giliji

I have known this man for 30 years. We have always been able to talk about anything. Even the tough stuff. Not anymore. I wanted to talk to him about his drinking. He's a closet drinker. I didn't attack or threaten or anything like that. He said that "everyone" has made up their mind about him and he can't change that. (he had one time, a few weeks ago, that he was blackout drunk)

I told him I knew about the bottles, that I knew he went from the pints to the liters. I asked him to please talk to me, that I wouldn't judge him. That I was worried for his health, and I am. He wouldn't talk....

I know others have a lot worse. He is good to me and our kids. We don't see him drunk. His tolerance must be very high. My therapist told me that alcohol is the other woman and until he gets help, he will pick that over me. I didn't think it was possible. Not us.... Not him....

I'm going to al-anon tomorrow

Katchie

gil, in many ways your husband sounds like mine w/the exception that we do see him drunk. Other than that he is tender hearted & loves his family.
I remember when I first pulled out all the empty bottles and put them on the coffee table and made him sit down with me to talk about it. That was over 10 years ago. I've known my H for almost 25 years, married for 22. It is a heavy blow to see our men change into this version of themselves, its down right painful. You cant force him to acknowledge any of it. You are wise to work on yourself and he will notice it as mine has and hopefully it will make him as uncomfortable as my changing has made my H. Really try to make that your focus, you and your kids. It has helped me greatly.
hugs to you

Raider

Your therapist said alcohol is the other woman? They don't know much about addiction. I'm sorry but your husband may be sick, very sick. He may have disease called alcoholism. He isn't choosing alcohol over you, it is a disease. I agree with Katchie, take care of YOU and your kids. He will have to deal with his disease on his own. Blessings.

giliji

I'm definitely going to take care of me and the kids.

My therapist also said it's a disease and to read all the stuff I can and it will prove it's a disease. Sounds like she's confuse now that I think about it. I'm not depending on her to get me through this. She will be a part, but not the biggest part. I'm hoping Al-Anon will help. I've lost my faith several years ago, so I'm interested to see what form, if any, my higher power, will take.

I finally stopped crying. I'm upstairs and he's working downstairs in the garage. He's come up a couple times and even though it's obvious I've been crying, he's acting like nothing is wrong. I don't know how I am supposed to be with him now. How am I supposed to act.

Katchie

Hugs to you.. You WILL be ok. Cry all you need to as often as you need. Doesn't matter right now what he says or doesn't say, maybe he just doesn't know how, but again, it doesn't matter. Do what you need for you. I keep reading its important to feel your feelings and that it's ok to do so & goes a long way toward your healing..we all have a lot of healing that needs to happen.
Hugs, hugs, hugs to you!

Raider

Gil, act however you want to act sweetie. I'm so sorry. Ouch You are hurting and that hurts me. Oh how I wish you did not lose your faith! If it's ok, I'll pray for you and your kids? Much love your way������

Hammer

A+

yeah. Good Attitude and Gracious.

So, no doubt it will fit and suit you.

Mine fits me. Sort of a Laughing Jackass.

If it makes any sense, probably neither does he.

Do Alanon, invite him to some open AA.

Things will be what and where they should.

You are on the path. Just keep going forward.

DMC

The other woman analogy was a perfect description of my XAH's alcoholism... and yes, he did choose alcohol. While it may be a disease (and I completely agree that it is), he could also choose, one day at a time, one minute at a time, not to drink.

AlAnon was my saving grace, good luck.

Recovering2

It doesn't matter what you say to him, or how you say it. The A will do whatever it takes to protect their drinking. They will remain in denial, even when confronted with the "facts". You didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, and can't Control it.

Doesn't matter whether he acknowledges it or not, you know the truth. It's not your job to prove it to him, trust me, he already knows. The only thing you can do is take care of your side of the street. Going to AlAnon is a GREAT idea. You will gain wisdom and support from the experience, strength, and hope in those meetings. Learn all you can about this disease. Read the sticky's at the top of this page. Keep posting.....

Quish16

I can relate to your post and Katchie's - I too am in a very long marriage with an alcoholic. Sadly it is a PROGRESSIVE disease and it does get worse. I do agree that you are doing the right thing seeing a therapist and trying to get help for you. Yes, I do believe it turns from a lifestyle choice to a disease but there is still some element of choice.
Very best of luck

Hopeworks

I used to tell my XA that alcohol was like a seductive woman to him and when he would try to slow down or stop drinking she was like the siren calling from the sea enticing him back into her arms.

My XA described stopping drinking like it was stopping breathing and he simply could not begin to deal with the idea of NEVER taking another drink...it was just like dying to him to even try to wrap him mind around it. It is a powerful drug that makes someone think they will die if they try to stop....

He used to do everything within his power to protect his need for alcohol and after four long years I made him leave as I simply was destroying myself and my own life trying to fight a battle only he could win... he wasn't even on the battlefield.

Fast forward to today... he spent two years drinking himself to oblivion and beyond. Homeless, jails, stealing alcohol from stores... whatever it took he stayed drunk for two long years in the streets.

Today he is sober. Working, In recovery. He decided to break up with his siren, his mistress... alcohol.

Until they decide to do whatever it takes our crying, handwringing, begging, hyper anxiety, fearing overwhelmed lives do not mean a thing to them. The disease is just that powerful if they let it continue to control them.

They have to want to be free... more than their next breath.

That is what I learned... that is my E,S and H.

Take care of you... alanon, counseling, do the steps (HUGE HELP FOR ME), detach and trust your HP... all the worry in the world will not change the future but you can change YOUR FUTURE....

Carpe Diem. Seize the Day my dear. Welcome to SR... there is hope but please...take care of you and take charge of your life.

giliji

Thank you all for your replies. They help temendously! I usually read on my phone, but for some reason I cannot log into the site from it. Otherwise I would have answered earlier. I have a different al-anon meeting this morning. I hope it works out best because this is the best time for me.

I could hardly look at him at all yesterday. Usually when I read a book (kindle) he doesn't ask about it. He did last night which surprised me. I just told him a book. I am reading Under The Influence. I'm only a few chapters in and I've already learned so much. The thought of him never admitting it, never changing back, getting worse, is too much for me to think about. He's my white knight in shining armor, my rock, the other half of me that completes me, the best father my children could have... We have been together my whole adult life.

Raider

Under The Influence is an excellent book. God bless you and your family.

Booo

Gilija (sorry autocorrect is in charge sometimes) just know I understand where you are. After 13 years long long years it seems my AH has finally hit bottom. Here is all I know. They won't stop until they want to stop. My AH only admitted to his problem in October, but even then he did not stop. I have been praying for him to hit rock bottom. Sadly he did and I hit mine that day too.
Please keep reading and keep the focus on you.
I thank God every day (I sometimes don't know how I possibly still have faith, but I do) that I was here at SR 6 weeks before he hit bottom hard.
I don't know where I would be without these boards. I really do not.
Stay here, talk here, take care of you.
This disease and it's consequences hurt not only the A, but the people closest to them.
You are crying because you are hurt, you see the damage, he cannot.
Be glad you are here. I am
Hugs.