Feelings
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
Feelings
This is the hardest post I have ever written, but it is my hope that in writing this I will find freedom, peace, and forgiveness....all for myself. I have spent 20 years believing that I could "love" an addict into sobriety. My head tells me numerous times a day that i am trying to complete an impossible task, but my heart tells me to never give up. Society has taught us to follow our hearts and there we will find happiness. I don't even know what happiness is anymore - I'm not really sure I ever did. I believed that happiness could be achieved with the right people, possessions, and choices. As I continue to grow in my faith I learn that it a choice made everyday and no one or thing can bring it into your life.
What choice did I make everyday? I chose fear, shame, anger, unworthiness and resentment. I feared that I would never be good enough and that I would end up alone. I carried the shame of my addict and believed him everyday when he told me that I had caused the situation. I chose anger and resentment - I resented my addict, he could just go thru life without a care in the world, and I had to keep it all together. I spent so much time being angry that he brought this into our lives...and yet I never chose to remove it. And the most damaging of them all....unworthiness. I was not worthy of being loved and respected. I was not worthy of happiness. I was receiving all that was owed to me because of choices I had made in my life. I could give me addict the grace to try again, but never had I allowed myself the grace to make a mistake. My family was falling apart and I believed the lie that I was responsible for all of it....so I froze, right where I was and waited for someone to change my life. Often I put that responsibility on the addict. If he would just get his life together, then we would be ok. And here we are in a relationship, both frozen by fear, shame, anger, unworthiness and resentment.
I speak in the past, because today I make a new choice. I choose happiness. This is a new road for me, and I am confident that I will want to make many u turns, opting for the road that is familiar. Only I will allow myself the same grace I have given my addict. I will no longer allow fear in the driver's seat...he must go now. I'll take the wheel, and remind myself that I have one of the best road trip partners reading my map - God. He already knows my destination and he's been leading me there for years...only I cruised down the highway, radio blaring, believing that I was on this journey all by myself. I was driving and navigating.....NO MORE.
I'm still angry at my addict, but also sad. I am sad that addiction has consumed the man I fell in love with. I miss him. I often told him that I wanted him to be my best friend, and I had a picture of what that looked like. He didn't fulfill that picture and so I often begged him to be what I wanted, but now I see he was my best friend. He was the first person I wanted to see in the morning, and the last vision to end my day. He was the person I wanted to share my joys and my trials with. I had visions of us growing old together. Addiction has stolen all of that from me - it will now be his best friend. Just like I have chosen to believe his lies, he has chosen to believe it's lies. I pray someday he finds his co pilot, but I guess I am finally seeing that we have chosen different roads. I don't know what to do with that pain.
My journey ahead is a long one, and I am fearful of the bumps in the road that I cannot see. In true codie form I want to plan every step of this journey, but I cannot. I will travel today's road and trust that tomorrow will take care of itself.
What choice did I make everyday? I chose fear, shame, anger, unworthiness and resentment. I feared that I would never be good enough and that I would end up alone. I carried the shame of my addict and believed him everyday when he told me that I had caused the situation. I chose anger and resentment - I resented my addict, he could just go thru life without a care in the world, and I had to keep it all together. I spent so much time being angry that he brought this into our lives...and yet I never chose to remove it. And the most damaging of them all....unworthiness. I was not worthy of being loved and respected. I was not worthy of happiness. I was receiving all that was owed to me because of choices I had made in my life. I could give me addict the grace to try again, but never had I allowed myself the grace to make a mistake. My family was falling apart and I believed the lie that I was responsible for all of it....so I froze, right where I was and waited for someone to change my life. Often I put that responsibility on the addict. If he would just get his life together, then we would be ok. And here we are in a relationship, both frozen by fear, shame, anger, unworthiness and resentment.
I speak in the past, because today I make a new choice. I choose happiness. This is a new road for me, and I am confident that I will want to make many u turns, opting for the road that is familiar. Only I will allow myself the same grace I have given my addict. I will no longer allow fear in the driver's seat...he must go now. I'll take the wheel, and remind myself that I have one of the best road trip partners reading my map - God. He already knows my destination and he's been leading me there for years...only I cruised down the highway, radio blaring, believing that I was on this journey all by myself. I was driving and navigating.....NO MORE.
I'm still angry at my addict, but also sad. I am sad that addiction has consumed the man I fell in love with. I miss him. I often told him that I wanted him to be my best friend, and I had a picture of what that looked like. He didn't fulfill that picture and so I often begged him to be what I wanted, but now I see he was my best friend. He was the first person I wanted to see in the morning, and the last vision to end my day. He was the person I wanted to share my joys and my trials with. I had visions of us growing old together. Addiction has stolen all of that from me - it will now be his best friend. Just like I have chosen to believe his lies, he has chosen to believe it's lies. I pray someday he finds his co pilot, but I guess I am finally seeing that we have chosen different roads. I don't know what to do with that pain.
My journey ahead is a long one, and I am fearful of the bumps in the road that I cannot see. In true codie form I want to plan every step of this journey, but I cannot. I will travel today's road and trust that tomorrow will take care of itself.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Wow. What an incredible post. I am so sorry for all the pain you've felt, which has ultimately forced you to initiate change for yourself. But....I am as excited as heck for you because it was when I finally began to face my biggest fears that I've seen the greatest growth. You are remaining your life. Good for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Facing our fears, admitting our own participation, and having the courage to change......those are the ingredients for growth and serenity. Your post says it all.
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
We'll walk with you.
gentle hugs
ke
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