Stung

[10 points to the person who can name that show.]

It's a big day over here, kids!

I saw my counselor for the first time today and she basically said that I'm doing a great job setting boundaries and making my expectations clear. Go me! But she also said that I really need to work on patience and stop focusing on long term commitments from AH because he just isn't in a place to do that. Bully for me.

Also, AH signed a 6 month lease for his own apartment. I told him last week that we will continue to stay separated but this is him actually acknowledging that and following through (which is great because an apartment is much more affordable than putting him up in a hotel like we're currently doing.)

Unfortunately, he is also in full force dry drunk mode, which is ridiculously annoying and frustrating. I know detachment is the answer but GAH! So frustrating.

Lastly, next week is the end of my 30 day mandated sober/no contact with our kids enforcement. For those who are separated with kids or who have been separated with kids, what was your setup like or experiences? Any advice or tips you can give me? Our youngest is only 5 months, exclusively breastfed and hates bottles plus AH lives 2 hours away from us in our hometown, so he's driving here to spend time with our girls (he says he wants to spend time with me too but seeing as we rarely have a phone conversation without disagreeing, I don't think that's a good idea right now) so he can't just take them for the day - not that I would be comfortable with that anyway or that he would be comfortable with that, dude has never had both girls alone for more than an hour tops.

Booo

Sienfeld!!! I wish i had more for you, but I dont have the experience. If someone beats me to the punch it's because i was trying to add a little something extra in the way of support. Good for you with your boundry setting! now, that i hopefully have my points, I will step aside and let you get some real help!

AnvilheadII

can you deal with him coming to the home for a short visit? often they will SAY they want to spend time with the kids, but then quickly lose interest...or find a lot of reasons/excuses why they can't make the 2 hour drive. any parent who truly WANTED to be with their children, would crawl over hot coals naked five miles uphill..........give him the opportunity and then see what happens......

patientlywaitin

At 5mo the baby can go a while without a bottle. Mine were working on solids at that point, not sure about yours? If you trust him to stay sober and sane for a bit why not have him take the kids out for a bit? A park if the weather is nice, a movie or lunch if not. That will give you a well deserved break, the kids a chance to spend quality time with their father without distractions and him a chance to feel like he is being a father without being babysat by you because you have breasts.

My last relationship was with a man who was deemed an unfit parent by the state 10yrs previous to the birth of our child. I didn't know any of that until he sued me for full custody and child support. As if that wasn't a big enough slap in the face (after taking care of him for 3yrs) I then had to supervise his visitation with my son. It was never convenient and very hard to keep my mouth shut. I lead two other children I had to take with me, I learned quickly that having him in my home was toxic. Somehow the minute he entered the door he became empowered by some magical force that entitled him to make me totally ******* miserable! He used that to his advantage until I told him he was no longer welcome there and had to find other ways to make his appearance. I didn't force anything on him, made a suggestion here or there but left it up to him.

If you can find a good time to talk to him maybe ask him what he'd like. Can you meet half way and do your shopping while he tends to the children somewhere else?

Stung

I can deal with him being here, but I'm letting it be plainly known that he'll be here for them and them alone. I wholeheartedly agree about being separated from your kids. Nothing could keep me away from my kids for 30 days like he already has been. I'm thinking I'll let him play with the girls and I'll just hide out in my bedroom while he's here. There isn't any alcohol in the house and I don't think he would ever do anything detrimental while he's sober. His plan is to drive down here every Saturday and Sunday so we'll see what happens. I already have plans for my mom to come stay the night next weekend so I don't think he'll be here then.

Stung

No solids yet. I'm waiting until 6 months and then I'll be doing baby led weaning.

There is a park and library across the street. I'm sure he can handle them both without me but I'm kind of nervous...just because they're my babes and our baby is high maintenance and our toddler is in the thick of the terrible twos right now. If both of them start screaming/melting down at the same time its overwhelming. But OMG I gladly welcome the opportunity for "me" time.

hopeful4

Good work! Can you set a time limit for them of a couple hours? I find things easier to handle when i know what time it will be over! Hugs

Stung

Hopeful4, I need to talk with him about that. I think the idea he has in his head is that we're all going to play house during the weekends and he's going to go back to doing our toddler's bedtime routine and he's just going to be here ALL day Saturday and Sunday. I'm not cool with that, but if he genuinely wants to spend lots of time with our girls on the weekend then I don't want to prevent that from happening either. :/

patientlywaitin

I know how hard it is to trust other people with your children. Your a good mom I had to give my son over to his father after he regained his fitness for a few hours. I was terrified, not because I didn't think he could handle it but because he had spent 18mo with 4hrs a month supervised visits. My son always come to me when he was upset so I felt like I was abandoning him by leaving him alone with his father. I moved out of state the following week so I didn't have to deal with that long. As someone stated, he lost interest soon after. He was supposed to meet me half way every other month, never did and has not in over a yr.

So it may be a little rough getting started? It may not? I'm sure he will be elated to spend time with them no matter where, it may feel good to you as well. If your ok sticking to the home front for now there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe you can take a walk one of those days when you feel more comfortable? Getting used to seperation is just as hard on parents as it can be on children but it's healthy and pays off.

I'm glad your doing ok! I always like to read good news.

babycojb

I just wanted to say great job on the breastfeeding. I have a 5 month old as well. You're doing a great job. I know it's not easy.

NWGRITS

Yay on no solids til 6 months! I'm still doing baby led weaning and she's 14 months old. But she's my last, so I'm kinda glad she likes her mama time.

I think your ideas for visitation are good. Like another person mentioned, you'll see how much children really matter to him soon enough. He may start out strong and then fall off, not do anything at all, or he may well be a stand-up baby daddy. Only time will tell. (((Hugs)))

JustAGirl1971

No advice, Stung. Just wanted to tell you how awesome I think you are

FireSprite

Stung, my DD was much older than yours are during our separation (5 yrs), so I don't have any real experience with this with really young kids.

I can say that we still had issues (like you are anticipating in the above quote) because initially we had expectations without conversation. In fact, I remember coming home & finding him waiting for us one afternoon after suspecting for a few days that he had been coming & going while I was at work during the day. I had to really lay down the law that he was no longer entitled to come & go as he pleased without notifying me & getting my OK 1st. I told him I would change the locks so quickly his head would spin - I didn't want to have to do that, but I needed him to respect my space & privacy & to understand that "our" home wasn't his playground when he felt like popping by unannounced or needed something. (The only exception I made was our detached garage since it still was being used for storage for his business tools & materials.)

I also made it very clear that we needed a schedule for DD's visitation - when, how long he would take her for, etc. At first he took her overnight once per week, but he had a really hard time managing that so I put a stop to it after just a few weeks. She was too uncomfortable, he was too unable to provide her any kind of routine or feeling of safety, so I followed her cues. (his secret drinking was starting to really ramp up & I wasn't aware so he just came off as unstable to me) Good Luck!!

SoaringSpirits

Can you set up an hour-long visit at your house, and you nurse prior then head out for a coffee shop nearby? He can call you on your cell if the kids melt down.

One of my favorite sayings here is "more will be revealed." It reminds me to kind of trust that things will work out as they need to. This includes contact with kids. Your A will show what he's made of when it comes to seeking out time with the children. Mine was a real douchebag when he lived at home with us, didn't really have time to bother with the kids, and at one point my daughter described him as "an acquaintance" (sad). After I gave him the boot, he surprised me by turning into a much better dad in some ways, he really made it a priority to actually *do* things with our kids and have fun days out. They've all expressed that since our separation, they actually feel closer to dad, which is good. So trust that more will be revealed, and let your A show you what he will do.

Good on you for nursing and delaying solids! I've never had a moment of regret for the 6 continuous years I nursed (through several babies), and recently, my OB-GYN informed me that I'd reduced my chance of breast cancer by something like 90 percent due to that!

Stung

LOL of all of the catchy sayings that I've read here (and I've actually repeated a few of them and put several into practice) "more will be revealed" boggles my mind. However, I think that's more a trait of my personality than anything…like I'm the kind of person that skips ahead in the book and reads the last 5 pages just to know if I want to keep reading - will the character live or die, will the lovers be reunited, will Harry defeat Voldemort, etc. I don't want things to be revealed later, I want to know now. Dealing with my AH is like reading a book that I haven't been able to put down yet and the author hasn't finished writing the book so I can't skip ahead.

Thank you for the lovely compliments, ladies. Now I know where to come when I need an ego boost!

JustAGirl1971

Lol, Stung. This is so me. Notice my slight change to what you wrote? This has been a major issue for me. One thing I've noticed is that that tendency has the habit of biting me in the butt! I think I need to practice the standing still and letting what will be, be... more and skip to the end... less. Just an observation I've made for myself that I thought might help you?

PS, yes, I totally read the last few pages of HP & the Deathly Hollows half way through the book. In my defense, I could not sleep until I knew the end and I'd been reading for hours and needed my beauty sleep!

Stung

JustAGirl, yeah. I'm trying to work on patience. I felt the same way in college. The last two semesters were excruciating because I just wanted to be done and move onto the next step. In some instances I want time to slow down so I can savor these experiences (my kids being babies for instance) and other things I would really like to just skip ahead a year or two (AH's recovery effort.)

BTW, if you want a REALLY good suspenseful read, check out Defending Jacob. I think I read the last chapter right after I read the first chapter. LOL! It was a really great book!

Springs

Great job! My RAH recently moved back after 6 months apart and I wouldn't trade that time on my own for anything. It was essential for me to learn how to breathe on my own again and develop my own routines and networks.

Stung

Springs, I'm really, really happy to hear that!

AH is afraid that 6 months is too long (he thinks I won't want him back after I've had an additional 6 months without him - of course he said that without actually asking how I felt about anything.) I, on the other hand, don't think 6 months will be long enough but its a start. I was kind of already planning on being married to him until I die and if he really works his program and becomes a healthier, better person that we both want him to be, then of course I want him back. But if he continues to struggle with his issues, then he needs to sort his issues out without brining myself or our kids into his personal misery. Plus, I need time to fix the bad habits that I've indirectly picked up as well. We both need to become comfortable with being married but living separately, which is healthiest (maybe not easiest) for all 4 of us.

Springs

Stung - my AH has found recovery, but I'm not sure if our marriage will survive this crisis. I'm working toward clarity on that now. My AH also very very much protested the 6 months apart but it was what I needed and I was unwilling to do it any other way. We don't have kids, so that is different, but wow I am so much better able to handle sharing space with him after reconnecting to myself. Hang in there! It's important to take care of yourself.