Better understand Cocaine Lover
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Better understand Cocaine Lover
I recently had a run in with a cocaine addict and im so confused. I feel like ive been really really manipulated. We no longer speak, I feel I know I have stuff to work on because my days feel gloomy now, like I miss him and his confusing behavior...and i hate that i actually miss this. How can I become one of these women who just sees this guy as a sinking ship
but i cant stop dwelling and trying to understand. understand how he felt? what he wanted? This person came on strong, but was hot cold. He was more bold and sexual than most guys. Im naive but I knid of liked it I guess so i started to have feelings for him. It took a while but I started putting things together and realizing his cocaine habit might be bad...like really bad. BAD BAD.
first i thought it was a hell of a cold, and he was moody. then i saw him do it and thought it was just because we were drinking. then i noticed aLOT of tissues in every trash can. Then the fact that he flaked on some plans. I went from thinking he was fickle about how he felt to being really scared and started pulling away from him. he sucked me back in, saying he had some issues but wanted us to be friends. He told me he had strong feelings for me.
Since I have no idea how to be supportive or what to say to a person in his shoes that would benefit him I didnt like how on edge I felt. I felt in over my head and just decided to tell him he needs to get rid of his habit, that hes got two personalities that i cant figure out which one he is. That its bringing me down
He seems as though he genuiinly wants to be nice, but his frustration flares. He seems like hes got lots of walls, but hes also smart and i wonder if he knew this would hook me. He forgets things I tell him about myself and only seems to remember things that have to do with sex. He is sex obsessed, and talks about porn a lot, wants to text dirty or else seems bored. Anyways he ends up saying he cant handle me anymore (super insulting because I was trying to understand without being too invasive). Says Im not his type . Tells me Im too short for his taste. Tells me I annoy him when I talk, that he isnt listening. That he lost interest after sex.
This stuff is so degrading and mean and Im having a hard time with wanting to believe he means this stuff. Do some cocaine addicts think they have feelings when they are high, or only care about you sexually and pretend the rest?
Do some addicts have so little control over emotions that they genuinly like you one day and not the next?
Do some addicts try to be mean as possible to keep you from getting sucked into their problems?
Or is this guy really this mean??? He went from telling me I was adorable, beautiful, talented and me feeling he was smart and intriguing and kind....to treating me like trash, putting me down and ignoring me. WTF could I have done differently. Why wouldnt he just tell me from the beginning what I was dealing with so I could research and decide for myself rather then wait till im attached and thoroughly insult me???
and WHY THE BLEEP DO I CARE? any thoughts would be appreciated. I really wanted to be nice to this person. wanted to like him, having trouble seperating reality from illusion.
but i cant stop dwelling and trying to understand. understand how he felt? what he wanted? This person came on strong, but was hot cold. He was more bold and sexual than most guys. Im naive but I knid of liked it I guess so i started to have feelings for him. It took a while but I started putting things together and realizing his cocaine habit might be bad...like really bad. BAD BAD.
first i thought it was a hell of a cold, and he was moody. then i saw him do it and thought it was just because we were drinking. then i noticed aLOT of tissues in every trash can. Then the fact that he flaked on some plans. I went from thinking he was fickle about how he felt to being really scared and started pulling away from him. he sucked me back in, saying he had some issues but wanted us to be friends. He told me he had strong feelings for me.
Since I have no idea how to be supportive or what to say to a person in his shoes that would benefit him I didnt like how on edge I felt. I felt in over my head and just decided to tell him he needs to get rid of his habit, that hes got two personalities that i cant figure out which one he is. That its bringing me down
He seems as though he genuiinly wants to be nice, but his frustration flares. He seems like hes got lots of walls, but hes also smart and i wonder if he knew this would hook me. He forgets things I tell him about myself and only seems to remember things that have to do with sex. He is sex obsessed, and talks about porn a lot, wants to text dirty or else seems bored. Anyways he ends up saying he cant handle me anymore (super insulting because I was trying to understand without being too invasive). Says Im not his type . Tells me Im too short for his taste. Tells me I annoy him when I talk, that he isnt listening. That he lost interest after sex.
This stuff is so degrading and mean and Im having a hard time with wanting to believe he means this stuff. Do some cocaine addicts think they have feelings when they are high, or only care about you sexually and pretend the rest?
Do some addicts have so little control over emotions that they genuinly like you one day and not the next?
Do some addicts try to be mean as possible to keep you from getting sucked into their problems?
Or is this guy really this mean??? He went from telling me I was adorable, beautiful, talented and me feeling he was smart and intriguing and kind....to treating me like trash, putting me down and ignoring me. WTF could I have done differently. Why wouldnt he just tell me from the beginning what I was dealing with so I could research and decide for myself rather then wait till im attached and thoroughly insult me???
and WHY THE BLEEP DO I CARE? any thoughts would be appreciated. I really wanted to be nice to this person. wanted to like him, having trouble seperating reality from illusion.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
I am going through the EXACT same thing with my boyfriend who uses cocaine and I have found myself asking the same questions. He recently decided to put me out, yet days earlier we were talking about having a baby and buying a house. Theres no in between.
Stay strong chicka!
Stay strong chicka!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 18
ugh thank God- i mean im sorry you feel this too. im making plans to go out and trying to get dolled up and stuff but im so damn depressed i barely want to. trying to let it roll off my back though. you stay strong too
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
Ya I mean you definitely have to do things for yourself, I loved reading, shopping, and going out to eat with friends. Dont feel the need to carry the addiction for him or let him degrade you. You also have to understand that anything he says will not make sense. My guy would literally go from talking about having a baby and buying a house to tell me to get out. I feel like deep down he cares, but he loves the drug more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 18
oh i know ive been twisted into knots, I was gorgeous and he felt electricity being around me to im shorter than hed like and i talk too much (incidently im like the softest spoken shyest person ever).
the best was despite the habit he has, that i dont (ive got my issues but i try to take them head on) he took this condescending attitude that was driving me nuts. like he had big plans for his career and he was excited and i didnt fit in with these big plans. meanwhile i just got promoted, he just got fired, and i actually drink his kool aid and feel like im a loser whos not good enough. despite how illogical it is, i feel that way.
the best was despite the habit he has, that i dont (ive got my issues but i try to take them head on) he took this condescending attitude that was driving me nuts. like he had big plans for his career and he was excited and i didnt fit in with these big plans. meanwhile i just got promoted, he just got fired, and i actually drink his kool aid and feel like im a loser whos not good enough. despite how illogical it is, i feel that way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
ya i hear that. apparently my guy told a neighbor i was somebody elses trash that he picked up from the homeless shelter when days earlier he talked about marriage. like one minute im garbage the next im a bride? i know my worth and we've been friends awhile, ive never been in a homeless shelter, and hes the loser
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
honestly it doesnt even hurt me, i know its the drugs and that lifestyle and not him, theres nothing he can do to surprise me anymore. thats what im working on, i set up a counseling appointment for tomorrow hopefully that will be a good start to my new life
good luck. you sound like a cool chick. glad your being a champ about it and not letting it knock you down
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: BC
Posts: 111
Idk much. But all I know is when my ABF is on cocaine. He is extremely horny. He will watch porn for few hours (I mean over 6 hours or more). He didn't want me to know, but I'm a tech girl (that's what I do for my job and speciality). He can't hide anything from me from his computer or cell phone. So I think cocaine and sex are very related to each other. One time, he wanted to find out how come he does that (watch porn) every time he uses, he even googled why cocaine makes sex feel good.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Toronto
Posts: 17
OK.
I'm just reading these and I can't not respond. All I can think is NOPE. NOPE. NOT OK.
I totally get it. I'm still dealing with being kindof obsessed/heartbroken about my ex bf, and it was similar stuff - always black and white, hot and cold, crazy in love and the next hour I was "too much" for him or "making him crazy". Any problem that I had with his behaviour was turned into a fight, where at the end we both agreed it was my "issues" causing the problem, always. It was NONSENSE. And I stayed in it. Even now, thinking about him and missing him, I'm staying involved in the drama nonsense.
So please understand, I have absolutely no judgement of you feeling the things you feel. I really do get it, I get the hot sex, and the infatuation, and the moments of intimacy or vulnerability coupled with moments of rejection, criticism, and just weirdness and confusion. It is truly f***d, and unless it's a dynamic that someone has been a part of, it can be very hard to explain to people. And the thing is, to the person swimming around in that, a friend on the outside saying "You deserve more" can sometimes feel meaningless...at least I know in my case, people saying I "deserved" more didn't seem to make a lot of sense...because in my mind, who deserves more than another person? Did I somehow "deserve" more than another woman??
When it all really began to shift for me was the realization that I didn't want to be the girl I was when I was with my ex. I was obsessive, insecure, jealous, angry, childish, complaining, inactive, scared. I was a lame, smaller version of myself. I was also madly in love, or so I thought, and that for me trumped all of the other stuff. But now that the sex and love haze has been forcefully cleared due to some incredibly colourful behavior from my ex post-breakup, I realize that I just DON'T want to be that same lost girl, ever again. I'm on my way to becoming a grown a** woman, and if I have to wait a long time to meet an actual, live, grown a** man, I will do so. I don't need another boy who will mess with my head, my feelings, my body, my heart. I don't need another boy who will say one thing and do another, or say one thing one moment and then a day later say the opposite. It was a total mindf**k. It is not good enough, for anyone. And the person that you have to become to absorb this behaviour isn't good enough either.
So I don't think it's about thinking what you deserve to "get". It's about who you deserve to be in this life.
I'm just reading these and I can't not respond. All I can think is NOPE. NOPE. NOT OK.
I totally get it. I'm still dealing with being kindof obsessed/heartbroken about my ex bf, and it was similar stuff - always black and white, hot and cold, crazy in love and the next hour I was "too much" for him or "making him crazy". Any problem that I had with his behaviour was turned into a fight, where at the end we both agreed it was my "issues" causing the problem, always. It was NONSENSE. And I stayed in it. Even now, thinking about him and missing him, I'm staying involved in the drama nonsense.
So please understand, I have absolutely no judgement of you feeling the things you feel. I really do get it, I get the hot sex, and the infatuation, and the moments of intimacy or vulnerability coupled with moments of rejection, criticism, and just weirdness and confusion. It is truly f***d, and unless it's a dynamic that someone has been a part of, it can be very hard to explain to people. And the thing is, to the person swimming around in that, a friend on the outside saying "You deserve more" can sometimes feel meaningless...at least I know in my case, people saying I "deserved" more didn't seem to make a lot of sense...because in my mind, who deserves more than another person? Did I somehow "deserve" more than another woman??
When it all really began to shift for me was the realization that I didn't want to be the girl I was when I was with my ex. I was obsessive, insecure, jealous, angry, childish, complaining, inactive, scared. I was a lame, smaller version of myself. I was also madly in love, or so I thought, and that for me trumped all of the other stuff. But now that the sex and love haze has been forcefully cleared due to some incredibly colourful behavior from my ex post-breakup, I realize that I just DON'T want to be that same lost girl, ever again. I'm on my way to becoming a grown a** woman, and if I have to wait a long time to meet an actual, live, grown a** man, I will do so. I don't need another boy who will mess with my head, my feelings, my body, my heart. I don't need another boy who will say one thing and do another, or say one thing one moment and then a day later say the opposite. It was a total mindf**k. It is not good enough, for anyone. And the person that you have to become to absorb this behaviour isn't good enough either.
So I don't think it's about thinking what you deserve to "get". It's about who you deserve to be in this life.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
As a former cocaine addict (and a guy), let me try to answer your questions.... answers in red.
Really sorry that you are going through this but that drug is EXTREMELY addicting and until he is DETERMINED to get clean there is nothing you can say or do to influence him.
Please take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by OttersHoldHands 
understand how he felt? Not possible because he doesn't know how he feels from one minute to the next.
what he wanted? Again, almost impossible to figure out because of the coke. He wanted sex, that is obvious...
Do some cocaine addicts think they have feelings when they are high, or only care about you sexually and pretend the rest? Yes. He would do just about anything to get what he wants (sex) when he wants it.
Do some addicts have so little control over emotions that they genuinly like you one day and not the next? Yes and No.... Depending on where he was in his snorting (or smoking) cycle. Coke messes up your ability to deal with reality, so he will lie, fake it, dismiss it or just ignore the emotions and there is no way to know which.
Do some addicts try to be mean as possible to keep you from getting sucked into their problems? Could be.... more than likely, he was jonesing for more coke and that is what got him agitated.
Or is this guy really this mean??? You will only be able to answer this if and when he gets completely clean. From an ex addict..... I don't recommend you hang around to wait for this to happen.....
Why wouldnt he just tell me from the beginning what I was dealing with so I could research and decide for myself rather then wait till im attached and thoroughly insult me??? Easy... he didn't want to lose you.
and WHY THE BLEEP DO I CARE? Love can blind us but only you can answer this question.
what he wanted? Again, almost impossible to figure out because of the coke. He wanted sex, that is obvious...
Do some cocaine addicts think they have feelings when they are high, or only care about you sexually and pretend the rest? Yes. He would do just about anything to get what he wants (sex) when he wants it.
Do some addicts have so little control over emotions that they genuinly like you one day and not the next? Yes and No.... Depending on where he was in his snorting (or smoking) cycle. Coke messes up your ability to deal with reality, so he will lie, fake it, dismiss it or just ignore the emotions and there is no way to know which.
Do some addicts try to be mean as possible to keep you from getting sucked into their problems? Could be.... more than likely, he was jonesing for more coke and that is what got him agitated.
Or is this guy really this mean??? You will only be able to answer this if and when he gets completely clean. From an ex addict..... I don't recommend you hang around to wait for this to happen.....
Why wouldnt he just tell me from the beginning what I was dealing with so I could research and decide for myself rather then wait till im attached and thoroughly insult me??? Easy... he didn't want to lose you.
and WHY THE BLEEP DO I CARE? Love can blind us but only you can answer this question.
Please take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: MN, USA
Posts: 55
You definitely put a ton of things in prospective. The one thing I didnt understand either was if he didnt tell me up front he was a user because he didnt want to lose me, than why was he treating me like he couldnt careless??? That never made sense to me.
as a sober contributor
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: California
Posts: 1,312
Originally Posted by catlady14
You definitely put a ton of things in prospective. The one thing I didnt understand either was if he didnt tell me up front he was a user because he didnt want to lose me, than why was he treating me like he couldnt careless??? That never made sense to me.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
The one thing I didnt understand either was if he didnt tell me up front he was a user because he didnt want to lose me, than why was he treating me like he couldnt careless??? That never made sense to me.
sure it does...it's called EGO. look at how poorly i can treat this chick and she still hangs around and begs for more.
sure it does...it's called EGO. look at how poorly i can treat this chick and she still hangs around and begs for more.
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