He chose the DOG over ME!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
He chose the DOG over ME!
Hi guys,
My RABF & I have been getting on great. He is staying at his Mum's & was staying over 2-3 nights/week. However, his sister has a dog but has a lot of health problems & can't take the dog out very often so my RABF began taking the dog long walks then he would take him overnight or over the weekend then eventually full-time. He didn't discuss this decision with me & I am allergic to cats & dogs!
He said that if, in time, we were going to get back together properly then we would cross that bridge when we came to it & his sister would just have to have the dog back. However, I think he thought that, over time, I'd give in & have the dog in my flat. I told him this was not going to be the case, I was going to start decorating the hall after the year therefore, a decision would have to be made. I suggested that he go to his sisters and take the dog out daily but he now says that the dog has helped, massively, with his recovery as it forces him to get up & go for a long walk in the mornings. He is an early riser & was going for morning walks anyway! He said he is standing by his decision & I told him that, for the first time in our relationship, I was not changing my decision either.
I am rather sad it has come to this but I feel quite angry too as he is basically saying the dog helps his recovery more than I do. It can't say very much for the way he feels about me. He has always been very selfish & I am sick of being the one to back down & let him have it this way. I have supported him so much over the past 5 1/2 years & he can't see this from my side for once!
I now feel that the past 5 1/2 years have been a total waste of my time & effort. I have put up with sooooo much from him and yet I stuck by him through it all..........and he chooses a dog over me! He can't have felt much for me, could he?
Anyways, I just needed to vent & any words of encouragement would be great as I feel a cloud of sadness hovering over me
Love & Serenity
My RABF & I have been getting on great. He is staying at his Mum's & was staying over 2-3 nights/week. However, his sister has a dog but has a lot of health problems & can't take the dog out very often so my RABF began taking the dog long walks then he would take him overnight or over the weekend then eventually full-time. He didn't discuss this decision with me & I am allergic to cats & dogs!
He said that if, in time, we were going to get back together properly then we would cross that bridge when we came to it & his sister would just have to have the dog back. However, I think he thought that, over time, I'd give in & have the dog in my flat. I told him this was not going to be the case, I was going to start decorating the hall after the year therefore, a decision would have to be made. I suggested that he go to his sisters and take the dog out daily but he now says that the dog has helped, massively, with his recovery as it forces him to get up & go for a long walk in the mornings. He is an early riser & was going for morning walks anyway! He said he is standing by his decision & I told him that, for the first time in our relationship, I was not changing my decision either.
I am rather sad it has come to this but I feel quite angry too as he is basically saying the dog helps his recovery more than I do. It can't say very much for the way he feels about me. He has always been very selfish & I am sick of being the one to back down & let him have it this way. I have supported him so much over the past 5 1/2 years & he can't see this from my side for once!
I now feel that the past 5 1/2 years have been a total waste of my time & effort. I have put up with sooooo much from him and yet I stuck by him through it all..........and he chooses a dog over me! He can't have felt much for me, could he?
Anyways, I just needed to vent & any words of encouragement would be great as I feel a cloud of sadness hovering over me
Love & Serenity
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 111
Can't the dog stay at the sisters and then he will have even more motivation to get over there and take care of it. Great that the dog is helping his recovery, but you are allergic - nope, not in your flat.
He will need to make the trek -
b.
He will need to make the trek -
b.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 98
The dog may help his recovery more than you do. Dogs have no expectations, do not talk, provide comfort.
Do you really want to be with someone who is so selfish? Have you wasted 5 1/2 years if you have discovered that your needs are important?
I understand your anger. It sounds like a healthy response.
Do you really want to be with someone who is so selfish? Have you wasted 5 1/2 years if you have discovered that your needs are important?
I understand your anger. It sounds like a healthy response.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: gods own country
Posts: 12,168
SteppingStone, I truly understand your hurt feelings, but can I just give a slightly different slant here and please forgive me if I am way off base. I feel that your boyfriend is appreciating the fact that here, he has a simple, easy to manage responsibility. A routine that he can get into, and a companion he doesn't need to talk to, but if he does talk, just listens. Pease understand that I feel, in his way, your boyfriend is actually making baby steps of progress towards becoming a more responsible person. I am sorry that you feel it is to the detriment of your relationship, but I feel you need to consider it an important spect of his recovery. I am a recovering alcoholic ( who also previously had an alcoholic husband before I drank to excess, so believe me I do know both sides) and early on anyone serious about their recovery has to put it first. Sometimes to the detriment of existing relationships.
Now is not to he time for ultimatums, or foot stamping, but for patience and understanding. If he believes the dog helps his sobriety, isn't that the important thing? Instead of trying to force his hand, perhaps you could join him on his walks occasionally, show that you have nothing against the dog. I too am allergic to dogs, but I take medication which allows me to keep my gorgeous avatar Molly. She has been a tremendous help in my recovery, and we are at the beginning of an unfortunately necessary 6 month separation just now, and I am missing my companion, confidante, silent support and responsibility.
I hope that things work out for you, and I am sorry that I probably do not sound like I am soothing ruffled feathers, fact is right now, he probably does need the dog more than you; it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want the relationship to work. It means he needs to to continue being caring and understanding.
Now is not to he time for ultimatums, or foot stamping, but for patience and understanding. If he believes the dog helps his sobriety, isn't that the important thing? Instead of trying to force his hand, perhaps you could join him on his walks occasionally, show that you have nothing against the dog. I too am allergic to dogs, but I take medication which allows me to keep my gorgeous avatar Molly. She has been a tremendous help in my recovery, and we are at the beginning of an unfortunately necessary 6 month separation just now, and I am missing my companion, confidante, silent support and responsibility.
I hope that things work out for you, and I am sorry that I probably do not sound like I am soothing ruffled feathers, fact is right now, he probably does need the dog more than you; it doesn't mean he doesn't love you or want the relationship to work. It means he needs to to continue being caring and understanding.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and I must say my dogs are a huge part of my success.
I do walk them in the woods almost daily, and that gets me out and moving and not thinking about drinking or stressful issues.
They have no judgement, don't need to have conversations, and they love me no matter what.
I understand you have issues with allergies, but I wanted to share with you how helpful a dog can be when someone is really early in recovery and also afterwords.
It isn't really he is "choosing the dog" so much as he most likely has found something that really really helps him not to use.
Please don't take it personally or as a preference. I don't think you should issue an absolute this early since he is making a real effort here from your comments.
Of course I'm not saying you need to live with the dog, but making him choose right now may be too much.
It sounds like there are much deeper issues here which are being triggered.
If you look around this site, many folks have their dogs or cats as their avatars for a reason.
Dogs (cats, pets in general) can indeed really help with quitting for good and / or emotional management even if you aren't the addict.
My dogs are a daily reminder of my responsibility beyond myself (they must rely on me for care) and also what is good in life--nature, connection, and love.
Best to you
I do walk them in the woods almost daily, and that gets me out and moving and not thinking about drinking or stressful issues.
They have no judgement, don't need to have conversations, and they love me no matter what.
I understand you have issues with allergies, but I wanted to share with you how helpful a dog can be when someone is really early in recovery and also afterwords.
It isn't really he is "choosing the dog" so much as he most likely has found something that really really helps him not to use.
Please don't take it personally or as a preference. I don't think you should issue an absolute this early since he is making a real effort here from your comments.
Of course I'm not saying you need to live with the dog, but making him choose right now may be too much.
It sounds like there are much deeper issues here which are being triggered.
If you look around this site, many folks have their dogs or cats as their avatars for a reason.
Dogs (cats, pets in general) can indeed really help with quitting for good and / or emotional management even if you aren't the addict.
My dogs are a daily reminder of my responsibility beyond myself (they must rely on me for care) and also what is good in life--nature, connection, and love.
Best to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I suggested that he go to his sisters and take the dog out daily but he now says that the dog has helped, massively, with his recovery as it forces him to get up & go for a long walk in the mornings.
he is basically saying the dog helps his recovery more than I do.
I really don't see your connection at all! the dog has given him something outside of himself to focus on. a happy helpless tail waggin' critter that NEEDS a human to take care of him. AND he's helping his sister out! that's a real win win, to me.
no matter much we help, aid, assist or support another's recovery, we don't own it. no matter how much we put up with, endured, etc. that was always OUR choice. he IS clean today, he IS finding ways to build his recovery, that's really GOOD stuff.
he is basically saying the dog helps his recovery more than I do.
I really don't see your connection at all! the dog has given him something outside of himself to focus on. a happy helpless tail waggin' critter that NEEDS a human to take care of him. AND he's helping his sister out! that's a real win win, to me.
no matter much we help, aid, assist or support another's recovery, we don't own it. no matter how much we put up with, endured, etc. that was always OUR choice. he IS clean today, he IS finding ways to build his recovery, that's really GOOD stuff.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
I would fly from SanFrancisco to London to Ireland, then drive about four hours to see my mother every six months or so.
I did this the first time and after about 45 minutes,
She asked me to leave the kitchen because the dog didn't like people around while she ate.
I forgive my mother.
Kind of.....
I did this the first time and after about 45 minutes,
She asked me to leave the kitchen because the dog didn't like people around while she ate.
I forgive my mother.
Kind of.....
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Lol,
The dog!
RIP Jill.
Now, their new dog is a herding dog that was going for the big sleep.
We know why now.
She crouches for hours "watching" the cows.
She does an awful lot of watching.
The cat puts his paws over my mothers mouth when she talks too much.
We like the cat.
Big Cat and Small Cat. Or Big Kitty/ Small Kitty.
My parents are old school, name the dog, not the cats.
It is quite the circus.
The dog!
RIP Jill.
Now, their new dog is a herding dog that was going for the big sleep.
We know why now.
She crouches for hours "watching" the cows.
She does an awful lot of watching.
The cat puts his paws over my mothers mouth when she talks too much.
We like the cat.
Big Cat and Small Cat. Or Big Kitty/ Small Kitty.
My parents are old school, name the dog, not the cats.
It is quite the circus.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
You have 5 1/2 years invested in this relationship. If it is one you want to continue, I should think you both can come up with a plan. We all have ways of dealing with pressures, stress, and sobriety. It is his sisters dog but she too has needs right now. I can understand your feelings but his also. You both need to work on a solution if you want this to work out. Tread lightly. Why not just for now, leave things as they are. If this is meant to be, it will happen. If you decide it isn't worth continuing, then you have nothing to worry about. Hope this works out for all of you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Stepping,
The bottom line is, it hurts your feelings.
There are a lot of families who resent AA for the same reason.
"I begged him/her for years to Just Stop! and then a bunch of strangers get it done in a month!"
Or, "Great, he/she has stopped drinking, finally, and now he/she is out every night at meetings!"
Or, "Who the hey is this guy George?/Mary?, Like I never told him/her to go have a shower, eat something and just don't drink!!!!????"
The bottom line is, it hurts your feelings.
There are a lot of families who resent AA for the same reason.
"I begged him/her for years to Just Stop! and then a bunch of strangers get it done in a month!"
Or, "Great, he/she has stopped drinking, finally, and now he/she is out every night at meetings!"
Or, "Who the hey is this guy George?/Mary?, Like I never told him/her to go have a shower, eat something and just don't drink!!!!????"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I think hollyanne is on to something.
After months to years of being ignored by the active addict...they move on to dogs and meetings and you are now feeling another type of 2nd-fiddle-syndrome.
I had never thought of it this way but it's true.
After months to years of being ignored by the active addict...they move on to dogs and meetings and you are now feeling another type of 2nd-fiddle-syndrome.
I had never thought of it this way but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by Txhelp 
I think hollyanne is on to something.
After months to years of being ignored by the active addict...they move on to dogs and meetings and you are now feeling another type of 2nd-fiddle-syndrome.
I had never thought of it this way but it's true.
After months to years of being ignored by the active addict...they move on to dogs and meetings and you are now feeling another type of 2nd-fiddle-syndrome.
I had never thought of it this way but it's true.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 88
What a quandry... but I must make an observation here...
Is it REALLY about the actual dog? or is this more to do with winning/losing?
sort of like the old "you squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong part of the tube" or "you don't put the toilet paper on the roller the right way"... kind of problems...
In most cases, its not really the toothpaste or toilet paper that are the real issues...
Just thinking.....
Is it REALLY about the actual dog? or is this more to do with winning/losing?
sort of like the old "you squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong part of the tube" or "you don't put the toilet paper on the roller the right way"... kind of problems...
In most cases, its not really the toothpaste or toilet paper that are the real issues...
Just thinking.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Scotland, UK
Posts: 79
Bookreader: I have suggested this to no avail.
Stucco: I understand what you mean about the dog and, no, I don't want to be with someone who is so self-centred and selfish. I know this is part of the illness but it is just hard to take after what I have invested in this relationship.
tootsl1: I do understand what your saying and I didn't exactly give him an ultimatum but I did plan to decorate my hall after the year. I have started decorating and don't want a dog coming in, from our great Scottish weather, and shaking all over the place. I have gave in to all of his needs, wether I wanted to or not, because I am learning to understand his needs and his recovery process but this is just the 1 thing that I can't give in to. He's known Im not a dog person, am allergic to them and have mild OCD so can't bear the smell, hairs or mess.
Hawkeye13: That makes sense but I did buy him a van a month into his recovery as he convinced me that this would really help his recovery and open up so many more offers of employment therefore he could earn his own money & feel more independent. Ten months later and he still hasn't found a job, hasn't even been trying. I suggested putting an ad on a local site offering a Dog Walking Service, this way he could walk dogs everyday and earn extra cash. He thought this was a great idea but asked me to do all the work so I got cards made up, I put the ads out there & I bought some toys & treats. He got some emails but never replied to them!
AnvilheadII: I do see what you're saying. One thing I didn't mention (but this may just go hand in hand with the illness) is that he is very stubborn and has never gave in to anything I've asked during the course of our relationship - in or out of recovery.
Kris47: His sister has had health problems all her life. It was her recently-ex-husbands idea to get a dog & now the have split up, she doesn't want him to have the dog. Surely all the dog lovers think that this man should be given the choice of having his dog?
Hollyanne & Txhelp: This is totally how I am feeling
HumbleNumb: This is NOT about winning or losing because if it was I always lose
I appreciate all the advice from all sides, it just really hurts. I love him so much & I feel like I have a gaping hole without him.
Stucco: I understand what you mean about the dog and, no, I don't want to be with someone who is so self-centred and selfish. I know this is part of the illness but it is just hard to take after what I have invested in this relationship.
tootsl1: I do understand what your saying and I didn't exactly give him an ultimatum but I did plan to decorate my hall after the year. I have started decorating and don't want a dog coming in, from our great Scottish weather, and shaking all over the place. I have gave in to all of his needs, wether I wanted to or not, because I am learning to understand his needs and his recovery process but this is just the 1 thing that I can't give in to. He's known Im not a dog person, am allergic to them and have mild OCD so can't bear the smell, hairs or mess.
Hawkeye13: That makes sense but I did buy him a van a month into his recovery as he convinced me that this would really help his recovery and open up so many more offers of employment therefore he could earn his own money & feel more independent. Ten months later and he still hasn't found a job, hasn't even been trying. I suggested putting an ad on a local site offering a Dog Walking Service, this way he could walk dogs everyday and earn extra cash. He thought this was a great idea but asked me to do all the work so I got cards made up, I put the ads out there & I bought some toys & treats. He got some emails but never replied to them!
AnvilheadII: I do see what you're saying. One thing I didn't mention (but this may just go hand in hand with the illness) is that he is very stubborn and has never gave in to anything I've asked during the course of our relationship - in or out of recovery.
Kris47: His sister has had health problems all her life. It was her recently-ex-husbands idea to get a dog & now the have split up, she doesn't want him to have the dog. Surely all the dog lovers think that this man should be given the choice of having his dog?
Hollyanne & Txhelp: This is totally how I am feeling
HumbleNumb: This is NOT about winning or losing because if it was I always lose
I appreciate all the advice from all sides, it just really hurts. I love him so much & I feel like I have a gaping hole without him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
I've been in a lot of horrible, somewhat long term (2-4 yr.) relationships, and never saw a single one of them as wasted time. I learned and grew from every one of them, and now consider them all schooling for the relationship I have with my wife for 17 years. There's no way I could have possibly learned the communication, love, and commitment I presently have without making all the mistakes I made before I met her.
Like others have stated, it sounds to me like the problem runs a little deeper than a decision btwn a dog and you. It doesn't sound like you're having a whole lot of fun. I'd suggest looking into what you need to grow past this relationship, into a healthier, happier, more satisfying one. IMO, as long as we keep blaming the other person for our unhappiness, we're playing a losing game. It wasn't until I started changing me, that I started to move away from crazy, lieing women, to the compassionate, grounded, intelligient, and loving woman I'm now spending my life with.
And while I almost don't want to add this, I feel it's only right that I do. My wife was very allergic to cats when I met her. I had 2 cats. She somehow dealt with her allergies, took over the counter meds for them when it got really bad, tried a couple of holistic remedies (that didn't seem to work at the time)... and well, lo and behold, she's no longer allergic to cats. She ourgrew them? The holistic remedies worked, when it seemed they didn't? I can't explain it, but it's real. My 2 other cats passed away this year, we just got 2 new kittens a few months back, and she hasn't sneezed in years.
I wish you the best.
Like others have stated, it sounds to me like the problem runs a little deeper than a decision btwn a dog and you. It doesn't sound like you're having a whole lot of fun. I'd suggest looking into what you need to grow past this relationship, into a healthier, happier, more satisfying one. IMO, as long as we keep blaming the other person for our unhappiness, we're playing a losing game. It wasn't until I started changing me, that I started to move away from crazy, lieing women, to the compassionate, grounded, intelligient, and loving woman I'm now spending my life with.
And while I almost don't want to add this, I feel it's only right that I do. My wife was very allergic to cats when I met her. I had 2 cats. She somehow dealt with her allergies, took over the counter meds for them when it got really bad, tried a couple of holistic remedies (that didn't seem to work at the time)... and well, lo and behold, she's no longer allergic to cats. She ourgrew them? The holistic remedies worked, when it seemed they didn't? I can't explain it, but it's real. My 2 other cats passed away this year, we just got 2 new kittens a few months back, and she hasn't sneezed in years.
I wish you the best.
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