BeautifulDisatr

It's been awhile since I last posted. Life to say the least has been exhausting. It feel like a lifetime ago when I joined SR and truth be told I am grateful that you are always here, even when I am not.

Anyways this is my situation and I am scared S&*(less in what to do - or maybe I should say how to handle. I have been with my addict boyfriend since Jan 2008 and truth be told life to say the least gets worse and worse each year.

I am a All-Pro at tricking myself to believe things will get better, or maybe I should be more understanding or my favorite thing I tell myself... I love him.

But here I am Jan 1 2014. Tried,frustrated, beaten down emotionally and mentally with all the crap, the one who is constantly responsible FOR EVERYTHING.

They say make a list of the Pro's and Con's of the relationship. The sad part is the PRO side I cannot genuinely think of anything. They sound pathetic... He does the dishes and cleans the bathroom. Seriously!!! I have taken care of him for the last three years ( since they day we met if I am truthful to myself, I have taken care of him) Financially, physically,mentally. I pay the rent, the bills, the phone, the cable, his gas, his clothes and yes even his DOC. I PAY FOR EVERYTHING!!!! I do everything clean, run errands. The man won the f-ing lotto when he met me. I am resentful, I am angry, I am stupid!!!

Anyways - I spent 2013 hating me and even though I know I am partially responsible for the BS - since I am QUEEN enabler. 2014 will NOT be like that.

OK let me get to the point. This is my dilemma and why I am scared, why I feel like the worst human being on the planet. I am done, I love my ABF and care for him. But I am not in love with him, I cant even say I like him. I worry about him ALL THE TIME, but I am worried about my 19 yr old son too ( who I am very blessed is a good kid) I am ready to leave him. I told my son and his girlfriend that they need to find there own place, I can no longer take care of the world. I am only going to take care of myself and my 8yr old daughter. My only agenda this year is that I need to financially get back on my feet, I need to emotionally and mentally take care of me. Here is my problem I feel bad because MR A has nothing, has no job, cant get a job because he screwed up his licence, isn't close with his family, has no friends, has no money. If and when I leave - I basically leave him homeless, living out of his car.

But I am sooo miserable with him. I keep telling myself. I should just help him get his license (amount owed is like $2000). I cant even afford rent, let alone that bill of his. I am also sacred to tell him I don't want to be with him and he will fight with me, cut me down (verbally), give me his sad story of having nothing and then twist it all on my that I am just upset because of the kids and all the other stress in my life and I shouldn't take it out on him.

He is not an EVIL man. He is just an a$$ and I am miserable. He is an addict and with that comes problems. WE have all been there or are still there - there are good moments (few and far between) and our love for them is genuine

But I am tried and I want to leave!! and I feel sad and guilty for wanting so badly to leave someone I have fought for, taken care of, stood by his side, put his needs before mine.....

Any advise - good, bad, harsh. I would appreciate. I am truly stuck

Raider

Run, run,run, run fast and don't look back. You have an 8 yo you are responsible for. Take care of her and take care of you. There is nothing to feel bad about except keeping that 8 yo in that situation Blessings.

TMZ

Follow your heart !

I think your gut instincts are just what he needs to hit his bottom and work on his problem.
JMO

Sara21

Ditto to what Raider said. Don't put his needs in front of your children's needs, they will notice it and could resent you for it later on. If he ends up homeless because you left him, that is HIS problem. They're called consequences. If your "help" hasn't made things better in the last 3 years, what makes you think that this time will be any different? Does he even want to stop using?

Focus on YOUR recovery and your kids. Whatever you decide to do, I hope things work out for you and that 2014 is a much happier year for your family.

Hugs

Ilovemysonjj

My recovering addict son made a comment to me which struck home. "Addicts are pricks" they only care about themselves. period.
If you finally let him go he may finally hit a bottom and THAT is when a miracle can happen.
Hugs and I hope you find your peace and your way. Addiction robs everyone in the family, not just the enabler.

needingabreak

He won't hit his bottom with you taking care of his every need. He needs help and your enabling keeps him from seeking it because as long as he has you at his beck and call why should he? Do him, your daughter and most of all yourself a favor-leave. Who cares what he says! He is an addict and will say whatever he has to to guilt you to stay. He won the lotto and is now broke? Whose fault is that? Not yours! You have gone above and beyond it sounds like. There are many here going through some of the same things and will be along to give you support. Wishing you the best in your gaining back your own life!

AnvilheadII

Here is my problem I feel bad because MR A has nothing, has no job, cant get a job because he screwed up his licence, isn't close with his family, has no friends, has no money. If and when I leave - I basically leave him homeless, living out of his car.

those aren't YOUR problems, they are HIS. that is how he has chosen to conduct his own life. never underestimate the resourcefulness of the addict. he's survived off of you for years, hasn't he? he COULD be a big boy and straighten his sh!t out, get a job, be self sufficient. it's done all the time!

send him on his way. put yourself FIRST. and your little girl. she needs and deserves a happy healthy mom and a happy healthy home.

Hawkeye13

Hi BD and Welcome to SR;

Here's my "straight up" take on what you've said:

Child should come first, and you also need to care for yourself here.

He's an adult and has made his choices.
Your little girl has no choice. She has the right to a happy and peaceful life,
which cannot really be possible with an active addict and an overworked stressed out mom.

I know you want to help him, but he needs to learn to help himself or not.
Taking care of him like he is a child is not respecting his freedom to choose his life, is it?
Don't give him any more money to pay his fines. You need that for your own daughter.

Peace to you. I know this must be very very difficult. Please keep posting.

Needingadvice1

Oh beautifuldisatr your post is me! I feel like I wrote your post. We both know wat we have to do. It's gonna be tough - very tough but, I'm hoping, only for a short while compared to a life with an addict who won't change. My situation is now getting dangerous. We only have one life & I want to start living again!! I have young children too. I wish you all the best. Stay strong & focused

Vale

Sounds like a fantastic arrangement....for HIM.

(What about you and your little one?)

KeepinItReal

He has nothing because he hasn't earned anything. It is not our job to save people. As much self worth (illusion) it gives us by helping another.... we will NEVER get that love and respect.
I find the less I do or give... the better. Its my money, my time, my sanity... and getting rid of the illusion helped me.
When we rescue or feel the need to rescue it fills a void in us to make us feel needed. The truth is... only our children need us. Addicts put us in mom roles and make us feel guilty when we want partnership.
That void is temporarily filled but then we feel used. Because we are... but we allowed it. Break the cycle. I did. Good luck. I'm still a work in progress but I'm getting somewhere this time!

BeautifulDisatr

Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement and wisdom. I told him/ fought with me yesterday that I am miserable and angry with him. That when we move the end of the month I am leaving just my daughter and I . He proceeded to twist the situation and tell me it not fair to yell at him if I am stressed. Basically he doesn't get it, he doesn't want to get it. I know I need to move on and I will. Wish me luck and Thank you again (((BIG HUGS)))) to all of you.

Hawkeye13

I'm really glad you are moving on.

Please take care of yourself and be aware that he may try to pressure you into staying
on "just a little while" even if you do get your own place.

The answer is NO NO NO. No matter what.

The break should be clean and complete.
Do not let him help you move, find out your new address, or have any access or welcome whatsoever or
he most likely will try to take advantage of the situation when he really gets that his gravy train is over and no more free food, shelter, and cleaning service.
They don't like that much. You may get anger, tears, poor me, the whole nine yards. Tell him to get to a sober house, shelter, or rehab. Not your problem. BE FIRM.


Lots of good luck!!!!
Peace to you and please let us know how things are going

atalose

Good for you for making a healthy decision for yourself.

When ever we are faced with having to chose GUILT-he doesn't have a job, he lost his license, how will he survive.....or RESENTMENT - he's an a@@ treats you mean........always chose the guilt because the resentment is soul suicide.

PuertoNuevo

If your goal is to stay clean and sober, I get the feeling you know its going to happen soon or later. The question is; how much longer are you going to torture yourself with the inevitable? To be a help to anybody, (especially your child) you have to take care of YOU first!

huntingtontx

I am glad you are moving on. It is time for you and your daughter to heal. Just spend time with her and let her know how important she is. Kids have a way of making everything there fault. Don't let her do this to herself. Enjoy your child and your freedom. Good luck and I will be praying for you and your kids.

BeautifulDisatr

PuertoNuevo I am not an addict; I am a sever co-dependent who has emotionally hit my rock bottom by taking care of my addict boyfriend. I am trying to stay strong through this process of leaving. I have begun packing. and am rarely home.

Thank you again everyone for your words of encouragements - it very hard not to give in, throw my hands in the air and just settle for his crap...

(((BIG HUGS))) to all of you

blueeyedlady

20 years ago I left my alcoholic mate, the father of my two children and step father to one. I left and did not look back. He broke all of the dishes prior to me leaving. I took only the children's beds, toys and clothes. My children were barely 1, 2 and 5 years old. I felt scared just like you. It was finally going to end. This whole life that was if nothing else, my comfort zone. Please leave and don't look back. I remember the first year I left I did not have as many material things, but I met friends at the new grocery store my first time out. I met neighbors who are as dear friends to me now as they were then. I went to school, got my Nursing degree. I bought a house, a car, a dog. I could never have done that in my past situation. My children grew up respecting me (now, at least that they are older). My children have good solid childhood memories. Take your 8 year old and go on your new adventure and find out how smart, funny and resourceful you are. You will look in the mirror next year and not even recognize the person you are now. You'll develop laugh lines. You'll find talents you never knew you had. You will be able to sleep peacefully and be aware that the sun is shining in the morning when you wake up. Trust me. It will all be worth it. Good luck to you and your kids. I wish you all the best. Be proud of yourself!

Hoopgirl13

Leave and look straight ahead, not back like everyone here has said. I was in doubt about my AH being an active user again because he denied, shifted blame, called me names, and humiliated me in front of my son. I thought it was me. I was conflicted, but someone on this board said to follow my gut. I followed my gut straight out the door. My gut was right, and when I left with my 4 year-old son, my AH spiraled out of control. I would not budge on custody until he received a drug evaluation. I refused to talk to him, just text. It was not easy. I felt for him because I was dismantling the family and leaving him with nothing. I was scared for him, But I was more scared for my son and the situation that he was in. My AH finally ended up in rehab. He finally admitted to his family who believed his gas lighting that he needed help. If you want to help the situation, you need to leave. I know situations may be different, but all addicts are the same. They can spot enablers and suck the life out of them. They pray on the people who are there for them the most because they know what buttons to push. Break the cycle. He may change; he may not. He can only help himself. Again, take that little girl and begin a new life with new memories. She deserves it.