He does need to feel the consequences of his actions. Don't do anything for him that he can do for himself...cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. He's home all day - he can do that stuff. If you are not ready to remove him from your home, can you start to separate your responsibilities from him? He has to be getting money somewhere to by that alcohol...can you stop providing him with it? As long as he has money to buy alcohol, a warm place to stay, and someone else to blame he is enabled, he will continue, and it will get worse.

Hammer

Yeah. Youse parking lot hiders and lurkers.

We know. We know.

One really funny one.

Pulled in beside her on the parking lot, I could tell she was thinking REAL hard about not going in there. So I dropped into my Jethro routine . . . (You know, the dumb farm boy from the Beverly Hillbillies) and asked, "ummm, hi. I am here for some sort of meeting. . . . ?" She said, "yeah, me too." I asked, "do you know where it is? (looking up and down the row of church buildings). She says, 'No, it is just supposed to be here somewhere . . ." But by now she is getting out of her car to help me find it . . .

So we walked around the church looking for the meeting room, talking all the way.

Her name was K, turned out she was a teacher, two little kids at home, and hubby smoking meth.

Came to the meeting room , and most of the of the folks get up and say Hi to me (since I had been visiting there about for about 3 months) and were asking if K was Mrs. Hammer -- since K was small and thin, and they knew that Mrs. Hammer had recently came back from Eating Disorder rehab.

By then K sort of figured out I had gamed, but helped her, I introduced her to everyone, and she was just crying happy the whole meeting. Every week would chat about all the odd things like on here. She gave me a real nice note about being lost in life's parking lot to put in my 12 and 12 when I left the area. Still on my desk.

=====
(a brief pause for my real Sponsor)

Dear God,

Please Bless K, Fuzzy, Recovering2 and the rest of the Parking Lot Lurkers. Please show them your path for them and give them the courage, strength and wisdom to follow it.

Amen

=============


So at any rate. Git yer butt in there. Do not make me come out to the parking lot and play Jethro with you.

Lyssy

I struggle with this issue also I am still trying to figure out my true emotions and those emotions that are driven by my control issues.

After I read this thread I went back to the main page and read this thread. It really helped. I need to find my voice on this and trust that somethings I deserve to be angry about and stop stuffing my feelings.

WOW.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...24-2014-a.html

Lyssy

Sorry my reply posted on the wrong thread (again). It has to be something to do with pisting from my tablet.