flailing

My AW went to hospital detox in September, but it's been tough going since then.

Background:
I was in denial or just too dumb to see what was going on before that, so I'd arranged for us to relocate from India to Germany in a desperate effort to break her "depression." Because of visa issues, I left India first, and she almost immediately went from a barely functioning to a hospitalization-required drunk.

After going to detox, I and her family members were pushing her to go to in-patient rehab but eventually caved.

AA was never an option, because she's an atheist and thinks therefore it will all be ******** to her (she went to a meeting in NYC once upon a time). I'm not convinced that it couldn't be helpful, but figured "pick your battles"...

She was then supposed to do three months of outpatient therapy before she came to Germany. But she quit that after a few sessions, despite having plunked down a couple thousand dollars in advance. (There were some real problems with the therapist, who was probably not a good choice from the outset, but I won't go into that).

Somehow I continued to hope that she'd see the light, since she was still not drinking and saying the right things. So she came to Germany.

Current situation:
For the first couple months here, she was not drinking, but on arrival she was already rewriting the script of our past conversations. She objected to the idea that she would never drink again, and still refused the label "alcoholic." Several arguments about that later, she started to try to prove to me she could handle "a couple beers."

She was successful in that she didn't have one sip and immediately go on a bender, and she didn't start drinking every day, etc. But I at least was no longer in denial, so I kept insisting that it wasn't a good idea, it was a slippery slope, etc, etc.

The next step has been a more complete lapse or relapse, as on a couple occasions she has picked up a "secret" bottle of vodka and managed to get truly drunk sipping it on the sly. (At which point the "secret" is out, obviously....So I'm not sure what the logic is there ;-))

I've done enough reading to know that she can't freeze things as they are, even if she were able to stop drinking, as she has all the characteristics of a so-called "dry drunk" (passive aggressiveness, self-pity, persecution syndrome, etc). And I know that I'm still a part of the problem despite the fact that I have learned a bit about codependency and accepted that I'm a contributor to the situation. But I don't know how to go forward.

From those of you who have stayed in such a relationship and had some success, any advice about how you managed and how your AW/AH made the jump from just stopping drinking to seeking real help?

And from those of you who left, any practical advice about when to pull the ripcord? My situation is less complicated than some other people because we don't have any kids, but it is difficult because of the international move I tangled us up in.

It would be extra hard for me to walk out, because I'd have to cancel the lease here in order to get another one due to the niceties of renting flats in Germany. But it's also hard to kick her out, because we don't know anybody she can stay with here and every time we go into the question of her flying back to India it turns into a shouting match. I realize that's just a question of me really deciding she has to go. But it's hard to maintain my resolve when she sobers up and looks like she's going to try to make it -- even though I know it's not going to happen until I hear her accept she's an alcoholic and say she wants to get professional help.

Basically I'm back on the Merry Go 'Round.

m1k3

Flailing, I am very familiar with your situation. I couldn't imagine leaving my AW, we had been married 36 years. Then during one of her binges I hit the point where I couldn't imagine staying. The pain of staying was now greater than the pain of leaving.

I didn't make an intellectual decision or even an emotional one. I made a survival decision. I knew that if I staid it would have killed me.

Everybody's tipping point is different but a least in my case there was no doubt. As Lillamy posted, it gets easier once you leave. I am so glad I did.

Your friend,

flailing

Thanks, Mike. Not sure of my next move, obviously. But it's good to get some feedback.

Hawkeye13

Hi flailing;

Her recovery is her problem, and you cannot do it for her.

Maybe it is time to set some boundries for what you will / will not live with.
These are about what you can accept, not what she does.

There are stickys about this somewhere on the site--that might be a good place
to start. Post some ideas here if you want feedback.

I don't think I could live with an active alcoholic in a foreign country, so
that would be a boundry for me. But everybody is different.
Sounds like her "moderation" isn't working at all. So there is a likely place for a boundry.

JustAGirl1971

I haven't left yet, Flailing. We have agreed that my AH will leave in February. I am resolved. If he changes his mind, I will take the kids and leave. He can't afford the house on his salary but I can (barely), hence the decision for him to leave. For me, it's exactly what Mike said. I've hit the point that as painful as it is to separate/divorce, it's more painful to stay. The consequences are too great for me & my children. We've been together 25 years. Married 21.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's not easy, but it's true. You'll know when it's time.

hopeful4

It is a matter of not expecting anything from her. Can you accept how she is today? You cannot make her want to get better. You cannot make her change. So..can you completely accept how things are now? If not, time to set up goals for change and decide how YOU can achieve them.

I am sorry.