New and confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 7
New and confused
Hi,
Dec. 29th 2012 was the exact date that my AH decided to confide in me about his drinking. He had been on a week+ bender, drinking a pint a day of vodka and was starting to show signs of withdrawal. I was at his side when I rushed him to the ER. I sat with him as they prodded him with questions and started an IV line. I stood by him while his addict mother charged into his room (all the while intoxicated herself) and told the nurses that I was a terrible wife who suffered from multiple personalities and that I didn't deserve her son (epic eye-roll of the century). We spent the New Years laying in his bed together. And, because of the holidays, we spent a total of 5 days in the hospital while they (the military) arranged for him to attend inpatient rehab for 6 weeks.
I'm no martyr. I felt that I was doing what was expected of a supportive spouse (well, what I would expect anyways). He got a sponsor, attended multiple weekly meetings, we started couple's counseling, and I had my own weekly therapy sessions. Everything seemed on track. Two months out of rehab, he had a slight lapse. It wasn't a bender, so I wouldn't call it a relapse, but he did have a drink. He seemed remorseful, so I didn't feel worried. But, then came another lapse a month later. He was remorseful once more, and I thought I needed to give him another chance. But then these lapses became more and more frequent, and I became more and more resentful.
Eventually, AH dropped his sponsor and stopped attending meetings (7-8 months post-rehab). But, when he agreed to enter rehab, he also agreed to abstain from drinking for one full year from the date of his release. Otherwise, the military would be forced to kick him out for being a treatment failure. I constantly remind/ed him of this (since he's a career military). I figured, all I needed was proof that he was intoxicated, and his command would be all over him. Nope. They've told me several times that I'm SOL. Just like them to make promises they can't keep.
So, here we are, almost a year after his release. He's still heavily drinking (Just tonight, I found a large bottle of vodka hiding in the upper tank of the toilet in my downstairs restroom, only about an inch of alcohol left in it). He's still in denial, still lying, sneaking, and using alcohol as a coping mechanism for his emotional instability. There have been many times when I've wanted to leave, but I don't really have any decent options available. I'm currently on state disability and I'm trying to obtain SS disability, but that can take some time to process (especially since I'm in my mid-20's). My limited income makes it impossible to move out on my own (ugh, CA is ridiculously expensive). I couldn't even work if I wanted to, due to numerous health issues which make it impossible (most recently, I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized and held on a 5150, can you guess what caused me so much stress?).
My parents relocated to Asheville, NC about 2 years ago, and my mom is constantly asking me to move out with them. I'd love to, but I'm beyond scared. Maybe I could leave and visit for just the summer? Put some space between our relationship for a couple of months? Or, is it not even worth any more of my time and energy? Part of me would just love to spring it on him last minute, make him sweat a little. Maybe that's just wishful thinking though.
Sorry for the long post!!
Dec. 29th 2012 was the exact date that my AH decided to confide in me about his drinking. He had been on a week+ bender, drinking a pint a day of vodka and was starting to show signs of withdrawal. I was at his side when I rushed him to the ER. I sat with him as they prodded him with questions and started an IV line. I stood by him while his addict mother charged into his room (all the while intoxicated herself) and told the nurses that I was a terrible wife who suffered from multiple personalities and that I didn't deserve her son (epic eye-roll of the century). We spent the New Years laying in his bed together. And, because of the holidays, we spent a total of 5 days in the hospital while they (the military) arranged for him to attend inpatient rehab for 6 weeks.
I'm no martyr. I felt that I was doing what was expected of a supportive spouse (well, what I would expect anyways). He got a sponsor, attended multiple weekly meetings, we started couple's counseling, and I had my own weekly therapy sessions. Everything seemed on track. Two months out of rehab, he had a slight lapse. It wasn't a bender, so I wouldn't call it a relapse, but he did have a drink. He seemed remorseful, so I didn't feel worried. But, then came another lapse a month later. He was remorseful once more, and I thought I needed to give him another chance. But then these lapses became more and more frequent, and I became more and more resentful.
Eventually, AH dropped his sponsor and stopped attending meetings (7-8 months post-rehab). But, when he agreed to enter rehab, he also agreed to abstain from drinking for one full year from the date of his release. Otherwise, the military would be forced to kick him out for being a treatment failure. I constantly remind/ed him of this (since he's a career military). I figured, all I needed was proof that he was intoxicated, and his command would be all over him. Nope. They've told me several times that I'm SOL. Just like them to make promises they can't keep.
So, here we are, almost a year after his release. He's still heavily drinking (Just tonight, I found a large bottle of vodka hiding in the upper tank of the toilet in my downstairs restroom, only about an inch of alcohol left in it). He's still in denial, still lying, sneaking, and using alcohol as a coping mechanism for his emotional instability. There have been many times when I've wanted to leave, but I don't really have any decent options available. I'm currently on state disability and I'm trying to obtain SS disability, but that can take some time to process (especially since I'm in my mid-20's). My limited income makes it impossible to move out on my own (ugh, CA is ridiculously expensive). I couldn't even work if I wanted to, due to numerous health issues which make it impossible (most recently, I had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized and held on a 5150, can you guess what caused me so much stress?).
My parents relocated to Asheville, NC about 2 years ago, and my mom is constantly asking me to move out with them. I'd love to, but I'm beyond scared. Maybe I could leave and visit for just the summer? Put some space between our relationship for a couple of months? Or, is it not even worth any more of my time and energy? Part of me would just love to spring it on him last minute, make him sweat a little. Maybe that's just wishful thinking though.
Sorry for the long post!!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Welcome, MissTM. Sorry you had to find us, but glad you're here. I think his command is recognizing what it seems you aren't just yet: they can't make him stop drinking. And neither can you. The only person who can make him stop is himself. Doesn't sound like he wants it, so he's making his choices. Could it ruin his career? Very likely so. Could it ruin a lot of other stuff? Definitely. But he is making choices for himself, and he will have to face the consequences. The question for you is, what are YOUR choices? What are you doing for yourself in all of this? Are you attending Al-Anon? Taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do right now. None of us has a crystal ball to tell you what's going to happen, but we can lend you an ear and give our experiences and knowing empathy as you navigate these murky waters.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
You're afraid you can't care for yourself but you just wait til the military dumps his ass! Guess who he thinks is gonna take care of him? YOU! His WIFEY!!! You think he's bad right now? You just wait and see how much worse it can get because it will! He is just not ready to crawl out of the bottle.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,688
Hi MissTM, welcome to sr.
You're going through an awful lot just now, I cannot give any advice, but keep visiting, posting and reading. There's a lot of information for relatives of alcoholics.
A visit to your mums sounds inviting for a while.
Take care x
You're going through an awful lot just now, I cannot give any advice, but keep visiting, posting and reading. There's a lot of information for relatives of alcoholics.
A visit to your mums sounds inviting for a while.
Take care x
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello MissTM, Welcome to SR!
Sounds like it has been quite a ride with your husband this past year...I'm so sorry to hear it.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but perhaps some time visiting your parents will allow you the distance (emotional and physical) that you need to make the best decision for yourself.
Please take good care!
Sounds like it has been quite a ride with your husband this past year...I'm so sorry to hear it.
I can't tell you whether to stay or go, but perhaps some time visiting your parents will allow you the distance (emotional and physical) that you need to make the best decision for yourself.
Please take good care!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Looking at your situation from way out here I see this:
You have the option to go live with your parents, have a roof over your head, love and support.
Or
You remain with an active drinker who doesn't seem to WANT to stop and may at any moment lose his job and home that the military provides to him and YOU.
The picture seems pretty clear from here but only you can CHOSE your own future.
You have the option to go live with your parents, have a roof over your head, love and support.
Or
You remain with an active drinker who doesn't seem to WANT to stop and may at any moment lose his job and home that the military provides to him and YOU.
The picture seems pretty clear from here but only you can CHOSE your own future.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 39
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you I'm going through some similar stuffs with my bf (fiance supposedly). I've moved out and gone back to my parents, but I am unable to establish "no contact" with him. I know I should though.
I can't tell you what you should do. I'm in no place to do so. Being physically detached from him, I can't seem to stay detached emotionnally.
I don't have any advice, I just wanted to tell you I'm going through some similar stuffs with my bf (fiance supposedly). I've moved out and gone back to my parents, but I am unable to establish "no contact" with him. I know I should though.
I can't tell you what you should do. I'm in no place to do so. Being physically detached from him, I can't seem to stay detached emotionnally.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 7
Thanks for all the replies.
I have tried Al-Anon and I just felt that it wasn't a great fit for me. Also, since I go to quite a few Dr. appts throughout the week (anywhere between 3-6), it begins to get stressful if I add too much onto my plate at once.
It's kind of ridiculous, because I know that there's nothing I can do and that I have no control whatsoever. I'm fairly outspoken and don't really take crap from anyone, except when it comes to him.
Our 3-year wedding anniversary is coming up in March. I can't believe I've stayed around that long. I mean, this is the guy who's peed all over my things (several times, I've had to throw out lots of expensive makeup), embarrassed me in front of my family (numerous times), and has been emotionally unavailable on a daily/weekly basis. I get asked by friends, family, and therapists as to why I stick around. And, honestly, I'm not really sure anymore.
Thank you again for all the kind words!!
I have tried Al-Anon and I just felt that it wasn't a great fit for me. Also, since I go to quite a few Dr. appts throughout the week (anywhere between 3-6), it begins to get stressful if I add too much onto my plate at once.
It's kind of ridiculous, because I know that there's nothing I can do and that I have no control whatsoever. I'm fairly outspoken and don't really take crap from anyone, except when it comes to him.
Our 3-year wedding anniversary is coming up in March. I can't believe I've stayed around that long. I mean, this is the guy who's peed all over my things (several times, I've had to throw out lots of expensive makeup), embarrassed me in front of my family (numerous times), and has been emotionally unavailable on a daily/weekly basis. I get asked by friends, family, and therapists as to why I stick around. And, honestly, I'm not really sure anymore.
Thank you again for all the kind words!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What would you do if you weren't afraid???
Everything you want and deserve in life lies on the otherside of your fears.
It's the figuring out those fears first that help you walk through them to get to that other side.
Everything you want and deserve in life lies on the otherside of your fears.
It's the figuring out those fears first that help you walk through them to get to that other side.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Sounds like a tough time for both of you. I have serious health problems myself and I know how tough that is without living with someone with a serious drinking problem. Hope you find some answers here.
I'm an al anon member and it's helped me hugely, sorry to hear you haven't found the same relief. There is so much freedom for me in acknowledging and admitting i can't stop another person drinking or force them to change their life to my liking.
I'm an al anon member and it's helped me hugely, sorry to hear you haven't found the same relief. There is so much freedom for me in acknowledging and admitting i can't stop another person drinking or force them to change their life to my liking.
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