Blueskies25

Hello. This is my first post. I have been married to R for 7 years and together for 8. We have two gorgeous children, aged 2 and 6. Last October I started to feel that there was something a miss suddenly in our loving marriage and I suddenly realised that I could no longer seem to "reach" R and i was doing more and more alone with the children etc. I sat him down and asked if he was happy as he seemed disconnected to us and asked him if we made him unhappy and would he like to sep? As I type this I realise what a dramatic thing it was to say but I just felt that there was something. He assured me that it wasn't the case but said he was unhappy at work and then in Feb this year was signed off with stress after a complaint from one of his staff team which escalated into a full investigation. (he has since been sacked for gross misconduct - he blames me) I supported him through the stress although I did try and get him to go back to work to face the problem and re engage but he refused. At this time I also discovered messages on his phone from a female friend of his (he is a musician part time, she is also alcohol dep with mental health issues) but only after he gave me his phone to show me something. I was devastated and confronted him instantly.He told me it was nothing. I believed him but checked his phone two weeks later to find more intimate messages. Again he denied and said it was me being silly. His mum then passed away and he went out and came home v v v drunk. I had arranged for her body to be moved etc but when he came home he was very angry and punched me and pushed me. (My children were in bed thankfully). I started at this point to suspect he was drinking and begged him to get help for the stress and depression he still claimed to be suffering from. To cut a long story short, things quickly spiralled and his drinking became clearer. More messages from the music girl and love yous to each other. He started to push me and pull my hair on occasion. Around this time he also started to sit me down and list the things he thought were "wrong with me". I am a strong and confident girl but right now I can barely walk up the street and look anyone in the eye. I fake it for work but I can't help but absorb the things he said despite the reassurances of my loving friends and family. I discovered that the he stolen £16k from his mothers power of attorney ac and had used her credit card after her death. Doctor confirmed with him present that she had been asking to see me but he refused and when he did let me go, she confirmed he was alcohol dep. Kids referred to health visitors so i asked him to leave that day and referred him to homeless. By then I had found his stash in the garage where he spent all day smoking and i now know drinking too. I asked him to leave to recover with my support and love and then come back but then found messages the week after with him begging the music girl to go to his flat (he was housed instantly by local authority housing as was a risk to the kids). She said she didn't want him as he was a risk to her with his own drinking. He then hooked up a week later with someone we both know from work who goes around mutual colleagues asking about me. I am so mixed up. I am heart broken, hurt, confused and angry and just can't seem to move on. I am receiving counselling from a local addiction service and so was my eldest daughter as it turns out she was aware of an issue before I was and he forgot to feed her when I was at work, was cross with her all the time and left her alone in the house. He sends me nasty texts telling me I am to blame for everything. It will be four months this week and he is only starting to see the children in January at a contact centre. I know it was me who made him leave and me who started divorce but he had just done too much yet a bit of me still wonders of I did the right thing. He has moved into a flat of his new gf's on a temp basis now but just won't stop texting. There is nothing to comm about. He finally has a lawyer so they deal with most things and the contact centre deal with access. I feel so sad that I can't even imagine being polite to him for my children.I don't comm with him at all as struggle to absorb all his blame. he says i was moody and I know I was before sep as I just didn't know what was coming next. The children are blossoming without his chaos and anger in our house and this has been commented on by teachers, friends and relatives. How could I not have seen all this and how has he managed to hide it? he now has no home, no marriage, no job, no car and limited access to the children, He teted to say he's sober now and on antabuse? I just want to run away. I am looking at relocating 2 hours away just to feel safer and more at ease. he could still use a contact centre but I wouldbe out of harms reach and nearer family. Why wont he and new gf just back off? I just lie low and carry on being a mum and working (bills to pay now he is on benefits but I manage). I am so so sorry for such along and dull post. I know there are people far worse off than me. I just feel so worthless and lost. i wish he had put up a little fight for us and now that he says he is sober for new woman I wonder why I wasn't good enough.

Recovering2

Dear Steffip72, I am so sorry you are in this mess. But I'm happy you found this site.

Your A's situation is NOT about you. We all learn the 3 C's when we first join. You didn't Cause the disease of alcoholism, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. Your A is responsible for his actions, he is responsible for his bad choices. As an adult, he has the right to make choices, even the bad ones. But you also have the right to make choices. You can choose to raise your children away from the chaos that this disease causes. You can choose to not tolerate physical and emotional abuse. The A will always find a way to blame you. He has to, otherwise he is forced to look at himself. That's not something he's willing to do right now.

He doens't know enough to back off, so you have to be the one to set boundaries. You have lawyers? Then have your lawyer tell his lawyer that all communication needs to go through him/her. Block his phone calls/text/emails. You are not obligated to communicate with him unless it's directly about a child issue.

You mention that your kids are already doing better. You now know that your daughter was dealing with her own issues under her Dad's care. You're doing the right thing. You have an obligation to protect your children.

Take care of you, that is where you have control. Find an Alanon group near you, and attend at least 6 meetings. You will get tremendous support at those meetings. People in those rooms "get it". They've been through the hell of dealing with an A, and will be there to help you work things out.

Don't forget, the new woman isn't getting a prize. He is still the same guy, the previous gf figured that out already. Being sober is not the same as being in recovery. He can stop drinking, but without true recovery he will never change. I feel sorry for the new gf, she will eventually have to deal with the crap you're now extricating yourself from.

BIG (((hugs))). Keep looking forward. Keep posting, we're here for you.

Blueskies25

Recobering2 - I wish I had had the courage to post on here sooner, having of cry of pure relief at your answer. Thank you so so much. I just feel that he is right that it must be me who tipped him into drinking so heavily and I struggle to shift that feeling even with my counselling. Some days i am so pour od myself for protecting my children and watching them continue to blossom is a joy - they have been on holiday with me and said this xmas was the best ever - but also feel such a loss at the end of my marriage and the future we had planned too, but I guess everyone feels that way. thank you again so very very much. x

Booo

Sadness is an utterly normal reaction to the loss of a marraige and the person we thought we knew.
however please, we know..we all know, that YOU are not the cause of his drinking.
Not. One. Sip. Not. One. Bottle.

Blueskies25

Thank you, Booo. I try to focus on this and that he could have left if he felt that unhappy but I just can't see it, even with hindsight. We laughed and loved but I now recognise that there were changes in his temper and actions. Where does all the love go to? He was a man who would've sworn he was devoted to his mum but to steal from her is simply awful.

Recovering2

He is not right, this has nothing to do with you. He would be an A whether you were in his life or not. There's a reason they say this is a "contagious" disease. Those of us who have loved an A become just as ill in many ways. We get headaches, insomnia, anxiety, nausea, depression, etc. We start to believe the A when they blame us for their choices. My A always blamed me, that way he could use the excuse of having to get away from me to go drink. I tried everything to be a better partner. Took some time to realize I could be the most angelic wonderful partner on earth....he wanted to drink and I was in the way. That wasn't MY problem, it was his.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, but it makes me smile to hear your children had their best Christmas ever. Don't listen to the words coming from your A....listen to the words coming from your children. You're obviously doing something right Mom!

Praying you find your serenity again in 2014.

Blueskies25

You are right - the words of my children mean so much more.

amy55

Welcome to SR

I always wondered why I accepted so much of the blame. I finally came up with an answer for that. You see, if it was me, I could change things. So I accepted the blame, but no matter what I tried to change, it was still me.

I also had to realize that no matter what I did, and whether he drank or didn't drink, he was still going to blame me.

Sounds like he is a miserable person that needs to blame someone else for him. If he didn't already do this to new gf, be assured he will.

You're the lucky one, you got away from him, he will never be able to get away him. He has to live with that miserable person. (lol)

So glad you and your children had a merry xmas.

Catherine628

So sorry you are going through this but happy to hear your kids are doing better. I hear a lot of similarities in our stories. It's amazing how an alcoholic will shift blame and can be so convincing about it. My AH would play on the guilt and doubts I already had.

One recovering addict told me when in active addiction you run toward anything that feels good (alcohol, drugs, drinking buddies, other women/men). And run from anything that hurts (truth, recovery, anyone who gets in the way of the addiction.)

It sounds like you are making wise decisions for yourself and your kids. Good luck. It's not easy but as they say short term pain for long term gain. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

Seren

Hi Steffip, Welcome! I'm sorry you and your children have been going through so much. You have made a courageous decision to do what is needed to make sure they are OK.

Please make yourself at home! You have found a wonderful and supportive place here.

Blueskies25

Thank you to everyone. I think it's going to take a while to recover from this. I have so many conflicting feelings and I guess they are worse over celebration times. The thing is that even though i didn't know he was drinking right up until it was just far far too late, I know that he would not have flung himself into the festive period anyway. I know now that it was great for him if I was out with the chilldren - he would make a big fuss about cleaning up whilst we were out and making supper for our return etc - but it was giving him freedom to drink without having the possibility of us stumbling upon him and for me to come home and find him with a glass of wine at 7pm would not have caused any concern, rather that I simply didn't know that a litre of vodka had preceeded it.

martina12

Hi Steffip I live in the uk too down south. I really identified with what you are going through. I separated from my AH last July. I was truly traumatised by it all. He blamed me entirely for it all going horribly wrong...all my fault. I stumbled upon this wonderful site whilst googling everything to do with alcoholism, a subject that I knew nothing about. I have since become so read up on it all that I now realise that I wasn't to blame for any of it. His drinking was the cause of us separating. He hid his vodka drinking from me and we opened a bottle of wine in the evening..I had no idea that he would have had his first shot of vodka whilst making my cup of tea in the morning! He was in a high flying position in government but I think his luck is running out. I also had counselling. I am now attending a support group for families of alcoholics at my local recovery centre. I wonder if there is somewhere like that in your neck of the woods? I have found this support group to be a massive support for me. My children have shown incredible resilience and seem to be recovering remarkably well I hope that you will find the same. Good luck and us posted..

Blueskies25

Martina12 - I just took a sharp intake of breath reading your reply - such likeness in our stories - thank you so much. I am sorry you have suffered too and like you, traumatised is truly how I am feeling. Thru this site I am realising that nothing AH has done and is doing is any way unique and nothing that I am feeling is unique either. There are so many of us in the same boat. It was vodka for my AH too, added to fruit tea from morning to night. I can't believe I didn't notice until it was so late in his drinking spiral. But then i did notice things and he always had an explanation. His teeth had started to turn brown (from all the 'black tea@ or the vomiting he told me was a cough if I questioned it in the mornings - I am not sure what was lies - probably everything?) and when I said I was sure I could smell alcohol he said there was ethanol in his mouthwash - I checked and there was so I always just felt stupid. I see a local addiction chairty for counselling and it is so helpful. They have a family support group but the times are no good for me as I work full time and have my two little girls. AH has been sacked and is now is on bens so gives us £20 a month and whilst i am able to cover the mortage and bills/nursery etc, it doesn't leave much for extra babysitting etc ergo this site is truly a find. I am blessed with lovely friends and neighbours as my family live down south and a little further away from here. How are you doing now? Does it get better soon? I avoid all contact with my AH now as we have lawyers, I am using the child maintenance service re money and the local family centre are supervising access in the meantime. He has texted awful things since I out him out - 4 months now - although now is antabuse the texts have stopped, I am pleased. There have beena couple of 'I am sorry' ones and ones where he something has reminded him of me but I just don't respond. I react in myself though but I don't send an answer. It is reamins so so hard. On a practical level, my girls and I are doing well and they are just so much more noticeably settled but I just see a long abttle ahead of me to keep him and new overbearing gf at arms length whilst protecting my children. We are looking at relocating a couple of hours away when sep agreement finalised and I can sell the house. I hope yo had a restful festive.

honeypig

This is really huge when you realize it, isn't it? It makes all the difference in how you view both the A and yourself, as well as what you feel your part in "causing" the problem is. You start to realize that all the awful behavior, the lying, the craziness, is all about the A and his disease, NOT about you in any way.

Once you realize that all A's have certain things in common, you can then start to realize that it's NOT your fault as well as that you CANNOT control it. It's really all out of your hands. Your only decisions are regarding the way that you yourself choose to live. Alanon is a great way to get some real-world support as well as to educate yourself further about alcoholism. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/

It's a lot to take in all at once, but as you continue to read and post here (and please, make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page, as there is a lot of very useful info there), you'll gradually start to see your path ahead of you and know what you want to do. Others have made it thru and gone on to happy, fulfilling lives--you can too.

martina12

Steffip yes we do have similar experiences although my now XAH I think drank vodka neat Yuckkkk! also a litre a day as he has now admitted. He did do a stint in rehab and even gave AA a go but it didn't last. I also felt stupid for not seeing it sooner, all the red flags were there but I didn't put them all together to see the full picture. My XAH lost his brother to alcoholism last year so he justified an increase in his drinking due to bereavement blah blah blah...there was lots of quacking from him, thats a great thread on here by the way. I now realise that he did tons of quacking! My family also live quite a distance away so I have relied on wonderful friends and like you neighbours also. I have also read a book which was recommended to me by someone on this site called 'Codependent no more' by Melody Beattie. I ordered a copy from the library and made copious notes. I have also written down a lot about my feelings and thoughts and also pinned up on my noticeboard in the kitchen healing quotes etc. My heart has been totally broken and 2013 has been the worst year of my life. I stick close to this site too. No contact is I think vital in your recovery. My XAH tried to make contact recently asking for forgiveness etc I did try to meet him half way as he was the love of my life but I got badly hurt yet again so I wouldn't recommend! I would also say that time has really helped to heal me. Simple things like just getting used to being on my own when the kids are in bed and no one to chat to I have found difficult. We used to laugh a lot and not having that anymore..not seeing all the loving texts from him etc etc. However I am not dealing with Jekyll and Hyde or treading on eggshells anymore and neither are the children so I am happy to settle for what I have and thats a quiet harmonious home (most of the time anyway with kids!) We will heal in time Steffip and I now get glimpses of the old me before any of this s*** happened! Keep us posted...

Blueskies25

Martina12-I will truly send you hugs the next time I hurtle down the M6. I'm with you on the broken heart/love of my life/worst year of my life. Also the things like missing his previously loving texts although by the time I put him out he had been having an affair with a fellow alcohol dep. His mum had died and again like you it was a litre of vodka a day and 60 cigs. The smell was awful! I spent the first week gutting the house! How do you deal a with contact for the kids? I've set up via a family centre but he claims to be antabse no and has a very pushy gf. I see glimpses of my old self too every so often but still just feel gutted,

martina12

Have sent you a pm..

OnawaMiniya

I'm sorry you are going through so much.

Alcoholics like to blame everyone and anyone/thing they can, and never themselves.

I'm sorry he has beaten you. I can understand that pain.

I'm so glad you found this place. Welcome and please, please keep posting.

Peace.

Blueskies25

Update... started to find myself increasingly wary and fearful that if/when STBXAH relapses that he would start to hound me again and that if he was turned away from the contact centre would I have to deal with his anger etc in the car park, starting feeling very stressed about it. Went to the police for advice and they have now charged him with assault for hitting me. I feel horribly guilty that I've done this but also feel safer than I've done in such a long time as I know that now he will have to leave me alone. I've slept better than I have have for ages. I feel safe again but also guilty. I'm not standing in his way for contact etc, it was me who referred and set up visits at access centre. He kept shouting but didn't do anything positive to see our children who are v v young so I've made all the spots for visits etc. They start in February. It all makes sense on a practical level, I just feel so guilty that I've gone to this level but to get a true feeling of peace, and I feel like I can truly start to heal now.

Godismyrock

Steffip - your heart feels the guilt, but your mind knows better. You didn't hit you. You didn't pull your hair.
I know from experience that as my kids got older they began to witness my AH behavior - the shoving, swearing, name calling, threats. You do NOT want your kids to witness that. Your actions may have stopped that garbage from ever happening to your kids.

When u need to talk to someone who can understand, just keep coming here. Or AlAnon. Or both. For me it is very hard to get to a meeting but these meetings on SR are always open.