Wife of a constant relapser
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: warminster, pa
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Wife of a constant relapser
My husband (we were married last year, and we have a 3 1/2 year old daughter, bought our house together in 09). He is the most amazing man. We knew we would be together and make a family. In 2010 he was living in excruciating pain from a disc in his vertebrae breaking off and leaning on his sciatic nerve. He dealt with it for year while the doctor prescribed percocets. Finally he couldn't take the pain anymore and had surgery in Feb.2011. He stayed on the percs until the end of 2012..just taking them to feel "normal." In the beginning of 2013 his brother introduced him to Methodone. He started nodding off at night and at family functions. Him and his brother enjoyed getting high together...
In May, he didn't want to be controlled by the drugs anymore and quit his job and he detoxed at home for a month..which was horrible. Since then, he has relapsed 10 times...With methodone it lasts days... He ruined the only vacation we took because of our money situation...my birthday, our anniversary, thanksgiving, and now New Years. I told him I'm not doing this in 2014. When he's not high I love him so much, he really is great. After the detox, he did get a job making less then half of what we used to, but that's ok. I'm scared he's going to lose his job and we could lose our house. Even more of me just not being able to do this anymore..just when I think I'm done crying I cry alone some more. His parents recently recognized there is a problem and his mom takes him to meetings....I think he needs some more help than this, but we have no health insurance. Do I stick it out? He has become more honest and talking more (he has a big problem with communication). He says he's scared to let go completely. I am feeling all kinds of emotions.up and down on a roller coaster.
In May, he didn't want to be controlled by the drugs anymore and quit his job and he detoxed at home for a month..which was horrible. Since then, he has relapsed 10 times...With methodone it lasts days... He ruined the only vacation we took because of our money situation...my birthday, our anniversary, thanksgiving, and now New Years. I told him I'm not doing this in 2014. When he's not high I love him so much, he really is great. After the detox, he did get a job making less then half of what we used to, but that's ok. I'm scared he's going to lose his job and we could lose our house. Even more of me just not being able to do this anymore..just when I think I'm done crying I cry alone some more. His parents recently recognized there is a problem and his mom takes him to meetings....I think he needs some more help than this, but we have no health insurance. Do I stick it out? He has become more honest and talking more (he has a big problem with communication). He says he's scared to let go completely. I am feeling all kinds of emotions.up and down on a roller coaster.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
ugh 
I feel for you --- my husband went to rehab in April of last year, was 8 months sober and has recently dove in head first again. It is disappointing, heartbreaking and sickening to watch it all happen when you love the man you know he can be.
The first go round, he left me with $100 left when he got on a plane to go to Tennessee. Luckily, his job was very supportive, but was clear that the next time around - they won't be. the worry is almost too much to bear. I would put all of your efforts into doing what you need to make you & your daughters life less stressful. We put so much energy into what the addict is doing, or anticipating their next move, that we lose touch with the fact that we have a life right in front of us too.
I am filing for separation tomorrow. I decided my life is better without the chaos. I hope whatever you decide brings you peace.
I feel for you --- my husband went to rehab in April of last year, was 8 months sober and has recently dove in head first again. It is disappointing, heartbreaking and sickening to watch it all happen when you love the man you know he can be. The first go round, he left me with $100 left when he got on a plane to go to Tennessee. Luckily, his job was very supportive, but was clear that the next time around - they won't be. the worry is almost too much to bear. I would put all of your efforts into doing what you need to make you & your daughters life less stressful. We put so much energy into what the addict is doing, or anticipating their next move, that we lose touch with the fact that we have a life right in front of us too.
I am filing for separation tomorrow. I decided my life is better without the chaos. I hope whatever you decide brings you peace.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: warminster, pa
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Is it horrible that I feel like I'm not ready yet to let go? Will I ever be ready is the question. No time like the present? My daughter always feels the same way about her dad. I don't want to see him lose her and vice versa.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
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Nope..its not horrible. I'm still not and I've done everything but file the papers.
I feel like I'm being forced. But I also have to stand my ground and remember what my boundaries were when he got back --- no active using in my house, etc. He has crossed every line I've drawn so I am done. My daughter is 3 too - and she thinks her daddy hung the moon. she is in love with him, as he is with her. I can't talk about the 2 of them together without bawling. I get it.
I feel like I'm being forced. But I also have to stand my ground and remember what my boundaries were when he got back --- no active using in my house, etc. He has crossed every line I've drawn so I am done. My daughter is 3 too - and she thinks her daddy hung the moon. she is in love with him, as he is with her. I can't talk about the 2 of them together without bawling. I get it.
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Do you worry that he will get worse and OD? Because I just told AH about this.. and I'm so scared he may do something stupid. I just can't handle the fact that something REALLY bad could happen if I'm not around.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Of course, that is a very real worry.
He has actually told me (after he found out about the separation) that he will dive even deeper into drugs, blame it on me and be glad that I'm not around to bitch at him...
Yikes. I am fully aware he is a master manipulator, so I'm not letting that stop me.
he's right, he will blame it on me, something bad may happen - but at least my daughter won't be around to see it.
He has actually told me (after he found out about the separation) that he will dive even deeper into drugs, blame it on me and be glad that I'm not around to bitch at him...
Yikes. I am fully aware he is a master manipulator, so I'm not letting that stop me.
he's right, he will blame it on me, something bad may happen - but at least my daughter won't be around to see it.
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I'm at work... and the thought of this makes me anxiety sky rocket. I just can't imagine this... that this is really happening. I was looking for meetings tonight but it's supposed to snow. He just replied back, "Your telling me your going to leave me and take c away from me. your getting papers to have us separated and c cant be with me" is this the manipulation.. I have a feeling I'm about to get blamed
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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of course YOU will get the blame. what's he gonna do? take RESPONSIBILITY for his own selfish actions?? it will be your fault, you are the one tearing the family apart, you are the one with the problem, you you you. he's on dope but you are the crazy one. best to be prepared for an onslaught of BS.....that way you won't be caught off guard OR surprised.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: GA
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I'm going through the same thing with my husband. We don't have kids, but it's still so hard because we just got married in June, and then I found out everything he was hiding, around october. He quit, but I'm pretty sure he's relapsing. The hardest part is to stand up for yourself and realize when enough is enough. It's not fun to have anxiety about it everyday, either. But you're right, he pushed y'all away!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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Is it possible he has been high ever since you've known him? Is it possible he is the "most amazing man" when he is high and in love with the world, and that he is horrible to live with when he is actually in withdrawal?
There are stories here, often, over the years, of spouses finally realizing they married someone in active addiction, someone who had been abusing drugs for years and had become psychologically and/or physically dependent on them, and who needed drugs to be "normal", meaning not in withdrawal and insane with cravings and dopesick. Is it possible he had a problem before the disc, before the surgery?
His brother does drugs, sounds like the brother may be an addict, and it is possible they have been using together for years. It is amazing the secret lives addicts lead. Just incredible how they can be functional on massive quantities of drugs--especially the opiates--and do just fine on the job and no one knows. For a long time. It's when they run out of the drug that the problem becomes very apparent.
More will be revealed in this. But one thing I am pretty certain of....there is much more you do not know. That is the way it is in the marriage of addiction. Even when the addict swears he is coming clean about everything. There are a lot of secrets.
He has not actually "relapsed ten times" in the past few months. He has been in active addiction.
The reality is that he is a drug addict and he is going to want nothing to change at home or with the marriage because a separation or divorce process will be a huge distraction from drug-seeking and using. Not to mention the money he does not want to divert from the cash he needs for drugs in the form of alimony and child support. So much easier if you just stay put and put up with his habit.
He has set up his life in a certain way to accommodate the drug lifestyle. For anyone in active addiction, spouses and children are annoyances because they get in the way of the set-up. The lifestyle. The ritual.
You may not know what to do right now. But I think most of the longtimers here will tell you, at least, for the time being, accept that he will be lying to you a lot, and that you will have to watch what he does and mostly ignore what he says.
There are stories here, often, over the years, of spouses finally realizing they married someone in active addiction, someone who had been abusing drugs for years and had become psychologically and/or physically dependent on them, and who needed drugs to be "normal", meaning not in withdrawal and insane with cravings and dopesick. Is it possible he had a problem before the disc, before the surgery?
His brother does drugs, sounds like the brother may be an addict, and it is possible they have been using together for years. It is amazing the secret lives addicts lead. Just incredible how they can be functional on massive quantities of drugs--especially the opiates--and do just fine on the job and no one knows. For a long time. It's when they run out of the drug that the problem becomes very apparent.
More will be revealed in this. But one thing I am pretty certain of....there is much more you do not know. That is the way it is in the marriage of addiction. Even when the addict swears he is coming clean about everything. There are a lot of secrets.
He has not actually "relapsed ten times" in the past few months. He has been in active addiction.
The reality is that he is a drug addict and he is going to want nothing to change at home or with the marriage because a separation or divorce process will be a huge distraction from drug-seeking and using. Not to mention the money he does not want to divert from the cash he needs for drugs in the form of alimony and child support. So much easier if you just stay put and put up with his habit.
He has set up his life in a certain way to accommodate the drug lifestyle. For anyone in active addiction, spouses and children are annoyances because they get in the way of the set-up. The lifestyle. The ritual.
You may not know what to do right now. But I think most of the longtimers here will tell you, at least, for the time being, accept that he will be lying to you a lot, and that you will have to watch what he does and mostly ignore what he says.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: warminster, pa
Posts: 10
Wow. Thank you English. This is the hard core reality I need! I really can't be completely sure. I knew when he started the percocets because it wasn't hidden. He did them like no big deal. It's when he started hiding it when I knew there was a little problem but wrote it off as him being in pain. You're so right too...I think I have to do actually do something as opposed to saying it. Yesterday he said he would do anything, didn't call rehab, and I found a message in his phone to his brother that he needs a couple. Swears I don't know what I'm talking about because he wants xanex to curb his cravings. But I'm sick of being that fool. I just keeping telling myself. It's him, not me. It's you, not me. You are pushing us away, I'm not taking us away. I didn't sign up for this.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: maryland
Posts: 86
I also had no idea there was a substance abuse issue when I got married... I find myself thinking...I didnt sign up to marry/baby/rescue an addict. Actually, had I known his problems, I wouldve never committed. Makes me mad all over again, like how dare he drag me & my girl through this. He was the only one who was aware of what a life wi th him would entail.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I guess you need to ask yourself. How much time does he have left to be that amazing man when he is letting addiction take over his life. It is a progressive disease. Relapsing 10 times is not relapsing...that is actively using 10 times that you know of. To relapse you have to have actually been working a program of sobriety to begin with.
You need to start working on you. Attend Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. Get therapy. Set up boundaries FOR YOU and decide what you have to do to achieve those goals. Set up small steps and before you know it you will get there.
Hugs.
You need to start working on you. Attend Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. Get therapy. Set up boundaries FOR YOU and decide what you have to do to achieve those goals. Set up small steps and before you know it you will get there.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
I just want to say that your story is like listening to my own. Just today I am dealing with the lies and chaos after a promise that he has quit. And yes it is sad but true that truth is not to be expected. Everything of value in my home is pawned, I owe everyone, and I barely have the gas to get to work...and what does he do but buy drugs with the $20 for the gas tank.
it's broken promises. But can we really be shocked. We think not ...addiction is awful and requires treatment. If they dont want help nothing will change.
hang in there....it will get better of that I am sure
it's broken promises. But can we really be shocked. We think not ...addiction is awful and requires treatment. If they dont want help nothing will change.
hang in there....it will get better of that I am sure
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: warminster, pa
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A friend told me in the beginning to prepare myself and don't be shocked. She wasn't kidding! I'm sorry you're going through this also...He said.he is moving out...so we shall see.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
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If you can afford some sessions for yourself with a family counselor to get advice on keeping your child's emotional health protected, it would be a very good thing to do. If you can't see a counselor, at the least pick up some books at the library on parenting of very young children which include information about families in crisis.
Please also keep in mind that your child is the child of an addict and that is for a lifetime. Being the child of someone with addiction has unique challenges, whether the addict is recovering or actively using. One of the very best things you can do for your child is to be in ongoing recovery yourself. You may think you can handle this, that you know what you're doing, but spouses of addicts make a lot of serious mistakes, including mistakes in parenting. The healthier you are, the better your child's chances of good mental health.
Children of addicts take on too much responsibility for their addict parent as well as for their codependent parent. They often live with a feeling of dread. Anxiety is very common. Don't assume, as the child grows and does well in school that the child is doing fine. Children in homes of addiction carry tremendous worry and often a lot of undeserved feelings of guilt. The most important focus in all that is happening now and to come is the child. The more educated you are, the better your own mental health, the more secure and well she will be.
Please also keep in mind that your child is the child of an addict and that is for a lifetime. Being the child of someone with addiction has unique challenges, whether the addict is recovering or actively using. One of the very best things you can do for your child is to be in ongoing recovery yourself. You may think you can handle this, that you know what you're doing, but spouses of addicts make a lot of serious mistakes, including mistakes in parenting. The healthier you are, the better your child's chances of good mental health.
Children of addicts take on too much responsibility for their addict parent as well as for their codependent parent. They often live with a feeling of dread. Anxiety is very common. Don't assume, as the child grows and does well in school that the child is doing fine. Children in homes of addiction carry tremendous worry and often a lot of undeserved feelings of guilt. The most important focus in all that is happening now and to come is the child. The more educated you are, the better your own mental health, the more secure and well she will be.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Greenville sc
Posts: 137
always..we have to remember to focus more on ourselves. I am 14 months sober (alcohol) was my drug so I have my own sobriety to protect. I am currently reading td jakes book and I feel like it was written to me. Reminding me that I can't always change my situation immediately but I can change my reactions. I can no longer be a victim because I know what's coming.......it's always the same.
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